lost and need help, please.

[StrayKat]

One could argue he could have been less a dick about it though.

 

[isabellepain]

I do agree that hurts regardless, however contrary to popular opinion, I do think it is felt on a more intense level in a D/s dynamic.

 

[Endless_Night]

No offense, but of course he did the right thing - he ended the relationship. And there is no way to do it without hurting the other person.

Kinda have to agree with this. Unless both parties are ready to exit one party is going to be hurt. Regardless of the circumstances.

That said, I'm sorry you're hurting, juliaa801. This type of heartache is miserable.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

I do agree that hurts regardless, however contrary to popular opinion, I do think it is felt on a more intense level in a D/s dynamic.

I see what you mean, as allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is part of the /s dynamic.

Hugs to you, Julia, and I'm pleased for your sake that you had the strength to reach out for support here. As others have mentioned, it appears that this was not going to work out, that he was not being truthful with you, so in truth it is best ended before the stickiness of transplanting you was carried out.

Turning your heart against him will help you feel better. Learn your lesson, but don't become bitter. Besides, now you will be free when the right one comes along

 

[juliaa801]

One could argue he could have been less a dick about it though.

thank you,

 

[juliaa801]

Kinda have to agree with this. Unless both parties are ready to exit one party is going to be hurt. Regardless of the circumstances.

That said, I'm sorry you're hurting, juliaa801. This type of heartache is miserable.

here's the thing, one week we were making solid plans to be together in Germany from mid July through September. Flights were being selected, arrangements were being made. i have never trusted or surrendered myself to anyone, ever, on this level before.
one day, he is declaring his love, proclaiming his excitement and telling me about all the plans he's making. then i hear a few thing about work, and how happy he was, his life was coming together. then nothing.
then after a week all i get is ' i didn't go to the pub planning on meeting a woman there. it's all happened so quickly, but she and i are together '.
HOW DID HE DO ANYTHING RIGHT????? after 3 years, that's all i get? so, yes i am hurt. now i'm moving towards pissed. i think psycho bitch is next...
but for the most part, the insight here has helped me so, so much. and i hope he gets his foreskin stuck in his zipper.

 

[shy slave]

Julia - Missing red flags happens. Don't be hard on yourself for having missed them, following our hearts sometimes makes us idiots

Two years ago I was dating a man. He lived a three hour drive from me and each weekend I visited him as he had his teenage kids at weekends so coming to me was difficult.

One Sunday evening as I was about to head home he asked me to move in with him, ring my boss and jack it all in to be with him. I said I couldn't leave them in the lurch with just few hours notice. I had been job hunting near to where he lived with the plan of being closer to him (I have moved so many times, that I was not leaving family, friends etc, just a well paid job). Two weeks later he ended it by text.

It was a heck of a shock, so unexpected and without any hint there was an issue. I mat with him in a service station, he could not explain why, there was no-one else, he just didn't want me any more.

Through social media his second wife messaged me, asked if I was ok, the kids were worried as had not seen me and he would not say where I was. They thought I was ill. I spoke to her for hours online and by phone and am still in touch with her.

His ex has known him 20 years, she believes that asking me to jack in my job was a test, I didn't do it, so in his eyes; I failed.

This is the reality of how he was:

He earned 2.5 times what he told me he earned and yet never once paid for my fuel to get to him, nor did he offer.
He was not paying the level of child support, nor the mortgage on his 1st and 2nd wives property, that he said he paid out every month
He was not broke
He had hardly seen his kids before he started dating me, which was not the impression he had given me.
His first wife had put him through school and his second wife through further advanced education - he studied, they worked.
He told no-one in his family (not even his kids) he had married a third time to a woman he was now divorcing.
He moved in with someone after he and I ended, lived with her for a year and has now left her.

In a nutshell, everything I knew about him was not quite who he was. It wasn't all outright lies, but misdirection and lying by omission.

