help with my first story (Old thread moved)

[peach_19]

Hi guys n girls, I've started my first ever erotic story today and I wanted some constructive criticism. I know there isn't a lot but wanted to know how you guys thought my writing skill was before I got really into it. Never written before so am going to keep it mostly vanilla. Thanks

Sadie was exhausted from the long train journey and all she wanted to do was have a shower. She ran her fingures through her ash brown hair and started to twirl the baby hairs at the back of her neck round her finger. There was a gentle humming to be heard outside the taxi from the London traffic still buzzing at the late hour. Sadie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her shoulders were aching and she felt her head pounding. I need a decent coffee she thought, but there wouldn't be anything open at this time.

The taxi pulled up outside an arch way. 'That will be £24.30 miss' he said in a rich cockney accent. Sadie rummaged around her handbag for her purse. Her handbag seemed as cluttered as her mind at the moment. She paid the man and stepped out into the cobbled path. The thick warm air hit her along with mixed smell of urine and stale water in the alley. Sadie was wearing a floor length leopard print maxi skirt with a vintage creams blouse that showed of her cleavage. Sadie grabbed the handle of her Purple suit case and started to wheel it through the arch behind her.

. . .


NOTE FROM MOD: 10. Please do not post story submissions to the forums. You may post short snippets (less than 3 paragraphs or so) for discussion, but please post your full stories to the story side.

 

[LWulf]

You don't want to post a thread like this is story discussion. Story discussion is for after the story is written. Story ideas is where you post when you are in the process of writing.

In all likelihood, a moderator will move your thread shortly...

One suggestion would be to add a space when you use paragraphs so people can digest it better.

I'll come back to this later...

 

[peach_19]

Thanks I've edited and added a little x

 

[LWulf]

First, I'd run this through spell check. If you don't have a Word program that does that, then most browsers have an instant spell check that would help. It doesn't stop correctly spelled misused words, but that would help some.

Second, if you bring up an element in the story (eg: train ride from...???), unless you have an intention to tie it into a later chapter, then you'll want to describe it fully. It's hanging threads that play on the reader's mind that make a reader become intolerant of further reading. It doesn't have to have separate chapters explaining what each element's purpose is, but a simple brief explanation helps (eg: train ride home from work, train ride for going on her vacation, etc).

Third, you should tell your story from a setting you are most familiar. That said, you also want to take into account what the bulk of your readers are familiar with too. Being most people here are from America, using UK terms, spelling and monetary denominations may confuse or distance some readers. As a writer you want to have what you have written to be read by the most readers, correct? Creatively, you can minimize this issue by simply avoiding to mention currency and other specific landmarks. This is merely a suggestion to consider.
Some people like stories of foreign locations, some don't. :shrug:

Something more to consider, you write a nice visual story. Remember though there are 4 other senses. Also, don't forget to enrich your story with ...perceptions (can't think of the proper word to describe it). What time of year is it? What's the weather like? What time of day is it?
Simply stating that "The summer sun beat down harshly as Sadie stepped off the train." or "A light cold drizzle fell in the evening as Sadie stepped off the train making her want to seek the comfort of a warm shower followed by a brisk toweling off." sets the mood of your character better than a paragraph of internal dialog.
Again, not necessary but just a suggestion.

Another suggestion would be to use one of the volunteer editors in the Editor's forum prior to submitting your work. They can be a rather hardened lot, and pompously expect to know precisely what an editor does and which type of editor you are looking for. You might want to peruse the "sticky" threads (blue colored threads at the top of each section of the forum). Sometimes "stickies" can help out with things you don't know. Sometimes they talk about a whole lot of nothing (or nothing helpful about what you are looking for).

As to style of writing, you might want to note that Laurel (one of the websites Administrators) has set the standard that dialogue should be broken down in paragraphs per character. In other words, don't start a paragraph with one character talking and end it with another, with a whole lot of exposition between. Unless this is one of the professional formats (which I am forgetting off the top of my head at the moment), then it is just good sense to allow the reader to comprehend who is speaking at any one time.

