New to BDSM practice and stuck in a difficult situation

[dodgette]

Since being around 14 (now 23) I spent a lot of time on Literotica reading BDSM stories and Non-Consent-Reluctance. I brought it up with my current partner that I'd like to be dominated, although I didn't realise how much I wanted, and he brought in some choking, spanking, hair pulling etc but he's very careful with everything. Until recently I didn't know I wanted a D/s relationship even outside of sex and he's not the type.
recently an ex boyfriend of mine (we were together very young and naive) came back to my city and after hanging out as friends for a while, after only a few days he told me that he was a Dom, at the time i didn't say anything about my being a sub but he soon figured it out and got more and more controlling. To a point where when people were there he would bank anything I did that he didn't like and punish me for it in private. Until then it wasn't sexual but since has become so and now I'm not sure I can go back to the vanilla kink I had. He scares me to a point I'm comfortable with and has been training me (as much as I have been testing him) I am now torn between a loving monogamous relationship and a dom who fulfills my needs more than I thought even I wanted

has anyone been in a similar situation and can help, also any tips as I am still very much a beginner

 

[Stella_Omega]

Neither of these guys might be the right guy for you. I would be the very last to tell you you you are too young to know what you want-- likeyou,I knew at a very very young age. But I would suggest that you 'date' around some before you settle on a forever mate. Alternately, be aware that being submissive doesn't preclude leaving a dom if you need to.

 

[dodgette]

Neither of these guys might be the right guy for you. I would be the very last to tell you you you are too young to know what you want-- likeyou,I knew at a very very young age. But I would suggest that you 'date' around some before you settle on a forever mate. Alternately, be aware that being submissive doesn't preclude leaving a dom if you need to.

Maybe you're right, I guess you don't need to settle on the first person that comes along. Also I aappreciate that you understand I'm not too young to know what I want, I was somewhat expecting the opposite reply!

 

[sprincess1990]

I went through the same thing...

Since being around 14 (now 23) I spent a lot of time on Literotica reading BDSM stories and Non-Consent-Reluctance. I brought it up with my current partner that I'd like to be dominated, although I didn't realise how much I wanted, and he brought in some choking, spanking, hair pulling etc but he's very careful with everything. Until recently I didn't know I wanted a D/s relationship even outside of sex and he's not the type.
recently an ex boyfriend of mine (we were together very young and naive) came back to my city and after hanging out as friends for a while, after only a few days he told me that he was a Dom, at the time i didn't say anything about my being a sub but he soon figured it out and got more and more controlling. To a point where when people were there he would bank anything I did that he didn't like and punish me for it in private. Until then it wasn't sexual but since has become so and now I'm not sure I can go back to the vanilla kink I had. He scares me to a point I'm comfortable with and has been training me (as much as I have been testing him) I am now torn between a loving monogamous relationship and a dom who fulfills my needs more than I thought even I wanted

has anyone been in a similar situation and can help, also any tips as I am still very much a beginner

Hey Dodgette,
I was/am in a very similar boat to you. I knew I was submissive from probably about 13/14 ish.
I'm now 24, and in a vanilla marriage, which I wouldn't change for the world.
My advise isn't to ignore the sub in you, it's just not to choose between vanilla and BDSM. Choose between people. I love my husband more than anything in the world. I just knew he was the right guy for me. The fact the he isn't as kinky as I am, fundamently doesn't matter to me, because we have such a connection that the vanilla sex we have is incredible.

If you're doubting either guy, keep searching. The right one will come along, and when he does, if he needs you to submit you'll drop to your knees, and if he doesn't, you'll still be quivering when he makes you cum...

Princess xxx

 

[desertslave]

Just a gentle mention that a loving, D/s-based, monogamous relationship isn't fictional either.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Just a gentle mention that a loving, D/s-based, monogamous relationship isn't fictional either.

This, and that there will probably be more than one good fit out there.

 

[dodgette]

Hey Dodgette,
I was/am in a very similar boat to you. I knew I was submissive from probably about 13/14 ish.
I'm now 24, and in a vanilla marriage, which I wouldn't change for the world.
My advise isn't to ignore the sub in you, it's just not to choose between vanilla and BDSM. Choose between people. I love my husband more than anything in the world. I just knew he was the right guy for me. The fact the he isn't as kinky as I am, fundamently doesn't matter to me, because we have such a connection that the vanilla sex we have is incredible.

If you're doubting either guy, keep searching. The right one will come along, and when he does, if he needs you to submit you'll drop to your knees, and if he doesn't, you'll still be quivering when he makes you cum...

Princess xxx

You're right, he is a great boyfriend and so I know I would never leave him for this. Although if I choose to tell him about what happened that may be out of my hands. So far I have decided he doesn't need to know.

I think he does have some dom in him as I mentioned and up until my ex came along it was enough, which makes this more frustrating! I suppose I could try and explain it to him because I don't think he knows fully what I want. Then we'll see where I get, he may surprise me. He does have a short temper which usually makes him walk off.. maybe he can find another outlet for it...

Thanks for your reply

 

[lani_25]

With respect to both men you mention, it sounds like you might have got yourself into a bit of a pickle! I was in a really similar situation last year.

My partner at the time knew I wanted to be dominated, but he'd been brought up in a very conservative family and the idea of hurting me was abhorrent to him, even though he knew I loved it!

I managed to get him to do a little light play, but then I met a fully-fledged Dominant with his own collection of floggers and ropes. There were no hearts and flowers between us, just whips and chains. But it still felt a bit like I was cheating on my boyfriend every time I went to see the Dom.

