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Feedback for my first

Care to tell people which category it's in or how long before someone commits?
 
Good idea. It's in "Incest", about adult siblings, also with themes of bisexuality. It's two pages.
 
initiate, a very good first effort as the scores and comments show.

You could do with a copy edit as there are quite a few typos of words and a bit of grammar, e.g.' x and I' instead of 'x and me'. Just try saying the sentence without 'x' and the I/me issue is simple.

There is a maxim for storytelling which is 'show not tell'. With the first person POV you lose the concept of dialogue. I just thought you could keep the first person but have her talking to her girlfriend and brother more to give more pace to the story.

A more subtle point is that you don't identify clearly how the two antags cope with the changing currents. Again, dialogue might help.

Enough downside, this is a pretty good story and from a newbie - impressive.

Looking for your next one.
 
WOW! Another corn flakes generic story.

Its good that LIT isn't a cooking site as every submission would be about how to boil water.
 
lloyd_5 said:
initiate, a very good first effort as the scores and comments show.

You could do with a copy edit as there are quite a few typos of words and a bit of grammar, e.g.' x and I' instead of 'x and me'. Just try saying the sentence without 'x' and the I/me issue is simple.

There is a maxim for storytelling which is 'show not tell'. With the first person POV you lose the concept of dialogue. I just thought you could keep the first person but have her talking to her girlfriend and brother more to give more pace to the story . . .
Click to expand...

This, and there are a few too many adverbs. Apart from that you have a good style. Keep at it.

For your next story ask yourself: is there are a story if the sex was removed? You do, but often I feel you don't. I think it is because you are not managing the conflict of the story. You know characters need some resistance to their goals, but you only attempt it at times for the main character.

- When she discovers her girlfriend fucking her brother the action is all go go go despite any her thoughts. Any shred of resistance ends at the last mention of it. It made me wonder why she doesn't "get more action" from her brother.

- The initial encounter with her girlfriend was not a short taster. It could have been a "quickie" but it was deliberately rolled into more sex. It made the whole scene feel like it was forcing sex as an introduction. Without wider context, i.e. conflict and character building, the scene loses power and meaning. Any other day I could have closed the story because I was expecting a basic fuck story.

- This is ignoring that the girlfriend has spontaneous sex with the brother. I suppose you can get away ignoring that. But if you a fleshed out story you don't need to do much (this is only a simple example):
Girl A:"I think your brother is hot. Why don't we get a look-a-like for our next threesome."
Girl B:"I don't think that is a good idea."
And the conflict is on.

You lay the groundwork for interesting conflicts, but then you solve it in an instant between paragraphs, or skip a paragraph or two of explanation.
 
Thanks everyone, some really useful feedback there. Especially about providing more of how the characters feel, and more conflict/realistic development. Too many adverbs is an interesting one, I'll definitely keep an eye on that.
 
JAMESBJOHNSON said:
WOW! Another corn flakes generic story.

Its good that LIT isn't a cooking site as every submission would be about how to boil water.
Click to expand...

I thought it was an interesting criticism- I definitely agree that there's nothing "new" in my story in terms of content. But then attempts to bring something shocking, new and strange, can often just appear as a gimmick, or implausible. I think how the story is written is more important, personally."There are no new stories".
 
Initiate_me said:
I thought it was an interesting criticism- I definitely agree that there's nothing "new" in my story in terms of content. But then attempts to bring something shocking, new and strange, can often just appear as a gimmick, or implausible. I think how the story is written is more important, personally."There are no new stories".
Click to expand...

No, you are wrong & wrong.

Go find me another lesbian couple story with an uninvited brother. Did you manage that? Wow. Ok, now try and match the circumstances of your story too. No you can't.

The problem JAMESBJOHNSON has identified without explaining is that of conflict. Let me demonstrate by asking you which story you find to be more interesting:
- Girl is a lesbian. Girl sees her lesbian partner have sex with another man. Girl joins partner for sex orgy. MFF Threesome Pornography 101.
- Girl is ashamed of her lesbianism. Girl sees her lesbian partner cheating on her with her brother. Girl is angry and yet also jealous. Girl wants to explore her desires for men in the safety of her loving brother. Lesbian partner encourage, observes and assists the taboo lovers.

Another part of the problem is that you are failing to give the reader enough meaningful foreplay - it is why your story feels more like porn101 than eroticism.

I just commented not long ago on another story that didn't get any conflict going so I will copy&paste&add-a-bit to my comments here. I'm sorry but your story didn't give the reader adequate answers.

Checklist for your next story:

- Do your characters have goals (and personalities for that matter) - love, happiness, acceptance, avoiding harm, greed, . . .

- What happens if they characters fail to get what they want?

- What is stopping your characters from attaining their goals

- Can this conflict be resolved if they talk to each other?

- Is there a time pressure or other need which means the conflicts must be resolved?

- What happens to compel the character to want to change and resolve the conflict?

- Does the conflict force the characters into action?

- What does the conflict make the characters learn about themselves?

- Is there any internal conflict?


Please start again with your MFF. When done right it could be wickedly hot :)
 
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