Feedback wanted: Sleeper Train

[TheRedChamber]

Just had my first story approved.

http://www.literotica.com/s/sleeper-train

Would welcome and comment and suggestions. Please be as honest (or even as brutal) as necessary.
As it's my first story I thought I'd try to keep it fairy simple and vanilla.

EDIT: Oh and I should say its an Interracial story (with group sex elements) involving two Chinese girls and two travellers on an overnight train

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I'm jealous. I was supposed to go to Beijing in January but my fellow associate beat me to it. At least he said it was very cold and smoggy.

I think you have written a very good first story. You set the bar very high for yourself by having such language difficulties you couldn't use dialogue. I understand but it does make for a more essay style. It was difficult to get a real feeling for the Chinese girls - especially during the sex scenes.

It's not necessary to close out everything in a story. I liked the poignant reflection at the end but thought you dwelt too long on Lewis and your family life. In fiction, and films and plays, less is more. You closed out the chance of a further encounter with TingTing (probably spelled it wrong).

Think you are going great guns but would suggest you use more dialogue in your next piece.

Trivial point, you need to have someone copy-edit before you post - smiles should be smiled, embarrassing should be embarrassment and there are a few more. Not enough to put off a reader.

Great stuff though, enjoyable story with a mysterious setting. Full marks.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Thanks for your kind and constructive feed back. To reply to some of your comments.

Trivial point, you need to have someone copy-edit before you post - smiles should be smiled, embarrassing should be embarrassment and there are a few more. Not enough to put off a reader.

Fair point, while I read through it a few times, I was kind of determined to post something just to get it out there. If everyone hated the story, I'd have been embarrassed at wasting someone elses time proof-reading it. In some ways having one specific editor is more scaring that just sticking it straight up and seeing what happens. I'll try to be more careful in future and once I get to know some of the people on the board I'll be more confident looking for help.

I think you have written a very good first story. You set the bar very high for yourself by having such language difficulties you couldn't use dialogue. I understand but it does make for a more essay style. It was difficult to get a real feeling for the Chinese girls - especially during the sex scenes.

Again I take that on board. A lot of the shape of the story was dictated by the decision to set it on the train; having a sexual encounter with someone you don't share a language with was part of appeal of the story, and I thought it was nice to have the girls motives and feelings somewhat obscured (the narrator by the end is probably somewhat romanticizing them). As you say it makes the female characters less well drawn. I could have experimented with having one or both of them a little more competent with English.

I did consider it might be fun sometime in the future to write the same story from Tingting's perspective. I'll wait until I'm a little more confident in writing before using a female narrator though.

I'll be honest, I've probably not really got the hang of dialogue yet, especially sex dialogue, so I was happy that it was limited by the nature of the story.

It's not necessary to close out everything in a story. I liked the poignant reflection at the end but thought you dwelt too long on Lewis and your family life. In fiction, and films and plays, less is more. You closed out the chance of a further encounter with TingTing (probably spelled it wrong).

I wasn't too bothered about writing future stories; before I posted this I'd already written two chapters of a much longer story, but thought I'd better start with something that was a one-shot kind of thing. That said I was worried that I was overdoing it somewhat at the end, I wasn't sure how much the average reader would stick around after the sex was over. When writing a first-person story, I like to get some sense of "why am I telling you this", but I could have worked this throughout the story more rather than splurge it all at the end.

Think you are going great guns but would suggest you use more dialogue in your next piece.

Thanks, I do have a story idea that is mainly a conversation between two characters, I might give it a go next.

Great stuff though, enjoyable story with a mysterious setting. Full marks.

Cheers.

I'm jealous. I was supposed to go to Beijing in January but my fellow associate beat me to it. At least he said it was very cold and smoggy.

If its any consolation, after having lived in China for eight years, Beijing is my least favourite city and somewhere I avoid where ever possible. Still its always a pity to miss out on an expenses paid trip to a new country. And yes, its horribly smoggy.

 

[Bettyspages]

Hi, I think this was really well written, seemed very realistic. I have a fantasy actually about sleeper train! I was going to write a story about it but never did.....

I've read so much erotica on this site in the last week I'm not sure anything can turn me on anymore.

Having said that, I think it was a bit too vanilla for my taste, and there were too many unrelated details. But hey everyone has their own style.

