How to overcome insecurity

[Belle_Nuit]

Many of you may have read my "need to vent" thread. I posted that thread right after a fight, and I was very angry at the time... literally, I just needed to vent.

This thread is kind of in addition to that thread.

Turns out my partner DOES have a sex drive. He's kinky, and I'm not sure if I am or not. He decided he would "behave" which translated into us having sex once a month, which is definitely not what I want. Since our fight we've had sex every day since.

1. He wants to have a threesome (doesn't matter if its a man or a woman, he suggested oral only)

2/ He wants to have anal sex (and is willing to work up slowly, I also have a strap on, and he said I don't have to "take" anything that he can't) --- I think I have higher pelvic tone which may make this more difficult for me

3. He wants to practice deep throating - Does anyone know if this damages the throat's anatomy? I don't want to have trouble swallowing when I'm old.

I don't really want to do any of those things, but I'm willing to entertain the thought of them. I'm willing to try anal/deep throating to see if it will work (although I really doubt it will). I'm not opposed to a oral only threesome.

The thing is, I've been with him since I was 18 (I'm 25 now, he's 29). He's the only person I've had sex with. I still don't really know what I like in bed, and what I don't. The idea of all of these things sounds fun, and I wish I was the type of person who could just DO IT, and not feel guilty about it. I feel very insecure about a lot of sex related things, which I think contributes to my hesitation.

How do you get over it (insecurity that is)? How do you decide what's right for you? I've been thinking these things over for many years and still don't seem to have an answer. Do you figure it out by trying it out?

 

[DesEsseintes]

I think to a large extent it does indeed come down to trying things out, provided the idea doesn't actually disgust/terrify you. But it is also unusual to be in your position of having been with your only sexual partner for such a long time - and it is wonderful that, in spite of ups and downs, you still want sex often, and are willing to try new things.

But for most people, several partners does also mean encountering many different peoples' ideas of what constitutes kinky/normal/sexy/appalling. A chance to compare and contrast, both with their different ideas and with your own changeable responses. Moreover, what does not appeal with one partner may well appeal with another. I would venture to suggest that you are in a relatively unusual position - most people with one partner for a long period of time are either older and more experienced, and have therefore already discovered a wide range of likes and dislikes, or, if young like you and only with one partner, are far more likely to be strictly religious and therefore less likely to wish to experiment with non-traditional sex.

I am certainly not saying that you should leave your partner, or play around with others, etc, unless you both want that. But I can see why it is more difficult for you than for most people. It might help you feel less pressurised if there were things you were keen on doing too, so that you could have, as it were, a bargaining chip. That can in itself be sexy, as you discuss each others' ideas. It's all very well for him to say that you can do anal to him, too, but the whole anal thing is his idea. It is good of him to say that, but it doesn't really make it mutual, since left to yourself you would wish neither to play nor be played with anally. Try to think of something he has not mentioned but which is a turn on/fantasy for you.

None of this is to say that you should not try these things - and you might love them. But don't make the mistake of thinking you must try them or he will leave you. And whatever you try, be conscious of it - so many people block things out, and then can't really remember what they like and don't like abotu a new experience. Try to remember every sensation, so that rather than saying afterwards in general terms that you loved it or hated it, you will be able to say, 'This bit was amazing - more of that! But this bit made me feel uncomfortable - less of that'. Take control of your own experience, so that you can fit it in with every other experience and see how the whole pattern makes you feel.

 

[Aamazing1]

Many of you may have read my "need to vent" thread. I posted that thread right after a fight, and I was very angry at the time... literally, I just needed to vent.

This thread is kind of in addition to that thread.

Turns out my partner DOES have a sex drive. He's kinky, and I'm not sure if I am or not. He decided he would "behave" which translated into us having sex once a month, which is definitely not what I want. Since our fight we've had sex every day since.

1. He wants to have a threesome (doesn't matter if its a man or a woman, he suggested oral only)

2/ He wants to have anal sex (and is willing to work up slowly, I also have a strap on, and he said I don't have to "take" anything that he can't) --- I think I have higher pelvic tone which may make this more difficult for me

3. He wants to practice deep throating - Does anyone know if this damages the throat's anatomy? I don't want to have trouble swallowing when I'm old.

I don't really want to do any of those things, but I'm willing to entertain the thought of them. I'm willing to try anal/deep throating to see if it will work (although I really doubt it will). I'm not opposed to a oral only threesome.

