How to not be shy/know if a girl is in to you?

[ethana59]

So... this already seems awfully lame compared to some of the other posts on here, and I'm super embarrassed, but from what I've seen, this seems to be like a pretty nice place. I'm new to Lit, though I've been reading it for years, I just discovered the forums. I guess you could say I've been creeping around on here, haha, you guys all seem wonderful.

Background about me, and why I ask... So, I was really abused as a kid, social services were involved, long story there, but basically I was isolated from the world. I wasn't allowed to have friends, couldn't interact with others... When I finally got out of there, I was a sophmore in high school. I was 4' 7". Needless to say I didn't have a lot of girls looking at me wanting to date. I graduated, joined the Army, grew, gained some mass, which is awesome. I married the one of the first girls to really show any interest in me. It was pretty obvious then... Now I'm divorced, in college, and feel so lost in the dating world. I never experienced it, I have no clue what to do... I'm a gentleman, believe in holding doors, pulling out chairs, etc. Hopeless romantic who loves the cuddling side as much as the sex side, if not more... I seem out of place in today's dating world... Doesn't help that I'm older than my fellow students.

So yeah, I don't know how to date, or approach a woman at a bar, I'm way too shy, and its just a mess... Ugh, embarrassing I know. Who is this guy?? But yeah... so I'm basically looking for help on that whole scene... I don't want to become a douche or an asshole, but it seems like that is all that works today... Any advice, ladies, men, very welcome... Thanks...

 

[Setanta84]

I came from a similar situation when I went to college.

My advice is to focus on getting a solid circle of friends first, which will help you hone your socializing skills, gather wingmen/women, and network.

Once you have good friends and are introduced to friendly women, I'd advise embracing the effects alcohol have on lowering your inhibitions and also taking things slow.

 

[silverwhisper]

welcome to the visible side of the forum, ethan!

i like setanta's advice, esp the idea of a wingwoman specifically because i think that what you really need here is a female friend who remains just a friend, someone who can help you understand the nonverbal communication of the dating scene.

if you're a student, you may be able to get that going with one of your classmates but it's gonna take a fair bit of trust. i mention this because it isn't clear to me if the ability to trust was one of the casualties of your early life.

because the truth is that ultimately, no matter how well-intentioned a stranger on the internet is, or no matter how insightful, you strike me as the kind of guy who would prefer a more hands-on kind of guidance. a female coach is gonna be invaluable in that respect. come to think of it, a gay male coach is probably also gonna be really good at that, although i don't know how comfortable you are with that.

and ethan, thank you for your service.

ed

 

[stickygirl]

"I don't want to become a douche or an asshole, but it seems like that is all that works today."

This is a myth! Sure, some women are attracted by assholes but only if they have some issues regarding they're own worth.

Top tip always has to be to get involved with something you're passionate about, whether that is fitness, pre-Raphaelite painting, ornithology. Your enthusiasm is what we find attractive because it makes you shine. Try not to include exclusively male activities like train-spotting or stamp collecting. If it's something you really enjoy then A. you'll enjoy it ( even if it seems like no women are going to come your way ) B. you'll have that happy-glowey look about you and that's irresistible.

Good luck

 

[Felix_Jones]

So... this already seems awfully lame compared to some of the other posts on here, and I'm super embarrassed, but from what I've seen, this seems to be like a pretty nice place. I'm new to Lit, though I've been reading it for years, I just discovered the forums. I guess you could say I've been creeping around on here, haha, you guys all seem wonderful.

Background about me, and why I ask... So, I was really abused as a kid, social services were involved, long story there, but basically I was isolated from the world. I wasn't allowed to have friends, couldn't interact with others... When I finally got out of there, I was a sophmore in high school. I was 4' 7". Needless to say I didn't have a lot of girls looking at me wanting to date. I graduated, joined the Army, grew, gained some mass, which is awesome. I married the one of the first girls to really show any interest in me. It was pretty obvious then... Now I'm divorced, in college, and feel so lost in the dating world. I never experienced it, I have no clue what to do... I'm a gentleman, believe in holding doors, pulling out chairs, etc. Hopeless romantic who loves the cuddling side as much as the sex side, if not more... I seem out of place in today's dating world... Doesn't help that I'm older than my fellow students.

So yeah, I don't know how to date, or approach a woman at a bar, I'm way too shy, and its just a mess... Ugh, embarrassing I know. Who is this guy?? But yeah... so I'm basically looking for help on that whole scene... I don't want to become a douche or an asshole, but it seems like that is all that works today... Any advice, ladies, men, very welcome... Thanks...

Don't bother. People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.

 

[fire_breeze]

So... this already seems awfully lame compared to some of the other posts on here, and I'm super embarrassed, but from what I've seen, this seems to be like a pretty nice place. I'm new to Lit, though I've been reading it for years, I just discovered the forums. I guess you could say I've been creeping around on here, haha, you guys all seem wonderful.