I stayed in his home every weekend for months, and never saw the red flags; in part because we saw a great deal of his mother, but rarely met his friends and never met friends who had known him for a number of years.

Without meeting people he knew - friends and work people - picking up on conversations and seeing how he was with them, I had no point of reference with which to have my suspicions raised. He compartmentalised his life to such an extent that I believe everyone he met was duped in some way.

It has taken a while for me to trust people again, not just dates or men, but people in general.

I have been on dates, vanilla dates with men I like, but don't have a lust interest in. That helps, it has got me back into remembering that not all people lie, and not all people are not completely truthful to themselves.

I really believe there are times when the heart is an idiot, and if a person chooses to hide from us, we don't always see the red flags

 

[Aphro]

here's the thing, one week we were making solid plans to be together in Germany from mid July through September. Flights were being selected, arrangements were being made. i have never trusted or surrendered myself to anyone, ever, on this level before.
one day, he is declaring his love, proclaiming his excitement and telling me about all the plans he's making. then i hear a few thing about work, and how happy he was, his life was coming together. then nothing.
then after a week all i get is ' i didn't go to the pub planning on meeting a woman there. it's all happened so quickly, but she and i are together '.
HOW DID HE DO ANYTHING RIGHT????? after 3 years, that's all i get? so, yes i am hurt. now i'm moving towards pissed. i think psycho bitch is next...
but for the most part, the insight here has helped me so, so much. and i hope he gets his foreskin stuck in his zipper.

Your far kinder than I would be. I would be wanting more than his foreskin stuck in his fly.

He may get bored of whoever this new woman is who has taken his fancy so suddenly. Or, vice versa. If and/or when that happens, he may come crawling back to you with apologies and stories of temporary insanity. I hope your self worth is such that you will not be tempted or swayed to return to the status quo with him.

Sorry you are dealing with this schmuck.

 

[subwannabe]

How do you cope? Thank your lucky stars that it did not work out. Seriously. It might take you a little while but hopefully in the end you will realize how lucky you really were.

 

[All_4_Love]

and i hope he gets his foreskin stuck in his zipper.

I second this motion...

He may get bored of whoever this new woman is who has taken his fancy so suddenly. Or, vice versa. If and/or when that happens, he may come crawling back to you with apologies and stories of temporary insanity. I hope your self worth is such that you will not be tempted or swayed to return to the status quo with him.

...And this one, too.

Here's to a better day today than yesterday, Julia.

Here! I brought you something... It's a bouquet of s

 

[DVS]

Julia - Missing red flags happens. Don't be hard on yourself for having missed them, following our hearts sometimes makes us idiots

Two years ago I was dating a man. He lived a three hour drive from me and each weekend I visited him as he had his teenage kids at weekends so coming to me was difficult.

One Sunday evening as I was about to head home he asked me to move in with him, ring my boss and jack it all in to be with him. I said I couldn't leave them in the lurch with just few hours notice. I had been job hunting near to where he lived with the plan of being closer to him (I have moved so many times, that I was not leaving family, friends etc, just a well paid job). Two weeks later he ended it by text.

It was a heck of a shock, so unexpected and without any hint there was an issue. I mat with him in a service station, he could not explain why, there was no-one else, he just didn't want me any more.

Through social media his second wife messaged me, asked if I was ok, the kids were worried as had not seen me and he would not say where I was. They thought I was ill. I spoke to her for hours online and by phone and am still in touch with her.

His ex has known him 20 years, she believes that asking me to jack in my job was a test, I didn't do it, so in his eyes; I failed.

This is the reality of how he was:

He earned 2.5 times what he told me he earned and yet never once paid for my fuel to get to him, nor did he offer.
He was not paying the level of child support, nor the mortgage on his 1st and 2nd wives property, that he said he paid out every month
He was not broke
He had hardly seen his kids before he started dating me, which was not the impression he had given me.
His first wife had put him through school and his second wife through further advanced education - he studied, they worked.
He told no-one in his family (not even his kids) he had married a third time to a woman he was now divorcing.
He moved in with someone after he and I ended, lived with her for a year and has now left her.