The thing is, I've been with him since I was 18 (I'm 25 now, he's 29). He's the only person I've had sex with. I still don't really know what I like in bed, and what I don't. The idea of all of these things sounds fun, and I wish I was the type of person who could just DO IT, and not feel guilty about it. I feel very insecure about a lot of sex related things, which I think contributes to my hesitation.

How do you get over it (insecurity that is)? How do you decide what's right for you? I've been thinking these things over for many years and still don't seem to have an answer. Do you figure it out by trying it out?

Move on

 

[Christopher2012]

Move on

Yeah, I actually agree. In my infinite wisdom of relationships (not really...), it seems like this dude has spent his entire adult life with one person and now he is really regretting that he didn't test drive a few Corvettes and Mustangs. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you're not desirable. You may be a Porsche but this guy is showing signs that he wants to go back and relive his twenties as a bachelor.

Unfortunately, I don't see a positive ending to this even IF you do decide to try out new things sexually.

 

[fire_breeze]

Many of you may have read my "need to vent" thread. I posted that thread right after a fight, and I was very angry at the time... literally, I just needed to vent.

This thread is kind of in addition to that thread.

Turns out my partner DOES have a sex drive. He's kinky, and I'm not sure if I am or not. He decided he would "behave" which translated into us having sex once a month, which is definitely not what I want. Since our fight we've had sex every day since.

1. He wants to have a threesome (doesn't matter if its a man or a woman, he suggested oral only)

2/ He wants to have anal sex (and is willing to work up slowly, I also have a strap on, and he said I don't have to "take" anything that he can't) --- I think I have higher pelvic tone which may make this more difficult for me

3. He wants to practice deep throating - Does anyone know if this damages the throat's anatomy? I don't want to have trouble swallowing when I'm old.

I don't really want to do any of those things, but I'm willing to entertain the thought of them. I'm willing to try anal/deep throating to see if it will work (although I really doubt it will). I'm not opposed to a oral only threesome.

The thing is, I've been with him since I was 18 (I'm 25 now, he's 29). He's the only person I've had sex with. I still don't really know what I like in bed, and what I don't. The idea of all of these things sounds fun, and I wish I was the type of person who could just DO IT, and not feel guilty about it. I feel very insecure about a lot of sex related things, which I think contributes to my hesitation.

How do you get over it (insecurity that is)? How do you decide what's right for you? I've been thinking these things over for many years and still don't seem to have an answer. Do you figure it out by trying it out?

Sigh.

Honey, if you don't want to do any of the 'suggested' list then don't. There's compromise - for example, if you were not the type to give oral (I know that you are, just work with me here) and he suggested that you deep throat, then the perfect negotiation would be you give him oral. And then there's an entire ignoring of what YOU want and your insecurities. Partnerships is about partners. What about your wants? Your desires? Doesn't that count for him?

Do you feel insecure with the actual acts or the fact that it's with him? There are important questions to ask. Some may disagree, but what you have proposed are not exactly low-bars to cross, unlike oral. It sounds to me that your partner is diving into the deep end when you're not even having regular sex. If you were having regular, satisfying and mutually enjoyable sex - kinky or not - then yes, I'd say let's go over some of your hesitation. But the fact remains that you're having problems in the bedroom, and it's not the time to go experimenting. You need to be on the same page emotionally, sexually and intellectually before introducing kinky monkey sex into your lives.
Threesomes, for example, requires a strong, and I mean rock-solid, relationship to begin with. You are not there. Not everyone is wired for threesomes. Anal requires an extremely high level of trust, and not everyone likes backdoor play. To echo SweetErika, SilverWhisper, NM, Bramble, Pdude, Rain and JtohisPB as well as many - there is something else at play here. From what you have told us, and you did try to paint your partner in a good light, there is something seriously amiss.

 

[Emerson40]

Many of you may have read my "need to vent" thread. I posted that thread right after a fight, and I was very angry at the time... literally, I just needed to vent.

This thread is kind of in addition to that thread.

Turns out my partner DOES have a sex drive. He's kinky, and I'm not sure if I am or not. He decided he would "behave" which translated into us having sex once a month, which is definitely not what I want. Since our fight we've had sex every day since.

1. He wants to have a threesome (doesn't matter if its a man or a woman, he suggested oral only)

2/ He wants to have anal sex (and is willing to work up slowly, I also have a strap on, and he said I don't have to "take" anything that he can't) --- I think I have higher pelvic tone which may make this more difficult for me

3. He wants to practice deep throating - Does anyone know if this damages the throat's anatomy? I don't want to have trouble swallowing when I'm old.

