How do I bring back spice in my marriage?

[mmisty]

i feel almost guilty even being on this site, but if i don't figure something out i am going to go crazier. We have been married for over 10 years. We have experimented lots, with every position we could imagine, ice, anal, etc. i am game for anything, but he isn't that into the kinky. i have asked him to spank me. He doesn't like it. i have bought handcuffs and other toys he wont even consider using. He doesn't like porn. i even offered to invite one of my bi friends into our room when she came over to party a little. It hurt his feelings. When we first got together, he was really aggressive in bed and out. Now, i am in my mid thirties, am in the middle of my sexual peak, and all i can get is missionary or doggie style. i am frustrated, angry, and, frankly, bored. However, i do love him very much and we do have a beautiful family. i don't know how i might re-ignite that part of him that wants to play with me. Any advice is good advice.

 

[subwannabe]

It's usually guys who make posts like this. There was another thread recently about this in reverse. I have the exact same problem as a guy with my wife. Have you had a sit down talk with him about your feelings? Maybe he's afraid to be kinky with kids around the house. I've tried about everything I can think of but haven't gotten very far for very long with my wife. Sometimes there is something non-sexual going on in the relationship that spills over into the sexual arena. You didn't give us much to go on. You say that you did a lot of different things early on. What was he like before that? Maybe he was willing to try these things to please you at first but now that you are into the marriage he has realized that he actually doesn't like any of these things. I hate to say it but it is possible that you are just way to kinky for him and he has found out that this is not his thing. A guy that doesn't like porn? Not sure what to make out of that but it is highly unusual. Porn DVD's can be horrible. I have found that the downloadable things you can find on the internet are much better than porn actors making DVD movies. Filling an hour to an hour and a half on a porn movie just makes for a bad movie.

 

[FGB]

Might be low "T".

Is he older than you? Both of you need to talk to each other and the "Doc"

Good Luck.

When I married this last time I found myself in the same situation and it got worse!

After 22 years the divorce should be final in a couple of weeks unless some other paperwork holds it up.

*****************************************************************

(all you old hands ...Please note: I managed NOT to make a crack about trying some "Cheap Ass Redneck Spices!" this being the How To Board and all.)

 

[Heatseekher]

am no guru and fortunate enough to be very happy after 25+ yrs with the same lovely lady.....however life for everyone ebbs and flows.....and like anything else communication is key.
Thing is its a sensitive subject and can easily bruise egos .....

what i did in the past was to play a made up game. it was a game of nooo yeesss maybe. the gist is that we happened to share a bath, so it was a soft setting and i rolled out the idea that each of us should ask a question of the other - ie/ how'd you feel about xyz, or i saw xyz mentioned in a magazine /tv could you ever imagine doing that etc etc.
the thing was that there were some nooo's, but instead of letting all of them slide i asked 'why' for some of them....often there wasn'ta rational answer and talking it through the noo became a ' ah ok, yeah probably'.....

funnily enough it was during this sharing that Mrs H rolled out that she fancied being put over my knee and spanked...however, in the cold light of day she'd never been able to suggest/mention that!

the other point is that for something to change/improve someone has to realise the benefit. Because if someone is in a rut then that rut becomes a built in habit. Taking an active interest in anything promotes and stimulates as desire to get more involved / improve.

 

[StrayKat]

Communication is not a key for those who simply have no interest in certain things. You can talk until you go blue in the face, if they are not wired that way it wont work.
Good that talking works for you, but dont think it works for everyone.

 

[SweetErika]

Communication is not a key for those who simply have no interest in certain things. You can talk until you go blue in the face, if they are not wired that way it wont work.
Good that talking works for you, but dont think it works for everyone.

That's a very fair point, although I still think communication is key to figuring that out, potentially making some compromises and deciding how to work with what you have. If what you have is a partner who's wired completely differently and there aren't enough compromises that will allow both people to be happy, then communication is also key is dissolving the relationship in the best way possible.

 

[Primalex]

How does he act outside his home and environment, like when you two are on a vacation without kids?

 

[NightL]

Have you asked him directly why the change? What was his response? Does he recognise it as an issue? What are his suggestions for getting it back on track? Does he want to? If he does not want to get it back where it was, then why? What is his reason for not putting an effort in for you?

Apart from you trying to seduce him back into the mood, then getting frustrated and grumpy (fair enough) have you tried those direct questions? Have you told him how important this is for you?

Perhaps it is time for a Sex Therapist. Maybe make an appointment for yourself first to ask for suggestions on how to approach your husband over attending future counselling sessions with you.

First talk to your husband. You deserve straight answers, but you need to ask direct questions. Some people (men) are not to great on subtleties, be very clear with your questions.

