What works and what doesn't work in my story??

[kris_12]

Hello everyone! This is another attempt of mine at writing a sexy story. I am curious to know how to please the readers, while staying true to what you are going for. So basically I am curious for any advice, specifically personal or not, and feedback

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-tale-of-endless-winter

 

[PennLady]

There are too many readers to even try to please, so you need to please yourself. It may be a bit of a wait, but there's an audience for just about everything. So write your story, and don't worry about pleasing everyone.

For this story in particular, a couple of things struck me. I think you use too many adjectives and get overly detailed. How can he hear her heels if he's inside, presumably with doors and windows shut because it's cold enough to see a person's breath?

I just felt overwhelmed with the descriptions. "His manly hands?" I think I know what you meant, but there were other words, like large, or rough, or eager.

 

[robertreams]

The air was cold that night, so cold, she could see the droplets of her breath fogging the air around her lips, as she walked the cobblestone streets, her black stiletto heels clicking. One hand clutched a present, the other grasped her long, suede coat closed against the bite of the wind.

He was simply standing behind the window,a devilish smile on his face, admiring her effort to protect her shapely legs from winters harsh touch. "Oh, he asked himself," how I long to feel the straps of your heels tight under my fingers.

 

[NancyAllbright]

There are too many readers to even try to please, so you need to please yourself. It may be a bit of a wait, but there's an audience for just about everything. So write your story, and don't worry about pleasing everyone.

For this story in particular, a couple of things struck me. I think you use too many adjectives and get overly detailed. How can he hear her heels if he's inside, presumably with doors and windows shut because it's cold enough to see a person's breath?

I just felt overwhelmed with the descriptions. "His manly hands?" I think I know what you meant, but there were other words, like large, or rough, or eager.

I agree with these comments. As a writer I write the story for my own enjoyment first and foremost. Erotica is not an easy genre to master because you need to be more succinct than other genres allow. Getting too bogged down with detail can be annoying to the reader. I dont think it was a bad effort and the scene was set well.

 

[kris_12]

ah ok I understand what you 're saying. I did feel a little carried away with this one and I guess it shows. So simplicity for the next time and to-the-point descriptions. thank you

 

[litmlove]

Your stream of conscious style is interesting but it didn't draw me in. To tell you what the problem is I can only describe it in how I felt: there is no rhythm. Basically you jump from idea to idea without ever finding a groove to go with (and it's not just because you lack adequate transitional sentences).

Jessamine is the earlier spelling of the flower jasmine. A beautiful and delicate flower with an innocently clear smell. What people don't know is that jasmine is highly toxic. What an appropriate name. Addictive was another word to describe their relationship. No promises. No expectations. The noise of the night was never followed by the peace of the morning and so their story became a broken record playing over a paradox. How can there be endless moons, when the sun never comes up?

Technically I can tell you that as a unit of composition this paragraph should have had a common theme. Yet technical rules can be broken, but probably not here. If you were to split the paragraph into themes it's more obvious;
- there is a lot more you could say on each topic. A paragraph each perhaps? Maybe not;
- these ideas only seem to be linked because they are in the same paragraph. No really. It would be just as valid to then discuss her work history.

While I do think it would be good if you dwell on your ideas for longer, most important issue is that I think you need to find your groove.

P.S. Read David Sedaris.

P.PS. I chose that paragraph to pick on because it was an early example. The rest of your writing tends to suffer from this same problem to vary degrees.

P.P.P.S You are not a bad writer. Good luck for your next story.