After Dinner Delights

[greygotskills]

Hello everyone my Literotica member name is greygotskills and my story is entitled "After Dinner Delights" in the group sex category. Included in this post is the link and please feel free to comment and critique my very first published Literotica story. A sequel is forthcoming and pending approval. Here is the link to my story: http://www.literotica.com/s/after-dinner-delights Enjoy and Happy Holidays!!!

 

[Bramblethorn]

edit: mis-formatted some of that, the "s"/"/s" bits should be strikeout.

Hello everyone my Literotica member name is greygotskills and my story is entitled "After Dinner Delights" in the group sex category. Included in this post is the link and please feel free to comment and critique my very first published Literotica story. A sequel is forthcoming and pending approval. Here is the link to my story: http://www.literotica.com/s/after-dinner-delights Enjoy and Happy Holidays!!!

Congrats and welcome! Now the nitpicking:

Title should probably be punctuated as "After-Dinner Delights" since otherwise the grammar is ambiguous. Similarly "half naked boyfriend" later on should be "half-naked", and "stretched-to-the-limit".

Names: three out of four characters mentioned in this story begin with "J". This can make it harder for readers to keep track; it's not so bad since Jim doesn't show up and the story makes it easy enough to tell Jen and Julian apart, but try to mix it up a bit.

Story has a lot of trouble with shifts between past and present tense. For example, some edits on the first paragraph:

Jen arrived at her friend Dawn's apartment for dinner with a bottle of red wine. Dawn's lover Julian would be joining them as well. The original plan washad been for Jen's boyfriend Jim to join them but he had backed out at the last minute because a friend of his had tickets to the game. Jen was so disappointed but she'd decided to go on her own and have a good time without him. Jen iswas a petite and pretty Latina about 5'4' thin as a waif with small but cute A-cup titties with short black hair and pretty brown eyes. Her friend Dawn was roughly the same height but much thicker with delicious double D's and dirty blonde hair with hazel eyes. Jen hashad been dating Jim for close to a year now. As with most relationships things started out quite hot and heavy but things had begun to cool down as of late.

Also: "Jen is/was a petite and pretty Latina about 5'4' thin as a waif with small but cute A-cup titties with short black hair and pretty brown eyes" - unless you really mean to say her breasts had short black hair and pretty brown eyes, replace that second "with" with a comma. And watch out for repetition of "pretty".

(Some readers aren't fond of stories that begin with an identikit description and cup size, me included, but others like it; can't please everybody.)

As if on cue Julian entered the living room wearing only a bath towel around his waist. He clearly was not aware that Jen had already arrived.

"Oh, excuse me. I didn't know you were here. You'll have to excuse my appearance.

You don't need to tell the reader "he clearly was not aware" when he says it himself in the next line.

He pushed down on the back of her head and shoved as much of his cock down her throat before she began gagging on his girth.

"Hey! Take it easy asshole! She is not use to your size like I am."

"It's okay. I'm alright."

How's she talking while gagging on him?

"What the hell guys! Can you get me a towel or something so I can wipe this shit off of my face? I can't fucking see." Dawn could not stop laughing.

When the only named character adjacent to this quote is Dawn, it makes it sound as if she's the one speaking. Either include some sort of "Jen said" or put a break between the speech and Dawn's reaction.

"The two bodies were literally bouncing off the bed at this point." - literally? Not unless it's a trampoline.

One last thing, which is a peeve about the site's story classifications rather than what you wrote: to me this ought to be in Nonconsent.

OK, that's all I've got!

 

[greygotskills]

Thank you so much for the feed back. It is really much appreciated and you made some very excellent suggestions. As I was reading the story again after it was published I did regret including so many "J" names into the story. As for the rest of it I think you were pretty spot on. I've gone back and tweaked a few things in my story post publication and may submit that at some point. I also admit that I was somewhat unsure as to which category to submit this story. Thanks again so much for the critiques of my story.

 

[robertreams]

They had sex a few times a week but Jen had found their love life to be less than satisfying. He always got off and seemed to enjoy himself but Jen has never come once with him and she found it frustrating. She tried to talk to him about in the hopes that he would make more of an effort at fulfilling her needs but he didn't quite seem to get it. Dawn on the other hand had a thrilling sex life with Julian. He was black, about 6 feet, toned and in shape. Dawn would regale Jen with stories of their most intimate encounters. Jen was envious of her friend's sex life. Dawn and Julian have only been dating for a few weeks. Jen had met Julian once before and she thought he was cute.

They had sex several times a week, but Jen, having never had an orgasm, was frustrated and dissatisfied with ____who always seemed to gratify himself, but never did a thing to thrill her. She had tried repeatedly to discuss his lack with him, but to no avail.

Dawn, however, . . . (be more concise.) in addition, you need a real zinger to start this story, grab attention before your reader slips away to more exciting pastures. I also agree with the other comments.

 

[greygotskills]

Really good suggestions I see what you mean. I will in future writings take your advice to heart.