"I feel our sex life has changed yet my interest and desire for you has not. I am really missing how things used to be between us. This discussion is very important for me. How are you feeling about this?" - as a suggested starter. Don't accept avoidance, get him talking - you have to let him know it is a problem already. "What are your suggestions to improve things?"

 

[Heatseekher]

'' communication isn't key''

sorry have to disagree, it may not solve anything but without it you've no information or basis to work from. If the info / reply is ' i don't like X because it grosses me out/does nothing for me/is alien to my way of thinking - then there's a line in the sand, but not asking/talking and understanding doesn't give the option to either relinquish the point or attack it from an alternative direction.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

'' communication isn't key''

sorry have to disagree, it may not solve anything but without it you've no information or basis to work from. If the info / reply is ' i don't like X because it grosses me out/does nothing for me/is alien to my way of thinking - then there's a line in the sand, but not asking/talking and understanding doesn't give the option to either relinquish the point or attack it from an alternative direction.

and talking isn't the only form of communication.

 

[StrayKat]

That's a very fair point, although I still think communication is key to figuring that out, potentially making some compromises and deciding how to work with what you have. If what you have is a partner who's wired completely differently and there aren't enough compromises that will allow both people to be happy, then communication is also key is dissolving the relationship in the best way possible.

Sometimes it may be worse to talk than not, lets say in case you finally manage to get over embarrassment of talking about uncomfortable things just to be met with disdain and rejection. That happens too.

But I didnt say "dont talk". I said "dont expect all your problems will be solved if only you talked about them", because that seems to be the leitmotiv of too many internet advisers. It may but then it may not. As long as people are aware of all possible outcomes.

 

[NightL]

I said "dont expect all your problems will be solved if only you talked about them"

and if you don't talk?

I have seen this very OP post a hundredfold in my time here... and I would suggest the one and most simple thing missing is "I still feel the same way toward you but things have changed. What are your feelings about this?"

Along come the Lit "You will solve this with an open marriage, a three some, fuck a donkey..." and I will always say ..."just ask the questions..."

 

[StrayKat]

and if you don't talk?

Then you are not even trying to solve anything.

Why people have to be so obtuse

It is about expectations. Some here sound like if only you opened your mouth everything will be a fairly tale covered in roses. And they lived happily ever after...
Well its not like that. Some do, some dont. People should be prepared for anything, that is my whole point.
Ask a question, yes, but be prepared that you may not like the answer.

 

[MeekMe]

I second all those in favor of communicating.

^_^ You won't know unless you communicate (e-mail, letters, text messages, talking). Even if someone isn't wired a certain way and no matter how much you talk it won't "help." The point of communication is to find out what does and does not work. After communicating, if things can't be resolved, you at least have the information to move forward.

You could always show him that you come here. I like to use this board to start conversations with my husband. It's easier to bring something up when I say, "Today on the board..." And tell him if something is interesting or weighing on me.

This place has helped me "spice things up" many times.

 

[NightL]

The big fear is "If I ask the questions will that lead to an inevitable break up?"

well I will leave that open...

except so many pleas are actually "How can I make him/her change their mind without engaging them, because if I engage them I am afraid it will only lead to divorce/break-up"

There has to be communication... What? - or else continue to lead a life of resentment and lack of emotional support just because "maybe you should not go there with those questions..."

So much SHIT goes down because the most simplest of approach is avoided "I need to tell you how I feel..."

To be frank, if a relationship can't cope with "I need to tell you how I feel..." it was doomed from the start - it was never a relationship.

 

[mmisty]

Great feedback..

I have discussed the way I feel with him and it always turns into him stating that I want a divorce. Anytime I approach him with feelings of discontent he says that. I have asked if maybe he is the one who wants a divorce. His response is almost always no and that he loves me. I told him yesterday how sad I am becoming with everything and that I came online for suggestions. He then told me if I am that miserable maybe we should call it quits. But then a rational discussion about the possibility of divorce turns into a full blown argument that completely diffuses into him stating that we are never getting divorced. By this time, my feelings are so conflicted and hurt. And all of this, of course, contributes to the lack of sexual everything. We will find a solution, one way or another.

 

[NightL]

It is counselling time. This can be the start of the new... up to you both

Don't waste time - start now - start immediately

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

COMMUNICATION is a floating abstract with no concrete meaning. Do like most women and recruit a large black doofus with a huge schlong and a free city bus pass, and have his bastard child. Youll get spanked and more.

 

[NightL]

Not this time JBJ - not this time

 

[pplwatching]

It's often said that sex is a barometer of what's happening in the rest of the marriage. In other words, it is often a symptom and not a cause.

