Bring back the adventurous, kinky wife I used to have

[hangdawg]

I've started typing this, deleted it and typed again 3 times. It begins to sound like I'm rambling because I'm trying to give my wife and my background. So I give up. It will read like rambling.
As a quick background, we were married in 1992 just a couple of months before our 20th birthdays.
Because of a business we started we traveled around the country alot and out of the country a few times.
During this time our sex life was much more adventurous. I will list a few of the things so you'll get an idea of what I'm talking about. Some people will think it tame and others will think it risque.
When we lived in Wisconsin I was a salesman and she would come with me occasionally. I would get a blow job in the car or we would pull over and have sex in a park, etc. I got a blow job in a convertible with the top down while driving down the highway in New Orleans. I got a blow and sex on the balcony of our hotel overlooking the Mediterranean Sea in Nice, France. We had full on sex on the bow of a cruise ship on its way to the Bahama's with people standing right next to us watching. We've made special trips to a little bit secluded park and had oral, mutual masturbation and sex.
There are more examples like this, but, you get the idea. And, of course, sex wasn't like that every single time. But, even the, whatever you'd like to call it, "regular sex" wasn't just the same old same old. Kiss, I touch her, she touches me, me doing oral, her on top and fifteen minutes later done.
Fast forward to 2004 and my daughter is born. First and only child. Sex died dramatically and I attributed it to a baby, post partum, etc. All the usual things that go along with a child being born.
Since then sex is very sparse. Once every 2-3 weeks and it is the kind of sex like I referenced above that is basically choreographed and done in fifteen minutes.
We have discussions about it and she says she will have sex anytime, but, when I bring it up half the time it's like I'm talking to a wall and the other half she says yes but then goes somewhere else or starts up a project and just doesn't.
When we do manage to have sex she tells me how horny she is, which is true because she's wet before I even touch her. She always has been and continues to be easily orgasmic. Very seldom does she not cum. She says she enjoys sex when we do it. So all of that added together frustrates me to no end because we just don't have sex.
I know no one can tell me what to do because I can't possibly give you all of the nuances of us being together and living our lives. I am hoping someone has been in a similar situation or someone is creative enough to come up with some help for both my wife and myself.
If you need more info. go ahead and ask. Probably I will answer the question. I also assume some will give some advice that I've tried. I'm not just sitting around waiting for her libido to rev back up on its own. But, go ahead and advise away!

 

[Monica_112]

Get someone to sit the kid for a week and go away just the two of you

 

[swingerjoe]

Brother, you've asked an age-old question. I think every married man has been in your shoes, and has asked the same question. You can only take so many rejections -- from your own wife! -- before you start to take it personally and question your own attractiveness, desirability, etc.. The good news is: it's probably not you; it's her. The bad news: there's not much you can do about it.

I recently wrote a story in which I mentioned a study that was conducted a few years ago, involving more than one hundred couples. They were asked to give a rating from 1-5 on their satisfaction with their relationship, their sex life, and their sexual desire.

Regardless of age or the length of their relationships, men showed no discernible decline in any of those three ratings. Women were also shown to be equally satisfied with their relationships and sex lives regardless of the length of their relationships. However...with each and every additional year into their relationship, women rated themselves lower in terms of sexual desire.

In other words, we're doomed. For a variety of reasons, once a woman enters into a relationship, her sex drive plummets with each and every passing year. Of course, all women are different, and this pattern doesn't apply to every woman or every relationship. But anecdotally, if you were to survey your married friends, you would find this to be true more often than not.

Now...I have discovered a solution to this problem, but you're probably not going to like it. However, again, by surveying other men who employed the same solution, it seems that it isn't a mere coincidence.

Like you, my sex life was great when I first married my wife. But slowly and steadily, her libido plummeted, to the point where, after 16 years of marriage, it had become dull, routine and unsatisfying for both of us. I did everything I could think of to spice things up: introducing "toys", taking her on dates, paying extra attention to her needs, doing more and more of the household chores to ensure she was as relaxed as possible, complimenting her constantly, etc.,etc.. NOTHING worked.

Then, one day, her libido spiked to a level that I had never seen before -- even when we were dating. She wanted to have sex constantly. Not only that, but she wanted to have the type of fun, kinky and adventurous sex you described in your post. Within two weeks, I had experienced every fantasy I ever had about having sex with her. And her libido stayed at that level, more or less, for more than two years afterward.

What was this mystery solution? As you might guess from my user name, we began swinging.

It's a radical solution, I realize, and I wouldn't recommend it for most couples. But if you are in a secure relationship where trust and communication are paramount, it works. Not only did it work for us, but every other swinging couple I know.

