Edwardian

[Fluggs]

An Edwardian tale. http://www.literotica.com/s/cross-patch

 

[robertreams]

I decline to comment rurther. Nice touch if it really sounds Edwardian, I wouldn't know. All the continuous flow of one sentence dialog is boring. And it is Dom Perignon.

 

[J_Bonham]

Looks like you have a keen sense of the characters' voices (demeanor, accents, etc etc) - what could use some more work is sentence structure and composition. We're thrown into a long back and forth with the two characters with barely any introduction.

Great concept, a lot of potential - maybe try to move away from barrages of one liners between characters, and try more description of the scene, and the characters themselves.

The big thing is to avoid blow-by-blow accounts of every little detail, action, and line spoken. If a conversation is really long, it can be condensed, or just paraphrased as a DESCRIPTION of the conversation, instead of simply a transcript.

I hope that helps, and best of luck!

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Grating

A good try, but the dialogue sounds forced and contrived, with accents and word-use that immediately bring to mind post-war "Thesps" sounding micturated and strained as they try desperately to sound 'Cockney' in 1950's Ealing comedies like "Passport To Pimlico" or "The Ladykillers"; all that's missing is the occasional "Lor' luv a duck" or "Not Ruddy Likely, Guv'nor!" and other stock cinematic expressions that Oxbridge-educated film-makers were convinced was how working-class Londoners spoke.

There's no real 'fin de siecle' or 'Belle Epoque' feel about the story; swap out the over-egged dialogue, and it could be taking place yesterday. Sorry, but I can't get past that. The idiom hasn't changed that much in 2 generations, but what has isn't really reflected here at all.

If you want a more realistic view of the dialogue, slang, and speech patterns of the times, watch a couple of episodes of 'Peaky Blinders', or Downton Abbey, to pick out the differences between how the 'quality' and the 'trades' people (shameful, I know, but that's how people thought in those days) actually spoke and thought.

 

[Fluggs]

I decline to comment rurther. Nice touch if it really sounds Edwardian, I wouldn't know. All the continuous flow of one sentence dialog is boring. And it is Dom Perignon.

Not when you're a Don

 

[Fluggs]

A good try, but the dialogue sounds forced and contrived, with accents and word-use that immediately bring to mind post-war "Thesps" sounding micturated and strained as they try desperately to sound 'Cockney' in 1950's Ealing comedies like "Passport To Pimlico" or "The Ladykillers"; all that's missing is the occasional "Lor' luv a duck" or "Not Ruddy Likely, Guv'nor!" and other stock cinematic expressions that Oxbridge-educated film-makers were convinced was how working-class Londoners spoke.

There's no real 'fin de siecle' or 'Belle Epoque' feel about the story; swap out the over-egged dialogue, and it could be taking place yesterday. Sorry, but I can't get past that. The idiom hasn't changed that much in 2 generations, but what has isn't really reflected here at all.

If you want a more realistic view of the dialogue, slang, and speech patterns of the times, watch a couple of episodes of 'Peaky Blinders', or Downton Abbey, to pick out the differences between how the 'quality' and the 'trades' people (shameful, I know, but that's how people thought in those days) actually spoke and thought.

The past is now; not some strange place.

 

[Fluggs]

Ooh, don't want to mix me Brummie father, with my Pomponian mother. Don't worry about not getting past that ...
PEAKY BLINDERS. Just go down the local. Listen to the 'alpha' male, wrap it in Pomponian.

 

[Lord_Rhoop]

Ooh, don't want to mix me Brummie father, with my Pomponian mother. Don't worry about not getting past that ...
PEAKY BLINDERS. Just go down the local. Listen to the 'alpha' male, wrap it in Pomponian.

I don't understand why you came here; you claim you're writing a 'period piece' and ask for comment, then when people point out there's nothing actually 'period about it at all, you snark-off like a 12 year-old spoiled brat.

If you only want to hear good things about your work, maybe you should just have your mummy review your stories in private; at least then there's a reasonable chance mummy will praise her little soldier to the heavens; of course, you won't learn shit, but then you didn't come here for that, you came here fully expecting people to fall over at the sheer brilliance of your prose.

This is a writers's forum, and other writers are going to review your work, and if you don't develop a thick skin and protective rough surfaces then you're going to spend a lot of time being butt-hurt; remember, if you dangle your dick in the shark tank, don't act surprised when it gets bitten off.

Still, maybe the water will make it look bigger than it actually is.......

 

[PennLady]

To be honest, I could barely follow this story. It was just chunks of dialogue, apparently occurring in slightly different places. I'm all for less is more, but sometimes you do need a little more.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Its easy to follow and I like your style.