Talking about communication is all well and good, but none of us is born knowing how to communicate. I can only speak from my experience. It's the essence of marriage that we seek to understand how our spouse feels and to seek to meet their needs. It is also a two way street. It's also the essence of marriage that our spouse understand how we feel and seek to meet our needs. But sometimes the road get's blocked.

I have discussed the way I feel with him and it always turns into him stating that I want a divorce. Anytime I approach him with feelings of discontent he says that.

It sounds like your husband is very adept at redirecting and shutting down communication. The first question that I would ask is, why does he feel the need to do this? Does he simply not care, or is he really just not prepared to address the issue? Sometimes we're not prepared to talk simply because the timing is bad. I read somewhere that men have boxes in our heads. Food is in one box. Work is in another box. Sex is in one box. Apparently women keep everything in one big box, and can switch thoughts in an instant. Men have to close one box before we can open another one. That particular author author . speaker suggests giving your partner time to close whatever box is open before opening the "communicate with wife box" by setting aside time to talk. In that respect, in my experience, one of the values of marriage counseling was that it was scheduled. I walked into the room prepared to discuss problems and work on solutions, because I knew when I was supposed to be there. You can set aside time without counseling, but it requires some discipline.

Other times, we're not prepared to talk about tough subjects like intimacy and sex because we just don't know how to begin. Not knowing where to begin is a different problem. In my experience, men like to fix things. When we can't fix things, we tend to feel somewhat helpless and sometimes get frustrated. Men are conditioned by society in different ways then women are. We're supposed to be always ready for sex. We're supposed to be turned on and ready to go when the wind changes direction. It's possible that he simply doesn't know how to go about 'fixing' the issue, so he punts the ball back to you in the worst possible way. It would seem to me that he may be saying, "I don't know how to fix this so you must want to leave." I suppose one reply would be, "If I wanted a divorce I would be talking to a lawyer. I'm talking to you because I love you and want to be married. More than that, I want a happy marriage with lots of hot sex."

You may need to put on your detective hat and sleuth out how he feels before you can express your needs in a way that encourages him to work with you. As the spouse who is initiating the conversation communication is observing, asking questions, and listening first. Clarifying and making sure that we understand our spouse's point of view is second. Once you've figured out how to communicate with your husband, then you can begin to communicate. Once we understand our spouse's point of view and needs, then we can frame our needs and express them in a way that they can relate to. Otherwise we are left wondering why we never seem to communicate.

In case you are wondering, the speaker / author is Mark Gungor. He's got a number of videos on YouTube. The one that I'm referring to is "A tale of two brains." Whether or not it's psychobabble is above my limited intellect. What I can say is that I relate to it.

As a big fan of marriage (and hot sex) myself, I wish you the best of luck. Wanting hot sex is a good thing, but it sounds like more than that you want a strong marriage. Good luck to you.

 

[Rolando2]

get a new spice rack andfill all the new little containers with fresh spices!

 

[bailadora]

I have discussed the way I feel with him and it always turns into him stating that I want a divorce. Anytime I approach him with feelings of discontent he says that.

Not to excuse his behavior, but there's a pretty good chance that's how he's expressing fear: that you'll leave him if he either won't or can't be the lover you want him to be.

This might be where a good counselor can be of help. 'Cause it's the truth that even though people might be talking, there's no guarantee they're actually communicating. I wish you and your husband all the best.

 

[NiceNastyMann]

i feel almost guilty even being on this site, but if i don't figure something out i am going to go crazier. We have been married for over 10 years. We have experimented lots, with every position we could imagine, ice, anal, etc. i am game for anything, but he isn't that into the kinky. i have asked him to spank me. He doesn't like it. i have bought handcuffs and other toys he wont even consider using. He doesn't like porn. i even offered to invite one of my bi friends into our room when she came over to party a little. It hurt his feelings. When we first got together, he was really aggressive in bed and out. Now, i am in my mid thirties, am in the middle of my sexual peak, and all i can get is missionary or doggie style. i am frustrated, angry, and, frankly, bored. However, i do love him very much and we do have a beautiful family. i don't know how i might re-ignite that part of him that wants to play with me. Any advice is good advice.

I guess the big question is - was he into these things before you were married?

Or - is this a situation where you have expanded your appetites and repertoire but he's stuck at the PB&J level?

 

[Felix_Jones]

Bulk food store. That's where it's the cheapest. You can get cumin, allspice, coriander, etc. by the bagfull.

 

[Hypoxia]

Bulk food store. That's where it's the cheapest. You can get cumin, allspice, coriander, etc. by the bagfull.

Try the SAVORY shop on SW 13th Ave in Portland OR's Sellwood district: http://www.savoryspiceshop.com/ - Finest stuff. Great staff. Free tastes.