I don't really want to do any of those things, but I'm willing to entertain the thought of them. I'm willing to try anal/deep throating to see if it will work (although I really doubt it will). I'm not opposed to a oral only threesome.

The thing is, I've been with him since I was 18 (I'm 25 now, he's 29). He's the only person I've had sex with. I still don't really know what I like in bed, and what I don't. The idea of all of these things sounds fun, and I wish I was the type of person who could just DO IT, and not feel guilty about it. I feel very insecure about a lot of sex related things, which I think contributes to my hesitation.

How do you get over it (insecurity that is)? How do you decide what's right for you? I've been thinking these things over for many years and still don't seem to have an answer. Do you figure it out by trying it out?

I see a great deal about what he wants, with little or no regard to your wants and needs.

This next bit is gonna sound harsh, and a little mean, but my intent is to be direct and blunt, not insulting. He sounds like a bit of a manipulator, and you sound like a bit of a doormat. You state clearly that you don't want to do any of it, and then follow this up with concessions and excuses. You complain about him and his behaviour, then defend it. Where is the compromising, where is the togetherness? You guys sound like you're not only out of sync, but going in different directions.

I get that he's the only guy you've had sex with, and maybe the only serious relationship you've had, but a relationship is a two-way street. This thread and the other (venting) one you started... your relationship sounds very one-sided. We are only hearing your side of course, but there is more going on here I think.

I think you're asking the wrong questions. You shouldn't be asking how to change yourself or your feelings in order to meet his standards, his wants. There are some big "wants" in what he is asking of you, made bigger by the fact that you are uncomfortable with some of it. Even strong, stable relationships, with good communication and where the partners understand and share in each other's feelings, would find some of those things (threesomes, anal, etc) challenging. If you are not talking with him about your apprehensions and concerns, you are setting yourself up for some difficult times. If you are communicating with him and he is not receptive or caring, you're doomed. You guys are definitely not on the same page with things, and I suspect things will only get worse, and there will be resentment - plenty of it - if you continue to appease and accommodate.

I hope that wasn't too harsh, but I truly believe you need to start looking inward, and start asking some hard questions of yourself. And quit defending him. He is only coming off as bad or as good as you are conveying him. Ultimately, he is not responsible for your happiness. You are. If he truly loves you and cares for you, he will make that happiness brighter and greater.

 

[simplegirl]

#1 you cannot MAKE yourself want something you don't. If you're not interested in anal or deep throating, or whatever, then don't do it. I've been with the same guy for 27 years. I don't deep throat. I've never tried, nor do I want to. My partner respects this. Period. IF you're curious, then by all means, experiment, but only if there's a desire to on your part. We make concessions in a relationship, but if you're doing things despite your misgivings, then it's a recipe for disaster.

Bringing up what you said in your venting post...many, many women can't orgasm without a vibe or direct clit stimulation. I'll even venture to say that most can't orgasm with penis in vagina stimulus alone. There have been many threads on the subject. You certainly shouldn't feel deficient because of that, and neither should your partner make you feel that way either.

Harking back to your venting thread. I'm sorry, but if my partner told me he found me unattractive and boring, I'd be out the door (27 years of relationship under our belts or not). Part of the reason I'm with him is because I love him, who he is, his integrity, his personality, etc. If I found him unappealing and boring, then I would not be loving him as he is. I expect the same in return.

It sounds as if he's manipulative and immature. Lashing out at you and making you feel inferior when his ego is bruised.

Not respecting your lack of enthousiasm for his kinks and essentially being told he's going to browbeat /manipulate/pout/withhold sex you until you give in, is a marked lack of respect and venturing into emotionally abusive. This is NOT normal, healthy relationship behavior.

 

[silverwhisper]

belle, on the occasion that you read erotica, what draws your attention? do you have preferred types?

if you don't have one, maybe you should take a look around at erotica and see what gets you hot? cuz time invested in figuring out who you are as a sexual being is important time. your partner's a bit older so he's had that experience already. you haven't, and that's a little unfair to you, IMO.

ed

 

[Belle_Nuit]

belle, on the occasion that you read erotica, what draws your attention? do you have preferred types?

if you don't have one, maybe you should take a look around at erotica and see what gets you hot? cuz time invested in figuring out who you are as a sexual being is important time. your partner's a bit older so he's had that experience already. you haven't, and that's a little unfair to you, IMO.

ed

I get turned on by reading erotica about non-consent, group sex, and giving oral. That's why I feel conflicted. I get turned on when he tells me he's going to "corrupt me" or when he says he wants to do things that I don't want to do (like anal). But I also like to have complete control, I think that's why I like the non-consent erotica, its freeing somehow.

