Help please

[joyttworld]

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We have a little 9 month old and are generally really happy. We don't have sex as often as I'd like but we do it often (2 to 3 times a week) We're young, I'm 20 he's 21, so really were just starting our lived together. I hope to be with him forever and grow our family, I love him. So I don't know why this is happening to me. We just moved into a new house and have been a little tight on money (we're getting by fine) so my husband suggested that one of his work friends move in with us, pays rent and then we'd have some extra cash to play with. I thought it'd be fine, I had met his friend a few times and he seemed nice and respectful, quiet. He's not rowdy or getting drunk constantly so I said yes. Fast forward a week and I'm just...so turned on by him. He works nights so he's home all day while my husbands working. He always has his door open and I just want to go in there and be ravished. Its absolutely insane. This past week I've tried to focus that on to my husband but I want to do it every day and he just won't. I'm going crazy, I just want it to go away. I realize now it was a terrible idea to let this guy move in but I can't tell my husband that!! I'm so turned on constantly. Please understand, I don't want to do anything with this guy, I just want to get over these feelings ):

 

[norfolklad]

Assuming this is serious, you don't say what sort of answer you're expecting from us.

Assuming that it's not serious, if this guy's only there when your husband's not, are you sure it's not your husband in disguise, trying to catch you out.

And how is this guy one of your husband's work friends if they're never at work at the same time?


I know, I know, don't feed the trolls - a fat troll's a horrible sight.

 

[silverwhisper]

joy, you already identified why it's happening--wanting it more often than your husband's available--so i think the question is, is there something about this guy in particular, or is it just that he's potentially available?

you should talk with your husband about your libido since obviously doing anything with the renter is a very bad idea. i would think that masturbating would at least take the edge off. maybe write some erotica for your husband?

ed

 

[joyttworld]

I'm not trolling, geez. My husband is in the airforce, he works the day shift his buddy works mids (nights) they were in training together and used to be on the same shift. They work in the same hanger. I admit, this is my first time posting and I'm not familiar with the board.

Silver whisper - I didn't even realize that I had already identified what's wrong, that's for pointing that out. It does seem obvious now that my 'feeling' for are roommate if just my frustration with my husband. Maybe I could try to write erotica but I'm not much of a writer. I could help myself more often though instead of letting myself be aroused constantly :/

I'm only posting because I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about this. I wanted to talk to strangers that don't know me or my husband

 

[Debbie]

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We have a little 9 month old and are generally really happy. We don't have sex as often as I'd like but we do it often (2 to 3 times a week) We're young, I'm 20 he's 21, so really were just starting our lived together. I hope to be with him forever and grow our family, I love him. So I don't know why this is happening to me. We just moved into a new house and have been a little tight on money (we're getting by fine) so my husband suggested that one of his work friends move in with us, pays rent and then we'd have some extra cash to play with. I thought it'd be fine, I had met his friend a few times and he seemed nice and respectful, quiet. He's not rowdy or getting drunk constantly so I said yes. Fast forward a week and I'm just...so turned on by him. He works nights so he's home all day while my husbands working. He always has his door open and I just want to go in there and be ravished. Its absolutely insane. This past week I've tried to focus that on to my husband but I want to do it every day and he just won't. I'm going crazy, I just want it to go away. I realize now it was a terrible idea to let this guy move in but I can't tell my husband that!! I'm so turned on constantly. Please understand, I don't want to do anything with this guy, I just want to get over these feelings ):

Try cold showers, ask him to shut his door for privacy every now and then. You could talk to your husband and tell him you regret the decision to let him move in especially since you are such a young couple who need their space.

Or lock yourself in your room and have some self loving time. You could also surprise your husband in the shower, under his desk while he's on the computer etc and have your wicked way with him.

We're human. It's ok to fantasize but if you feel you might wander then have a stern chat with yourself or press your husband on the suggestion of asking him to leave.

Damn those whoremones. They're evil. But you get points for self control and good luck to you.

 

[October46]

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We have a little 9 month old and are generally really happy. We don't have sex as often as I'd like but we do it often (2 to 3 times a week) We're young, I'm 20 he's 21, so really were just starting our lived together. I hope to be with him forever and grow our family, I love him. So I don't know why this is happening to me. We just moved into a new house and have been a little tight on money (we're getting by fine) so my husband suggested that one of his work friends move in with us, pays rent and then we'd have some extra cash to play with. I thought it'd be fine, I had met his friend a few times and he seemed nice and respectful, quiet. He's not rowdy or getting drunk constantly so I said yes. Fast forward a week and I'm just...so turned on by him. He works nights so he's home all day while my husbands working. He always has his door open and I just want to go in there and be ravished. Its absolutely insane. This past week I've tried to focus that on to my husband but I want to do it every day and he just won't. I'm going crazy, I just want it to go away. I realize now it was a terrible idea to let this guy move in but I can't tell my husband that!! I'm so turned on constantly. Please understand, I don't want to do anything with this guy, I just want to get over these feelings ):

Don't get over him, masturbate in private and use him for your fantasy, this way you satisfy your sexual urges and not get in trouble over him.

