Rules & Rituals

[elocin13]

For the D/s'ers here, I'm just curious. What types of rules and/or rituals do you and your partner have in place (sexual or not)? And what about for being in public or with family members? Do you have private or subtle gestures/rules that keep your dynamic in place in a way that no one vanilla would ever catch onto?

 

[elocin13]

(hears a pin drop)

. . . anyone?

 

[CutieMouse]

For the D/s'ers here, I'm just curious. What types of rules and/or rituals do you and your partner have in place (sexual or not)? And what about for being in public or with family members? Do you have private or subtle gestures/rules that keep your dynamic in place in a way that no one vanilla would ever catch onto?

Nope, not really.

I tend to call lovers Dear, Sweetheart, Darling, etc [instead of Sir/ Mater/ whatever]. I'm perfectly comfortable playing fetch ("Would you like me to refill your coffee, Dear?"), but for the most part when I'm in a relationship it looks like any other relationship. I'm not particularly interested in exposing people to, or involving them in, the power dynamics of my relationship without their consent.

 

[elocin13]

Thanks for the reply
No, I wouldn't want to expose the public or family to any of the dynamic. I know some couples have rules about the pyl not sitting or eating until the PYL does, etc. I'm guessing these are subtle enough that no one would be the wiser.
I am to walk on his left side, remain within arm's reach, etc. I don't think anyone would suspect anything "non-vanilla" about these practices. I have kids, so it's important to me to keep the D/s aspect of the relationship very private.

 

[MeekMe]

No rules or rituals. I take care of cooking and filling glasses. He doesn't demand anything really, I take it upon myself to do these sorts of things.

(･_･; I dunno if it's obvious to friends and family. He has one friend that comes over and comments constantly about how Mister is a jerk (it's mostly joking). I just smile and fill the glasses. I think our relationship confuses him because he asks me if I'm ok with things like Mister having friends over.

() I'm always giving him this look and telling him it's ok, that I don't have any problems with what he does for fun.

 

[seela]

We tried to have some kinds of rituals at the beginning of our relationship, really hard. We wanted to see if it'd bring something to our relationship. Turned out it didn't, it just isn't us. We forgot about the rules and rituals after maybe two days and the idea has never been revisited, except for jokingly. I think the only rule we have in place is that I let him know if I buy something that costs over 50 euros.

Friends and family have wondered about relationship, but not because of any rule or ritual that we do. Our relationship just is a tad more traditional than what people are used to seeing in our agegroup. Now everyone's gotten used to it, so nobody raises an eyebrow anymore.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks for the reply
No, I wouldn't want to expose the public or family to any of the dynamic. I know some couples have rules about the pyl not sitting or eating until the PYL does, etc. I'm guessing these are subtle enough that no one would be the wiser.
I am to walk on his left side, remain within arm's reach, etc. I don't think anyone would suspect anything "non-vanilla" about these practices. I have kids, so it's important to me to keep the D/s aspect of the relationship very private.

I lump that stuff under "protocol", and protocol tends to leave me wondering why the hell everything has to be made so dammed difficult.

If I'm with a lover, I want to be *with* him; not thinking about if I'm walking on the proper side, within arms reach, or whatever.*For me* those sorts of things would detract, more than add to the relationship.

 

[MeekMe]

I lump that stuff under "protocol", and protocol tends to leave me wondering why the hell everything has to be made so dammed difficult.

If I'm with a lover, I want to be *with* him; not thinking about if I'm walking on the proper side, within arms reach, or whatever.*For me* those sorts of things would detract, more than add to the relationship.

^^^Agreed. We tried at first to add some "protocol" but it failed miserably. It was more of a burden in our relationship and didn't enrich it at all.

 

[DVS]

I'm only dominant during sex, but that's one rule I have...I'm in charge.
Well, unless she uses her safe word.

Damn, I guess that means she's in charge. My dominance just lost its erection.

 

[Netzach]

I file rules under "fun games of short durarion" - it's something that you can do for heightened amusement but it's nothing I want to have to keep track of in mundane life.

 

[IrisAlthea]

We tried to have some kinds of rituals at the beginning of our relationship, really hard. We wanted to see if it'd bring something to our relationship. Turned out it didn't, it just isn't us. We forgot about the rules and rituals after maybe two days and the idea has never been revisited, except for jokingly. I think the only rule we have in place is that I let him know if I buy something that costs over 50 euros.

