Feedback Please

[LOAnnie2]

Backstory: So when I first started writing erotica, I started a series, intending five chapters, but got through 2 (with a gap in there as I took a break from erotica writing). I tried constantly to write the third chapter, but every time I even got it finished, I deleted it because it didn't live up to what I thought it should be. This happened around ten times I'm sad to say.

However, I got the idea earlier this year that perhaps I could get over the writers block I have by rewriting the first chapter. It worked, and of course to make everything work I had to rewrite chapter 2. As I start work on chapter 3, I would love some feedback that's based on the new versions of the stories!

Keeping on the Team (Non-consent/reluctance). Blackmail/coercion type story.

Chapter 1:
http://www.literotica.com/s/keeping-on-the-team-ch-01

Chapter 2:
http://www.literotica.com/s/keeping-on-the-team-ch-02


Feel free to leave it here, on the stories, or sent via email through the story. Thanks!

Love Annie

P.S. I know it seems silly to ask, but if the story isn't your style (i.e. don't like stuff in the category) please just leave things alone. Thanks!

 

[AZMotherLover]

Okay, I'm reading chapter one, and I have a question. First let me say that I'm a novice author myself, and I have no formal education in English literature. I'm only vaguely aware of the different narrative styles and what they exactly entail. That said, I'm thinking this was written in “first person view” and “past tense”.

The past tense is where my question comes up. In the following passage:

The rhythm of the treadmill allowed me to glance over to the athletic office. I could see the train wreck coming from here, knowing that my track coach is in there getting a stern talking to all because of me. If only my prayers that the storm would pass in time for practice were answered, then I wouldn't have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

The first sentence feels like past tense, but the phrase “my track coach is in there” in the second sentence feels like present tense.

A little later there's this sentence:

Looking around I see many of my teammates heading to the office

Again, that looks to me like present tense.

I'm not trying to pick on your story, I'm just wondering if there's a narrative style that allows for present and past tense in the same story.

 

[FelHarper]

This commentary is about the first part only.

The story had a pretty good flow and progression, and you mostly did a good job of setting and describing the scene. Your main character's voice and personality came across well in the first-person voice. Other than the issue with tense I mention below, your prose was clean, well-structured, and error-free.

Now, for the criticism. I think that the beginning was a bit weak. I see a lot of exposition, telling rather than describing. When the character goes in to talk to the coach, I wanted dialogue to get a sense of who the coach was, but most of it was sparse and one-sided. Again, it's the problem of telling rather than showing. For example, when you say, "he was clearly shaken by the question", it would be much more effective to describe his reaction. If you do it effectively, your reader will get a sense of what you mean without you having to actually say it.

I did notice what the commenter above saw, where there is a shift from past tense to present tense. It happened a few times in the first few thousand words, but then I didn't see it crop up again in the rest of the story. Sometimes you will use the present tense of verbs when writing in past tense, but it should only occur within dialogue or when talking about events external to the story that are actually in the reader's present.

I felt like you could have written a much more engrossing story if you had gone deeper into the major themes of the genre, such as loss of control. We know that the character doesn't really want to do these things, but when she does, she does them with a sense of resignation. I think what you need is a moment when she decides, okay, stop, I'm in way over my head and I want out NOW! At that point, you reveal that she can't back out, that the cost is too high, and now you have her rational mind at war with visceral fear. Do that before we come to the foreshadowing of anal sex. That revelation should simply deepen the emotion.

For greatest effectiveness, try to make your readers feel a little conflicted about whether or not they want to see your character go through this. To do that, you need to make her more sympathetic. She has some funny moments of introspection, which helps, but she could use more character beyond "somewhat slutty, athletic girl". Figure out what she cares about, give her an odd quirk or two and then come up with an explanation for them.

I hope that is some help to you. You're already better than most, but work on some elements of your craft and you'll really start to pull people in.

 

[LOAnnie2]

Thank you both of you, this is the kind of feedback I was looking for.

FelHarper, I would love it if you also commented on the second part, I found your comments particularly insightful

 

[LWulf]

I noted two things right away in chapter 1.

The first is a continuity error. She is an anal virgin, and wasn't expecting to have the coach to demand anal of her, then why did she go to the bathroom several times previous to arriving???

"it was only now that I hoped that my multiple trips to the bathroom before arriving did their job."

The second is a simple error. You meant "existed" and instead put "exited."

the pain I was still feeling in places I didn't know exited

I always scroll down first to see how many pages are there. I enjoyed that is was three.

As far as the story itself, it was a bit slow at the beginning. I scrolled up after the first two paragraphs to see what category it was, if I was going to enjoy reading it or not. Non-consent isn't my ultimate favorite, but there have been some exceptions, so I pressed on.

I started enjoying the story when you started talking about her feelings of dread for the dressing down she was going to get. From there on, it was pretty smooth sailing (I glossed over the blowjob/face-fucking as I'm not inclined towards that). In hindsight, I think I was actually expecting to read some dressing down which you either glossed over or jumped straight into Lacey's pleading to be left on the team.
It wasn't that she dreaded being dressed down, but that you gave her feelings that made me started to like it.