 

[GooodGurrl]

I'd definitely suggest talking to your husband about this.

Communication is always a vital thing in relationships. Especially, as you said, you want this one to last and you envisage spending the rest of your life with him. You don't want to do something that you'll regret.

A quick question... is this constant sort of arousal usual for you or is this a sudden and noticeable change?

If it's a change and it's a physical thing... you may also want to speak to your doctor. Hormonal imbalances after carrying a child (you said you had a 9 month old infant) may be a sign of post partum depression, even a mild form of it.

Best of luck, I hope everything works out for you.

 

[silverwhisper]

joy quoth:
maybe i could try to write erotica but i'm not much of a writer.

if he's like most husbands, the fact that it's coming from you will make it the hottest damned thing he's ever read. promise!

besides, why not give it a shot? not like there's anything to lose by trying, right?

ed

 

[SunDevilGirl]

If you know you will NEVER act on those feelings then I think you should enjoy the fantasy. Talk to your husband about needing more sex and/or get a vibrator if you don't already have one.

However..if you aren't completely sure you won't act on your desires then you have to get rid of the temptation. He has to go. You don't have to explain....just tell them it's not working out.

 

[suckonsimon]

I'd support the 'definitely talk to your husband' advice that others have given you. Would I be right in suggesting that a part of your reason for getting the hots for a young man is that you are having great sex with a young man? If that is the case, might that give you a 'way in' to airing this with your husband? "Sweetie, you're so damn good at pleasuring me that I find I'm thinking about it all the time, even when you're at work and our pal is in; I have to tell you - this thing of wanting a man, but it's the wrong man who's at home, is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do ..." kind of approach with him?

 

[joyttworld]

Thanks you guys!! I've gotten some great advice, I almost feel a little stupid for stressing so much about it. Someone asked if the constant arousal is new, my libido has been higher since giving birth. I think its because before I gave birth I never enjoyed sex. Like at ALL, not even a little and since we had our son its completely different. It used to hurt and was uncomfortable but not anymore.
I'm sure I wouldn't act on my desires, but its uncomfortable to have them at all. I would be mortified if either of them found out!

 

[joyttworld]

My husband just called from work and told me they're switching him to the night shift with our roommate so now they'll be home at the same time, AND we save on gas money. Score.

 

[silverwhisper]

and hopefully, you two will be too!

ed

 

[suckonsimon]

Joy, it's delightful to hear of your greater sexual desire since having your baby. If you feel your husband is anything but delighted about that, how about you take plenty of opportunities to signal to him that in a sense he has done this to you. That might flip him over from feeling perhaps threatened by the needs of his sexed-up wife, to seeing this as the best thing that has ever happened in his life. All about communication. Remember, young men find it almost impossible to understand women; he needs your help, your patient explanations about yourself, so he can really deliver, and as much as you need and want.

[forgive me on this serious thread ... you've got us guys on here panting ...]

Simon

 

[joyttworld]

I've tried to talk to him about it but he just pokes fun at me and doesn't take it seriously. If anything he makes me feel bad for wanting it so much. Now that he's going to start working nights we might never have sex again!!!

 

[suckonsimon]

Please, Joy, feel good! This desire in you is good! Perhaps he's needing more time to get his head around being a father and having a woman who's a mother. A profound change of being which you are thriving on, while he's perhaps scared, or confused by the whole new set of perceptions he now has.
Is there a couple you are both close with, who are raising a family, who might talk with you both about all that's different when you have kids, including the sex? That's a big ask, but with the right people it just could be?

 

[norfolklad]

I've tried to talk to him about it but he just pokes fun at me and doesn't take it seriously. If anything he makes me feel bad for wanting it so much. Now that he's going to start working nights we might never have sex again!!!

I'm sorry that I suspected you of trolling at the start. Yours is an unusual situation. It is much more common for a husband to complain that his wife is no longer interested in sex after she's had a child.

One thing you don't say is how keen your husband was on sex before the baby was born. Was it more than two or three times a week then? You don't tell us much about your earlier relationship with him or how long you've been together, so can I make some inferences. You say that you married just over a year ago and your baby is nine months old so you married when you were already six months pregnant. Not that there's anything wrong with that but at 21 your husband is still very young and, if he is still mixing with single guys like his friend, he may be struggling with his new status as a father. He may even fear that your increased desire for sex represents a wish to get pregnant again while he is still coping with becoming a first-time father.