Friends and family have wondered about relationship, but not because of any rule or ritual that we do. Our relationship just is a tad more traditional than what people are used to seeing in our agegroup. Now everyone's gotten used to it, so nobody raises an eyebrow anymore.

In the beginning of my relationship with my now husband, I had countless discussions with friends about the fact that I would ask him before spending money above a certain sum. I had to actually tell people that my way to handle money and relationship was none of their business and to back off if they valued our friendship.
There were other things they found oldfashioned and wrong but the money thing was by far the worst.

I often smile when I see the overlap between what some choose as their D/s rules and rituals and the decorum stuff I was taught when growing up. I guess it was a few of those things people reacted to in the beginning of our relationship.

It wasn't about D/s really in either case.

 

[elocin13]

I guess for me, since I crave the rules and structure, these little things are welcome. I have one of those brains that are all over the place with countless happenings bouncing around in there, so things like where to walk and how close to be help me focus better. I think it will relax my mind a bit, actually, by forcing me to shut off some of the extraneous minutia.

 

[seela]

In the beginning of my relationship with my now husband, I had countless discussions with friends about the fact that I would ask him before spending money above a certain sum. I had to actually tell people that my way to handle money and relationship was none of their business and to back off if they valued our friendship.
There were other things they found oldfashioned and wrong but the money thing was by far the worst.

I've noticed the same, the reactions are pretty wild. I think that a part of the reaction is that being a housewife is so completely uncommon here. Women make their own money so it's automatically assumed that they decide how to spend it, too. And usually they do decide, so it's a fair assumption.

I guess for me, since I crave the rules and structure, these little things are welcome. I have one of those brains that are all over the place with countless happenings bouncing around in there, so things like where to walk and how close to be help me focus better. I think it will relax my mind a bit, actually, by forcing me to shut off some of the extraneous minutia.

Sounds like it's really working for you then! I can relate on a smaller scale. If my head is spinning and I can't concentrate on anything, having instructions on what to do and how to do it helps me focus. Sometimes in situations like that I get little tasks that I can focus on completely and the instructions are pretty specific, but truth to be told, J doesn't care one way or another if I do it exactly as he has instructed as long as the end result is good and it helps me clear my head.

It's not a weekly or even a monthly thing, but in those extreme head spinning cases it works for me.

 

[mcauburn]

edited

 

[elocin13]

Thanks

for chiming in, ladies. It's nice to chat with other subs/pyl's.
Until now, I had only been in a D/s ldr, and now I have someone I can be with in the flesh, finally! Hoping to build a great relationship

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I think in my "before I knew what the heck the labels of BDSM were" past in my relationships I would have called these "shared habits" instead of rituals, but I can see how I have always adapted my habits to who I am with based on their preferences. I always felt unsettled until I could engage the exchanges that clicked just right in "the way they like it" ritualistic ways.

I see this in the way I love to learn and prepare favorite foods, the way that the shared couch is occupied, the way I present myself carefully, and where and how to kiss in just the right way that earns that moany sort of approval that I crave. There is also a soothing comfort in the ritual of ending a meeting or converation in a certain way every time, or of leaning to specific endearments or nicknames that are unique to the relationship.

"Rules" as a word and concept stirs a different response in me though. Rules feels more like a threat of punishment looming which is never my desire or pursuit... But where defiance meets consent the lines start to blurr for me for sure.

All that said, now that I have (and am growing) a much deeper understanding of what role BDSM plays in my desires, switches, and satiety, I think I like the idea of playing with and trying on these concepts more honestly and overtly. I think in the right circumstance, with the right connection, I could feel that these rules and rituals would potentially secure and/or compliment the relationship in some or even many ways.

I think I am starting to see now that the predictability and reliability of ritual is the soil that trust and familiarity seem to grow well in...maybe especially for those healing life phases where trust struggles to sprout on it's own despite the trustworthiness of the people involved.

Maybe I could grow into the idea that the rules could just be a firmer list version of ritual that are simply expected? Or maybe if I can allow the words to breathe freely as they are, they don't have to be in conflict after all.

