Tell Me a Joke

[Kelleebabes]

An art therapist decides to throw a "Color" themed party, your suppose to come dressed as an emotion...
Ding dong...first couple arrives, dressed head to toe in red..."Let me guess" said the therapist..."Your red with anger"..."welcome to the party ! come in"
Ding dong...second guess arrives, A lovely woman with a green dress, and a green hat..."ahhh yes,your green with jealousy or envy"..."excellent, please join in the fun"
Ding dong...next it's another couple decked out all in blue,..."ohhh sad, your dressed blue because your unhappy"..."come in , come in..."This went on for several more colors...The party was in full swing...lastly
Ding dong...the therapist opened the door, there stood a big naked man...with his penis sticking through a pear... the therapist scratched his head and said"mmm I'm afraid I can't quite figure out what emotion you are?...The man in a deep voice said..."I'm fucking dispear"\\

 

[patientlee]

Thanks, guys. PMS blows everything out of proportion. I'll be good tomorrow.

 

[JKendallDane]

To tide you over....

http://www.allfordmustangs.com/forums/attachments/2005-2010-mustang-gt-tech/31261d1185945390-anyone-know-where-flasher-2.gif http://www.oocities.org/stpaddysdayfun/paddy-flasher.gif

 

[Bramblethorn]

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

Slugs.

 

[Bramblethorn]

An art therapist decides to throw a "Color" themed party, your suppose to come dressed as an emotion...
Ding dong...first couple arrives, dressed head to toe in red..."Let me guess" said the therapist..."Your red with anger"..."welcome to the party ! come in"
Ding dong...second guess arrives, A lovely woman with a green dress, and a green hat..."ahhh yes,your green with jealousy or envy"..."excellent, please join in the fun"
Ding dong...next it's another couple decked out all in blue,..."ohhh sad, your dressed blue because your unhappy"..."come in , come in..."This went on for several more colors...The party was in full swing...lastly
Ding dong...the therapist opened the door, there stood a big naked man...with his penis sticking through a pear... the therapist scratched his head and said"mmm I'm afraid I can't quite figure out what emotion you are?...The man in a deep voice said..."I'm fucking dispear"\\

I've heard this one as "fucking dis custard" followed by "deep in dis pear".

 

[AndrosD]

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent....
-
-
-
-
-
-
Wedding cake.

 

[49greg]

Me to the last bible thumper that came to my door.

"You know how I know Jesus couldn't walk on water?"

"How?' They ask

"Because of the dam." I reply

"The dam?" They shake their head.

"Yeah, the damn holes in his feet."

The person was not amused.

If there is a hell, I've already got my ticket punched.

You may be headed for hotter climes, but I laughed pretty hard, I suspect I'm going there too. Good one, really good one. I once told some Jehovah's witnesses that we were strict catholics (not true) and they they looked at me in horror and quickly left.

 

[49greg]

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent....
-
-
-
-
-
-
Wedding cake.

I heard that one, only it was the cause of multiple headaches in women, or, to be fair, the loss of a man's sex drive.

 

[JKendallDane]

I once told some Jehovah's witnesses that we were strict catholics (not true) and they they looked at me in horror and quickly left.

You wanna really have some fun?

Answer the door naked for the JW's.

It's even more fun to do it to the tag teams of Mormon boys.

 

[TxRad]

You wanna really have some fun?

Answer the door naked for the JW's.

It's even more fun to do it to the tag teams of Mormon boys.

Don't forget to invite them in to get naked, have a beer, and discussion the bible in a relaxed atmosphere.

It always works for me.

 

[JKendallDane]

Don't forget to invite them in to get naked, have a beer, and discussion the bible in a relaxed atmosphere.

It always works for me.

Actually the last time the Mormon Boys hit I was fully dressed. But I did invite them in and while they were settling in on the couch in the family room, I yelled down the hallway to my partner of ten years that was in the computer room: "Hey baby. We have company. Grab my my Bible and come join us for a bit."

I wish I had a picture of the looks on their faces when "baby" turned out to be six foot two, 200#, and also very much male.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

!

2nd Favorite light bulb joke:

Q: What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.


1st Favorite light bulb joke:
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but the light has to really want to change.


All time favorite (since I was raised Catholic)
Q: How many Catholic mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "Oh, don't worry about me, dear. I'll just sit here in the dark."


Since it's nearly Halloween, all clean enough to share!

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and Smurf?
A: A little blue sucker about THIS big!

Q: What's a ghost's favorite song?
A: "I ain't got no-body. . ."

Q: Why didn't the ghost go to the Halloween dance?
A: No body to dance with.

Q: Why do ghosts haunt elevators?
A: It lifts their spirits.

Q: Did you hear about the skeleton that walked into a bar?
A: He order a beer and a mop.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go see the scary movie?
A: He had not guts.

Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire orders a blood.
The second vampire orders a blood.
The third vampire orders a plasma.
The bartender says, "So that's two bloods and a blood lite, right?"

 

[Tio_Narratore]

I was thinking today that while we have aromas specific to the Yule Season, such is lacking for Hallowe'en. Perhaps

Candle Wax and Pumpkin, because there's nothing like a Jack O'Lantern to lure goblins to your door, or

Broom-Corn, one whiff, and the Witches will be fighting to ride you, or

Blood Trail, a scent that'll have your favourite Vamp nibbling at your neck in no time, or

Eau de Decomp, sure to attract a graveyard full of Zombies, or

Fear, Werewolves can smell it from a mile away.


(Not great, I know, but mildly amusing, I hope)

 

[patientlee]

Thanks everybody. My funk has dissipated a bit. I'll reread these through my happier eyes tonight.

 

[Handley_Page]

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body.
You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally, I drifted off to sleep.
Today when I awoke, you were gone.

I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.
Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........















Fucking mosquito...

 

[PayDay]

My dad told me this one today:

"If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"