Request for feedback

[KarlFive]

I posted a story a month or so ago, but didn't know about this Forum, so I'm (belatedly) asking for feedback. The story is titled "The Luckiest Girl in the World" and may be found at: http://www.literotica.com/s/the-luckiest-girl-in-the-world
This story is designed to be an introduction to the world of Orgasm Incorporated.
It doesn't fit too well into most of the categories available. I put it under Toys and Masturbation, for lack of anything better. The opening paragraph gives a rough idea of what Org Inc is, so I included it at the bottom of this post. I know it's rather long, so I apologize in advance.
I’m considering writing a series of ebooks based on this concept, so I’ve posted the first story here in the hopes of getting feedback from as many readers as possible, whether good, bad, or indifferent.
Many thanks to anyone who responds to this request!
Karl Five


WELCOME TO ORGASM INCORPORATED!
The place where you’ll find satisfaction for all of your sexual needs and desires.

Our standards for hiring staff are the highest in the world.
All of our employees are of legal age and have been given contraceptives and the PanSTD vaccine, so there’s no chance of infection or other complications.
Our Clients include many of the wealthiest Rich families.
Single, family, and group arrangements are available.
Specialties and Services include, but are not limited to:
Erotic Display, Sleeping Beauty, Exotics, Electrical Play, Pain, Water Sports, Lactation, most other fetishes, Genital service, Oral Service, Anal Service, Manual Service, and Reproductive Service.

[spam/advertising prohibited per our forum guidelines]
[/url]

 

[PennLady]

I think you could have put this under SciFi, but it seems okay under Toys.

It was well-written and paced, I thought. I had some kind of minor questions, like why couldn't they just put blindfolds on the Displays? If it's that important for them not to open their eyes, it seems some kind of blindfold or even adhesive could be used to keep the eyes closed.

I also didn't get why she couldn't ever talk to her family again, but perhaps you'll address that in future chapters.

Overall, I thought it was a pretty well done erotic piece, which I guess is what you were going for. I don't feel too compelled to find out what happens next to this character, because I don't know anything about her. That's not a bad thing, just an observation.

 

[DarkPleasures]

Kael, why are you spamming Lit?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

SciFi or BDSM seems more appropriate than Toys.

I found it well written, imaginative but a long way from erotic. There was no inter-reaction, more a medical list of sexual reactions. I think you need more 'customer' interplay and emotion. Not sure you have an e-book here.

 

[KarlFive]

That wasn't spam

Kael, why are you spamming Lit?

It's the opening passage for my universe, which appears at the beginning of each story/ebook in order to show the readers quickly and briefly what Orgasm Incorporated is: a business that deals in sex of all kinds for its own profit, just as the corporations of today might advertise their products. It's an "advertisement" that the company puts out, including their website's URL. It's meant as a sort of parody, but also includes the hint that there will be all kinds of kinky things happening beyond ordinary sex in future stories.

 

[KarlFive]

@ PennLady

Thanks much for the feedback!

I agree it could be SF also, since it's set in an indefinite future. I find that it doesn't fit neatly into most categories that are allowed. If there was a choice of SF Erotica, I would probably have put it there.


The reason why a Girl/Boy isn't blindfolded is basically because Org Inc prefers to instill obedience in its personnel, rather than using physical means to enforce their rules. If you can't learn to obey, you will eventually be re-assigned to another "job position", probably much lower in status and privilege than Erotic Display.

As for cutting contact with your family, Org Inc wants their people to be entirely cut off from their pasts, so they can concentrate exclusively on their current lives without any outside distractions.

 

[KarlFive]

@ elfin_odalisque

Many thanks for the feedback!

You're right about there not being much intereaction, especially in this particular story. Good point.
There may be more once I can introduce other characters, but it's not exactly going to focus on love and relationships.

 

[PennLady]

Thanks much for the feedback!

I agree it could be SF also, since it's set in an indefinite future. I find that it doesn't fit neatly into most categories that are allowed. If there was a choice of SF Erotica, I would probably have put it there.

Every category here is "erotica," except for the Non-erotic category. So yes, you could have put it in SF. You can also add tags when you post your story to help people find it on a search.

