Confused

[MySlave]

Hi there. I am very new to this whole BDSM thing. I have met someone whom I have fallen in love with, and he says he is in love w/me too. So when I found out he was not only into the whole Master/slave thing, he also has a giantess fetish, mixed w/a micro/macro thing.

He insists I call him Master except when family or friends are around, which I find strange. I mean always, when I ask a question, I always have to say master. When I get my answer I have to follow thank you w/a master. It's repetitive, and I know he's my master, why must I keep repeating it? Just b/c he demands it?

But here is the big thing that is bugging me, and I don't know what to do about it. When we are eventually living together, after about a year, he wants to occasionally, once or twice a month, bring in a girl or two to our bed. He says that this is his fantasy, and that if I am a "true slave" I will oblige. Now, normally, being the independent woman that I am, I would have ended this. But I really love him so much, and he has opened my eyes to many new things, I just don't want to ever leave him. So the confusion is: why, if I am all who he says I am, would he want more than just me? Why would he want me to watch? Why would he want me to participate?

He says I'll be the one cuddling w/him, sleeping w/him, living w/him, having a life w/him, it shouldn't be a big deal about sharing our bed every so often. I HATE this idea, just absolutely hate it, but I love him so much, I don't say anything. I mean I questioned him, told him I was scared, but he said that is what he wants, he desires it, that there is no why. I just wish I was enough for him.

Can someone help me out w/this? Some words of advice or comfort? I wrestle w/this every day.

Thank you very much.

 

[EbonyTigress]

deleted

 

[MeekMe]

What a shitty situation. As a "slave" you still have veto power. If you are uncomfortable it's ok to say no. If he can't except that, perhaps you have to go separate ways?

It's a tough thing to think about, but if he brings in another girl while you really don't want it... The relationship will dissolve faster if he forces the issue.

It's not wrong for you to have standards, and to throw that bullshit statement: "a true slave" at you is complete shit.

Hopefully someone will be along with more to add soon.

 

[Pachet]

a real Master doesnt just take someone who doesnt know anything about the lifestyle and TELL her "I'm your Master". There is supposed to be negotiation, talking about wants and needs, limits, ect. I see huge red flags here too. It doesn't sound like he cares much about how you feel or whether you're happy, to be blunt. If he did he wouldn't push you to do things you're not comfortable with.

It's ok to not want to share your bed, and your man. You can be a "real slave" and not want these things.

 

[bristolbabcock]

Watch out

Run Like Hell Girl!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

There's no such thing as a twue sub, twue slave, twue mathter, etc., etc., except in each individual's unique mind.

What you have encountered is a manipulative, using, selfish, self-centered asshole. As bristolbabcock said, Run like hell!

 

[StrayKat]

I think you might want to distance yourself from any kind of BDSM context and see if there is any chance to establish a normal, vanilla relationship first. I am really skeptic, but its worth to try talk to him and set up some rules for him as well. You will have to put your foot down and be prepared for the big chance of failure.
That is the best I can say, given that you love him so much.
Otherwise I would agree with "run like hell" crowd.

 

[Bramblethorn]

"If you were a true slave..." is a big red flag. Forget about labels for a moment: if it makes you both happy it's good BDSM, if it makes one of you miserable then it's bad BDSM, simple as that.

There's no magic BDSM Bible that says what a "slave" should and shouldn't be happy with. Every couple (triad, ...) has to find something that works for them.

Polyamory can work well when all involved are comfortable with the idea and looking out for one another's happiness. It sounds like he's just expecting you to go along with his fantasy, without any thought for what works for you, and that's a train wreck waiting to happen. If you're uncomfortable with the idea now, and he's not listening to you, it's only likely to get worse from here. Sorry, but you might be better off out of this one.

 

[Stella_Omega]

There will be a thousand and a half other guys equally anxious to meet you, and at least half of those will be more compatible out of the box...

Most men have the desire to get lots of girls in bed with them, and they've all heard that Domly Doms get to do anything they want, like in the books... If that is really something you don't want, you will have to make a stand, as women have been doing since the dawn of time, more or less

 

[MeekMe]

I've read the OP a few more times now and I feel that waiting for you to say you love him before telling you he's into BDSM is messed up. Waiting for you to be comfortable with him and then dropping the bomb has put you in a difficult situation. The more I think about it the more I feel like you were set up.

If he told you about all this in the beginning would you have stayed?

Like the others have been saying, most couples engaging in BDSM have a discussion about wants/needs/limits before practicing such activities. Both (or more) have some communication about what they will and will not do, this includes what a sub (PYL - pick your label) is willing to or wants to do.

It sounds like what everyone here warns about.

If you like the BDSM aspect and enjoy M/s I suggest learning more about it on your own. Have a talk, if he throws "true slave" bullshit at you again, please run. That's a statement often used to guilt someone into things they don't want to do.

 

[Noor]

Run like hell.
You can try talking to him about it in case he doesn't realize what he is doing, some guys don't get it but if he does get it, then yeah, he is a user and run like hell.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm not a "run like hell" sort of person. I AM, however, a "is this working for me?" sort of person.

At the end of the day, all BDSM relationships, are RELATIONSHIPS. Generally speaking, people stay in relationships because it [the relationship] works for them. So - if you remove the Master/ slave stuff [that you aren't very knowledgeable about, with your only educational resource being your "Master" - who has a vested interest in educating you in ways that are beneficial to his desires]... would this relationship work for you?

