How to come to terms with relative living with us

[unregistered]

 

[silverwhisper]

wow, that situation sucks, j, and i'm sorry to learn of it.

the best course of action i can think of relates to getting him employed again. if he's an OTR guy, what happened to his rig? is there a problem in terms of his viability to find employment again? is there an issue with his CDL? there should be plenty of resources for unemployed folks in your area. the US department of labor should have a one-stop center in or near your county seat. if he hasn't already gone there, can someone give him a lift there, maybe stay with him for that first day to get processed by the folks at the one-stop?

ed

 

[pfflyerhot]

I assume you all agreed on the "until he recovers...". Seems to me, the situation has changed to "...if he recovers". Time to renegotiate your terms. Upfront. Don't let it fester...
You don't have to complain to your husband... but, you two DO need to talk about the effect this is having on your lives.
How about giving him a deadline for action?
How long has he been living with you guys? How old is he? Does he have much in the way of a career left?

 

[SweetErika]

Does your husband agree that his father living with your family needs to be a very temporary/stop-gap solution?

Have you checked into VA resources for your FIL? Is there an elder/senior care arm of social services in your state or county, or maybe a social services clearinghouse number you can call to be pointed in the right direction? The VA has rehab/nursing facilities, so I'm wondering if you could move him into one of those while he recovers, then let the social workers help him find housing and work when he's in better shape. And, well, if he also needs rehab for substance abuse or therapy for PTSD or whatever is the root cause behind the homelessness, then either a VA or state social worker should be able to help him with that as well, provided he's actually interested in getting help (that's obviously something you'd need to find out before going to much more trouble!).

Maybe you can talk it over with your husband and make an agreement on the length of time his father is welcome in your home. Then share that with Dear Ol' Dad, and let him know in no uncertain terms that racist comments and such won't be tolerated while he's recovering in your home. From what you've said, it sounds like this guy is of the "take a mile" variety, and he'll suck you guys dry in every way possible if you don't make very clear boundaries, time limits, plans and then stick to them. I hate to say it, but lock up your valuables and make sure you'll be able to make your FIL vacate legally when you decide to do so, just in case he doesn't take well to the news that he will be moving on sooner rather than later.

Sometimes you have to let people lie in the beds they've made, rather than continue to wreak havoc on your life, you know? If this guy was remorseful about his mistakes and clearly making an effort to change, it might be a different story, but it sounds like he's content to continue spreading his misery around.

 

[pplwatching]

Hi,

It certainly seems at times like no good deed goes unpunished. These are the times that we find out who we really are. Two thoughts come to mind. First, I think that the way that you approach the situation matters more than what action you eventually take. I beleive that it's important to be proactive, to prevent your FIL from becoming a wedge driving himself into your marriage. I think that it's important that you and your husband come together to discuss the situation, no matter how difficult that discussion may be.

As you point out, broaching the subject will require some tact and delicacy. I suggest framing the conversation initially in terms of your husband's feelings. You know that his feelings mirror yours anyway. I'd suggest telling your husband that you can see how much this situation is bothering him, that you understand how he must feel having his kindness repaid in this way, and that you are there for him. In marriage there are no martyrs, so let him know that you feel the same but that you don't blame him for a decision that you made together for all the right reasons. It's important that he know that you are proud that he did the right thing, and that his heart is in the right place. It is also important that you reassure each other that the two of you are in this together, will find a solution together, and will put each other first.

So, letting each other know that you're in the same corner is one. Which brings me to my second thought, which is actually also two thoughts. First we can not help people who do not want to help themselves. Second, just because we make sacrifices doesn't mean that our efforts will be appreciated, received with gratitude, or reciprocated. We make these sacrifices because of who we are. We accept our spouse's family when we accept our spouse. Most of us are raised to respect our parents, not talk back, and generally accept them for who they are. This works when our parents set a good example. It doesn't work so well when the parent is acting like a child and disrupting our marriage.

Supporting your husband's desire to help his father doesn't mean that you have to roll over and be walked on. As with a child, you and your husband may need to set firm boudaries that both of you can stand by. One would seem to be speaking up when your FIL says inappropriate things. It's rare for me to begin a sentence with, "Your husband should" but in this case I will make an exception. Your husband should stand up to his father for his family, and address the matter. Your FIL needs to understand that it is not funny when he offends you. It's terrible behaviour from a guest, even when that guest is his father. It will be important to stand united with your husband in telling the man that that kind of talk has no place in your home. Unfortunately, this is one of those "our house, our rules" moments (IMHO) even though confrontations like these are so difficult. You can, and maybe should, prefice those moments with "We love you".