So I just feel messed up. I don't know what I want. That's why I say I like the idea of a threesome, but it terrifies me. I want complete control, but I get aroused by giving up that control.

 

[fire_breeze]

I get turned on by reading erotica about non-consent, group sex, and giving oral. That's why I feel conflicted. I get turned on when he tells me he's going to "corrupt me" or when he says he wants to do things that I don't want to do (like anal). But I also like to have complete control, I think that's why I like the non-consent erotica, its freeing somehow.

So I just feel messed up. I don't know what I want. That's why I say I like the idea of a threesome, but it terrifies me. I want complete control, but I get aroused by giving up that control.

Fantasy is not the same as real life. I have some very dark fantasy that would get me riled up if my all would (hypothetically) suggested it, but I would still feel very conflicted. It doesn't mean that we don't mention it occasionally or play around with it, but it's a far far cry of an actual suggestion.

Additionally, as it was mentioned before, you need to have a solid relationship before you introduce kink. Period. If you cannot tell him what you need, and he cannot listen and not judge in normal circumstances, how can you communicate when your wellbeing and life is at stake?

You are conflicted. You really don't know what you want. You need to, for the sake of your well-being and sanity, take a huge step back and think and figure YOU out. As Emerson mentioned, you say a lot of 'him' but what do YOU want? I have a feeling that at this point, you aren't sure who you are and what you want out of your life, the relationship/relationships in general and from yourself.

Go away for at least a week. Take a vacation without him. I am not suggesting to dump him, but this is not trying out caviar. This can seriously damage you if you are not 100% sure. In cases like these, it's better to be extremely cautious then to jump into something and then drown.

Good luck

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

You've been given some exceptional advice in this thread and your other. The only thing I would add is, you need to really think about what turns you on. Is it the idea if being controlled or do you really believe you could relinquish all control to someone else. You really need to be able to differentiate between the two, until you can difinatively answer one way or the other, you shouldn't DO anything.

The personal example I can give you is wife sharing. The thought really excites me, but if I think about it actually happening I know I could never do it. So it's the idea of it not the reality.

You need to be sure before you act.

 

[Belle_Nuit]

I have been given some very thoughtful advice on both this thread and the other. I'm thankful for it, and I will put some effort into thinking things through. Even just writing about it here has helped.

 

[Jenny_4]

Many of you may have read my "need to vent" thread. I posted that thread right after a fight, and I was very angry at the time... literally, I just needed to vent.

This thread is kind of in addition to that thread.

Turns out my partner DOES have a sex drive. He's kinky, and I'm not sure if I am or not. He decided he would "behave" which translated into us having sex once a month, which is definitely not what I want. Since our fight we've had sex every day since.

1. He wants to have a threesome (doesn't matter if its a man or a woman, he suggested oral only)

2/ He wants to have anal sex (and is willing to work up slowly, I also have a strap on, and he said I don't have to "take" anything that he can't) --- I think I have higher pelvic tone which may make this more difficult for me

3. He wants to practice deep throating - Does anyone know if this damages the throat's anatomy? I don't want to have trouble swallowing when I'm old.

I don't really want to do any of those things, but I'm willing to entertain the thought of them. I'm willing to try anal/deep throating to see if it will work (although I really doubt it will). I'm not opposed to a oral only threesome.

The thing is, I've been with him since I was 18 (I'm 25 now, he's 29). He's the only person I've had sex with. I still don't really know what I like in bed, and what I don't. The idea of all of these things sounds fun, and I wish I was the type of person who could just DO IT, and not feel guilty about it. I feel very insecure about a lot of sex related things, which I think contributes to my hesitation.

How do you get over it (insecurity that is)? How do you decide what's right for you? I've been thinking these things over for many years and still don't seem to have an answer. Do you figure it out by trying it out?

The more I hear about your husband the more I dislike him. Do you want to do a threesome?

 

[pete]

Many of you may have read my "need to vent" thread. I posted that thread right after a fight, and I was very angry at the time... literally, I just needed to vent.

This thread is kind of in addition to that thread.

Turns out my partner DOES have a sex drive. He's kinky, and I'm not sure if I am or not. He decided he would "behave" which translated into us having sex once a month, which is definitely not what I want. Since our fight we've had sex every day since.