 

[pensivepoet]

Nothin left to say that hasn't been said.
I'm with the "run like hell" bunch

 

[WorkPlayHard]

The first red flag is call me Master all the time, unless friends or family are around because gawd that could be embarrassing! He sounds like a wannabe. Tell him you aren't sure if this is safe sane and consenting. As a "true" sub you are giving him a gift, and he can't make you give him the gift. You need to sit down, sit him down and discuss hard limits (things you won't do), soft limits, (things you think are scary but could be convinced to try in a loving and protective relationship), and finally the things you want to do (or be done to you). Also, you need safe words! Red for full stop, yellow for you aren't sure, and green for go for it! In a long term relationship, he will learn what triggers Red and yellow. My wife and I haven't used a safe word in years because we have knowledge, trust, and love.

 

[wicked woman]

Why would you enter into a M/s relationship without first finding out what it would entail and whether you're okay with that? Did you have a discussion about interests? What your hard/soft limits were? What his were? Did you do any research on what the power exchange might mean? There's no true anything. There should be compatibility though.

As some have stated a BDSM relationship is still a relationship. Don't throw out your common sense just because its got the new, shiny parameters of BDSM.

 

[Loverskitten]

I really hope you listen to the advice given. I'm right there with the "run like hell" group. Lots of good advice in this thread. Listen to it.

I know dating sucks at this age (I'm 41) but this guy is a manipulator. The "true sub" thing is such crap it's laughed at by people in the BDSM community. If you are having issues with his idea of domination now, it's going to get way worse. If you have feelings for this man, seeing him with others will really hurt. This will break down your self esteem. He doesn't seem to care about that and that is NOT love.

Whatever you do, do NOT move in with him.

 

[Allyourbase]

I can imagine you don't want to hear the 'run like hell' thing when you're in love. But please hear us out.

Whatever people end up in, where BDSM-relationships are concerned, whether they say "Master, thank you Master" every time or have given up all their power where other partners are concerned... you have to realize this:

All of that, in healthy BDSM-relationships, is part of what gets BOTH people off. A submissive might agree to give up the right to object to things, like, other partners for their Dominant, but that is *because the submissive gets something out of that as well*. It scratches an itch for some people to be disregarded, to be put aside, to be humiliated or not the only partner. It is an agreement between the one who is the boss and the one who submits to that. An agreement, on beforehand, to be unequal, because both of you like that. Remember that.

If you're not into BDSM or not into the kind of BDSM where you give up certain rights - if being slave to his whims doesn't push something inside your brain that makes you feel a kind of delicious pain inside that you've been craving for years, then, don't do it.

The assumption that you have to do this because he wants it, *without you getting something out of it* is NOT how it works. If that is how HE thinks, he's either wishful-thinking that you might become into it once you start doing it, or he's not interested in his subs getting anything out of it. If it's the former, he'd be checking in with what you think of the arrangement regularly, if it's the latter, he won't, and he might just lack concern for peoples needs that get in the way of him getting his own itch scratched. This is not good. Hence: 'run'.

 

[Allyourbase]

Also:

Paging KoPilot to drop in for some light on the micro-macro fetish.

 

[subwannabe]

I can think of something to say that hasn't been said yet. You sound a lot like a 16 year old girl who tells her mother she is in love and her mother says, "That's nice honey. I'm so happy for you." then turns around, rolls her eyes, and thinks to herself, "Oh God, she thinks she's in love.". I am with the run like hell crowd. Also, you are only now seeing the tip of the iceberg. There's a lot more going on in his mind that he hasn't even told you about - yet. Just remember what happened to the Titanic.

 

[pensivepoet]

I'm thinking of that line from that 70's song by "Yes"
~don't surround yourself with yourself, move on back two squares.
Step out of yourself, out of the situation, out of his shadow. Look at it objectively, as a spectator to a play.
Then decide~is that what i really want? Is that for me?

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I am a fan of love in all of it's forms and have a deep and idealistic romantic streak. Being or falling in love with such intensity is a beautiful thing, but unfortunately it does not automatically mean it is a happy, healthy, or sustainable relationship.

That said, if it were me, I guess I would have to ask myself if this relationship is making me suppress and contract or grow and expand. If it's not the latter, then why would I choose to invest my limited and precious time for life there?

 

[KoPilot]

Also:

Paging KoPilot to drop in for some light on the micro-macro fetish.

Unfortunately, this guy sounds like a loser and I hope the OP doesn't stick around long enough to delve into that footnote. :\

 

[Allyourbase]

Unfortunately, this guy sounds like a loser and I hope the OP doesn't stick around long enough to delve into that footnote. :\

And there's your light.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I'm not a "run like hell" sort of person. I AM, however, a "is this working for me?" sort of person.

At the end of the day, all BDSM relationships, are RELATIONSHIPS. Generally speaking, people stay in relationships because it [the relationship] works for them. So - if you remove the Master/ slave stuff [that you aren't very knowledgeable about, with your only educational resource being your "Master" - who has a vested interest in educating you in ways that are beneficial to his desires]... would this relationship work for you?

This.

He told you what he wants and needs. Now you have to make up your mind about how well that works with your wants and needs.
Some wants are usually negotiable but if your needs and most important wants aren't met, it's not going to be sustainable.

 

[Primalex]

why, if I am all who he says I am, would he want more than just me? Why would he want me to watch? Why would he want me to participate?

Why do you care?

He obviously is old enough to know what he wants.

he said that is what he wants, he desires it, that there is no why. I just wish I was enough for him.

But you are not enough for him. How difficult can it be to understand that?