Here's the thing: you can compliment your wife all day long, every day of the week, and it will go in one ear and out the other. But if another man compliments her, suddenly she feels sexy and wanted. And simply feeling desirable gives a boost to her libido.

You don't even have to actually swing to get that same desired effect. My wife's libido spiked simply by talking about swinging -- and it stayed at that level for weeks before we actually did anything with anyone else. So, if swinging is out of the question, there are plenty of alternatives that would achieve the same desired effect:

-- Take sexy photos of her and post them online. The compliments she gets will go a long way toward boosting her confidence and libido.

-- Go to a bar together, sit away from her for a while and watch the guys hit on her.

-- Ask her to share her fantasies with you. Maybe even write a Lit story.

-- Take her out to dinner, and have her dress incredibly sexy, with no underwear. See if she can get someone to notice.

-- Blindfold her when you have sex, and pretend you are someone else.

Those are just a few suggestions. I'm sure there are plenty of others that would work just as well. Of course, after swinging for a couple of years, my wife lost interest, and her libido instantly plummeted to our pre-swinging days. I'm now in the same boat as you. So take my advice with a grain of salt.

And that, my friend, is my long and rambling response to your long and rambling post! I hope that helps.

 

[CZSteve]

Has she had her hormone levels checked?
Of all things my wife found out that her testosterone was low (obviously women have testosterone also, just much lower levels compared to men).
She's gone with the injected pellets and has her levels checked per visit.
(I've been doing gel therapy also FWIW; approaching 50)

This made a world of difference. Now sometimes the biggest problem is fighting about who's gets to give oral... At least there's a mathematical equation that solves that dilemma

 

[albertaboy]

Get someone to sit the kid for a week and go away just the two of you

What Monica said.

Vacations without the kids, best thing ever happened to my marriage.

 

[hangdawg]

Thanks for the responses so far.
First post and third post - problem with that is my family all lives hundreds of miles away and her family is a nightmare that thankfully lives fifteen hundred miles away. We don't really have anyone willing and/or that I trust enough here to take off for a week.
Second post - that's funny. You're the second person who's mentioned swinging. I am fairly certain that that is not up her alley and I'm not positive I could manage with someone else having sex with my wife.
But, again, thanks for the posts

 

[silverwhisper]

hangdawg, you're obviously employed. this means your wife and the mother of your daughter either is or isn't also employed. either way though: what is the division of housework in your home? if you're really honest, would you say that you are contributing 50%--esp if she too is working?

that women are better than me (generally) at multitasking is well known. for my part, even though we have no children, i know my wife is going to go & sees to things that need doing when i'm certainly not thinking about them.

my point here however is this: my suspicion is that your wife may be preoccupied by all the everyday tasks that need doing to keep your household humming. and certainly a number of the female regulars here have made mention of this on a number of occasions over the many threads that have been posted here.

ed

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[swingerjoe]

Re. the housework issue, a recent article in the New York Times stated:

A study called “Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” which appeared in The American Sociological Review last year, surprised many, precisely because it went against the logical assumption that as marriages improve by becoming more equal, the sex in these marriages will improve, too. Instead, it found that when men did certain kinds of chores around the house, couples had less sex. Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car. It wasn’t just the frequency that was affected, either — at least for the wives. The more traditional the division of labor, meaning the greater the husband’s share of masculine chores compared with feminine ones, the greater his wife’s reported sexual satisfaction.

So, perhaps the solution is to do less around the house. (I'm kidding, of course.)

 

[NightL]

You are asking strangers for advice about someone you are not connecting with, but we don't know her and it would appear that you don't really know either. Maybe it is about time to find out who she really is - by talking to her. Then LISTEN to her very attentively!!!

So rather than "Bring back the adventurous, kinky wife I used to have" ask yourself, and her, why she has lost interest in you.

 

[hangdawg]

hangdawg, you're obviously employed. this means your wife and the mother of your daughter either is or isn't also employed. either way though: what is the division of housework in your home? if you're really honest, would you say that you are contributing 50%--esp if she too is working?

that women are better than me (generally) at multitasking is well known. for my part, even though we have no children, i know my wife is going to go & sees to things that need doing when i'm certainly not thinking about them.

my point here however is this: my suspicion is that your wife may be preoccupied by all the everyday tasks that need doing to keep your household humming. and certainly a number of the female regulars here have made mention of this on a number of occasions over the many threads that have been posted here.

ed

I own a remodeling business, she works selling photography and digital art online very part time.
Honestly, I do probably 15-20% of the housework. I will help more on the weekends when I'm not working. It's also been our arrangement since we were first married that I do the dinner cooking. I enjoy it and I cook far better than her(which she will corroborate).
On one hand I can see your point of her being busy. However, I am doing a little bit of the housework as well as running a business with employees. I multitask alot everyday. Where's the disconnect?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You are asking strangers for advice about someone you are not connecting with, but we don't know her and it would appear that you don't really know either. Maybe it is about time to find out who she really is - by talking to her. Then LISTEN to her very attentively!!!