Have you got any other feedback on it yet?

 

[TheRedChamber]

Hi, I think this was really well written, seemed very realistic. I have a fantasy actually about sleeper train! I was going to write a story about it but never did.....

I've read so much erotica on this site in the last week I'm not sure anything can turn me on anymore.

That sounds like a challenge to me...

Having said that, I think it was a bit too vanilla for my taste, and there were too many unrelated details. But hey everyone has their own style.

Agreed, I wanted start fairly vanilla and work my way up through various types of kinky.
Could you be a bit more specific about the details, are there any particular bits you felt could be cut?

Have you got any other feedback on it yet?

Only what you see on the page here.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Just had my first story approved.

http://www.literotica.com/s/sleeper-train

Would welcome and comment and suggestions. Please be as honest (or even as brutal) as necessary.
As it's my first story I thought I'd try to keep it fairy simple and vanilla.

EDIT: Oh and I should say its an Interracial story (with group sex elements) involving two Chinese girls and two travellers on an overnight train

I liked this one - I think you did a good job with an interesting concept. I like a story that isn't just "hey we both like sex let's fuck".

A few nitpicks, nothing major:
- Some spelling/punctuation mistakes (I think you had "passed" for "past" and a couple of other small glitches).
- Seemed a bit odd that Lewis had a teaching job in a small Chinese town without being able to speak the language.
- You mention an iPad, which puts the incident no earlier than 2010, and then at the end you write that it happened 15 years ago. That was a bit jarring for me.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I liked this one - I think you did a good job with an interesting concept. I like a story that isn't just "hey we both like sex let's fuck".

Thanks

A few nitpicks, nothing major:
- Some spelling/punctuation mistakes (I think you had "passed" for "past" and a couple of other small glitches).

Guilty.

- Seemed a bit odd that Lewis had a teaching job in a small Chinese town without being able to speak the language.

Not really, many students or other young people take a year out to teach in a foreign country with no real experience. I maybe didn't make it clear that he was only starting the job, will check.

- You mention an iPad, which puts the incident no earlier than 2010, and then at the end you write that it happened 15 years ago. That was a bit jarring for me.

Bugger! You got me.

Thanks for your feedback

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I don't think your story could be called vanilla. It is not a stroke but all the better for that. For me, it is one of the better crafted erotic stories in recent weeks.

 

[Bettyspages]

What does that mean "it's not a stroke"?

 

[Bramblethorn]

What does that mean "it's not a stroke"?

"Stroke" = story that dives straight into the sex and doesn't give much attention to anything else, for people who are only looking for something to masturbate to.

 

[sr71plt]

What does that mean "it's not a stroke"?

essentially it means written for the sex scene(s) alone and keeping it short for quick read/satisfaction and moving on to the next.

A stroker can have a story plot, though, as well and not have to be War and Peace, so when the next poster tells you the distinguishing characterization of a stroke is that it has no plot or character development, it's usually someone who expects War and Peace from everything. A good writer can put a story plot and characterization in a reader's mind in 50 words. Of course the reader has to have some imagination and not be lazy.

Added later: Ah, as I was writing this, the demand for War and Peace was already posting.

 

[Bettyspages]

Now I'm wondering if my story is a stroke or not. lol.

I don't want War and Peace but I think some context and explanation as to why these people are doing this is better.

 

[lovecraft68]

Some people have the misconception stroke is about length. A 2k story must be stroke, but a 5 page story can't be because its 15k+

That's not true, its not length its content. A stroke story pretty much revolves around sex and not much more than sex. You barely "know" the characters beyond their descriptions and insatiable sex drive. There is never a "why" to these stories, just "yeah, baby."

"non stroke" would feature characters with back grounds, personalities, problems/ There is build up to the sex, there is conflict there is a story and in a well written one people still enjoy the sex, but are caught up in the story just as much.

 

[loneeyes]

I dig it.

It's nice that you break away from some of the tropes of the genre.

I'd definitely have appreciated some more dialogue during the sex itself. Attributed vocalization is what keeps me grounded in a story like this.

Nevertheless, it's a good story.

 

[Bettyspages]

I think dialogue during sex is my favorite part. Although since they don't speak each other's language it would be a bit awkward. But maybe more detailed description of what they were doing would be more intense.