... Visit IKEA and stay calm!

[Cumference]

Lady C was going, and she knows that for a normal functioning male, the natural reaction to a place like IKEA on a saturday morning is pure horror (and a deep, deep need to se something burn or bleed).

The following relaxation therapy worked perfectly well:
A good nights sleep, followed by a light breakfast.
A 6 km run to the gym, then lift something like 20 tons of iron.
The good part: Be early at the gym and have a key..... Monkey business in the shower after training.

Then go home, do some basic blacksmithing with one of the kids, another light meal..... And off to IKEA.

I was so relaxed, that I must have looked like an idiot! (Why would any man stroll along looking content, calm and happy in IKEA?).


This is the way to go in the future!

 

[twister947]

I've never understood why my presence was required; my opinion was never sought.

 

[NatashaLove]

Ikea is the best.

 

[unregistered]

 

[StrayKat]

Pfft, my husband loves shopping, especially in Ikea. I am the one who breaks down when we leave the area with couches I can sit on and he has to bribe me with a hot dog promise not to skip kitchens.

 

[NightL]

No - NEVER again - fuck that!!! Bloody maze in there, I spend a way too long trying to find what I went there for then try to find the bloody door. Must be against fire regulations - how many times do you have to walk past the same kitchen displays just to get out. Those displays move as well - they start to creep closer and closer into the aisles. As for those fucking arrows on the floor - who the hell tells me where to walk when shopping - Damn, aren't they the same kitchen displays I walked past ten minutes ago! HELP I am TRAPPED - NEVER again

 

[StrayKat]

You have to memorize the floor plan before going in there. Seriously.

 

[Hypoxia]

Ikea is the best.

Quite right.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

Not even a full-on orgy on one of the display beds could tempt me back. It's internet shopping or nothing for me from now on, m'afraid.

 

[Hypoxia]

Do some people have a hard time dealing with spatial non-triviality? Yes, the first time in an Ikea store is a non-trivial experience. Give yourself an afternoon the first visit or two. Learn the layout. If you don't need furniture, stay off the second floor. We can do a run through the first floor for household necessities in under a half-hour when necessary. But day after tomorrow, we'll spend the afternoon in the West Sacramento store. You can find us -- we'll be the tallest people there. Oh damn, they've stopped selling gallons of ligonberry jam.

Confession: A couple rooms of our house are lined with Ikea 'Billy' birch cabinets with glass shelves and doors and display lights. We call the cabinets (filled with books and crafts) our Swedish Forest. Our coffee and kitchen tables are steel-and-glass from Ikea. Kitchen-counter stools, kitchenware, lights all over the house, various other stuff -- all Ikea. We've spent thousands of bucks there -- but anywhere else would have cost at least twice as much. Ikea rules.

And if you need a GPS there, so be it.

 

[In Anticipation]

No - NEVER again - fuck that!!! Bloody maze in there, I spend a way too long trying to find what I went there for then try to find the bloody door. Must be against fire regulations - how many times do you have to walk past the same kitchen displays just to get out. Those displays move as well - they start to creep closer and closer into the aisles. As for those fucking arrows on the floor - who the hell tells me where to walk when shopping - Damn, aren't they the same kitchen displays I walked past ten minutes ago! HELP I am TRAPPED - NEVER again

The maps they place every so often vary in our local store, each one seems to have a different layout and doesn't match the floor plan. They rearrange things and close short cuts unexpectedly by building a room set in front of them. At least I only have a five minute drive to get there.

I always want to get some crime scene tape and put it around a room set there, draw a body outline on the floor and photograph it. Maybe that's just me.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

I really do not mind shopping at Ikea. I do tend to get lost, but I have my own personal GPS system I call her Desertslave. I used to think I could navigate around an area pretty well on my own, but I've met her I feel like I've spent a lot of my time being lost. I will admit I am damn sure we always walk past the Kitchen stuff a half a dozen time when we go there, but I think she is lobbying for a new kitchen in her own sneaky way.

The thing I like about Ikea and working with her when we buy a large piece of furniture there and we both put it together. I think we've assembled over a dozen pieces and there was not a single angry word said by either of us. I lay all the large pieces out and she gets the instructions and separates the individual attachment bits and pieces out.

