Intro to BDSM help

[usse]

My wife has expressed an interest and I would like to explore this. Can anyone suggest intro material?

I have read some stories on the subject but they seem a bit further along then just playing. Don't want to scare, more like nurture these desires.

 

[CutieMouse]

The New Topping Book

The New Bottoming Book

The Loving Dominant

Those are all good places to start, IMO. But really, it's a relationship like any other relationships - good, open, honest communication helps. A lot.

Talking about things like what does she think of when she hears D/s or BDSM? What do you think of when you hear D/s or BDSM? Are y'all on the same page? Are you going in the same direction? Y'all get to create your own "rules" (for lack of a better term), so what do each of you want out of this?

Asking questions/ starting threads here, and/ or joining fetlife.com and doing the same can be helpful, too. Fet is more of a networking/ kinky Facebook, so if you want to meet other people, go to functions, take classes (on anything from negotiation skills, to bondage, to setting up household rules, etc), Fet can be a wonderful resource to find local groups & activities.

 

[uncle easy]

soft intro

Maybe you could start by doing things that you know she doesn't like you to do but turns her on. My wife doesn't want me kissing her nose, but it turns her on. So from tome to time i will hold her and do just that. It gets things started down the correct road. Then maybe holding her by the throat and kissing her real deep and hard. Try things like this and see if she gets wet and turned-on. If not then you can say that you tried. Just move slow and don't scare her. Lots of luck. Keep us informed.

 

[NickiC]

The New Topping Book

The New Bottoming Book

The Loving Dominant

Those are all good places to start, IMO. But really, it's a relationship like any other relationships - good, open, honest communication helps. A lot.

Talking about things like what does she think of when she hears D/s or BDSM? What do you think of when you hear D/s or BDSM? Are y'all on the same page? Are you going in the same direction? Y'all get to create your own "rules" (for lack of a better term), so what do each of you want out of this?

Asking questions/ starting threads here, and/ or joining fetlife.com and doing the same can be helpful, too. Fet is more of a networking/ kinky Facebook, so if you want to meet other people, go to functions, take classes (on anything from negotiation skills, to bondage, to setting up household rules, etc), Fet can be a wonderful resource to find local groups & activities.

I agree and it should always be mutual. It should never be coerced. The joint understanding is what makes it work. There is a level of abuse that can happen in the BDSM culture and those who are not informed get involved and are prey to people who just want to abuse someone. 50 Shades romanticized it to a dangerous degree in my opinion because there are lonely people who have no idea what it means if it works and have fantasies of the book but don't know the dangers of the scene. Be careful and trust your instincts.

 

[Bramblethorn]

My wife has expressed an interest and I would like to explore this. Can anyone suggest intro material?

I have read some stories on the subject but they seem a bit further along then just playing. Don't want to scare, more like nurture these desires.

Stories can be a great source of inspiration for BDSM fantasy, but mostly they're not a good place to learn how-to. A lot of the "BDSM" stories you'll find here and elsewhere are very light on important stuff like negotiation/consent (Sir DomlyDom is telepathic and always knows what his partner wants even if she won't admit it to herself) and physical safety (nobody ever has a nasty accident while left alone chained up for an hour).

The New Topping Book

The New Bottoming Book

The Loving Dominant

Seconding these. I'd also recommend Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns and SM 101. "Screw The Roses" is more about ways to have fun, "SM 101" is more safety-oriented.

 

[usse]

We, I have been experimenting for a while now. She is responding well but I'm liking it a little too much. The line of being erotic or mean is getting pretty thin.

Anybody else experienced this?

Ever cross that line? If so, how bad was it getting back on the right side?

 

[SpunThings]

We, I have been experimenting for a while now. She is responding well but I'm liking it a little too much. The line of being erotic or mean is getting pretty thin.

Anybody else experienced this?

Ever cross that line? If so, how bad was it getting back on the right side?

What exactly is your definition of mean? Some people like mean. It's all about informed consent. If you're able to keep it in check and not exceed her boundaries, I wouldn't worry. It doesn't make you a bad person. If you're ever unsure of your abilities to respect boundaries, step back and slow down.

 

[cookiecat]

We, I have been experimenting for a while now. She is responding well but I'm liking it a little too much. The line of being erotic or mean is getting pretty thin.