For what it's worth, it seems like the two of you already are 'a better person' than most people on the planet. Showing compassion and kindness towards another human being, especially in light of his past, is a wonderful and beautiful thing. It doesn't make either you or your husband bad people to expect decent behaviour from a guest. Your FIL needs to know what you expect from him. He may play the "I'd rather go live on the street' card. Of course that will make you feel guilty, because it will be said to make you feel guilty. Just know that whether he stays and treats you with respect or moves out, each is a choice that is his to make and that he must live with the consequences. Of course we don't want to see our parents living on the street. As with everything that we do in marriage, however, our first priority is to protect our marriage.

Tolerate the things about him that must be tolerated. Love the things about him that you can love. Demand that he do his part for everything else. He can do his part to keep your home and marriage happy, and IMHO that's his responsibility.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more concrete to offer. Good luck to you both.

 

[Hypoxia]

My mom decided to move in with us, bringing her racist, shifty, lying, obnoxious, lazy common-law 'hubby' along. At least they didn't sleep in the house. They parked their little camper-van out front and merely used our kitchen, baths, media room, yard, etc at all hours.

My partner and I grew weary after a few weeks. After some particularly noxious comments from him, I gave the word to mom: you can stay but he isn't allowed in the house ever again. They drove off. I next saw them four years later. And the bastard had toned-down somewhat by then.

No, I don't recommend quite this approach for you. BUT: does FIL need to stay IN your house? Can you devise an independent living space for him, even a little trailer? And yes, check with social and veteran's services. Many programs exist -- imperfect, but better than having your marriage ruined.

(I won't detail events when my partner's grumpy paranoid grandmother moved in with us. In the house, no camper or trailer available. Ay yi yi. I'll just say that after a few weeks, she decided to torture her son and DIL rather than us. Whew.)

 

[Bramblethorn]

This initially began as an isolated blurt, but I find myself wondering if any of you can share some experience or wisdom with me.

My father-in-law is living with us. Moving him in was the right thing to do for many reasons, but it's causing some problems for my husband and me. Some background: he was a shitty, absentee father. My husband's siblings will not give him the time of day. Over the years, my husband has made some attempts to communicate with his dad, many times finding him in need of money or some necessity. Recently, we learned he was seriously injured and homeless. It was not an easy decision, but he had nowhere else to go, so he's living in our spare room.

Okay, this is meant to be temporary; when he recovers, he should return to work. (OTR driver - essentially lives out of truck). I'm getting the picture he's never going to go back. I think he's with us for a long, long time.

I've been in a similar situation although not as bad (with me it was a younger relative who was able to work, but wasn't looking terribly hard, and had mental health issues that he refused to deal with). One of the things that makes these situations insidious is that you're expected to tolerate some things because "it's just for a few days/weeks" and then, as you've experienced, that day never quite arrives.

One thing that might help is asking him for a date on how long he expects to stay, and telling him you'll hold him to it. If he says "never" or "a year", you and husband can decide whether that's acceptable to you and if so, what conditions you're putting on him staying. Crappy situation to be in, but at least if he acknowledges that it's long-term you are in a stronger position to lay down the rules.

And if it's short-term (or if you and husband decide that it has to be short-term), great... but then make it clear that you WILL be kicking him out at that time, and that he needs to have other plans made by then. If need be, check the legalities and be prepared to serve eviction papers (or whatever's applicable) effective that date; make it clear that if he doesn't have anywhere to go on that date, it will be by his choice. Otherwise it's very easy to be blackmailed by somebody who deliberately leaves themselves without options.

As far as possible, try to frame things as his choices: you give him the choice between finding somewhere else to live, or living in your house on your terms.

You and husband need to have a united front on this; I recommend agreeing between the two of you that you'll discuss anything relating to this together before making decisions, and both of you will take ownership of whatever decisions you do make.

And do remember that ultimately, you're not accountable for saving him from his choices.

Good luck. It's a hard 'un.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Bramblethorn]

I feel like a whining brat because I just want to hang out in my living room and veg with my husband. I feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own space.

I know that feeling. We celebrated ever so when the 'kid' moved out.

Well, when I say "he moved out", actually I had to pack up his room and clean it all, and you DO NOT WANT TO KNOW the details, but the important thing was we had our space back.