Either you should play down the expected dressing down, or at least put some indication of such. It seemed the coach was more meek in this regard. If he really cared about his players and if he ultimately wanted what's best for her, he should have showed some backbone.

The story ultimately did it's job for me; it made me want to read/continue to the next chapter to see what more happens.

I liked that you used a lot of references that don't normally get used. Instead of the coach having a satisfyingly thick and long cock, it was a thin and barely satisfying yet long cock. Lacey's bush wasn't shaved for the coach, but her boyfriend who dumped her anyway. These were the interesting things for me. Great little details.

I'll see if I can read the second chapter tomorrow...

 

[LOAnnie2]

I noted two things right away in chapter 1.

The first is a continuity error. She is an anal virgin, and wasn't expecting to have the coach to demand anal of her, then why did she go to the bathroom several times previous to arriving???

In my mind it was more nervousness/coincidence--but I can see your point.

The second is a simple error. You meant "existed" and instead put "exited."

I'll make note of that to fix it next time I revise it for little things.

I always scroll down first to see how many pages are there. I enjoyed that is was three.

As far as the story itself, it was a bit slow at the beginning. I scrolled up after the first two paragraphs to see what category it was, if I was going to enjoy reading it or not. Non-consent isn't my ultimate favorite, but there have been some exceptions, so I pressed on.

I started enjoying the story when you started talking about her feelings of dread for the dressing down she was going to get. From there on, it was pretty smooth sailing (I glossed over the blowjob/face-fucking as I'm not inclined towards that). In hindsight, I think I was actually expecting to read some dressing down which you either glossed over or jumped straight into Lacey's pleading to be left on the team.

It wasn't that she dreaded being dressed down, but that you gave her feelings that made me started to like it.

Either you should play down the expected dressing down, or at least put some indication of such. It seemed the coach was more meek in this regard. If he really cared about his players and if he ultimately wanted what's best for her, he should have showed some backbone.

I think this chapter added about 3000 words from the original version of the story. I think I left out the dressing down just because of the implication that she'd had it a bunch already. I'll be the first to admit that while I try to include a sense of realism in my stories where I can, that sometimes I can go too much so to the detriment of the story (like leaving something out since in my mind it happened a lot already).

As I plot and work my way through further chapters, I'm still debating whether or not to include more of the coach's backstory. Chapter 3 was originally going to cover a lot of it, but I tried writing it like 10 times and never liked it (hence why there's never been one yet).

The story ultimately did it's job for me; it made me want to read/continue to the next chapter to see what more happens.

Yay! Though just to warn you, and I know it's thrown a few people for a loop before, but don't be shocked when the second chapter goes off on a probably different than expected tangent.

I liked that you used a lot of references that don't normally get used. Instead of the coach having a satisfyingly thick and long cock, it was a thin and barely satisfying yet long cock. Lacey's bush wasn't shaved for the coach, but her boyfriend who dumped her anyway. These were the interesting things for me. Great little details.

I'll see if I can read the second chapter tomorrow...

Thanks. And thanks for sticking through it even though it's not your favorite category. I know there's some categories here that I'm not into, but sometimes will enjoy stories where even those dislikes are incorporated in a creative way. For example, not into incest (non-consentual incest I'm fine with, but something in me just can't get with the loving incest angle), but a great series from one of my favorite authors includes it really well in later chapters in such a way that it's not bad to read. So again, thanks!

 

[LWulf]

In my mind it was more nervousness/coincidence--but I can see your point.

I'll make note of that to fix it next time I revise it for little things.

I think this chapter added about 3000 words from the original version of the story. I think I left out the dressing down just because of the implication that she'd had it a bunch already. I'll be the first to admit that while I try to include a sense of realism in my stories where I can, that sometimes I can go too much so to the detriment of the story (like leaving something out since in my mind it happened a lot already).

As I plot and work my way through further chapters, I'm still debating whether or not to include more of the coach's backstory. Chapter 3 was originally going to cover a lot of it, but I tried writing it like 10 times and never liked it (hence why there's never been one yet).

Yay! Though just to warn you, and I know it's thrown a few people for a loop before, but don't be shocked when the second chapter goes off on a probably different than expected tangent.

Thanks. And thanks for sticking through it even though it's not your favorite category. I know there's some categories here that I'm not into, but sometimes will enjoy stories where even those dislikes are incorporated in a creative way. For example, not into incest (non-consentual incest I'm fine with, but something in me just can't get with the loving incest angle), but a great series from one of my favorite authors includes it really well in later chapters in such a way that it's not bad to read. So again, thanks!

Gods! My grammar used to be so much better and looking at my comment ...Yikes!

Anyways, enough about me. Okay one last "me" thing... I love realism, the more the better, though some pointed out that my attempt at campy slapstick humor of a hot foot (or should I say a hot butt) wasn't very obvious as humor and they wanted to point out in reality, a burning cigar placed twixt the cheeks would result in a serious burn.
oh well. You can make up whatever rules of the universe you want to, but you have to stick to them. That's all I will point out.

