I really need someone to talk to..

[Felineofavenueb]

about a guy I'm seeing. Please pm me if you are good at giving advice.

 

[NightL]

Be careful of asking for PMs, you may not necessarily get contributors with your best interests in heart.

You have asked a variety of questions openly on the board recently and mostly got very good advice in return. Unless you have genuine/privacy reasons for not posting openly about your current concerns I suggest you go back to the previous approach.

If you do have privacy concerns, it would be unwise to trust PM communications as well.

 

[Doog_kuron]

Be careful of asking for PMs, you may not necessarily get contributors with your best interests in heart.

You have asked a variety of questions openly on the board recently and mostly got very good advice in return. Unless you have genuine/privacy reasons for not posting openly about your current concerns I suggest you go back to the previous approach.

If you do have privacy concerns, it would be unwise to trust PM communications as well.

Agree with these sentiments. Besides your query is very vague, hard to know for the reader if they can actually offer help or advice. But good luck with whatever it is your seeking assistance with.

 

[Felineofavenueb]

Thank you for your concern. I could just write it here, it's just that it's long and involved. But here goes... So I started seeing this guy. We hung out on and off for a few years and he recently ended things with his ex. A month later we started talking and hanging out. We always had great chemistry so we clicked right away as if time hadn't passed. He had planned a trip for himself before we started talking again so he would be away for about 2 weeks. Before he left we went out 3 times, one in which he bought me dinner and we had sex and it was great. When he was on vacation, he still kept in touch and we even skyped. When he got back I saw him the next day and we immediately had sex and then got dinner and ate on the beach. It was a great night. He also got me a small souvenir I then saw him again all day the next day, another amazing night. So I mentioned something to him about my friend being jealous and acting weird with me because "we're dating". I didn't know if we were dating or not but he didn't say anything except yea girls can be like that. So now I haven't seen him since Saturday. I always am the one to ask him to hang out, and he usually does. This week he said he was having a busy week and couldn't plan ahead when we could hang out and said he would definitely let me know when he is free. I've talked to him since and I mentioned I had my day off of work Friday but he didn't say anything. I don't want to be annoying and keep asking him. But I really want to see him this week. What do I do?? What if he never asks me to hang out again??? The next time we have scheduled plans is on his birthday. I'm freaking out and don't know what to do. Im afraid I'll do the wrong thing yet I really want to see him!

 

[NightL]

This week he said he was having a busy week and couldn't plan ahead when we could hang out and said he would definitely let me know when he is free.

You have to just trust him. Take his word as genuine and give him the respect of letting you know when he is free.

If he needs a little breathing space to evaluate how things are developing, any form of you pushing for contact will just push him away.

Just leave it for a bit - get on with your own life and let him make the next move. If you hear nothing from him in three weeks then start to make opinions of the situation.

New relationships need to develop with care. To be honest he has not been free of his last relationship for long at all. Just give it time. If you totally believe the chemistry was mutual, then he will contact you. Be prepared to wait, even for many months before commitment is openly acknowledged.

 

[Doog_kuron]

Ah okay, that's a bit more helpful.

Well if he's just finished a relationship with his ex, especially a long term one I can't imagine he's looking to jump straight into another just yet. I suspect he's just looking to have some fun and not settle down. Also I find it a touch troubling your having to do all the work here. Friend or more, it should be a two way street surely?

If he's not making the effort for you, would it be such a horrific thing if he didn't ask to hang out with you again?

I'm no expert here, I don't know you or the guy involved. But if it were me, I'd cool my heels. Make sure he/she know I'm there for them, as a friend, and leave out the sex. If both parties show a mutual interest in wanting to spend time together and something develops from there, great, but put simply, be careful.

 

[SweetErika]

First things first, calm down! Getting so worked up about this guy isn't going to help you any, but it could make you do stupid things that actually push him away!

If this guy is really interested in dating you, he will pursue you. As difficult as it may be, let him make the next moves. He may have been scared by your dating comment, yet he may also talk himself down from that, provided you don't start acting crazy. Then again, he may just be busy like he said, and acting like a love-struck puppy isn't going to win him over if that's the case, either.

See if he makes the next move and invites you for the next date. That should be pretty telling - if he doesn't ask you out on a date, he's probably not terribly interested in anything other than sex. Don't settle for that if you're not 100% good with having a friend with benefits or fuckbuddy.