 

[imemkay]

I have nothing new to add, as you've already been given some solid advice. I wish you luck, though. I'll keep my fingers crossed that things are resolved quickly for you!

 

[smallgirl]

This initially began as an isolated blurt, but I find myself wondering if any of you can share some experience or wisdom with me.

My father-in-law is living with us. Moving him in was the right thing to do for many reasons, but it's causing some problems for my husband and me. Some background: he was a shitty, absentee father. My husband's siblings will not give him the time of day. Over the years, my husband has made some attempts to communicate with his dad, many times finding him in need of money or some necessity. Recently, we learned he was seriously injured and homeless. It was not an easy decision, but he had nowhere else to go, so he's living in our spare room.

Okay, this is meant to be temporary; when he recovers, he should return to work. (OTR driver - essentially lives out of truck). I'm getting the picture he's never going to go back. I think he's with us for a long, long time.

I am so uncomfortable in my own home. He says racist and bigoted statements, laughs off any look of horror on my face. He talks endlessly, never, ever shuts up. I just feel like the worst me anymore, too. I'm grumpy. (Hubs and I have had sex ONCE in the month he's been here. Once.)

I can't win here. Asking him to leave is wrhong. He has no one, he's burned all bridges. He has nothing, no money, no anything. He's a homeless vet, too.

What can I do? Suck it up, be a better person, let go of the little things?
I can't complain to my husband. He's just as uncomfortable and frustrated; complaining to him will be interpreted as complaining about his decision to move him in. How do I make the best of this?

I really feel for you. I almost found myself in this exact situation the last few months with my FIL. I knew I could not do it, and I stood my ground with hubby saying we could not take him in....he has the money to pay for his care, so money wasn't an issue.
I may not be the best person for advice about this, but this is what I think. Your hubby doesn't "owe" his dad. The life his dad has is his own doing, let him lay in it. You and your marriage come first. I'm not going to let anyone make me uncomfortable in my own home, I don't care who they are. There are resources to help him....find those and get him out. No one will think badly of you...if they do screw em. Renegotiate the terms...give hubby a time limit to get him a job and get him out.
Trust me...this could make you lose your marriage. Is he worth that?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Your home is your castle, what you say goes, and you gotta set limits on family and guests. My DIL hasn't set foot in my house in 10 years, cuz she cant vacate the bathroom in 60 minutes or less. Every time she goes in the bathroom its like a restoration of the Statue of Liberty. I told her ONE HOUR, and she hasn't been back. Shes not evil but when she goes in the bathroom the jackhammers and wrecking balls show up.

 

[Hypoxia]

Your home is your castle, what you say goes, and you gotta set limits on family and guests. My DIL hasn't set foot in my house in 10 years, cuz she cant vacate the bathroom in 60 minutes or less. Every time she goes in the bathroom its like a restoration of the Statue of Liberty. I told her ONE HOUR, and she hasn't been back. Shes not evil but when she goes in the bathroom the jackhammers and wrecking balls show up.

It's easiest when all your relatives have 1) died, 2) moved far away, 3) make more money than you, and/or 4) can't stand you. They're less likely to drop in and be a bother. Especially the dead ones. Although grandma's ghost still tries to hog the bath...

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

look up

Look up "enabling". The most useful definition will be associated with one or another of the alcoholics web sites. Once you figure out what is going on, stop enabling the bum's dysfunctional behavior. Tough love also comes to mind and either may help you get where you need to be. The truth is you are doing this guy no favor whatsoever by taking care of him--read "enabling". If he will not shape up (he won't), then ship him out.

 

[FGB]

Well, I can't think of anything to add that other people have not.

Sometimes doing the right thing sucks.

Hang in there and have a heart to heart talk with the hubby and tell him how you feel.

And remember to tell him you support him 100 % in whatever he decides in matters like this.

 

[NightL]

Your home is your castle, what you say goes, and you gotta set limits on family and guests. My DIL hasn't set foot in my house in 10 years, cuz she cant vacate the bathroom in 60 minutes or less. Every time she goes in the bathroom its like a restoration of the Statue of Liberty. I told her ONE HOUR, and she hasn't been back. Shes not evil but when she goes in the bathroom the jackhammers and wrecking balls show up.

Fuck - do I go near this?

Oh uncle JimblyHandOnYaJohnson, she visited, yet needed to hide... you bleated further and she said "Yes!!!" and has been so incredibly happy to not come back. Your son must be so proud.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Fuck - do I go near this?