Anybody else experienced this?

Ever cross that line? If so, how bad was it getting back on the right side?

Can you give an example?

The thing about being "mean" plays in to some bdsm stereotypes. Like you have to be the big, bad wolf to your innocent, perhaps unwilling wife. It's one thing to be aggressive, assertive, confident, dominant vs. mean.

I get what you're saying though. Some of the things we do could certainly look "mean" to some folks. In the heat of the moment, it's hard to keep that in check.

It is a weird balancing act. The one thing to always, always keep in mind is to keep her best interests in mind.

I can only speak from a submissive mindset. I've allowed "mean" things to happen to me because I really, really trusted the person I was with. The groundwork was laid out firmly between us. I trusted that he wouldn't do anything I couldn't handle because he'd proved that to me.

You ask about how you get back from crossing a line. Tons and tons and tons of communication. Lots of cuddles and hugs. Making her feel safe. Admitting you made a mistake - if you believe you did cross a line. Or you know - just don't set up a situation where you think you would.

 

[usse]

Thanks.

Sounds like I need to work on the communication. Don't know how to descibe it. It's kind of like, I can't shut up when I'm getting in her head but the minute I get back in mine, not a word. She starts asking questions and my answers are pounding her a little harder, make her deep throat me or slap her ass.

While those things are received well, they are just a scratch of what I'd like to be doing to her.

 

[cookiecat]

Thanks.

Sounds like I need to work on the communication. Don't know how to descibe it. It's kind of like, I can't shut up when I'm getting in her head but the minute I get back in mine, not a word. She starts asking questions and my answers are pounding her a little harder, make her deep throat me or slap her ass.

While those things are received well, they are just a scratch of what I'd like to be doing to her.

Ok that was hot.

It sounds like you're on a pretty good path since she's good with what you're doing. Just keep doing what you're doing, asking questions, getting in her head. Let her in yours once in a while!

Maybe talk about this, ask questions, discuss desires over dinner or some place really mundane. Bring it up driving to the grocery store so the discussion isn't going to take you to a "mean" place. Just a fun horny place. Hope that makes sense.

 

[SpunThings]

Thanks.

Sounds like I need to work on the communication. Don't know how to descibe it. It's kind of like, I can't shut up when I'm getting in her head but the minute I get back in mine, not a word. She starts asking questions and my answers are pounding her a little harder, make her deep throat me or slap her ass.

While those things are received well, they are just a scratch of what I'd like to be doing to her.

Talk to her about it and ask how she feels about that response. I'd love it, but I like objectification sometimes. I also like a bit of cruel.

If she's ok with it, but you're still uncomfortable, you're going to have to do some soul searching to see what the source of your discomfort is.

 

[yellowrocket]

I'm just starting to get in to this side of myself. A big part of my journey has simply been, what and I into, what is she into, and how far can things go?

While this might seem like easy or very basic questions, the answers open and close all kinds of doors.

Things like what type of relationship are you going for in the bedroom. Purely physical, where you take the lead and physically make her do what you want, or one where she wants to serve and please you?

How much pain to use and how each of you feel about it, and when becomes a big factor. I knew someone that I could do everything short of leaving lasting pain to, when she was in that place. When she wasnt, smacking her ass was a turn off.

So the biggest pieces of advice I can give is communicate with her often, and watch her body language carefully. Also never lose control. While pain can be fun, harm isn't and there's a difference.

There's one more thing, since it's someone you're in a committed relationship with, don't forget to occasionally be the most tender loving person she's ever met.

 

[usse]

Ok that was hot.

It sounds like you're on a pretty good path since she's good with what you're doing. Just keep doing what you're doing, asking questions, getting in her head. Let her in yours once in a while!

Maybe talk about this, ask questions, discuss desires over dinner or some place really mundane. Bring it up driving to the grocery store so the discussion isn't going to take you to a "mean" place. Just a fun horny place. Hope that makes sense.