 

[elocin13]

Curious, thanks for the very insightful reply.
I think - for me - if there are rules that seem pointless (ie. those of a wannabe Dom or egocentric prick), I am not likely to embrace them as positive contributions to the relationship. However, my "rule" of staying within arm's reach of my partner has real meaning for me. He wants me close enough to touch, which of course is loving and positive. Also, when we sit together, he would prefer that we are touching in some way at all times - nothing obvious or gropy - even legs or elbows is fine. We are both very touch-oriented and affectionate, so this is not only joyful, but comes naturally to us both.
However, if I had a strict rule in place to wear stiletto heels at all times, wreaking havoc on my body and making me miserable, I would not view it as a mutually beneficial "rule."
I think part of my craving for positive expectations (maybe that's a better term than "rules") is that I was in an abusive relationship for 17 years. It was not a D/s relationship; he was simply a temperamental, abusive jerk. But I never knew what would set him off or when. So I walked on eggshells at all times, and he would just explode in anger at me out of nowhere. I seek the security now of having certain practices and expectations spelled out for me. Oh, and he's not a jerk which reallllllllllllly helps!

 

[KoPilot]

We've tried a few of them, but none had any staying power and didn't do anything for the relationship. I really love the idea of em, so we'll see. He's really not much of a creature of habit by himself with anything that would have much of an impact on me, so it might just not be for us in the end.

 

[Oubliette123]

Nope, not really.

I tend to call lovers Dear, Sweetheart, Darling, etc [instead of Sir/ Mater/ whatever]. I'm perfectly comfortable playing fetch ("Would you like me to refill your coffee, Dear?"), but for the most part when I'm in a relationship it looks like any other relationship. I'm not particularly interested in exposing people to, or involving them in, the power dynamics of my relationship without their consent.

Exactly what cutie mouse has said. We don't let our lifestyle spill out into everyday life, except when he sets me a task but these are usually things like having to wear my hair up that day for example, so they don't impact in any way. He does expect me to go upstairs (before a pre planned session) and get myself ready particularly if he has asked me to wear something sexy. He will probably delay coming up for a few minutes as he knows it heightens my anticipation. He expects me to call him sir. During nights when BDSM is not on the menu, if we are tired etc I am still required to hold his cock with my hand while he falls asleep. Or sometimes he will hold my wrist behind my back while I fall asleep, those are our rituals every night.

 

[StrayKat]

If somebody wanted me to have any kind of ritual in relationship it would be absolute deal breaker for me. No matter how I thought I loved the guy/gal, I would show them the door asap.

My Mother, who I once respected for her common sense and lack of prejudice, developed such religious fanaticism in past 10 or so years she is considering leaving all her money to TEH church. She is still her old selfish, control freaking bitchy self, but she follows all those praying and kneeling rituals to the letter and thinks she is a model believer.

I never had much of a love bond with her but I could talk to her in the past and trust her views on my problems would be down to earth and helpful. All she tells me now is "you should convert", her mind is completely clogged. It makes me angry and bitter even though I try to respect her faith as in "live and let live" what is something I believe in. On the other hand, she doesnt respect my atheism at all. Her religion is so false I am appalled.

For me, rituals are most of the time just a form people cling on to hide the fact they have little touch with the substance.

 

[WorkPlayHard]

We have so many rules and rituals I don't even know where to start. Our newest ritual is awesome. She asks my permission to take a shower, she strips, I inspect her and tell her if she needs to trim her bush, then I start the shower for her. She also gets inspected before sex, I hate stubbly or hairy legs. For non-sexual rituals, we live in the 1950's! She packs my lunch before I leave for work, she lays out work clothes for me, and has clothes out for when I get home. She makes every meal, unless I am in the mood for pizza. Most of our friends know we are D/s, and while we don't hide the dynamic, we don't normally go out with her collared and leashed either.
Don't "regular normal" couples have money discussions? I don't see her asking if the budget can handle buying something expensive as D/s, just common sense.

 

[InterestedInColumbus]

Removed

Removed

 

[seela]

Is it purely coincidence that almost all replies are from subs?

In my experience most active posters on pretty much any BDSM board tend to fall on the little letter side of the equation.

 

[InterestedInColumbus]

removed

 

[seela]

Thoughts as to why that might be?

(Sorry for the thread hijack)

There are more of them in the world in general. That shows even in the real world BDSM communities (at least where I live), although there the representation is a bit more even than on discussion boards. Especially in women the scales seem to tilt pretty heavily on the pyl* side, and women tend to do most of the talking on discussion boards.

*PYL = Pick Your Label = Dom(me)/Top/Master/Daddy etc.
pyl = åick your label = sub/bottom/slave/little etc