Tell Me a Joke

[patientlee]

I'm in a lousy mood. Make me laugh. Please.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'm in a lousy mood. Make me laugh. Please.

Once upon a time, an American tourist was driving along a dirt road in hot, dusty Central Australia when his car broke down. He knew there might not be another person along that road for weeks, so he took his hat and his water bottle and started walking. After an hour of trudging through the dust and the heat, he saw a sign: MERCY 20 KM

He kept walking. The dust got into his shoes and his mouth, and he drank the last of his water. The sun was high in the sky, and he felt like he was going to melt, by the time he saw the next sign: MERCY 10 KM.

He kept going. The flies buzzed around him, and his tongue felt like a strip of beef jerky in his mouth, and his head hurt, and there was no shade at all. He wanted to stop for a rest, but he knew if he did he'd never get up again. And at last, with his skin sunburned and his feet blistered, he got to the next sign: WELCOME TO MERCY POPULATION 23

In the middle of town - if you can call it that - there was a pub. He staggered in and gasped out "Gimme water!"

"We've only got koala tea," said the owner. "It's a bit rough."

"I don't care, I'll drink anything!"

So he sat down and waited while she brewed the tea and brought it out in a gigantic mug. When she did, he realised "koala" wasn't just a brand name, it was the main ingredient. Two pathetic little paws clinging on to the rim of the mug, grey fur floating on the top, and a dark shape beneath the surface.

Well, he was thirstier than he'd ever been in his life, but he still had his limits. "For the love of God, can't you take this away and strain it?"

She looked at him indignantly, with both hands on her hips, and snapped, "The koala tea of Mercy is not strained!"

...I'll get my coat.

 

[JKendallDane]

If all you need is a good laugh, I can send you a naked selfie.

 

[MSTarot]

There is a knock on the door of an Abby in Ireland. When the nun opens the door outside is two leprechauns. One is laughing his head off, an the other one, smelling strongly of whiskey, smiles up at the nun.

"Dear Mother Superior, could you please summon the leprechaun nun that lives in this Abby?" He does his best to keep from swaying.

"I'm sorry my son, there is no leprechaun nun at this Abby."

"Well, then could you tell me in just what Abby in Ireland there lives the leprechaun nun?"

The nun frowns.

"I'm sorry my son, but to my knowledge there is not a leprechaun nun at any Abby in Ireland." The drunk little man starts to speak again, but she stops him "But more to the point, my son, to my knowledge there is no such thing as a leprechaun nun!"

At which point his laughing friend falls to the ground clutching his chest he is laughing so hard. Gasping for breath he points to his friend.

"See! I told you! I told you your drunk ass fucked a penguin!"


MST

 

[PayDay]

OK:

A person was at college selecting classes. This person selected a class called Creative Writing.

 

[PennLady]

Q: How many yuppies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, yuppies screw in hot tubs.

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, they're small.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Giraffe.

 

[JWren]

I'm in a lousy mood. Make me laugh. Please.

Try these, PL, and love the pig!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days,
you would have produced enough sound energy
to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy
of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
(I already have 2 bombs)
*
The human heart creates enough pressure
when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
*
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)
*
A cockroach will live nine days without its head
before it starves to death. (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)
*
The male praying mantis cannot copulate
while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
*
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
*
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ....quality over quantity.)
*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
*
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)
*
Right-handed people live, on average,
nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
*

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
*
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
*
Humans and dolphins are the only species
that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
*
Now that you've smiled at least once,
it's your turn to spread these crazy facts
and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to,
maybe even a chuckle.
*
In other words, send it to everyone!
(and God love that pig!)
*

 

[patientlee]

The corners of my mouth lifted. Keep 'em coming. I'm trying to build up to a belly laugh.

 

[49greg]

Not so much a joke as a smile.

I saw a sign once on an old old office supply store:

"All typewriters on sale, electric and manuel."

I never found out who Manuel was, but I guess he had a lot of typewriters.

 

[Handley_Page]

You might allso look in the Humor thread. It's full of jokes good & bad.

Try HERE

 

[lovecraft68]

Me to the last bible thumper that came to my door.

"You know how I know Jesus couldn't walk on water?"

"How?' They ask

"Because of the dam." I reply

"The dam?" They shake their head.

"Yeah, the damn holes in his feet."

The person was not amused.

If there is a hell, I've already got my ticket punched.

 

[redzinger]

Have a read of 'Dumb Domme'. She's great.

http://dumbdomme.com/2012/03/self-bondage-fail.html

http://dumbdomme.com/2012/08/unfortunate-personal-grooming.html

etc.

 

[PennLady]

Me to the last bible thumper that came to my door.

"You know how I know Jesus couldn't walk on water?"

"How?' They ask

"Because of the dam." I reply

"The dam?" They shake their head.

"Yeah, the damn holes in his feet."

The person was not amused.

If there is a hell, I've already got my ticket punched.

No, they were probably thinking how you had your timeline wrong. The walking on water happened before the holes in the feet. Now, if you'd simply pointed out the physics...

 

[lovecraft68]

No, they were probably thinking how you had your timeline wrong. The walking on water happened before the holes in the feet. Now, if you'd simply pointed out the physics...

That's true, but it was all about the delivery.....

Third time the same guy came around and I was just tired of being polite.

 

[Swilly]

I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but for you, pl:

LC, pilot and I were sitting in a bar having a few beers. Suddenly, pilot turned to us and said...you know. .I really love you guys.

 

[lovecraft68]

I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but for you, pl:

LC, pilot and I were sitting in a bar having a few beers. Suddenly, pilot turned to us and said...you know. .I really love you guys.

And then we all took selfies.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

A man walks into a bar, damn near killed him.

 

[lovecraft68]

Dog with three legs walks into a saloon. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

 

[Bramblethorn]

No, they were probably thinking how you had your timeline wrong. The walking on water happened before the holes in the feet. Now, if you'd simply pointed out the physics...

After the Resurrection, Jesus' buddies thought he needed a night off, so they took him to a disco - Jesus LOVED disco, he danced like you wouldn't believe. But this time he just stayed in a corner, watching. When he tried dancing... no moves, no rhythm, nothing.

Eventually Peter comes by and asks him what's wrong.

"Help! I've risen and I can't get down!"

 

[MSTarot]

A man walks into a bar, damn near killed him.

Walk shit, I was running. knocked my ass slap unconscious.

 

[PennLady]

After the Resurrection, Jesus' buddies thought he needed a night off, so they took him to a disco - Jesus LOVED disco, he danced like you wouldn't believe. But this time he just stayed in a corner, watching. When he tried dancing... no moves, no rhythm, nothing.

Eventually Peter comes by and asks him what's wrong.

"Help! I've risen and I can't get down!"

LOL Good one.

This isn't a joke, but an anecdote related to me by my aunt. She'd attended a christening or something at a church, and there was a young kid next to his dad and he asked about the crucifix. His dad explained, presumably in basic terms, what it was. The kid paused, looked, and said, "Why didn't they just shoot him?"

 

[PayDay]

And then we all took selfies.

I LOL'd.

 

[R. Richard]

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

Neither hippos nor whales can 'jump.' They each can erupt from water, but that's not really jumping. I believe that you're showing elephants in a bad light here.
Around Christmas time they're known as ephants (people say no el, no el.)

 

[3113]

"See! I told you! I told you your drunk ass fucked a penguin!"

I laughed! Shows you my sense of humor.

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

Try this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdDtwc9HA7s