So rather than "Bring back the adventurous, kinky wife I used to have" ask yourself, and her, why she has lost interest in you.

Isnt such a cluster fuck your forte?

 

[TeaforMe]

You need to seduce her and make her want you, not just agree to sex.. Life is busy and exhausting with children, and sorry but "bringing it up" isn't enough.

Being a mom of three kids and still managing an active sex life, I concur with Rainshine's advice wholeheartedly.

I am not a fan of when my husband mentions having sex in the same tone as ordering a dub at Subway, but when he instead, comes up behind me and starts placing seductive kisses on the back of my neck, it's on! Point is, sexy is a state of mind, help set the tone and never bring negativity to the bedroom.

 

[hangdawg]

Re. the housework issue, a recent article in the New York Times stated:



So, perhaps the solution is to do less around the house. (I'm kidding, of course.)

Guess I have to stop cooking now

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I hate to get all talk-show hostess.. but sometimes the problem isn't listening. sometimes it even goes back to "how did you ask the question?" I've got to tell you - if I'm feeling a little "one way or the other" about sex and a man says, "we should have sex" to get me going, it's just not happening. I want him to want me long after the sex is gone. If she's willing but then seems like she's going through the motions, then the sex just isn't doing it for her. It's not about her desire. She desired you enough to get naked, lay down with you, and go through it.

Sometimes your child whines and whines and whines and whines for that little toy in the store.. and you want to buy it but you keep saying "no" because the child is on your nerves about it. Finally you buy .. but you don't get the same kind of joy from the purchase that you would have if it was something you picked out especially for the child and surprised him with later. Well.. sex is like that. It has to be done at the right time, with the right mood, and you need to feel like you're giving the best gift of your life and not just some shut-up toy.

(and it works in reverse too.. I'm not saying that it's just one sided)

I think the vacation is a great idea.. even if it's just a day trip. Spend time together. Please don't end the date with "are you going to want to have sex?" If the moment is right.. just lean into her and let her know without words. What I've "learned" from friends is that they need to be habitual for the mood to cross into normal life. People who are active together, in my opinion, have more to share in the down time.

 

[hangdawg]

You need to seduce her and make her want you, not just agree to sex.. Life is busy and exhausting with children, and sorry but "bringing it up" isn't enough.

You are asking strangers for advice about someone you are not connecting with, but we don't know her and it would appear that you don't really know either. Maybe it is about time to find out who she really is - by talking to her. Then LISTEN to her very attentively!!!

So rather than "Bring back the adventurous, kinky wife I used to have" ask yourself, and her, why she has lost interest in you.

You both have said very similar things. And to be clear it's not like I just sit on the couch like a slug.
I have taken a couple month stint where I was purposefully extra loving (whispers in her ear, kisses, etc.), extra attentive (flowers, buying gifts she off handedly mentioned she would enjoy), doing extra housework. Nothing really seemed to change except my behavior. It's not like I was only doing those things just for her, but, when it's typed out it sounds devious and selfish. But in the end having done those things and not seen any reciprocation it's hard to continue.
I think Albert Einstein said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results".
So maybe the answer is that she has lost interest in me. I will look into that.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You need to seduce her and make her want you, not just agree to sex.. Life is busy and exhausting with children, and sorry but "bringing it up" isn't enough.

Youre clueless about luv. Its not, as you imagine, a candlelite affair at Chez Golden Arches. I refer you to the scene in GWTW where Melanie is swapping lies with Scarlet and Mammy, and Melanie see's Ashley turn on to the plantation drive from the road. She didn't give him time to bathe!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W77q1S8EW3c

 

[hangdawg]

I hate to get all talk-show hostess.. but sometimes the problem isn't listening. sometimes it even goes back to "how did you ask the question?" I've got to tell you - if I'm feeling a little "one way or the other" about sex and a man says, "we should have sex" to get me going, it's just not happening. I want him to want me long after the sex is gone. If she's willing but then seems like she's going through the motions, then the sex just isn't doing it for her. It's not about her desire. She desired you enough to get naked, lay down with you, and go through it.