1. He wants to have a threesome (doesn't matter if its a man or a woman, he suggested oral only)

2/ He wants to have anal sex (and is willing to work up slowly, I also have a strap on, and he said I don't have to "take" anything that he can't) --- I think I have higher pelvic tone which may make this more difficult for me

3. He wants to practice deep throating - Does anyone know if this damages the throat's anatomy? I don't want to have trouble swallowing when I'm old.

I don't really want to do any of those things, but I'm willing to entertain the thought of them. I'm willing to try anal/deep throating to see if it will work (although I really doubt it will). I'm not opposed to a oral only threesome.

The thing is, I've been with him since I was 18 (I'm 25 now, he's 29). He's the only person I've had sex with. I still don't really know what I like in bed, and what I don't. The idea of all of these things sounds fun, and I wish I was the type of person who could just DO IT, and not feel guilty about it. I feel very insecure about a lot of sex related things, which I think contributes to my hesitation.

How do you get over it (insecurity that is)? How do you decide what's right for you? I've been thinking these things over for many years and still don't seem to have an answer. Do you figure it out by trying it out?

so, you're not very sexually experienced and aren't sure what you like, but you have a sttap-on?

not to sound skeptical, but my brain finds a loose thread and can't help pulling it...
if you're unsure about doing something, your only choices are either to slowly work up to it or not try it at all.
if your man is patient and loves you, it'll work out.

 

[Belle_Nuit]

so, you're not very sexually experienced and aren't sure what you like, but you have a sttap-on?

not to sound skeptical, but my brain finds a loose thread and can't help pulling it...
if you're unsure about doing something, your only choices are either to slowly work up to it or not try it at all.
if your man is patient and loves you, it'll work out.

Ya, the strap on was a fantasy of mine a few years ago. Also around that time I started talking about wanting to swap (since I've only been with one person). He didn't like the idea at first, but it really began to grow on him. We tried to find a couple, but I was absolutely disgusted by the couple we found, so nothing happened. After that I decided it wasn't for me, but he still wants to try it. I'd be more open to a 3some since it would include your partner in the act (which I think is an important part of sex).

So I'm confused about what I desire (because it scares me), and I'm quick to play the victim and act the innocent (seems to alleviate the guilt). I feel guilty for my desires, which I think is a big part of the problem.

 

[pete]

Ya, the strap on was a fantasy of mine a few years ago. Also around that time I started talking about wanting to swap (since I've only been with one person). He didn't like the idea at first, but it really began to grow on him. We tried to find a couple, but I was absolutely disgusted by the couple we found, so nothing happened. After that I decided it wasn't for me, but he still wants to try it. I'd be more open to a 3some since it would include your partner in the act (which I think is an important part of sex).

So I'm confused about what I desire (because it scares me), and I'm quick to play the victim and act the innocent (seems to alleviate the guilt). I feel guilty for my desires, which I think is a big part of the problem.

what are your desires that scare you? sorry if you already mentioned them, i didn't see

 

[Belle_Nuit]

Fantasy is not the same as real life. I have some very dark fantasy that would get me riled up if my all would (hypothetically) suggested it, but I would still feel very conflicted. It doesn't mean that we don't mention it occasionally or play around with it, but it's a far far cry of an actual suggestion.

Additionally, as it was mentioned before, you need to have a solid relationship before you introduce kink. Period. If you cannot tell him what you need, and he cannot listen and not judge in normal circumstances, how can you communicate when your wellbeing and life is at stake?

You are conflicted. You really don't know what you want. You need to, for the sake of your well-being and sanity, take a huge step back and think and figure YOU out. As Emerson mentioned, you say a lot of 'him' but what do YOU want? I have a feeling that at this point, you aren't sure who you are and what you want out of your life, the relationship/relationships in general and from yourself.

Go away for at least a week. Take a vacation without him. I am not suggesting to dump him, but this is not trying out caviar. This can seriously damage you if you are not 100% sure. In cases like these, it's better to be extremely cautious then to jump into something and then drown.

Good luck

I think this is fair.

Thank you

 

[southerncharm77]

First off if he truly cared about you then a no would be a no.

If you feel uncomfortable with what he is suggesting then you should never feel guilty about anything.

A relationship is about both of you and both are important including their feelings.