In a nutshell, everything I knew about him was not quite who he was. It wasn't all outright lies, but misdirection and lying by omission.

I stayed in his home every weekend for months, and never saw the red flags; in part because we saw a great deal of his mother, but rarely met his friends and never met friends who had known him for a number of years.

Without meeting people he knew - friends and work people - picking up on conversations and seeing how he was with them, I had no point of reference with which to have my suspicions raised. He compartmentalised his life to such an extent that I believe everyone he met was duped in some way.

It has taken a while for me to trust people again, not just dates or men, but people in general.

I have been on dates, vanilla dates with men I like, but don't have a lust interest in. That helps, it has got me back into remembering that not all people lie, and not all people are not completely truthful to themselves.

I really believe there are times when the heart is an idiot, and if a person chooses to hide from us, we don't always see the red flags

That's a sad story, but as I'm sure you probably know, it's not that uncommon. There are variations of this story all over. For whatever reason, people lie to get what they want. Some are little white lies, but some can be very involved, as in your story.

We also have those sociopaths and psychopaths that prey on unsuspecting newbies just finding out about their new found sexual desires. The newbies are head over heals for a guy they feel is the reason for their new sexual feelings and the guy knows he has her exactly where he wants her. Sometimes that results in a very bad situation. Sometimes, they never find the body.

Then, there are guys like your situation and like the one juliaa801 has told about. Who knows why they lied about their situation. Maybe they had trouble with relationships, or maybe they had to somehow always have the upper hand. So, just in case things didn't work out, it was easy for them to cut and run. That doesn't make it right.

There are many reasons why someone would lie, but it's not that uncommon. And it's gotten worse, with online relationships being more common. I'm not saying every online relationship is entrenched in lies. There are just as many relationships that have started online based on honesty as there are those based on lies. We just don't hear about the good ones as often.

But, even though these people find it so easy to lie to someone, they often fail to understand or care about the hurt that is caused when that lie is discovered. How many have sent a picture of someone else or lied about their weight? They are only delaying the inevitable. What is accomplished by these lies?

And it's very easy to break up online. It's not a nice way to do it, and rather selfish. But that could be one reason it happens that way. Sometimes, you just stop hearing from them, because they don't care enough to tell you. At least this guy told juliaa801. And we can only hope it was the truth, because in an online relationship, it's very easy to base the whole thing on lies.

I don't want to say an online relationship is a bad thing. I do want to say that you need to go into any relationship with your eyes wide open. And an online relationship has that extra bit to worry about, because it's so easy for them to pretend they are your prince charming. Keep your heart to yourself until you are sure this person is real. I don't have the answers to how you can do that for sure, because there are some pretty sneaky people out there and some are quite good at it.

But you have to be a bit of a private investigator, I guess. Be inquisitive. Ask questions and really listen to the answers. Start with innocent questions, that anybody would ask. Slowly move on to more serious questions. Did he answer the questions or did it seem like he was being evasive or did he try to change the subject? Did he seem nervous or even get mad at the question?

If you talk on the phone, listen to the inflections in his voice, hesitations in his speech as if he's thinking of an answer, or he answers quickly, as if to cut you off. Be sly. It's not easy to catch a liar at his own game. After a period of time, ask the same innocent questions again, but maybe in a different way. Do you get the same answer? Over time, keep a record of all of this. Compile these things into a personality to see if these two men are the same.

Don't let your sexual desires cloud your better judgement. Don't make decisions on impulse. Don't change your whole life to be with him, until you know him. And how do you know him? Maybe after being hurt a few times by someone else? You get wiser with the pain.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I do get that this is the trash the ex stage of grief and yes it was shitty behaviour. A little foreskin stuck in zipper is probably quite reasonable.