Be confident in what you have to offer, and don't give your "milk" away for free anymore. That is, make sure he's committed to the having the same type of relationship you are before you have sex again, or maybe even put the sex on hold until you two have talked about where your relationship is going and he's committed to you exclusively (if having a monogamous relationship is important to you). It sounds like you two need to have a good conversation about your relationship goals before you get sexual again, so everything's clear and you can both make rational decisions.

 

[Felineofavenueb]

Thanks. I'm trying to be laid back but I'm PMSing and I get so paranoid and anxious. I really want to see him. I already asked him twice about hanging out this week and I would mention it again but I'm afraid I'll be too annoying. Everything has been going really well and I don't think he's in it just for the sex, it was my first time, he's been really caring and understanding. I am seeing him on his birthday for sure..I suppose if he wasn't interested he wouldn't want to see me on his birthday right? I just can't think straight with my period coming, my hormones are going crazy.

 

[NightL]

I have read your previous posts and totally appreciate how special this recent time has been for you. While you may feel a complete willingness to give of yourself to a relationship immediately, allow for his willingness and preparedness for entering a relationship so quickly to vary from yours.

I gather you have waited some time for this stage of your life, you can wait a little longer for something good.

Take it gradually and keep developing the friendship level as well.

If in the extreme he does not contact you or leaves it too long, then it was just not meant to be. So far you have proven to yourself you can enjoy the company of another again. If this one does not work out another person will.

Way too soon to make judgements. Take a deep breath, give it some space, wait for him to contact you - I think it will be all OK.

 

[Doog_kuron]

Thanks. I'm trying to be laid back but I'm PMSing and I get so paranoid and anxious. I really want to see him. I already asked him twice about hanging out this week and I would mention it again but I'm afraid I'll be too annoying. Everything has been going really well and I don't think he's in it just for the sex, it was my first time, he's been really caring and understanding. I am seeing him on his birthday for sure..I suppose if he wasn't interested he wouldn't want to see me on his birthday right? I just can't think straight with my period coming, my hormones are going crazy.

Well...till rational thought returns I suggest trading him in for a large tub of ice cream and enough chocolate (quality stuff mind you, not the rubbish stuff) to sink a battleship. But judging from everyone's comments we all seem to have roughly the same idea. Maybe he's a great guy, maybe he's totally into you, but you don't want to risk spoiling it at this early stage. Ease off on the throttle a little. Go to the cinema, read a good book. Paint a picture!

 

[Felineofavenueb]

Thanks everyone! I feel better knowing that it's probably all in my head from my hormones. Thank you for saying it will all be okay, it means the world. I was afraid I would get mean, negative comments, so I appreciate everything you guys have said I will try to relax and enjoy my time with him and hopefully I will see him soon lol

 

[Doog_kuron]

Thanks everyone! I feel better knowing that it's probably all in my head from my hormones. Thank you for saying it will all be okay, it means the world. I was afraid I would get mean, negative comments, so I appreciate everything you guys have said I will try to relax and enjoy my time with him and hopefully I will see him soon lol

I can't do mean, my picture is a giraffe chewing, how can anyone take a mean comment from that seriously? Exactly! But I can offer sarcasm. And chocolate. I have chocolate and I'm not afraid to use it! After eight dinner mint anyone?

Fingers crossed it all works out for you. If not, there's a few million guys on here happy to jump on in, accept me, I'm a giraffe. A chocolate eating giraffe.

 

[human_male]

I recommend Dear Cupid if you don't find help here.

 

[FGB]

OH, Boy!

Tough call.

Did he freak when he found out you thought you two were seriously dating and not "Playing".

Or was he using you to distract himself from his emotions about this other woman?

I'm going to give you some advise a very wise woman gave me one time.

Turn them loose. Stay in touch...but loosely. If they are meant to be yours they will be back, if not it is best to know that now.

And then, the timing my be wrong. We may wrestle with the whims of fate but in reality it is already decided.

 

[NightL]

FGB - purely discussion - that is all

OH, Boy!

Tough call. not really - sometimes it is actually good to trust that the people you let into your life are honest

Did he freak when he found out you thought you two were seriously dating and not "Playing".

Or was he using you to distract himself from his emotions about this other woman?

negative vs negative? Way too soon to think like that.

I'm going to give you some advise a very wise woman gave me one time.

Turn them loose. Stay in touch...but loosely. If they are meant to be yours they will be back, if not it is best to know that now.