If you choose to do something only do it because you want. Not because someone else wants it.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

bearcats

Insecurities are bearcats and buggers for certain. Is there a chance you were taught to distrust yourself in childhood? (Everyone can now say "DUHHHHHH")
Can you learn that your brain works about as well as the ones in the heads of most folks who inhabit the earth? That everyone has problems, makes mistakes and does goofy, unproductive things? That we all, for the most part, recover from those errors and get on with life?
You also might think about whether those folks in your life are comfortable with you in your insecurities, would be very, very threatened were you to learn that you are whole, healthy and fit for life. Folks who have insecure ones in their life will want to keep them insecure.
Have you thought about some help in the form of therapy? There IS another life out there that you can achieve. It will require work and time but it might well be worth it to know what it is, for instance, that turns you on.

 

[Belle_Nuit]

Ya therapy might be a good idea. I don't know what my benefits cover but may be worth looking into

 

[bill4672]

Guilt

You might want to explore why you feel guilt. There may be something deeper going on. What kinds of things do you dream about?

 

[Belle_Nuit]

You might want to explore why you feel guilt. There may be something deeper going on. What kinds of things do you dream about?

I don't usually remember my dreams. The last few have been about how I would rescue my cats in the zombie apocalypse. I've likely been watching too much walking dead.

I know why I feel guilty. I was brought up with strong religious influences. I now identify as agnostic. Guilt is really just anger turned inwards. My parents weren't religious, but my extended family was VERY catholic. I went to catholic school, I went to bible camp, etc etc. Instead of girl guides I was in brownies and memorized bible versus every friday night, while my parents went out and got bombed. I developed this strong belief in God, and became convinced that my parents were going to hell (as a child). I decided masturbation was wrong, sex before marriage was wrong, etc etc. I didn't even know about basic female anatomy until I was 18. FML

So it's no wonder I'm so angry. It's no wonder I feel so insecure about sexuality. My partner tells me to "get over it." That just makes me want to scream. I love him but he lacks tact.

 

[Belle_Nuit]

Bringing up what you said in your venting post...many, many women can't orgasm without a vibe or direct clit stimulation. I'll even venture to say that most can't orgasm with penis in vagina stimulus alone. There have been many threads on the subject. You certainly shouldn't feel deficient because of that, and neither should your partner make you feel that way either.

Thank you. I keep telling myself this. It's easy to feel deficient. I don't really care that I can't orgasm from intercourse. I wish that I could with fingers, or with oral. The vibe is the only thing that does it. I know it hurts his ego. Its frustrating for me as well.

 

[CarnalGerund]

I don't usually remember my dreams. The last few have been about how I would rescue my cats in the zombie apocalypse. I've likely been watching too much walking dead.

I know why I feel guilty. I was brought up with strong religious influences. I now identify as agnostic. Guilt is really just anger turned inwards. My parents weren't religious, but my extended family was VERY catholic. I went to catholic school, I went to bible camp, etc etc. Instead of girl guides I was in brownies and memorized bible versus every friday night, while my parents went out and got bombed. I developed this strong belief in God, and became convinced that my parents were going to hell (as a child). I decided masturbation was wrong, sex before marriage was wrong, etc etc. I didn't even know about basic female anatomy until I was 18. FML

So it's no wonder I'm so angry. It's no wonder I feel so insecure about sexuality. My partner tells me to "get over it." That just makes me want to scream. I love him but he lacks tact.

Let me deal with the simplest part first. Your cats would likely be fine in a zombie apocalypse. They're fare better equipped to deal with one than we are.

As far as the guilt ... that's a much more difficult question. Do you still hold those strong beliefs? That is to say, are you trying to reconcile sexual desire with them? Or have you moved away from those beliefs? If that's the case, the sexual guilt is the toughest to deal with because it's often buried deep.

One positive, you're developing the language to talk about it. That's a good sign.

 

[Belle_Nuit]

Let me deal with the simplest part first. Your cats would likely be fine in a zombie apocalypse. They're fare better equipped to deal with one than we are.

As far as the guilt ... that's a much more difficult question. Do you still hold those strong beliefs? That is to say, are you trying to reconcile sexual desire with them? Or have you moved away from those beliefs? If that's the case, the sexual guilt is the toughest to deal with because it's often buried deep.

One positive, you're developing the language to talk about it. That's a good sign.

I don't have those strong beliefs any longer. But I continue to have this niggling thought that sex should be between two people and anything more is wrong. Which I know isn't a popular way of thinking about it these days. The thought irritates me actually. Because it makes me "stuck." It keeps me in my safe/comfort zone.