That said, it isn't necessarily about psycho, bad dom preying on newbie. It could just as well be just about a confused human with a severe case of cold feet.

Shy, it sounds like only just got away. Moving in with that one doesn't seem the best thing that could happen.

 

[KoPilot]

Julia - Missing red flags happens. Don't be hard on yourself for having missed them, following our hearts sometimes makes us idiots

Oh boy, my turn! Granted, I was really young-- in HS during all this.

So I met a guy online one day, and we hit it off pretty well. Started off as chat buddies, nothing really intense. Eventually we started getting romantically involved ("romantically" in my case because I'm on the aromantic spectrum and most romance is coercive to me, and at this age I didn't know better one bit), and then about a year after we started talking, he dropped the L bomb and proclaimed his love for me. I was what, 16? I took him at his word and just assumed that I felt the same.

Things did get more serious as time went on. We started calling almost every day, and chatting at every opportunity. To be quite honest, I don't remember too many of the good moments, so I'm gonna start with my list of red flags that took me years to process and acknowledge:

- He claimed he didn't have a cell phone and only ever gave me his house phone to call, despite having an active social life. He maintained that he didn't have a cell phone, even while away at college.
- I sent him mail at least half a dozen times over the course of our correspondence; he managed one.
- He barely acknowledged me on Facebook.
- He deleted his Facebook after I discovered pictures of him kissing another girl at a party.
- He continually made plans to visit me (he lived across the country), and talked at length about those plans, but they always managed to fall through.
- He talked at length about visiting while I was vacationing with family in the neighboring state, which I did several times over those 4 years, but those plans always managed to fall through.
- He played a part in pressuring me to attend a college on the east coast so that we could be closer, but expressed little enthusiasm when I got accepted into my school of choice there.
- He'd make up lies that were, in retrospect, pretty outrageous. Like a failing grade he got in a class that, if he'd failed, he'd have to enlist because suddenly he wouldn't be able to attend college anymore?? which he turned around with a little clever fraud. Or that time that he claimed to have gotten a big tattoo after his 18th birthday and then much later told me I was silly for mistakenly thinking that he'd had any tattoos. Or the time that he claimed that he was so broke that he was starving and got mad at me for not doing anything about it. And so on.
- He was the first one out of the two of us to liberally drop L bombs, but over the next year or so he stopped telling me that he loved me almost completely unless I got on my hands and knees about it and doted on his ego.
- He would stop talking to me after petty arguments for weeks at a time and then pretend that nothing happened afterward.

Eventually I found myself so lukewarm about him that one day I just broke it off. He pleaded with me to still be friends, to which I relented, but literally once that long chat conversation was over I never heard from him again.

But yes, I know all too well about how these things can so easily be played down and explained away in the moment, taking years of unlearning and analysis to uncover them. It's shitty, but those moments of realization don't always happen when it's best for them to.

Good luck, OP, and don't feel obligated to tone down the rage one bit.

 

[StrayKat]

Be inquisitive. Ask questions and really listen to the answers. Start with innocent questions, that anybody would ask. Slowly move on to more serious questions. Did he answer the questions or did it seem like he was being evasive or did he try to change the subject? Did he seem nervous or even get mad at the question?

If you talk on the phone, listen to the inflections in his voice, hesitations in his speech as if he's thinking of an answer, or he answers quickly, as if to cut you off. Be sly. It's not easy to catch a liar at his own game. After a period of time, ask the same innocent questions again, but maybe in a different way. Do you get the same answer? Over time, keep a record of all of this. Compile these things into a personality to see if these two men are the same.

If everyone would follow this there would be much less hurt people in the cyber world.

You have to develop a 6th sense online, period. Be at your most emphatic and paranoid. If even the smallest thing doesnt sound right treat it like a huge red flag and dont give up until you are sure what is it about.
Keep records of every chat, mail, text, re-read it several times. Try to switch off all the "he is so wonderful" vibe and be as cynical possible. Try to be your Mother or overprotective friend, what would they think of him?
They do give themselves away most of the time if you only pay attention.