Oh uncle JimblyHandOnYaJohnson, she visited, yet needed to hide... you bleated further and she said "Yes!!!" and has been so incredibly happy to not come back. Your son must be so proud.

It works both ways. She has admirers. She walks into walls, and looks fine when she does it.

 

[NotHisLady]

He was staying in a nursing home for homeless vets when my husband found out the situation. After visiting, H described it as "the saddest place on earth." We do not know the options for him and will start checking them out.

We are hoping he returns to work, as is he (at least he says so). His injury is keeping him from driving right now, and his overall health is poor. It's just not clear where he's headed, you know?
.

Have you contacted the nearest VA hospital about physical rehab programs for injuries like his? If he's always worked in the past it IS possible that the slowness of his recovery could be a sort of depression because he sees no chance of really getting better. (Long shot, yes but at this point any shot is better than none.)
If you could get him into a rehab it would only be temporary but it might be a sort of kick in the ass. It might also get him better enough to start looking for work again.

 

[satindesire]

Hey suge, I just wanted to pop in and let you know that if you need anything, come see me, you have my facebook. <3

 

[NippleMuncher]

One mistake that most people make is the belief that "blood is thicker than water" . . . Uh, no, no it's not!

If the father has been a derelict all his life, then maybe, just maybe the rest of the family has the right idea in not having anything to do with him. Now, having said that, I am also one to give everyone the benefit of the doubt before passing judgment, so, if the father is truly and honestly trying to make amends for his life history, and trying to better his lot in life, then by all means, help him as best you can. The problem you're having is that the father remains a derelict, alienating you, his son, and the rest of the family with his racist, and otherwise unacceptable ways.

You and hubby are not father's keepers, especially to a father who resolutely doesn't give a flying fuck about you, your home, your wishes, your life, or your charity. Hard as it may be, it's time for derelict dad to be sent to the curb, it is NOT your responsibility to take care of him. He has chosen his lot in life, he now gets to enjoy the rewards of being a bigoted asshole. Cut him loose, before the situation destroys your relationship with your hubby and the rest of the family.

 

[BertrandRussell]

... to tell him you support him 100 % in whatever he decides in matters like this.

With apologies to FGB, I must disagree. It was supporting him 100% that got you into this mess.
Support your marriage 100%.

... Can you devise an independent living space for him, even a little trailer? ...)

I like this. Get him a trailer. That way, if push comes to shove, you can hitch it to your car, tow it to the nearest VA hospital, and leave it. With him in it.

 

[amofiga]

I'm coming in late to the thread but some of what's said is on the mark. What started as a "temporary thing' is becoming a forever thing. You say your hubby agrees that it's overstepping what is reasonably expected of you and that's your key. He needs to be the one to step up, be an adult man, and explain to his father that you and he need their own life to live.

He can explain that he loves and respects his dad (even if he doesn't and he was a crappy father) but that the understanding has to be returned to him as his grown son. Certainly his father should realize that as a young man, he wouldn't have wanted to support a father that should be able to get back on his feet and become self sufficient again. It seems like you are pretty young and so your father in law isn't some ancient old man. There should be alternatives for him to re-focus his life.

Most parents do not want to be burdens to their children. Your father in law is taking advantage of you and sees his son as a push over. It's time he stood up as king of his own castle and worked out a reasonable time line.....a month, two months, to help him to find his own way. I know some may find that cruel but I look back to my own parents and to myself and I'd rather die than burden my own daughter to take care of me like that for a long time.

 

[subwannabe]

I have virtually no experience with this whatsoever but I have to say that this is your house and you shouldn't have to live like this. I'd also like to say that he is never going to get his shit together and leave. My only advice would be to turn the tables on him and make him as uncomfortable as he makes you. Do the exact opposite of what he does to you and make him so uncomfortable in your house that one day you wake up and he is gone back to the life he knows already. I just don't know if it's a good deal to buy yourselves a place in heaven at the expense of making your lives a living hell now.

 

[FGB]

With apologies to FGB, I must disagree. It was supporting him 100% that got you into this mess.
Support your marriage 100%.
.

Not married long?

That poor fucker hasn't got a chance! and she will come out of this looking like a saint!

The ways of a woman are many, subtle and damned effective!

Trust me Grasshopper...

 

[silverwhisper]

j, are things improving at all?

ed