Do a friend a favour?

[groove_kid]

Hi.
A friend of mine, a woman, is returning to my city from a trip to California.
We were good friends before she left for California then we had a falling out.
She wouldn't even answer my emails for a year.
Anyway. I talked with her on Twitter of all places. Now that she's returning to my city I think she might want to stay with me until she gets settled in.
The thing is there are no pets allowed where I live. She has a budgie, two cats
and a large cocker Spanial.
She has no money. I would like to help her out a little but I fear she'll take advantage of me. I already did a favour for her today looking for a rental
unit. Maybe I shouldn't of.
How do I get out of disappointing her, by not letting her stay at my place?
Diplomatically, with the hope of still staying friends?
Without being too cold.
I mean she didn't answer my emails for a year.
She told me she got "locked out" of her email accounts.
I don't want to be taken for a fool.

 

[NippleMuncher]

She sounds like a "fair weather" friend who is out to use those around her for as much as she can, why waste your time with her?

 

[Aquagal]

Tell her the truth, you're unable to host her because she has pets.

 

[LadyVer]

Just tell her no pets are allowed where you live, and that she would need to pay half the rent and utilities if she did stay with you, that she would have to pay her share when she moved in. Or, you're unable to help her at this time because of your own financial situation, or because of other personal reasons, which you don't have to explain.

 

[Goldenfire]

Dude.. fuck her the fuck off.

 

[LWulf]

How do I get out of disappointing her, by not letting her stay at my place

You've already made up your mind that she won't be staying, now it just seems you need convincing this is the right decision.

She told me she got "locked out" of her email accounts. I don't want to be taken for a fool.

You either trust her, believe her and take her at her word or you don't. It sounds like you don't and you need convincing this is the right decision.

You don't "get out" of disappointing her, nobody does. Let me resolve your inner conflict quickly, she IS lying to you.

She has few options open to her and she is desperate and will lie to spare herself making hard decisions.

Let me ask you a question, IF she got rid of the pets, gave them each to mutual friends or whatever, would you still let her stay or would the next question you ask be "I think she lied to me and feel I can't trust her, how can I tell her she can't stay without disappointing her?"
Something makes me think you would because you need to come to grips with your own thoughts.

You need to make up your mind how you feel about her. Then you should be able to answer these questions easily yourself.

It sounds like you have few options open to you and are lying (to yourself) to spare yourself from making hard decisions.

 

[Hypoxia]

How's the sex?

 

[fma20fma]

hi

How's the sex?

enjoyable

 

[_Anonymous_]

I'm calling BS on this woman. For one, why did it take you a whole year to get the hint?

She. Is. Not. Your. Friend.

You don't need to be diplomatic. You need to be stern and unwavering. Otherwise, you will be used and thrown away when she gets what she wants/needs out of you. And I wouldn't even trade favors for sex. Then you catch feelings and get your heart stomped on.

Dude, time to put your foot down on this lovely young lady.

 

[Primalex]

Hi.
How do I get out of disappointing her, by not letting her stay at my place?
Diplomatically, with the hope of still staying friends?

As already said, what's the problem with the truth?

Ask if she has other suggestions how you can help her. Then make up your mind if you want to do this or not.

 

[simplegirl]

One thing life experience has taught me....say "no" and don't justify or make excuses. Say, I'm sorry you can't stay with me and leave it at that. If you start saying it's because of her pets, financial reasons or whatever excuse you dream up, you're giving her something she can try to weasel her way around. She's not a friend at this point, she's an acquaintance. She only contacted you when she wanted something from you. You helped her find a rental. You did more than reasonably expected for an acquaintance. Leave it at that.

 

[logix]

simplegirl has said what you need to know.
and remember:
"no good deed goes unpunished"

 

[Hypoxia]

You could refuse her.

Or you could use her, same as she wants to use you.

All on your terms.

Specify conditions: No pets. No drinking / smoking / doping / partying. No behaviors or visitors you disapprove of. Sexual availability, with tests. Paying expenses. House chores. Whatever you want and need.

Write out those conditions. A prepared paper document, yes, an agreement of her residence with you. She signs it. You sign it. Not legally enforceable, of course, but an acknowledgment of what-is-to-be, the quid pro quo.

You will learn exactly how desperate she really is. And maybe how desperate YOU are.

 

[simplegirl]

You know this woman and we don't. That said...Your instincts are telling you there are red flags all over the place. Instincts exist for a reason. Listen to them.

 

[Hypoxia]

You know this woman and we don't. That said...Your instincts are telling you there are red flags all over the place. Instincts exist for a reason. Listen to them.

Instincts are tricky beasts. They can be fun to write about but unreliable to live with. Too many of my instincts have been dead wrong. I follow a hunch, and fuck up royally, and ask myself, WTF DID I DO THAT?

Now, if it's a matter of general personal dislike, that's easy. Don't like her, and don't WANT to like her? Tell her no, and make no excuses. Not sure if you like her, or if you want to? That's tougher. Think about the conditional relationship I outlined above.

I was once very close to a certain kissin' cousin, who has developed into one of the most unpleasant people I know -- arrogant, manipulative, unliked by just about all kin, including their siblings. Would I respond to a request like your not-so-friendly friend's? On a conditional basis, maybe. They could stay IFF (if and only if) they abide by the terms. Otherwise, no way.

If nothing else, adrenaline would be churned.