I know it sounds like a lot of work and not everyone is prone to being mistrustful and sneaky. Personally I am (un)lucky to always see the worst in people and look for hidden agendas, but in 14 years of online flirting, relationships and dating, I have yet to meet someone who can fool me in any way. I met irl more than few men I first met online and every one of them was exactly what I thought he was.
In my book its a matter of survival and I dont treat it lightly (another matter is that I get my adrenaline thrill on the chance I might lose that game for once, but then I guess I am not the only one with something not exactly right in her head).

 

[Primalex]

One could argue he could have been less a dick about it though.

If someone would argue that way, I would ask:
like how...?

- End his relationship the very day he met someone else?

- Continue to talk with her and mumble "I love you, too" with crossed fingers, while he is considering dumping her?

- A little warning? "Honey, I've met someone I've fallen in love with and who actually sucks my cock in real life, I'm trying to figure out if this is going to work with her, if it does, I'll leave you. Call you in a week."

 

[IrisAlthea]

- A little warning? "Honey, I've met someone I've fallen in love with and who actually sucks my cock in real life, I'm trying to figure out if this is going to work with her, if it does, I'll leave you. Call you in a week."

Truth is sometimes very close to comedy, isn't it.

 

[StrayKat]

- A little warning? "Honey, I've met someone I've fallen in love with and who actually sucks my cock in real life, I'm trying to figure out if this is going to work with her, if it does, I'll leave you. Call you in a week."

I would take this option. I may still feel like paying him a visit for a charge free castration, but at least I wouldnt call him a lying cheating bastard.

 

[shy slave]

Dvs you are right, stories like Julias, mine and KoPilots are not uncommon.
There are some variables, age we were idiots (I was 44, KoPilot 16), whether online or face to face, but the result is the same, some people are just not who they say they are; uncovering that isn't always easy.

I did laugh at the ideas given on foreskins trapped in zippers etc, but from personal experience the glee from that kind of thing doesn't always last.

The best revenge, find someone who isn't like him and enjoy the rest of your life. Foreskin stuck in the zipper moments just can't compete with that, although they do make a good after dinner story

 

[Primalex]

I would take this option.

He would be still a dick about it, just an arrogant dick.

 

[StrayKat]

I like honest arrogant dicks more than plain dicks.

 

[DVS]

Dvs you are right, stories like Julias, mine and KoPilots are not uncommon.
There are some variables, age we were idiots (I was 44, KoPilot 16), whether online or face to face, but the result is the same, some people are just not who they say they are; uncovering that isn't always easy.

I did laugh at the ideas given on foreskins trapped in zippers etc, but from personal experience the glee from that kind of thing doesn't always last.

The best revenge, find someone who isn't like him and enjoy the rest of your life. Foreskin stuck in the zipper moments just can't compete with that, although they do make a good after dinner story

Age is sometimes a factor, but not always. A lot of the time it's just our desire to be a couple instead of just one. We all have that inside. Well, most of us do. And when somebody tweaks that feeling, it can kind of overpower our common sense.

And it isn't just in love connections. I've been bitten more than once when I trusted someone in a business deal of some sort. And years ago, my house was burglarized and police said it was somebody I knew, because they knew right were to go to get some things. That's always a pleasant thing to hear. To this day, I still don't know who it was.

There are crooks and thieves and creeps all around us. Unfortunately, we can't let our guard down until we know someone is trustworthy. It sucks, but that's the world we live in.

But when you all talk about the foreskin and zipper thing...I've experienced that and it hurts. I do wish you'd stop bringing it up!

 

[All_4_Love]

There are crooks and thieves and creeps all around us. Unfortunately, we can't let our guard down until we know someone is trustworthy. It sucks, but that's the world we live in.