Thanks,

Getting in my head is what frightens her. lol

 

[Ananya2017]

I also like bdsm. My hubby is 24yrs older than me. He won and own me with bdsm. I was fucked by him when I was 19 and he was 43. I became his slave totally.
You can ask your wife what type of bdsm she likes or you may search her sensitive part of body. Torture on that part may help you to make her happy.
My sensitive part are my nipples and neck. He makes me ride on his 8inches and suck and bites my 44F which was made by love of his lips hands and teeth. After I squirt he always fuck mw hard and cum inside me. From very beginning we never used condoms. I took pills on danger periods.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I also like bdsm. My hubby is 24yrs older than me. He won and own me with bdsm. I was fucked by him when I was 19 and he was 43. I became his slave totally.
You can ask your wife what type of bdsm she likes or you may search her sensitive part of body. Torture on that part may help you to make her happy.
My sensitive part are my nipples and neck. He makes me ride on his 8inches and suck and bites my 44F which was made by love of his lips hands and teeth. After I squirt he always fuck mw hard and cum inside me. From very beginning we never used condoms. I took pills on danger periods.

What is a "danger period" and what kind of pills? Birth control pills? They don't work well when taken sporadically.

 

[yellowrocket]

One of the big subjects we had at the discussion I was at last night focused in after care. Ad not just the ohysocal, but the emotional parts too. Never play angry. If you feel that rage building, and it's different than a rush from being in charge and you have to learn to recognize the difference, it's time to step back and let things cool down. Who ever the dom is, is not the only one in charge of safety. The sub who needs to remember that and use that safe word when they need it.

Check in with eachother before during and after. Remembering communication is so big. Feelings, wants and desires can change over time.

 

[Ananya2017]

What is a "danger period" and what kind of pills? Birth control pills? They don't work well when taken sporadically.

Evolution period dear. And yes those pills don't work always. But works.

 

[SalvDali]

I can't remember which thread it was in on here but someone linked a test that you both take independently and it only shares the results that you both expressed interest in...

This was a huge leap forward for us. I as well was a bit timid about expressing what I wanted to do to her but this made it easy and I was pleasantly surprised we were both pretty much on the same page about everything.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Evolution period dear. And yes those pills don't work always. But works.

I need further clarification. What is an evolution period? Are you suggesting you've evolved? Birth control pills are only reliable when taken as prescribed.

Maybe do you mean ovulation? Are there pills that you take only while ovulating??

 

[Jessica454545]

I need further clarification. What is an evolution period? Are you suggesting you've evolved? Birth control pills are only reliable when taken as prescribed.

Maybe do you mean ovulation? Are there pills that you take only while ovulating??

There is also a point when you first start taking them that they may not be fully effective.

As you said use as prescribed! And talk to a doctor/health specialist if unsure.

 

[usse]

Getting better.

Have been having fun with this so far.

I happened to notice the heat that radiates after a healthy spanking and tried something new this weekend. I bound my beauty and bent her over a chair in our hotel room. I stripped her from the waist down and gave her a few tender pats. I then moved to her head and fed her my cock as I increased the force of her spanking. Once her bottom was good and red I moved in behind her. I dipped my hands in a bucket of ice water I had prepared and just as I drove my tongue in her sweetness I placed my freezing hands on her ass. Can you say GOOSE BUMPS?????

 

[BangTidyUK]

I dipped my hands in a bucket of ice water I had prepared and just as I drove my tongue in her sweetness I placed my freezing hands on her ass. Can you say GOOSE BUMPS?????

These is a whole heap of fun to be had with temperature and sensation play, try making a dildo out of ice, but do not use it immediately, let it start to sweat at room temp a little first lol, a champagne flute filled with water and stood up in the freezer is an easy one to start with, as is the plastic blister packaging from some sextoys

https://cdn.latexleatherandlace.co.uk/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/650x/040ec09b1e35df139433887a97daa66f/p/d/pd4300-23.jpg

We have made one using the blister pack from a double dildo before, we have also used the same blister pack from making Jelly / Jello for parties

a little creativity goes a long way

 

[KayceeCharles]

Plenty of other way to get temperature play.

Just iced hands or a cube of ice slide along applied to the skin when the subject is bound and/or blind-folded produce plenty of sensations, esp. around the neck area. Our neck area is not well endowed with temperature nerves that sense heat or cold. An ice cube there for a few seconds can feel like burning.

Variation on that is Maybe ice water gargle alternate with hot water garble oral play.

Some have suggested minty mouthwash rinse, then oral play. Not sure how much of that would transfer though.