On top of that, the frequency of sex does tend to tail off during a relationship. There is an old saying that, if you put a pea in a jar for every time you have sex during your first year together and take one out each time you have sex after that first year, your stock of peas will last you a lifetime. He may feel that two or three times a week is as much as he needs at this stage in your relationship. You say that you never enjoyed sex before you got married and that it used to hurt. Maybe, now that you have started to enjoy it, you're in your 'first year' while your husband has moved on.

You say that you've talked to your husband but he just laughed it off. That is a bit worrying. It may be that two or three times a week is all he wants or can manage. Is his job stressful or very tiring? Is the baby affecting his sleep? Is the responsibility of fatherhood causing him stress? All those - and many other things - can have a huge effect on a man's libido. Even the worry that he's not performing as much as you or he might like can lead to a Catch-22 situation.

If you'd been together for 15 or 20 years I might suggest that you take an NSA lover but, in your situation, having a relationship with someone else is not a good idea at all. The only physical answer to your problem is a vibrator or masturbation. But I suggest that you also think about seeing a sex counsellor. Does the air force have a medical service that would give you access to one or your doctor may be able to refer you to one?

The one thing I do know is that, however financially helpful his friend's rent may be, his presence will not help your relationship with your husband. If he is there and your husband not, you're getting turned on by him. If they are both there together it's bound have a dampening effect on your sex life. Get rid of him.

And sorry, once again, for doubting you.

 

[bailadora]

If you'd been together for 15 or 20 years I might suggest that you take an NSA lover but, in your situation, having a relationship with someone else is not a good idea at all.

I think you gave great advice in the majority of your second post, Norfolklad, but IMO, taking an outside lover without the other partner's knowledge or consent isn't a good idea, regardless of how long they've been together. It's an excellent way to destroy trust, which might take years, if ever to repair.

I look at it like this: if there was a need my spouse felt I was not meeting, then I would want him to give me the opportunity to rectify the situation. If he felt it could only be met outside of our relationship, and if he wanted to take on another lover, then I would want the choice as to whether or not I wanted to remain in the relationship. While I might not like any of the options presented to me, I also wouldn't want to have someone else make the decision for me by keeping me in the dark. YMMV

 

[joyttworld]

No, its fine. I guess I can see how this situation is strange. My husband and I will be married two years in November, we actually conceived our son literally two days before the wedding when he came back from Basic Training lol. His libido didn't really change, we were each others first though (before that, I won't lie lol) but when were dating we never really did it a lot because we physically couldn't find anywhere to do it. Then we got married we enjoyed like... Three weeks of it before finding out I was pregnant. Honestly we never got very good at it because while I was pregnant I never wanted to do it and when I did he didn't. Now that it really feels great, like were more in sync and it doesn't hurt he still only wants do it every now and then. It makes me feel like he isn't enjoying it like I am but he says its great. I think it even turns him on that there's someone in the house sometimes, but its a mix of him not wanting to and the baby waking up at the worst times. It is really frustrating because, like you said, its usually the guy that complains about not getting it so he makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me. But my husband, he doesn't even like to cuddle. I can't get near him at ALL unless he wants to have sex. The ONLY thing I can do is wake him up with a blowjob but our son usually wakes up first so that really isn't an option most of the time. Yesterday, he came home for a break and I literally BEGGED him for a quickie. Our roommate was sleeping, the baby was sleeping its was perfect. He said no, we can do it tonight. He stayed up late watching a movie and went to bed just as our son was waking up! He's so Frustrating!!! I masturbated twice yesterday (our roomate was home) waiting for the real thing and still got left hanging. We had sex like three days ago and I still feel like its been forever. I just keep thinking that my sex drive is going to slow just in time for his to speed up and he's not going to deal with it as well as I am ): He thinks its unimportant but its effecting us. See, I feel guilty for even complaining about it at all.

 

[bailadora]

You guys are still pretty early in your marriage, but as you're finding out, we all go through seasons in life where our libidos aren't exactly in sync with each other. It's normal and it happens. But how you learn to cope and deal with it can have a tremendous effect on the health of your relationship. A lot, in part, because I think the person with the higher drive also feels a loss of intimacy, in addition to sexual satisfaction. And the one with the lower drive may feel guilt for not wanting or being able to meet their partner on the same level.

The good news is that you've come to a place where many of us have been through somewhat similar situations, and still managed to keep our relationships intact. Perhaps some of the things that worked for us will also work for you. I'm on my way out the door, but I'll check the thread later on today.

Hang in there, Joy. You're not alone.