You need to express nervousness and coincidence though, you can't just expect the reader to connote something like that. It doesn't have to be lengthy, just a small little blip of detail in the right place. As an anal virgin, I don't think she would think of something like that though (I may be wrong, I'm not a woman and maybe women think of stuff like that all the time).

Didn't expect you to makes changes, just pointing them out though.

Well, you're just going to have to imply a little more. heh

Trust me, I know that feeling of putting in too much or thinking you are. I might be wrong in stating this, but another writer commented to me; in my pursuit of trying to go lighter on the 'appetizers' in order to get to the 'main course,' I went so short on details as to make it seem too light. I think the same could be said to you. You actually did it pretty good in several instances. It doesn't need to be verbose detail, but just enough information in a snippet of detail in the right place.

Well, as long as it isn't too jarring like you change the whole premise of the story, I think I can weather it.

I really have no problem reading something through to the end, it's just a question if I will enjoy it or not, but as I said, I started enjoying your story when you started to give little insights and perceptions of feelings and thoughts.

 

[LOAnnie2]

Well, it's still definitely appreciated!

 

[robertreams]

Too many scattered "its" and "Thats" with no antecedents. You cannot use "it" to rfer to an entire set of ideas.

 

[LWulf]

my views on chapter two

I'm going to fixate on one sentence:

The worst part as I walked to this unknown building was [that - (dropped word I think)] today was our track team's formal picture day, which meant that right after school I was dressed in one of my cutest outfits--black skirt, cute emerald green vest, white long sleeve dress shirt, matching white stockings, black heels, and of course my hair done in twin braids down the back of my head and just a light coating of soft pink lip gloss.​

I think this sentence would work better as:

As I walked to this building, I realized the worst part of today was that I didn't have time to change out of my formal school attire. This was especially required today because it was our track team's picture day. That meant I was dressed in one of my cutest outfits--a black skirt, a white long sleeve dress blouse with a cute emerald green vest, white stockings to match my blouse, black heels. Of course my hair was in twin braids down my back and I had just a light coating of soft pink lip gloss.​

I think I would embellish it with length of skirt (mini, above the knee, full length??), and some further dialog regarding makeup (was lip gloss all that was allowed? did she have more and you just weren't focusing on it?), also; no tie?? Maybe I'm just outside of high school so long I don't remember but, why focus on just lip gloss?

I'd also follow it with something like:

'The perfect schoolgirl costume while going to see some producer who specializes in schoolgirl porn. Can my day get any worse?'​

Though I like adding humorous famous last words, so that's just me.

Also, I'd harp on the use of the term "unknown building." I understand you were trying to truncate "a building Lacey have never been to before," but this just seems a bit unnecessary. You describe her using a map to get there, so it seems obvious Lacey has never been there before.

Bringing in "Ronald" was a little jarring. At first I thought it was Coach Tanner's first name (After I read the story a second time, I understood better).
Okay, here's how I look at it, you sort of challenge the reader to keep up, where you should be either giving a touch more information or at least some highlights that the explanation the story will become clearer on the next page (whatever) and lead the reader through each event as it happens.

In other words, if you had added something like:

When Ronald's name was mentioned, I instinctively blocked that event from my memory of what happened two weeks ago, right after Coach Tanner took my anal virginity​

This way, it gives an alert to the reader that some time has passed and something bad happened immediately after what coach tanner did (in chapter one). It foreshadows and gives more weight to Lacey's humiliation at actually being confronted with having to watch the video of that event, later on in the story.

It identifies who Ronald is (I really thought it was coach tanner's first name and that he moonlighted as a porn star) or who he isn't (coach tanner) without saying who he is. Then the secretary gives more information that Ronald is one of their best porn stars and you give the reader bread crumbs to lead them further into the story. (reader: Aha! Ronald isn't Coach Tanner and is a porn star! Things are clicking together!)

The video sequence also was a little spotty in description in some parts. Mostly regarding the inserted images. The inserted picture-in-picture "first time anal" wasn't too bad but then you jumped outside of the video and tried to describe her thoughts of what actually happened and it sort of didn't track right to me for some reason.
I can't really explain this any better.

There were a couple of dropped words which I wasn't sure if this was a style or if it was just an unintended mistake. I'll have to reread again to mark them.

You foreshadowed future scenes for future chapters rather nicely.

I'm not sure I like the ending. I understand what you did and perhaps why, but it sort of left me feeling a little 'hungry.' Maybe that was your intent. It's used a lot in many story lines but I think you could have carried it a notch further before fading out.

Overall, the story had me lost rather than guided me along the way.

A suggestion would be that chapter two would have written easier if you had written (as lengthy or brief) what happened between chapters one and two, first. This might have made a more solid way for you to then start writing chapter two. Instead, it seems that you tried to start writing chapter two and then went back and tried to write what happened between.
Creatively, while you were writing chapter two, you could go back and take snippets of the "between scene(s)" and inserted them into chapter two.