Saying "she quietly called out" isn't wrong, but what if you added something like "she cleared her throat uncertainly then only managed to quietly call out..." Again, you describe the visual well enough, but give insight into what is going on in her head. Don't fall victim to just describing what is on the surface. You might want to choose some words more appropriately. "Glare" sounds harsh or mean spirited, which I don't think you intended.

This is more editorializing than critiquing, as a critique isn't where someone tells you how to fix something, but just comments on where you did well and/or where you might need to work on more.

Also, Laurel sort of frowns on stories being posted to the forum for reviews and critiques. You didn't do that, you just posted a snippet of a story, but I thought I'd point that out in case you thought to do that.

Understand, relatively speaking, few people here are professional writers. I'm a rank amateur myself. Nobody expects a first time story to be perfect. That said, you always want to try to put your best foot forward, and there are a lot of people here who try to help you do that in whatever way they can.

As far as the story itself, it has a nice tempo that you are writing to. It moves well enough where you make the reader want to continue reading.

You might want to consider what theme or "category" you want your story is going to work towards. Not saying you shouldn't involve other categories into the story as well, though some folks are of the opinion that the fewer additional categories, the better.

 

[DarkPleasures]

Story ideas is where you post when you are in the process of writing.

Actually, that's not true. Story Ideas is for IDEAS. People brainstorm together and develop their ideas for new stories to be posted at Lit. Sometimes people completely request a story they'd love to read, though more often than not authors don't "custom write" for them.

"Writing a story bit by bit", especially if seeking feedback, is the opposite of what Story Ideas is for and the mod would move such a thread.

In fact, Online Role Play and Sexual Role Play are the only two boards on Lit where people "are allowed to" write stories; with the exception of the little challenges in the Challenge sub-board.

 

[LWulf]

Actually, that's not true. Story Ideas is for ideas. People brainstorm together and develop their ideas for new stories to be posted at Lit. Sometimes people completely request a story they'd love to read, though more often than not authors don't "custom write" for them.

"Writing a story bit by bit", especially if seeking feedback, is the opposite of what Story Ideas is for and the mod would move such a thread.

In fact, Online Role Play and Sexual Role Play are the only two boards on Lit where people "are allowed to" write stories; with the exception of the little challenges in the Challenge sub-board.

So... this isn't an idea for a story that someone needs help with developing?

Okay, I'll defer to someone more knowledgeable, but this won't be the first time that literotica didn't make sense to me.

 

[Nerd159]

Hi guys n girls, I've started my first ever erotic story today and I wanted some constructive criticism. I know there isn't a lot but wanted to know how you guys thought my writing skill was before I got really into it. Never written before so am going to keep it mostly vanilla. Thanks

I think you have a good grasp on pacing and move the story along well. However, I agree that you need an editor. There are some things that spellcheck programs have a hard time catching, such as the difference between 'straight' and 'strait.'

Secondly, I think you should put some time into developing the chemistry and motivation of your heroine beyond physical attraction. In my experience (18+ years of marriage), a exhausted woman who desperately wants to take a shower is unlikely to jump into the arms of a stranger without at least doing some hygiene touch-up work first. At least a quick trip to a restroom to wash up.

Finally, (and this is not limited to the reals of erotic fiction) avoid making your characters too perfect. Everyone has some sort of flaw, some of which are obvious at first glance. However, some of them are endearing, even enhancing the attractiveness of the person. Give me more details than "her perfect round breasts." Besides, there are very few women who believe that any part of their bodies are 'perfect.' The story will be much hotter if she's a real woman, rather than a cookie cutter porn star. Let her breasts sag, give her some stretch marks, or even some cellulite...

 

[robertreams]

And and and and, there is one in every sentence (actually run-ons). Confine your sentences to one thought each. If you have two equal ideas, both complete sentences, join them with a semicolon, otherwise, subordinate one part of a sentence to the other. "Sadie was exhausted. All she wanted was a shower." She ran her fingers through her ash brown hair, twirling. . . " Also, typically with new writers, you "start" everything. Don't "start" actually do it! That is enough for now, but there is plenty more.

 

[sweet_lusciousdesire]

I really enjoy your vivid descriptions. They are very well done. You'll just need to seperate your talking parts like this below. Other than that..."Outstanding"

"Go now!" was his reply.

Each talking part gets its own line. That's what I was told anyways.

Nice going! Keep it up!