Meeting someone in an open relationship?

[Ruffian_13]

Hi all, I don't know if this is exactly a "how-to" so much as a "is-this-a-horrible-idea", but I like you people and it seems like most of you give good advice, so here I am.

I have been dabbling in online dating for a while, and I started chatting with this one guy. Then after a few messages he told me he was in an open relationship with his wife (I wouldn't have messaged him if I had known, but at the time his profile didn't state that). I kept messaging with him as I was honestly curious since as far as I know, I don't know anyone in real life who is in an open relationship, so I was asking him some questions about it. We got to chatting just about anything though, and have been messaging and texting for close to 2 months now. I'm not normally like that, I like to meet people and figure out if we click, but this is a different situation.

He is very interested in meeting me (just for coffee or drinks at first), but is not pressuring me at all. I would be interested too, he assured me his wife knows he's been talking to me and is ok with it, but I am just hesitant. Does anyone have any opinions/advice/been-there stories about being with someone in an open relationship? Thanks

 

[LWulf]

Never been in a relationship with another man's woman before, except when it was a threesome. I think it was pretty obvious he knew I was fucking his wife, while she was sucking his dick.

To your situation, I'm hesitant to believing anything on the internet as gospel truth. So, he wants to meet for coffee. Fine. Ask his wife to show up too so you three can make friends so when and if you decide to do the dirty with her old man, you know that she knows. Like I said, I haven't ever been in that situation, but if they are being on the up and up, then something like meeting his wife shouldn't hurt. She might also trade secrets with you letting him know what he's like in bed!

 

[Ruffian_13]

Thanks for your reply. I'm wary of that too - the internet lies! Your idea of having the wife come too is a good one, although I am shy meeting new people, so meeting 2 and knowing the intentions, I don't know if I'd be able to say a word! But that is definitely good food for thought.

 

[LWulf]

Well, excuse me for sounding callous, but you can remain a shy fool and trust what you hear as truth, or you can step up to the plate and swallow the meal you ordered.

If you want to get involved in a possible adulterous situation, you have a responsibility to yourself and the significant other to know that each knows about the other. If you think you'll feel embarrassed at meeting the wife, how does meeting a judge in a court sound? TV? Newspapers? Not sure where you live but in the states, the legal ramifications are still considered anywhere from a Class B misdemeanor to a level 1 felony charge, with penalties varying from $10 to a life sentence.

The flipside also might be he is pretending to be married because a married guy seems to be more "safe" and who knows what will happen when you are alone with him.

Either way, calling his bluff seems better than trusting someone being honest over the internet.

 

[Bramblethorn]

He is very interested in meeting me (just for coffee or drinks at first), but is not pressuring me at all. I would be interested too, he assured me his wife knows he's been talking to me and is ok with it, but I am just hesitant. Does anyone have any opinions/advice/been-there stories about being with someone in an open relationship? Thanks

Been in various forms of polyamory for close to 15 years now. My two cents' worth:

It's quite reasonable to want confirmation that his wife is okay with things. There are plenty of couples who really do have open relationships like this, but there are also people who claim non-existent ORs as a pretext for cheating, and there are people who have an OR agreement but go beyond the boundaries of that agreement.

In my experience, it's always helpful to be on good terms with your partner's partner. No matter how open-minded you are, poly relationships create certain tensions - what happens if you have a date scheduled and then his wife comes home after a rough day and wants time with him? If you two have established respect it's easier to handle those situations and those choices are less likely to cause resentment etc.

That said: not everybody wants to be best buddies. If she only wants to talk on the phone or via email, you'll have to decide whether you're comfortable with that (and whether the person at the other end is who they say they are). She might be okay with confirming the agreement and basic rules but not want to discuss it beyond that.

If that's the case, you need to be a little more careful about setting boundaries/expectations with your partner. In a 'V' relationship it's easy to slip into a dynamic where the person in the middle takes the path of least resistance: e.g. if they have to choose between two different commitments, they'll go with whichever partner would make the most fuss about being stood up, and this just encourages horrible levels of drama. In that situation, I think the best approach is "Here's the level of commitment etc I expect from you, you are responsible for finding ways to reconcile that with your other commitments."

Major things that need to be discussed if the relationship progresses: expectations for safe sex, time management, disclosure. Is it okay to hold his hand or smooch in public? In front of his friends? If not, can you deal with that? I've been in a couple of closeted relationships that had to be concealed from friends, and for me it was quite a strain - I'm not the sort who needs to shout it from the rooftops, but it starts to chafe when you can't give somebody a kiss on the cheek without stopping to check whether anybody's watching.

And in the end you need to decide whether the options available are going to be satisfying for you. I'm glad to be poly, I wouldn't change (despite occasional frustrations) but it's not for everybody. If you decide that you just don't want to be sharing his time and attention, that's your right.

Googling "polyamory" will find a lot of resources and opinions on this. Happy to discuss further if you have specific questions.

 

[amofiga]

I agree with Lwulf. It's easy for anybody to say they're in an open relationship or divorced or anything they want to tell you. If she shows up, then you know all is what you think it is.

If you're too shy to meet her, then maybe such a relationship is not for you. You can take the chance and meet the guy, have sex with the guy, and then find out he's married, really married, says, "Thank you ma'am" and moves on. If that's ok with you, then have at it

 

[littlecordelera]

It's quite reasonable to want confirmation that his wife is okay with things.

True dat. It is common in the swinger community for "singles" (those dating without their partner) to provide telephone confirmation at the minimum. Meeting for drinks with the partner present is probably the most common method of verification - outside of swing clubs.

If she knows, then he will be willing to prove it. Everything else is just talk.

Honestly, based on my experience and reading that you've gone two months with no verification, I think he's full of shit. Verification is usually way up front.

 

[Ruffian_13]

Thank you all for the honest feedback. I'm thinking this situation is not for me - I ultimately am looking for a relationship, and I already have a FWB, so he's really not going to be meeting any of my needs that aren't already met. He told me that he is new to this (relationship hasn't been open very long)... but the more I think of the things he's told me, the more naive I feel and of course it sounds too good to be true because it probably is! *smacks self upside the head*

Bramblethorn, I especially appreciate your insight.

 

[njgirl0863]

Two months of talking. And no confirmation of the "open relationship". Run the other way.....fast. So many people use this line. Then after they have you say....well it isn't exactly an open relationship it is a sexless or liveless relationship. Then comes the but......"insert whatever excuse" why (s)he won't/can't leave their spouse.

 

[Noor]

Some thoughts and questions

Like anything else, someone new to open relationships may not really know what they are doing. I saw, let him experiment on someone else.

Is he open about who he is?
Is he sharing his facebook? Are his wife and relatives on it? Does he have long term friends with whom you can see ongoing offline interactions?

If you want a relationship, is an open one your goal?