Background about me, and why I ask... So, I was really abused as a kid, social services were involved, long story there, but basically I was isolated from the world. I wasn't allowed to have friends, couldn't interact with others... When I finally got out of there, I was a sophmore in high school. I was 4' 7". Needless to say I didn't have a lot of girls looking at me wanting to date. I graduated, joined the Army, grew, gained some mass, which is awesome. I married the one of the first girls to really show any interest in me. It was pretty obvious then... Now I'm divorced, in college, and feel so lost in the dating world. I never experienced it, I have no clue what to do... I'm a gentleman, believe in holding doors, pulling out chairs, etc. Hopeless romantic who loves the cuddling side as much as the sex side, if not more... I seem out of place in today's dating world... Doesn't help that I'm older than my fellow students.

So yeah, I don't know how to date, or approach a woman at a bar, I'm way too shy, and its just a mess... Ugh, embarrassing I know. Who is this guy?? But yeah... so I'm basically looking for help on that whole scene... I don't want to become a douche or an asshole, but it seems like that is all that works today... Any advice, ladies, men, very welcome... Thanks...

Welcome to Lit.

To echo Stickygirl, being a douche or an arse is not what will get you the girl. Most of them will get the initial round, but none of them will have lasting relationships because they're, well, douches and arses. Unless you want one-night stands, or a week-long casual relationship, I wouldn't go for the act. In addition, you could miss out on a lot of genuine, intelligent, confident, caring women who wouldn't give the time of day to asses (me, for example. They just turn me off, and I unfortunately enjoy making them crumple )

What douches and arses may initially project is confidence. However, the two concepts are not synonymous. You can be confident and still be a gentleman.

I am curious though - did you go through therapy to help you cope with your traumatic past? It may be worth looking into, and help you gain some more confidence. Not all therapy is lie-on-the-couch-talk-about-your-feelings; you can definitely find something suited to your personality and disposition. And yes I know, if my brother is any indication (he's in the armed forces as well), most military see therapy as a weakness, but it's not. It's training just like a trainer at the gym.

That said, I completely agree with the various posters who said get one or two friends who happen to be women who would be able to guide you and help you. While silverwhisper is spot on in getting out there in the offline world, I found that this site has helped me to realise and translate my confidence, so it can be a tool, if used wisely.
One tip, though: don't go about shooting everything they say down, and please no martyring how you will not find anyone and you're destined to be alone. Just... no.

If possible, try to be involved in other things that forces you be in contact with people. Volunteer. Join a hobby club. Develop your interest. You will meet like-minded people, and gain valuable self confidence. Plus, there is nothing as attractive as a person who is passionate about something.

And also, many people - both women and men - like non-sexual intimacy. Just because they do not seem to advertise it doesn't mean that they don't like it. In fact, I wager that being slightly old-fashioned will work in your favour: it shows politeness and you'll stand out.

And remember, women are people too. Show an interest in who they are and not whether or not they are potential sexual partners. Things tend to develop organically that way anyway.

Good luck

PS. Ignore the trolls .

 

[sirachacha]

Quick tip: if all the women you are interested in are into douches and assholes, you're interested in the wrong women.

 

[ethana59]

Thanks everyone!

Good advice for sure! I don't know how to do the whole quote thing, so forgive me for not replying like that, it does seem to be the normal way of doing things on here. Still learning!

Great advice Setanta! problem is I'm really shy in approaching. Circle of friends seems like the best route though, I just don't think I could do the whole, pick a girl up at the bar thing. Not my kind of scene, or idea of fun. one-night things don't do it for me.

Silverwhisper, thanks! Trust is hard, been through a lot, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt first. No need to judge people based off my past, that never works out! And I'm comfortable with all people, orientation does not affect me, why should it? You're a human being, that's what matters! And I appreciate the support, but really no need to thank me, I was just doing my job!

Stickygirl, I really like your advice! I'm actually taking it as well. On Monday, I'm going to take my first Swing Dance lessons! I love to dance, though I have how shall you say, no skill, haha! That will change though! Moves can be taught, passion can't. I have that part at least!

Fire_breeze, you make some good points. It certainly does seem that way, but perception isn't always reality, I have to keep that in mind! Martyrdom is no good, I agree! I always try and keep and exude a positive attitude towards life, this is no exception! I did, and continue to go. Took awhile to do it, going itno the army and getting that soldiers mentality didn't help at all. I guess I had to hit the very bottom first, and hit it I did. But its been a wonderful climb back up, and life looks great now. i won't be going back to that place again. Nothing is worth that action! I also agree, women are more than just something to have sex with. I've always felt that way, always tried to show it. Thanks! (And aren't trolls cute? )

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

H.L.Mencken gave the best advice about bachelors. He observed that the only bachelors are men no woman wants. If a woman wants you she'll come get you. It's true. You can destroy a boxcar fulla daisies, consult every star in the sky, and talk to every halfwit on this board (and there are plenty) and remain dateless. You must appeal to females.

