feedback request: fellatee

[shooterofbulle2]

[spam/advertising prohibited per our forum guidelines]

Please let me know what you think! Hopefully this is the right place to post this; seems like it is so far. Never published before, but I'm hoping some people will like it!

If you're into light D/s Mdom and BJ stories, this is what I mostly do.

 

[Hypoxia]

Please let me know what you think! Hopefully this is the right place to post this; seems like it is so far.

This forum is to discuss stories posted on LIT, not on other sites. Submit it here, get it approved, and THEN ask for feedback here. That's how it works. Cheers!

 

[shooterofbulle2]

Thanks! Uploads to literotica.com still pending approval. I'll read the FAQ in detail.

 

[shooterofbulle2]

Approved! Can't wait to see what people think of this. It's what you might call a 'stroke story'... but it will have a rapidly increasing amount of romance in the further chapters. Tons of oral and Mdom, as usual.

http://www.literotica.com/s/goodhead-farm-pt-01

And this one, just a little story I made a few years ago. It was changed from the man's perspective, to the woman's, which made it a little awkward at times, but I still like it. Inspired by a true story. Somewhat romance, all sex but oral heavy, some light Mdom. I'm considering doing some more with this.

http://www.literotica.com/s/rendezvous-fantasy

 

[Combat323]

Initial impressions

I think there are some things you could have done better.

Way too many -ing verbs in this story. Do a "find" for "ing" in your web browser with the first page pulled up, and you'll get 256 instances of "-ing."

I was finding that a little annoying;-).

Dialogue: She often says too much, and the narrator just tells us that he told her something. There's no back-and-forth:

"Oooh, you're wet already. I guess you're pretty horny."

I told her that I hadn't stroked off for two weeks, never having the opportunity, so I had a really big load of cum inside me, and it would come out pretty fast.

"Mmm, can I suck it out, please? I promise to swallow all your cum, and when you're done, I'll do it again."

I told her not to swallow until she was told, to keep the cum in her mouth.

It's a violation of the show, don't tell rule. (Ok, that's more of a guideline than a rule, really, but it makes for a better read.)

After the 'ing" search, do an "ly" search. Way too many adverbs going on here. You could probably do away with every single instance of "really."

Here's an example of both -ly adverb and -ing verb in one sentence:

After a while I closed my eyes and just felt her innocently slipping me into her throat over and over again.

How does one "innocently" slip a cock into one's throat over and over again?

I also think you should do away with the introductory paragraph and start with some action. Let the back story fill itself in as you go.

Just my two cents....take it for what you will.

 

[shooterofbulle2]

tx

Thanks! All very good advice. I didn't use much writing 'finesse', and it's good to be aware of the -ing issue. And I thought I was jumping into the action too quickly, until your comment... lol

 

[shooterofbulle2]

Good point about 'innocently' in the throat. I may have been wasted when I wrote that, and forgotten.

Here's a new one: http://www.literotica.com/s/the-maids-pt-01

Goodhead Farm part 2: http://www.literotica.com/s/goodhead-farm-pt-02

 

[robertreams]

lose the "still" and "just" "I closed my eyes and 'just' felt her. . . " Does 'just' here mean only? Then he only felt her slipping his cock into her throat over and over. Is that all? Was he supposed to do something besides feel it?

You need a lot more detail. he "felt her" what did it feel like? look like, smell like. You can make this a lot more real by involving our senses. What color was the cock pink, grey light brown, deep brown? was it huge, cut, pink, wrinkled, smooth. How about her lips did she leave a lipstick ring, what color? Could you see the bulge in her throat? How did she say "Can i suck it out please", if she had a cock sliding in and out of her throat? That kind of conversation really kills a hard on. Stick to the action, make it real. Despite all the sex going on, it only rates about a 2 on my peter meter, too much extraneous conversation going on.

"Keep my cum in your mouth," I demanded, "don't swallow." Don't tell us what you told her, let us hear it.

 

[shooterofbulle2]

thanks for the reply