The reason why a Girl/Boy isn't blindfolded is basically because Org Inc prefers to instill obedience in its personnel, rather than using physical means to enforce their rules. If you can't learn to obey, you will eventually be re-assigned to another "job position", probably much lower in status and privilege than Erotic Display.

That's fine, but then why isn't that info in the story? That would add to your world and your character -- we'd learn that she had the desire and discipline, for example, to get to this point. We'd learn how the company operates. Like I said, for me the story was fine as a little stand alone sex vignette, but it didn't make me want to read any more about either the corporation or the narrator character.

As for cutting contact with your family, Org Inc wants their people to be entirely cut off from their pasts, so they can concentrate exclusively on their current lives without any outside distractions.

Again, this would be useful info to have in the story. I mean this is a big thing, never seeing your family again. And for the rest of your life? Even when you aren't a Display or other position? That's demanding a lot from your employees.

 

[KarlFive]

@PennLady

Good points. I've copied them to be included in future stories.

 

[DarkPleasures]

It's the opening passage for my universe.

What I saw was your advertisement for a web site.

 

[sr71plt]

Why are you still trolling this guy, DarkPleasures/2RubyLips? An actual story posted to Literotica is under discussion (which is more than you have posted to Literotica), and a discussion of that story is ongoing--other than your trolling.

 

[lovecraft68]

What I saw was your advertisement for a web site.

A fictitious one I believe.

 

[lovecraft68]

Why are you still trolling this guy, DarkPleasures/2RubyLips? An actual story posted to Literotica is under discussion (which is more than you have posted to Literotica), and a discussion of that story is ongoing--other than your trolling.

why are you trolling her Pilot/4glory/saab/?

And please cite where you have contributed anything to this "ongoing discussion?" you haven't you're just in here sniping as usual.

 

[PennLady]

A fictitious one I believe.

Yes. I thought that was clear from the OP, that the writing was fictional advertising text to give potential readers an idea of what the story might be about.

 

[sr71plt]

An actual story posted to Literotica was presented for feedback. Doesn't matter where the OP wanted to take it from there. The feedback could be (and was) given to the story actually posted to Literotica and the rest could be (and was) just ignored by everyone except the alt a Lit. Mod is hiding behind.

 

[sr71plt]

why are you trolling her Pilot/4glory/saab/?

And please cite where you have contributed anything to this "ongoing discussion?" you haven't you're just in here sniping as usual.

You mean like you aren't doing except for trolling me?

The tiny-world perspective, hate-consumed pyscho, plugging away at an ineffectual smear campaign.

And in contrast to the alts you've made up for me here, Laurel herself outed Dark Pleasures/2Rudylips--and we have an Lit. Mod here who attacks posters using an alt. That can't be good on a forum.

 

[lovecraft68]

Yes. I thought that was clear from the OP, that the writing was fictional advertising text to give potential readers an idea of what the story might be about.

It seems the mod here thought it was real as well, the first post now says edited. But I can't remember seeing anything when it was first posted

Did the OP put in a 'fake url" because that makes two people here who said "spam" and something was erased.

I like the concept though has a lot of potential to write a series of stories that aren't the same storyline, but can revolve around a central concept....a sort of "mythos"

 

[sr71plt]

Incidentally, LC, since you've nonsensically introduced Sabb as an alt for me, I invite you to query Selena Kitt on that point. (Unless, of course, you are going to claim she's an alt of mine too. ) Or ask anyone here who says they can trace ISP origins. Sabb is one of my publishers, living in Australia. I live in Virginia. Do let me know what you find out (although you like to pretend being blind to stuff slapped down in front of you).

And 4Glory6--just think of her as the same as your Roz or JKendallDwayne. (Although I know that you can't believe I might have a groupie or three too.)

 

[lovecraft68]

Incidentally, LC, since you've nonsensically introduced Sabb as an alt for me, I invite you to query Selena Kitt on that point. (Unless, of course, you are going to claim she's an alt of mine too. ) Or ask anyone here who says they can trace ISP origins. Sabb is one of my publishers, living in Australia. I live in Virginia. Do let me know what you find out (although you like to pretend being blind to stuff slapped down in front of you).

And 4Glory6--just think of her as the same as your Roz or JKendallDwayne. (Although I know that you can't believe I might have a groupie or three too.)