We bought a new house and found the builder crap was crap. I ripped it all out, we hit Ikea bought what we needed and put 5 large pieces together in a single day and built a reasonably nice walk in closet with much more storage that day without an angry word.

Slave always says we shout hire out as an Ikea assembly couple that will put your Ikea furniture together for a reasonable price while you sit back and watch in wonder. I am tempted to hire her out as an Ikea guide guaranteed to get you in and out in a minimal time. (LOL)

 

[Que]

No - NEVER again - fuck that!!! Bloody maze in there, I spend a way too long trying to find what I went there for then try to find the bloody door. Must be against fire regulations - how many times do you have to walk past the same kitchen displays just to get out. Those displays move as well - they start to creep closer and closer into the aisles. As for those fucking arrows on the floor - who the hell tells me where to walk when shopping - Damn, aren't they the same kitchen displays I walked past ten minutes ago! HELP I am TRAPPED - NEVER again

There are legions of industrial psychologists and sadistic interior design people whose whole existence is devoted to building cricket traps.

It is always easier to solve a maze backwards. Stores are backwards mazes...you go in it seems linear, the flow makes sense, but when you reverse direction all of the sudden you feel like a 4-year-old that has lost their Mommy.

I met a buddy and his sons at the only place I could think of where I could bring a friend of mine and her (not 21) son. Was in a mall. She was looking bored with us, and longingly towards the stores. I gave her the three watches in my pocket and told her to get a band and three batteries...

...that made it hard to say no when she later roped me into the mall proper, showing me some "cute" things she "happened to see."

Ever mindful of that sugar-daddy line one never quite makes it back from I nodded and agreed, and bought nothing. I did decide to slip back in and pick up the $12 Marylin shirt later. Cause I'm a big spender like that.

HUGE mistake. Parked on the wrong side of the mall. Went into forever21 was SURE it was near the escalator...searched for 20 minutes then gave up and asked a clerk who fortunately knew which one I meant.

BIGGER mistake was cutting through the big anchor again on the way out.

NO EXITS. 360 degrees NO exits.

Finally in frustration I took the sleeve of a stocker and said in exasperation, "Exit, now! You will lead me out of this cricket trap" The exit was behind a popped out wall with muted tones, soft lighting and uninteresting displays. I had looked past it six times or so.

 

[In Anticipation]

There are legions of industrial psychologists and sadistic interior design people whose whole existence is devoted to building cricket traps.

It is always easier to solve a maze backwards. Stores are backwards mazes...you go in it seems linear, the flow makes sense, but when you reverse direction all of the sudden you feel like a 4-year-old that has lost their Mommy.

I met a buddy and his sons at the only place I could think of where I could bring a friend of mine and her (not 21) son. Was in a mall. She was looking bored with us, and longingly towards the stores. I gave her the three watches in my pocket and told her to get a band and three batteries...

...that made it hard to say no when she later roped me into the mall proper, showing me some "cute" things she "happened to see."

Ever mindful of that sugar-daddy line one never quite makes it back from I nodded and agreed, and bought nothing. I did decide to slip back in and pick up the $12 Marylin shirt later. Cause I'm a big spender like that.

HUGE mistake. Parked on the wrong side of the mall. Went into forever21 was SURE it was near the escalator...searched for 20 minutes then gave up and asked a clerk who fortunately knew which one I meant.

BIGGER mistake was cutting through the big anchor again on the way out.

NO EXITS. 360 degrees NO exits.

Finally in frustration I took the sleeve of a stocker and said in exasperation, "Exit, now! You will lead me out of this cricket trap" The exit was behind a popped out wall with muted tones, soft lighting and uninteresting displays. I had looked past it six times or so.

OK, and did it lead into a secret entrance to IKEA? Maybe I've missed the point!

(actually I'm not that dumb)

 

[Emerson40]

No thanks, no way.

http://shoutsfromtheabyss.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/ikea_floor_plan1.jpg


The few times a year we just have to be there, I take the kids through the exit and we all get a frozen yogurt cone, while my wife navigates the showroom labyrinth.