Sometimes your child whines and whines and whines and whines for that little toy in the store.. and you want to buy it but you keep saying "no" because the child is on your nerves about it. Finally you buy .. but you don't get the same kind of joy from the purchase that you would have if it was something you picked out especially for the child and surprised him with later. Well.. sex is like that. It has to be done at the right time, with the right mood, and you need to feel like you're giving the best gift of your life and not just some shut-up toy.

(and it works in reverse too.. I'm not saying that it's just one sided)

I think the vacation is a great idea.. even if it's just a day trip. Spend time together. Please don't end the date with "are you going to want to have sex?" If the moment is right.. just lean into her and let her know without words. What I've "learned" from friends is that they need to be habitual for the mood to cross into normal life. People who are active together, in my opinion, have more to share in the down time.

This makes sense. I certainly could afford to be more expressive of my love and interest during the day to day grind. Thanks

 

[NightL]

Uncle Jimblybeeps - it is my stock standard answer - Communication.

hangdawg, what was her response when you asked her what had contributed to the change of outlook, what was impacting, missing - what was needed? What was her response to those direct questions?

 

[NightL]

Find out where she is at - she may have just moved on from that level of interest or maybe just tired.

Love her - support her - you will get your turn again (or not)

 

[adventrkupl]

Kinky wife

I'm not just sitting around waiting for her libido to rev back up on its own. /QUOTE]

Been there pal. You want things to be like they were? Not going to happen. You're in the construction business right? How have things changed the past few years? Think they'll ever be the same again? But you've adapted and found ways to survive.

You need to take the same approach. That cute adventurous wife is a thing of the past as you remember her. You need to look at this from another angle. Can she be adventurous and exciting again? Sure, but understand the changes not only in her lifestyle right now but her body.

You were in your mid 20's in 92? So you're in your mid 40's now. Her body could be going through the inevitable changes. There's the start of the issue. Not as easy as just seducing her or washing the dishes and all is magic again.

My advice as someone who has been there? Redefine what adventurous means to you. Show her you accept her the way she is now and the woman she is becoming. Prove to her that maturity is sexy in it's own right and you look forward to experiencing it with her.

Make sure she's taking the right supplements and get plenty of exercise. Also take walks together. It's a great time to open up and talk about all sorts things.

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[hangdawg]

Uncle Jimblybeeps - it is my stock standard answer - Communication.

hangdawg, what was her response when you asked her what had contributed to the change of outlook, what was impacting, missing - what was needed? What was her response to those direct questions?

The last conversation about this that we had, which was last week, was that she doesn't feel good about herself.
We hadn't really talked about anything to in depth for quite some time. That actually was the last thing I would have expected because I think she's a courageous, beautiful and sexy woman. It opened my eyes, however. That conversation is what spawned this posting on "How to". I realized I needed to do more.

 

[hangdawg]

I'm not just sitting around waiting for her libido to rev back up on its own. /QUOTE]

Been there pal. You want things to be like they were? Not going to happen. You're in the construction business right? How have things changed the past few years? Think they'll ever be the same again? But you've adapted and found ways to survive.

You need to take the same approach. That cute adventurous wife is a thing of the past as you remember her. You need to look at this from another angle. Can she be adventurous and exciting again? Sure, but understand the changes not only in her lifestyle right now but her body.

You were in your mid 20's in 92? So you're in your mid 40's now. Her body could be going through the inevitable changes. There's the start of the issue. Not as easy as just seducing her or washing the dishes and all is magic again.

My advice as someone who has been there? Redefine what adventurous means to you. Show her you accept her the way she is now and the woman she is becoming. Prove to her that maturity is sexy in it's own right and you look forward to experiencing it with her.

Make sure she's taking the right supplements and get plenty of exercise. Also take walks together. It's a great time to open up and talk about all sorts things.

I would have to disagree here. I don't believe that any individual should settle for mediocrity. You have one physical life here. We are capable of such an amazing thing, we just have to open up to those things. And this goes for any situation in life, not just my posting on Lit.
To use your analogy, I have customers that I need to satisfy to both fulfill my contract and to get a final payment. They won't settle for a mediocre bathroom or kitchen remodel because I've been doing this for 18 years and I'm tired, or thinking of something else, or not adventurous enough, or have been doing this for quite a long time.
I will not give up and roll over for mediocrity!

 

[swingerjoe]

The last conversation about this that we had, which was last week, was that she doesn't feel good about herself.

Ah...finally. We come to the real problem.

In other words, OP, it isn't you: it's her. And no matter how many times you tell her it's not her....it's still her.

This all gets back to what I originally posted. And believe me, I understand that most people aren't on board with what I suggested. That's why I took the time to describe other methods that would work just as well without that suggestion. Seriously, all it takes is a tiny bit of effort on the husband's part.