In the end, I came clean to my partner - it took him some time (we ended up breaking up before getting back together), but he managed to get his head around the fact that I needed something a bit more than vanilla to be happy with my sex life. The reason why I chose the monogamous relationship over the crazy kink was that in the long-run, my boyfriend had always been there for me. Quite honestly, I liked his cuddles more.

Hope that helps and best of luck with your dilemma!

 

[sprincess1990]

With respect to both men you mention, it sounds like you might have got yourself into a bit of a pickle! I was in a really similar situation last year.

My partner at the time knew I wanted to be dominated, but he'd been brought up in a very conservative family and the idea of hurting me was abhorrent to him, even though he knew I loved it!

I managed to get him to do a little light play, but then I met a fully-fledged Dominant with his own collection of floggers and ropes. There were no hearts and flowers between us, just whips and chains. But it still felt a bit like I was cheating on my boyfriend every time I went to see the Dom.

In the end, I came clean to my partner - it took him some time (we ended up breaking up before getting back together), but he managed to get his head around the fact that I needed something a bit more than vanilla to be happy with my sex life. The reason why I chose the monogamous relationship over the crazy kink was that in the long-run, my boyfriend had always been there for me. Quite honestly, I liked his cuddles more.

Hope that helps and best of luck with your dilemma!

^ Cuddles are the best...

 

[dodgette]

With respect to both men you mention, it sounds like you might have got yourself into a bit of a pickle! I was in a really similar situation last year.

My partner at the time knew I wanted to be dominated, but he'd been brought up in a very conservative family and the idea of hurting me was abhorrent to him, even though he knew I loved it!

I managed to get him to do a little light play, but then I met a fully-fledged Dominant with his own collection of floggers and ropes. There were no hearts and flowers between us, just whips and chains. But it still felt a bit like I was cheating on my boyfriend every time I went to see the Dom.

In the end, I came clean to my partner - it took him some time (we ended up breaking up before getting back together), but he managed to get his head around the fact that I needed something a bit more than vanilla to be happy with my sex life. The reason why I chose the monogamous relationship over the crazy kink was that in the long-run, my boyfriend had always been there for me. Quite honestly, I liked his cuddles more.

Hope that helps and best of luck with your dilemma!

Thanks it does help I do like his cuddles! I think I would be a bit lost in a fully D/s relationship, because I am a pretty emotional person and I would soon miss the affection

 

[Netzach]

He does have a short temper which usually makes him walk off.. maybe he can find another outlet for it...

Thanks for your reply

This is a red flag for me but not for the reasons you might assume. I'm Dominant and I'm thinking to myself "this isn't how this works." It tells me you have a clear idea about how this works in your script and for your needs, but you have no idea if it's how he works, and you really don't seem to care as long as you get the feeling you get from a more sexually exciting prospect who matches up with your fantasies. (Which is fine with me, just be honest about it with yourself now and save yourself the headache. You'll miss that edgy thrill more than you think in 5 years, sorry, but you will. Yes, sex isn't everything and people stop having tons of it, but the shared memory of amazing sex/sexual expression is an important adhesive to relationships.)

When my partner is making me pissed, guess what - I walk off, cool down, and handle that anger by dis engaging. It's not even "if I spank them now I might hurt them or go over the edge" but "fucker does not deserve my blood pressure like this right now."

Rather than channeling or funneling frustration into Dominance I need to feel un-frustrated to simply be normal, comfortable, and in charge of anything. I get a LOT of invites to "take my frustrations out on" various men, and inevitably that's always about them and not me and liable to make me completely withdraw from the person inviting. I'll choose my own catharsis of the day thanks, and if it involves your ass cheeks, then you're in luck.

 

[dodgette]

This is a red flag for me but not for the reasons you might assume. I'm Dominant and I'm thinking to myself "this isn't how this works." It tells me you have a clear idea about how this works in your script and for your needs, but you have no idea if it's how he works, and you really don't seem to care as long as you get the feeling you get from a more sexually exciting prospect who matches up with your fantasies. (Which is fine with me, just be honest about it with yourself now and save yourself the headache. You'll miss that edgy thrill more than you think in 5 years, sorry, but you will. Yes, sex isn't everything and people stop having tons of it, but the shared memory of amazing sex/sexual expression is an important adhesive to relationships.)

When my partner is making me pissed, guess what - I walk off, cool down, and handle that anger by dis engaging. It's not even "if I spank them now I might hurt them or go over the edge" but "fucker does not deserve my blood pressure like this right now."

Rather than channeling or funneling frustration into Dominance I need to feel un-frustrated to simply be normal, comfortable, and in charge of anything. I get a LOT of invites to "take my frustrations out on" various men, and inevitably that's always about them and not me and liable to make me completely withdraw from the person inviting. I'll choose my own catharsis of the day thanks, and if it involves your ass cheeks, then you're in luck.

He is very distant he doesn't give much away even in the 3 and a half years we have been together, I think this all happened because I don't understand his feelings for me - or at least he doesn't make them clear.

My ex however, he adores me and is very clear on it, and I think the bdsm thing sort of tipped it over the edge. We did break up the first time because I couldn't handle how strong his feelings were for me

As has been said, maybe neither are right for me.

 

[Antics]

You are thinking and reflecting about it; a good place to be. There are as many types of D/s as there are people. But your reflective attitude suggests you'll work it out. I like what Princess said. I think my girl would say similar things too. I believe being truthful to ourselves, about what we value, is a necessity. Keep safe.