For you IKEA shopping fans, check out IKEA Hackers, where folks share their ideas about taking shitty IKEA products, and repurpose them into other, sometimes less shitty things.

 

[Cumference]

My problem with IKEA is not:

- the plethora of object made from chipboard an psychedelically colored plastic
- the foolish names on normal objects. Just random foolish names, no sense of humor or tongue in the cheek when assigning names*. (And if you understand Swedish, you'll know, that there really is no meaning)
- the constant underlying political correctness from a shopping empire built on a pile of child laborers in sweat shops, chopping "Gösla" buttplugs from tropical hard wood.


And yes, after the CNC-machines machines made the sweat shops obsolete, IKEA furniture actually goes together like a charm. I bloody find myself liking to assemble it!
It is like a giant Airfix kit.

They have some funny gizmos that can me abused and perverted in a lot of ways.....




What makes me go absolutely nuts, is the effect of far too many people on far too little space, trotting along like sheep in a shopping frenzy,,,, all going the same way through the maze.
I want to go against the stream, change the signs, put a lot of yellow an blue condoms in a big bowl, a little sign naming them "KNULLA" on the bowl (and a stick man instruction on how to use), find a good OP and see if anybody notices.....



But the relaxation therapy made me keep all that inside, in a nice little locked up corner of my mind. It will not stay there, it will ferment and be ready for the next visit.... unless I'm relaxed of course.








*Rumor has it, that they once named a toilet set "Copenhagen". At least that was an attempt of humor.

 

[Hypoxia]

What makes me go absolutely nuts, is the effect of far too many people on far too little space, trotting along like sheep in a shopping frenzy,,,, all going the same way through the maze.

Maybe you frequent the wrong stores at the wrong times. My Ikea experiences have been near San Francisco, Sacramento, and Phoenix. They're busy on weekends, filled with kid-laden families. We don't go on weekends. We'll spend tomorrow (Tuesday) afternoon in air-conditioned splendor while Sacramento bakes at over 105f / 40c. We'll wander the uncrowded store, peer at some furniture upstairs, stock up on kitchen and housewares downstairs, munch a snack, and depart unmussed, driving back to our mounain retreat near Lake Tahoe. I sure wish Ikea would build a store in Reno.

 

[_Apocalypse_]

I do not trust IKEA...

 

[StrayKat]

I do not trust IKEA...

I assure you, you can sit on their chairs, they wont break

 

[LWulf]

IKEA. Because all furniture is meant to be mounted to the wall so it doesn't fall apart.

 

[Hypoxia]

We had a great, cool time wandering the West Sacramento IKEA store yesterday, basking in AC inside while temps approached 110f outdoors. You might have seen us -- we were the tall couple wearing black IBM tees. Didn't buy any furniture, nope, just perused it. We don't buy chairs there anyway -- too short for us. But we're loaded with IKEA cabinets and tables. I tell ya, before we had access to IKEA, the best we could do was Scandinavian Designs stores, and IKEA beats the shit out of SD, plus selling housewares.

 

[StrayKat]

IKEA. Because all furniture is meant to be mounted to the wall so it doesn't fall apart.

That is not fair. I have Ikea kitchen that survived 3 moving and is still in pretty good shape. Looks gorgeous and was half the price I would pay for something alike anywhere else.
And it fits everywhere.

 

[Cumference]

....


For you IKEA shopping fans, check out IKEA Hackers, where folks share their ideas about taking shitty IKEA products, and repurpose them into other, sometimes less shitty things.

We have such hackers among us.

Mindfondler made a nice little stool for his lady.
(no! Not that kind of stool!)

 

[In Anticipation]

That is not fair. I have Ikea kitchen that survived 3 moving and is still in pretty good shape. Looks gorgeous and was half the price I would pay for something alike anywhere else.
And it fits everywhere.

We have such hackers among us.

Mindfondler made a nice little stool for his lady.
(no! Not that kind of stool!)

I'm all for IKEA hacks . . .

Meanwhile my 1988 IKEA kitchen is seemingly indestructible and currently being abused in my ceramics workshop. I've lost count of how many relocations it's had.