 

[norfolklad]

No, its fine. I guess I can see how this situation is strange. My husband and I will be married two years in November, we actually conceived our son literally two days before the wedding when he came back from Basic Training lol. His libido didn't really change, we were each others first though (before that, I won't lie lol) but when were dating we never really did it a lot because we physically couldn't find anywhere to do it. Then we got married we enjoyed like... Three weeks of it before finding out I was pregnant. Honestly we never got very good at it because while I was pregnant I never wanted to do it and when I did he didn't. Now that it really feels great, like were more in sync and it doesn't hurt he still only wants do it every now and then. It makes me feel like he isn't enjoying it like I am but he says its great. I think it even turns him on that there's someone in the house sometimes, but its a mix of him not wanting to and the baby waking up at the worst times. It is really frustrating because, like you said, its usually the guy that complains about not getting it so he makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me. But my husband, he doesn't even like to cuddle. I can't get near him at ALL unless he wants to have sex. The ONLY thing I can do is wake him up with a blowjob but our son usually wakes up first so that really isn't an option most of the time. Yesterday, he came home for a break and I literally BEGGED him for a quickie. Our roommate was sleeping, the baby was sleeping its was perfect. He said no, we can do it tonight. He stayed up late watching a movie and went to bed just as our son was waking up! He's so Frustrating!!! I masturbated twice yesterday (our roomate was home) waiting for the real thing and still got left hanging. We had sex like three days ago and I still feel like its been forever. I just keep thinking that my sex drive is going to slow just in time for his to speed up and he's not going to deal with it as well as I am ): He thinks its unimportant but its effecting us. See, I feel guilty for even complaining about it at all.

No, you definitely shouldn't feel guilty about raising it.

Forget all those people who say that sex isn't that important, it's the rest of the relationship that matters. Sex does matter - believe me, if sex isn't right in many cases (ok, not all, before anyone quibbles) the rest of the relationship will follow it downhill. We are sexual beings and most of us don't do the celibate thing very well. (And, just to be pedantic, celibate actually means not being married, not abstaining from sex.)

Something in the back of my mind worries that maybe your husband is just not as wild about sex as you have turned out to be. I can't help feeling that there are probably a lot of guys on here who will read this and think "if only...".

I really do think you need to find out whether he's just got a low libido (maybe not an awful lot you can do about that) or whether there's some other reason for it. My ex-wife, for example, had been brought up to believe that sex and everything to do with it was dirty. (Her mother even told her that her period was getting rid of bad blood to stop it poisoning her!) She would never make love anywhere but at bedtime, in bed, and preferably with the light out.

You say that you were each other's first. That can be difficult. There is an assumption that, since sex is natural, we should all have an innate ability to do it properly without any need to learn. Actually, we don't - nor, for that matter, do animals.

For a man, speaking as one, the assumption that we will just be able to climb on board and perform to perfection from the very first time can be massively daunting. It's like being expected, the first time we pick up a tennis racquet, to be an Andy Murray or a Rafael Nadal.

Even when we gain a bit of experience, the thought may linger "Am I really doing it right? Am I really satisfying her?" That can be very off-putting. I don't suppose that I really became sexually confident for quite a few years - and it was probably only then through having a good few partners and discovering that they actually liked it and commented very favourably on my technique versus others they'd experienced. That route to confidence isn't open to you or your husband.

Maybe, too, he's still coming to terms with his sexuality and even that can be scary, discovering things about yourself that you never knew were there. Your comment that it seems to turn him on having someone else in the house while you're making love might point in that direction.

Given his reluctance to talk properly about it, I really do think that seeing a sex counsellor could help you. I fear, though, that you may have difficulty getting your husband to agree to it. An awful lot of men might regard the suggestion that they need help as an insult to their manhood - but it isn't. It's seeking to guidance to make your lives as rich and rewarding as possible.

 

[suckonsimon]

Joy, a couple of things you wrote: he doesn't cuddle unless he wants sex; he stayed up to watch a movie when you had begged him to come into you and he promised later. - both those things, frankly, are really concerning. Something is going on with him.

I so much hope it's that he can't be free with you because you've brought this other guy into your home. If that is the issue, he and you need to sort it.

But it could be deeper things within himself or his perception of your relationship. I so hope he, with your help, can come to a place where he can open up about whatever the problem is, and work it through.

There's been mention on the thread about a couple reducing the frequency of their sex as years go over. I want to cast a vote against that one: Married aged 23, our most frequent sex was in our 30s and 40s, and now at 60 it's still twice a day just occasionally and if we go a fortnight without [yes, it often does] that's too long for both of us. So! No gloomy assumptions about the way it has to work out in the long term, please!

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?

 

[suckonsimon]

Come again? It's no one's fault. Things like this happen. That's just the way it is. Placing blame solves no problem. Especially when there's nowhere to place the blame.

Dinkz, perhaps my meaning was not clear. I'm inviting her to give him the praise, not the blame, for igniting this passion in her! That's what I'm on about. I'm thinking that if he would only realize that he is the cause of her arousal, he might just be better at rising to satisfy it! No blaming suggested!

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?