And then, the timing my be wrong. We may wrestle with the whims of fate but in reality it is already decided.

FGB, are your thoughts clouded here? Felineofavenueb is trying to negotiate something new and wonderful. It is her journey, and while caution is always wise in offering, so to is the encouragement to fly.

I do agree with FGB - give it a little space - he will be there if it is meant to be. Have fun.

 

[Felineofavenueb]

I just wanted to let everyone know that I appreciate all of your feedback! I did end up seeing him tonight and we had a great time. We went to dinner, which he paid for and told me how nice I looked. Then we went to his place, had sex and he said afterwards..that was amazing! Also, I mentioned how my friend is still acting weird around me and he said oh because we're dating? So I guess we are indeed dating!!! Thanks again!!

 

[Que]

Glad you had a such nice time. Sounds like you were able to get the exact reassurances you needed to hear without obsessively pushing.

Continue to concentrate on being present in the moment and try not to over think this and fish for reassurances.

Sounds like he is very much into you. Don't smother him and you will be fine.

 

[Monica_112]

.
. Don't smother him and you will be fine.

This part.

 

[NightL]

Yes you are indeed

Big congratulations - and isn't it the best fun ever.

Don't smother him and you will be fine.

Yes - but always keep the communication up and encourage that of him as well. The best relationships are when your partner is totally your best friend. There is always give and take, respect and care. Sometimes you may not agree and that is OK. Talk through those times. Always express your desires, emotions, happiness and disappointments. Allow him the same voice.

Oh, when it comes to sex tell him exactly how it works for you. How you like to be held, touched and what works and what does not. Ask him of the very same. Be open and honest, both of you. Keep this discussion going because we all grow and changes will happen over time. You won't scare him if you express yourself - he will probably just say "Wow!!!" with a big grin on his face. The good men out there want nothing more than to please and a head start to knowing what works for you will keep you both smiling. Of course encourage and offer him the same opportunity.

Don't lesson yourself or your values yet be open to new adventures. A good relationship builds and is not about sacrifices.

Time you talked to your girlfriend. Again be perfectly open about your concerns with her. Allow her to voice whatever is bothering her. Unless this strain with your girlfriend is impacting on your new relationship hold back on discussing it too much at this stage with your boyfriend. Just step forward and sort it out with her. She may be concerned that she may lose you as a friend or indeed be envious. Whatever the situation is sort it out quickly.

Oh, and congratulations again

 

[Essie1]

Hooray! Dating for the win

It's a fine line to walk when emotions are involved but sounds like you've done the right thing, "played it well" (for want of a better expression) and things are going to be okay.

Absolutely communication is paramount. We can spend so much time spiralling up our own backsides, going over and over things our head - What does this mean? Is it this? Should I say that? But what if? - until we can drive ourselves freaking mental.

Sometimes, you just need to bite the bullet, ask the questions you want answered and see what happens. It might work, it might not but at least, hopefully, you'll find out what you need. Why spend time dwelling on something that might not be right?

And whoever suggested chocolate? Genius!!

 

[NightL]

A little side track to this thread...

hello Essie1 - there are a few of those down under people around here and as far as I can tell they are all excellent!!! I even know one who is also a chocolate lover as well so you are in good company.

Welcome aboard to the very best place at Lit - the How To... board.

 

[amofiga]

You may not want to hear this, but I get the feeling that he's just using you for sex. I'm an old coot so I'm not used to the "newer" lingo but "hanging out" "hooking up" etc seem to be nice ways of "just having sex for fun relationship". That's all nice if you both want the same thing. It sounds to me like you've become nearly obsessed with this guy in a very short time with some very casual interaction, notwithstanding the sex. If YOU are looking for something more serious that you should discuss that with him. If he backs off and wants to break it off, better to find out now than later.

I've known women in the past that were letting their hormones run the show and that's quite nice in some ways. However if you guys aren't on the same wavelength as to what you're both looking for and what each understands your relationship to be, you're only headed for an eventual break up. A guy who's looking to play isn't going to want to be with a woman looking for a long term serious thing and vice versa. Make sure you're both on the same page. If he's just looking for a casual-convenient-fuck buddy, then you'd better make sure you're ready, willing, and happy to be that fuck buddy. If you're looking for serious dating and he isn't, it's a recipe for disaster. Good luck.

 

[FGB]

Very Good!

I do so like it when romance situations work out.

Believe it or not I am a hopeless romantic.