I suppose I could....

But remember you've said on more than one occasions that even your publishers don't know who you really are.....so you could be both to them.....

See what happens when you lie all the time? They catch up with you.

and ISP's...things can be done with those.

 

[sr71plt]

Yep, I sure could be in both Australia and Virginia at the same time. And of course you wouldn't ask Selena Kitt. You've purposely ignored everything else your research has told you over the years.

But . . . not playing your psycho tin-hatted games. Go off and twitter in PMs with your groupies.

 

[DarkPleasures]

A fictitious one I believe.

No, it was a real site. Real enough that the mod removed the link.

 

[sr71plt]

THE functioning Mod of the Story Feedback forums--TheSoulfulBard?

Or the Mod 2RubyLips, who hides behind you as an alt when she's going trolling?

Bard?

Doesn't make that much difference. The feedback request made (and responded to) was for an actual story posted to Literotica, thus legitimate to that extent.

 

[lovecraft68]

THE functioning Mod of the Story Feedback forums--TheSoulfulBard?

Or the Mod 2RubyLips, who hides behind you as an alt when she's going trolling?

Bard?

Doesn't make that much difference. The feedback request made (and responded to) was for an actual story posted to Literotica, thus legitimate to that extent.

Try reading the damn post it says it was edited by soulfulbard.

Speaking of him.....we better watch it or he might pitch this thread into the GB.

 

[KarlFive]

Sorry to have started all this mess.

A fictitious one I believe.

Full disclosure:
The website is quite real, but that's part of the Org Inc "advertisement", not an advertisement on behalf of my website. It's not deliberate spam or an attempt to get you to go to my website.

However, that's probably why a Moderator saw fit to delete the URL in the first place. It was not meant as spam, but could have appeared to be, since it's a legitimate URL.

I read the rules, especially Rule 6. My intent was to get feedback on the story, not promote another site or a product. Had I known it would start an argument, I would have left it out to begin with.

I apologize for not doing so.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Why are you still trolling this guy, DarkPleasures/2RubyLips? An actual story posted to Literotica is under discussion (which is more than you have posted to Literotica), and a discussion of that story is ongoing--other than your trolling.

A fictitious one I believe.

Yes. I thought that was clear from the OP, that the writing was fictional advertising text to give potential readers an idea of what the story might be about.

An actual story posted to Literotica was presented for feedback. Doesn't matter where the OP wanted to take it from there. The feedback could be (and was) given to the story actually posted to Literotica and the rest could be (and was) just ignored by everyone except the alt a Lit. Mod is hiding behind.

It seems the mod here thought it was real as well, the first post now says edited. But I can't remember seeing anything when it was first posted

Did the OP put in a 'fake url" because that makes two people here who said "spam" and something was erased.

I like the concept though has a lot of potential to write a series of stories that aren't the same storyline, but can revolve around a central concept....a sort of "mythos"

No, it was a real site. Real enough that the mod removed the link.

THE functioning Mod of the Story Feedback forums--TheSoulfulBard?

Or the Mod 2RubyLips, who hides behind you as an alt when she's going trolling?

Bard?

Doesn't make that much difference. The feedback request made (and responded to) was for an actual story posted to Literotica, thus legitimate to that extent.

Try reading the damn post it says it was edited by soulfulbard.

Speaking of him.....we better watch it or he might pitch this thread into the GB.

Full disclosure:
The website is quite real, but that's part of the Org Inc "advertisement", not an advertisement on behalf of my website. It's not deliberate spam or an attempt to get you to go to my website.

However, that's probably why a Moderator saw fit to delete the URL in the first place. It was not meant as spam, but could have appeared to be, since it's a legitimate URL.

I read the rules, especially Rule 6. My intent was to get feedback on the story, not promote another site or a product. Had I known it would start an argument, I would have left it out to begin with.

I apologize for not doing so.

No problem. Mistakes happen.

New users around here aren't aware of the Forum rules, so your case is understandable. It's hard to discern fictitious websites from real ones unless one clicks on the link, so it is advisable not to post links unless they're absolutely sure that it is fictitious.

Yours was an actual working link to your own website, which was against the Forum rules.