Thank you. These types of reminders are appreciated, and indeed, always warranted, especially where us "newbies" are concerned.

 

[juliaa801]

Julia - Missing red flags happens. Don't be hard on yourself for having missed them, following our hearts sometimes makes us idiots

Two years ago I was dating a man. He lived a three hour drive from me and each weekend I visited him as he had his teenage kids at weekends so coming to me was difficult.

One Sunday evening as I was about to head home he asked me to move in with him, ring my boss and jack it all in to be with him. I said I couldn't leave them in the lurch with just few hours notice. I had been job hunting near to where he lived with the plan of being closer to him (I have moved so many times, that I was not leaving family, friends etc, just a well paid job). Two weeks later he ended it by text.

It was a heck of a shock, so unexpected and without any hint there was an issue. I mat with him in a service station, he could not explain why, there was no-one else, he just didn't want me any more.

Through social media his second wife messaged me, asked if I was ok, the kids were worried as had not seen me and he would not say where I was. They thought I was ill. I spoke to her for hours online and by phone and am still in touch with her.

His ex has known him 20 years, she believes that asking me to jack in my job was a test, I didn't do it, so in his eyes; I failed.

This is the reality of how he was:

He earned 2.5 times what he told me he earned and yet never once paid for my fuel to get to him, nor did he offer.
He was not paying the level of child support, nor the mortgage on his 1st and 2nd wives property, that he said he paid out every month
He was not broke
He had hardly seen his kids before he started dating me, which was not the impression he had given me.
His first wife had put him through school and his second wife through further advanced education - he studied, they worked.
He told no-one in his family (not even his kids) he had married a third time to a woman he was now divorcing.
He moved in with someone after he and I ended, lived with her for a year and has now left her.

In a nutshell, everything I knew about him was not quite who he was. It wasn't all outright lies, but misdirection and lying by omission.

I stayed in his home every weekend for months, and never saw the red flags; in part because we saw a great deal of his mother, but rarely met his friends and never met friends who had known him for a number of years.

Without meeting people he knew - friends and work people - picking up on conversations and seeing how he was with them, I had no point of reference with which to have my suspicions raised. He compartmentalised his life to such an extent that I believe everyone he met was duped in some way.

It has taken a while for me to trust people again, not just dates or men, but people in general.

I have been on dates, vanilla dates with men I like, but don't have a lust interest in. That helps, it has got me back into remembering that not all people lie, and not all people are not completely truthful to themselves.

I really believe there are times when the heart is an idiot, and if a person chooses to hide from us, we don't always see the red flags

What a despicable jerk. WOW... all i have to say is THAT man is not fit for you or any of his ex women to wipe their feet, or anything else on. f*&k me>

 

[juliaa801]

He would be still a dick about it, just an arrogant dick.

devil's advocate, much?
just feel like after 3 years, when we're in the middle of making flight plans, and him telling me about all the places he was going to take me, he could have mentioned that "hey, i'm not so sure i am really ready for this." instead of sending me pics of bondage items he purchased, toys, etc. he could have said "i have to be honest with you, i met some one the other night, please understand..." not "I LOVE YOU!!!! will SMS later" then nothing for a week, followed by what i got about meeting a woman in a bar and moving in with her the next night. WTF? so, yeah, there was a way to be less of a total dick. either way, what is done is done. and some people are just insensitive jerks. what can you do?

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

He dumped you in a bad way, you are screaming out for some sort of understanding and closure.
In your perspective everything in the relationship was rosy, which makes it all the bigger shock.

This guy isn't going to give you closure, and tbh, if he has the balls to contact you again, do you really want to waste more of your time on him? I have a feeling you will be met with more lies.

Be nice to you, do things to help you heal. Do all those things that you didn't do, because you were stuck in front of the computer conversing with him.

3 years is a long time.
It will take time to find yourself again.
Don't rush to fill the empty space with another relationship.
Live for you!