I suggest you enlist in the Marines and get the hell away from college sissies with loose sphincters. The Marines will do things for you: Add self confidence to your character, and teach you how to take a licking and keep on ticking. Plus laugh in the faces of HT dweebs.

 

[midwestyankee]

The easiest way to get a circle of friends is to borrow one that already exists. Every college campus (even the commuter colleges) have a long list of student activities and clubs of every imaginable sort. Surely you're interested in something besides eating, breathing, and sleep. Find a club or group that does things that you think you'd enjoy. Drop by their next meeting and see if it feels like a good fit. If it is, over time you'll make friends within the club. This will do two things: it will give you a small circle of friends and it will give you better skills in making friends through other means.

 

[Kitty]

Good advice for sure! I don't know how to do the whole quote thing, so forgive me for not replying like that, it does seem to be the normal way of doing things on here. Still learning!

Great advice Setanta! problem is I'm really shy in approaching. Circle of friends seems like the best route though, I just don't think I could do the whole, pick a girl up at the bar thing. Not my kind of scene, or idea of fun. one-night things don't do it for me.

Silverwhisper, thanks! Trust is hard, been through a lot, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt first. No need to judge people based off my past, that never works out! And I'm comfortable with all people, orientation does not affect me, why should it? You're a human being, that's what matters! And I appreciate the support, but really no need to thank me, I was just doing my job!

Stickygirl, I really like your advice! I'm actually taking it as well. On Monday, I'm going to take my first Swing Dance lessons! I love to dance, though I have how shall you say, no skill, haha! That will change though! Moves can be taught, passion can't. I have that part at least!

Fire_breeze, you make some good points. It certainly does seem that way, but perception isn't always reality, I have to keep that in mind! Martyrdom is no good, I agree! I always try and keep and exude a positive attitude towards life, this is no exception! I did, and continue to go. Took awhile to do it, going itno the army and getting that soldiers mentality didn't help at all. I guess I had to hit the very bottom first, and hit it I did. But its been a wonderful climb back up, and life looks great now. i won't be going back to that place again. Nothing is worth that action! I also agree, women are more than just something to have sex with. I've always felt that way, always tried to show it. Thanks! (And aren't trolls cute? )

You were in the army? You survived the scariest thing ever. Women really aren't these cruel venomous creatures. I think the best thing to do is to leave everything at the table--all those thoughts about what to say and do-- and just act natural. Sure popping up trying to spark a random conversation with a random girl might just incense a woman to be snooty. But understand that you approaching her gives her the right to feel she can turn you down. Some of us are just mean, I'm sorry. Others do like the douchy lads. Sorry about that as well. But sometimes the approach is off Don't be too pushy, but don't show you're nervous. I know it's easier said than done but go for it.

I think the first step is to meet a woman organically, if you have the chance like through working with them or going to classes and having built some familiarity. If that's not the case and it seems all you have is the club or bar or a party or something (don't worry, that's kinda normal), then as long as you make sure you're physically up to snuff--like hygiene, physique and confidence (just pretend, wear a smile, throw a nice fragrance on) and are polite--you'll be fine.

 

[ToysAreUs]

The easiest way to get a circle of friends is to borrow one that already exists. Every college campus (even the commuter colleges) have a long list of student activities and clubs of every imaginable sort. Surely you're interested in something besides eating, breathing, and sleep. Find a club or group that does things that you think you'd enjoy. Drop by their next meeting and see if it feels like a good fit. If it is, over time you'll make friends within the club. This will do two things: it will give you a small circle of friends and it will give you better skills in making friends through other means.

Excellent advice, Yankee.

If you like cars or boats or playing ping-pong, join an appropriate Club. Although Mega-Churches are not my style, years ago I attended one local service and it was really a Social Club that had "extra-curricural events" if you get my drift.

There may be a local Pub that has Pool (Billiards) or Dart Teams: you can develop great camaraderie with your Team members and meet people from all over your area.

Volunteer work is another great way to develop networking and it doesn't have to be at your local Nursing Home. As an example, I used to volunteer for NASCAR and I received free admission to sit in the stands with dozens of other volunteers scoring many races.

Odds are, you will meet someone you like who likes you OR someone will introduce you to potential special friends.

 

[ethana59]

Excellent advice, Yankee.

If you like cars or boats or playing ping-pong, join an appropriate Club. Although Mega-Churches are not my style, years ago I attended one local service and it was really a Social Club that had "extra-curricural events" if you get my drift.

How do you find one of those churches? Haha! All great ideas, definitely looking into what is available around here. Being new to the area and not really having someone to show me hurts, but it means more exploring too, and thats always fun!