 

[NotHisLady]

Hi.
A friend of mine, a woman, is returning to my city from a trip to California.
We were good friends before she left for California then we had a falling out.
She wouldn't even answer my emails for a year.
Anyway. I talked with her on Twitter of all places. Now that she's returning to my city I think she might want to stay with me until she gets settled in.
The thing is there are no pets allowed where I live. She has a budgie, two cats
and a large cocker Spanial.
She has no money. I would like to help her out a little but I fear she'll take advantage of me. I already did a favour for her today looking for a rental
unit. Maybe I shouldn't of.
How do I get out of disappointing her, by not letting her stay at my place?
Diplomatically, with the hope of still staying friends?
Without being too cold.
I mean she didn't answer my emails for a year.
She told me she got "locked out" of her email accounts.
I don't want to be taken for a fool.

Your questions:
How do I get out of letting her stay at my place with the hope of still staying friends?


Read JUST the highlighted portion and tell me the answer isn't obvious.
You don't.
You don't because she isn't your friend NOW so there is no "staying friends" to worry about. She needs a place to sleep indoors and assumed that you would be it. Apparently she was pretty close to right.

Here's were you fall back on Nancy Reagan.
Just say no.

 

[Curiouscouple8]

You know this woman and we don't. That said...Your instincts are telling you there are red flags all over the place. Instincts exist for a reason. Listen to them.

She's right. At some point you have to think with your head not your heart.

 

[groove_kid]

You don't "get out" of disappointing her, nobody does. Let me resolve your inner conflict quickly, she IS lying to you.

She has few options open to her and she is desperate and will lie to spare herself making hard decisions.

Let me ask you a question, IF she got rid of the pets, gave them each to mutual friends or whatever, would you still let her stay or would the next question you ask be "I think she lied to me and feel I can't trust her, how can I tell her she can't stay without disappointing her?"


It sounds like you have few options open to you and are lying (to yourself) to spare yourself from making hard decisions.

Thanks for all your replies. It's been really helpful.

I don't trust her enough right now to let her stay at all. With or without the pets. I'd like her to get settled here again and we can slowly become friends again. I still think of her as a friend though. Maybe we can't trust all our friends
though. I think my looking for a rental unit for her is enough help for now.

Thanks.

 

[groove_kid]

I'm calling BS on this woman. For one, why did it take you a whole year to get the hint?

She. Is. Not. Your. Friend.

You don't need to be diplomatic. You need to be stern and unwavering. Otherwise, you will be used and thrown away when she gets what she wants/needs out of you. And I wouldn't even trade favors for sex. Then you catch feelings and get your heart stomped on.

Dude, time to put your foot down on this lovely young lady.

Should keep this in mind. Thanks.

 

[groove_kid]

One thing life experience has taught me....say "no" and don't justify or make excuses. Say, I'm sorry you can't stay with me and leave it at that. If you start saying it's because of her pets, financial reasons or whatever excuse you dream up, you're giving her something she can try to weasel her way around. She's not a friend at this point, she's an acquaintance. She only contacted you when she wanted something from you. You helped her find a rental. You did more than reasonably expected for an acquaintance. Leave it at that.

That's true. There are some nice memories so I really don't like being so blunt.
I'll try and remember this though. Must be careful. Thanks again.

 

[groove_kid]

You could refuse her.

Or you could use her, same as she wants to use you.

All on your terms.

Specify conditions: No pets. No drinking / smoking / doping / partying. No behaviors or visitors you disapprove of. Sexual availability, with tests. Paying expenses. House chores. Whatever you want and need.

Write out those conditions. A prepared paper document, yes, an agreement of her residence with you. She signs it. You sign it. Not legally enforceable, of course, but an acknowledgment of what-is-to-be, the quid pro quo.

You will learn exactly how desperate she really is. And maybe how desperate YOU are.

Good advice. Thanks. The paper wouldn't have any legal effect though and
legalities are time consuming anyway.

 

[fire_breeze]

Thanks for all your replies. It's been really helpful.

I don't trust her enough right now to let her stay at all. With or without the pets. I'd like her to get settled here again and we can slowly become friends again. I still think of her as a friend though. Maybe we can't trust all our friends though. I think my looking for a rental unit for her is enough help for now.

Thanks.

Maybe you and I have a different definition of friends, but if I cannot trust someone, then they are not my friend. Coworker, yes. Acquaintance, sure. Even close lunch acquatinance? Absolutely. But friend? That, in my book, requires mutual trust, care and respect.

Don't undersell yourself.


Good luck.

 

[groove_kid]

Maybe you and I have a different definition of friends, but if I cannot trust someone, then they are not my friend. Coworker, yes. Acquaintance, sure. Even close lunch acquatinance? Absolutely. But friend? That, in my book, requires mutual trust, care and respect.

Don't undersell yourself.


Good luck.

Thanks. Ideally yes. I wish everyone were good 100% of the time though.

 

[groove_kid]

Your questions:
How do I get out of letting her stay at my place with the hope of still staying friends?


Read JUST the highlighted portion and tell me the answer isn't obvious.
You don't.
You don't because she isn't your friend NOW so there is no "staying friends" to worry about. She needs a place to sleep indoors and assumed that you would be it. Apparently she was pretty close to right.

Here's were you fall back on Nancy Reagan.
Just say no.

Right now we are just online friends really. I can't let her stay with me I know that. Must stick to that.
I thought the true test of her friendship would come when she had her own place in the near future.
Thanks for your reply. All the replies have been really helpful.

 

[groove_kid]

She sounds like a "fair weather" friend who is out to use those around her for as much as she can, why waste your time with her?

Must keep this in mind too. Thank you.