How does online D/s relationship really work?

[SubToBe]

Hello,
I hope it's OK that I am asking this question. I am new and just trying to figure out how something like this actually works online? Or does it? Does the sub actually act out what is asked or is it just online acting? How does the Dom even know if what he asks is being done? Just confused and thought someone might be able to help. Thanks.

 

[Primalex]

Hello,
I hope it's OK that I am asking this question. I am new and just trying to figure out how something like this actually works online? Or does it? Does the sub actually act out what is asked or is it just online acting? How does the Dom even know if what he asks is being done? Just confused and thought someone might be able to help. Thanks.

Best is to view it as two different concepts entirely, very much like cyber sex and regular sex. Both is real. Both is about satisfying a need. Both "work" the way they are supposed to. But they are not the same, not even similar.


If the fantasy part takes a bigger role, without actually acting it out, it's usually (or should be) called sexual roleplaying. The different levels of desired reality between the persons involved is, I think, one of the biggest problems during the dating process. The rest is really part of subtle and not so subtle negotiations and there is not just one answer to, but as many answers as there are people.

How does the Dom know that you did what you were supposed to do? Well, there are two concepts:
a) The Dom doesn't care. It is assumed that you did as you were told, because, why else would you still be with the Dom, if you ignore what he says and you don't have fun? You wouldn't stick around in such a case. So in the end, it comes down to that you enjoy it and he enjoys it and that's sufficient.
b) The Dom does care. In such a case he will expect a proof, one way or the other.

Most often you'll end up in a mix between those two. Often a proof is also requested early, to figure out if you are actually only looking for sexual role playing or for reality and once this is cleared, the proof becomes less important over time.


In essence, the first step should be that you identify what you want to achieve.
Examples:
- Having someone to fuel you with live BDSM fantasies to masturbate to
- Getting a virtual friend with benefits, who is there for emotional and sexual support, but does not meddle with your real life at home
- Getting a friend with benefits, who also gets to have you in real life, as long as it's not getting too serious
- Finding a partner via the Internet, to share your life with in the real world, to marry and live together in harmony for eternity
...


HTH

 

[SubToBe]

Best is to view it as two different concepts entirely, very much like cyber sex and regular sex. Both is real. Both is about satisfying a need. Both "work" the way they are supposed to. But they are not the same, not even similar.


If the fantasy part takes a bigger role, without actually acting it out, it's usually (or should be) called sexual roleplaying. The different levels of desired reality between the persons involved is, I think, one of the biggest problems during the dating process. The rest is really part of subtle and not so subtle negotiations and there is not just one answer to, but as many answers as there are people.

How does the Dom know that you did what you were supposed to do? Well, there are two concepts:
a) The Dom doesn't care. It is assumed that you did as you were told, because, why else would you still be with the Dom, if you ignore what he says and you don't have fun? You wouldn't stick around in such a case. So in the end, it comes down to that you enjoy it and he enjoys it and that's sufficient.
b) The Dom does care. In such a case he will expect a proof, one way or the other.

Most often you'll end up in a mix between those two. Often a proof is also requested early, to figure out if you are actually only looking for sexual role playing or for reality and once this is cleared, the proof becomes less important over time.


In essence, the first step should be that you identify what you want to achieve.
Examples:
- Having someone to fuel you with live BDSM fantasies to masturbate to
- Getting a virtual friend with benefits, who is there for emotional and sexual support, but does not meddle with your real life at home
- Getting a friend with benefits, who also gets to have you in real life, as long as it's not getting too serious
- Finding a partner via the Internet, to share your life with in the real world, to marry and live together in harmony for eternity
...


HTH

Thank you so much for your reply. This really helps!

 

[KlaytonFrost]

How any given online relationship might work is really down to the people involved. You need to work out what is right for you, and what you want to be involved in. Talk it out with your prospective online partner and see what comes up.

 

[FurryFury]

I urge you, if at all possible, to try a munch and to meet people in real time, skin to skin, rather than try to do things like this online. I've done both.

Online is fraught with issues that usually make it pretty unsatisfying and unsustainable. At the same time, at first online can seem very real and engrossing which only makes the pain of it not working harder than one would expect.

Online is also full of people that want you to reveal your face, your privates and your contact information to be possible spread throughout cyber space. I'm not into that since it can dangerous to you in your work situation and socially if it comes out to the wrong person at the wrong time.

In person you have a better chance of creating a relationship that might work.

JMO.

 

[MasterKenz2000]

It is always easier to meet up and that is what most people prefer and it is for real. Quite often, the online thing is not real and no commitment. Sometimes, one party may just disappeared overtime.

However, some online training works when both are honest and usually it is a good ground to try out each other if they can work out a common desire that meets their needs. It is not a wise idea to commit as slave to ANYONE and find it hard to cope and not a pleasant experience later. Similarly, it is not a good idea to relocate a slave to you only to find out later that he/she does not met your requirement.

So, the online relationship telling the other what you want and expected to do. The cyber part will again tell your usual responses and this give confident to the real hooking up.

 

[switch_diana]

How any given online relationship might work is really down to the people involved. You need to work out what is right for you, and what you want to be involved in. Talk it out with your prospective online partner and see what comes up.

I agree with this. I've had very satisfying and long term relationships online, but there are also many that fizzle. You need to communicate and find someone compatible with what you're looking to get out of it.

 

[Primalex]

Online is also full of people that want you to reveal your face, your privates and your contact information

which is not the case in real life....

In person you have a better chance of creating a relationship that might work.

Yes, but you are not necessarily faster. Online means having to sort out more people, offline means meeting less persons. Overall, the difficulty to finding a match really depends more on the personality and expectations than the method that is used.

 

[FurryFury]

Of course, what was a thinking? Online is totally better than skin to skin, in person relationship.

which is not the case in real life....



Yes, but you are not necessarily faster. Online means having to sort out more people, offline means meeting less persons. Overall, the difficulty to finding a match really depends more on the personality and expectations than the method that is used.

 

[DVS]

Hello,
I hope it's OK that I am asking this question. I am new and just trying to figure out how something like this actually works online? Or does it? Does the sub actually act out what is asked or is it just online acting? How does the Dom even know if what he asks is being done? Just confused and thought someone might be able to help. Thanks.

You ask some very good questions. Your answers are going to be as individual as the partner you end up with. Personally, I'm not much into online play, but I know it is possible and you can get some great satisfaction from it. But, you can often be fooled by someone who pretends to be someone they really aren't because it's very possible to do.

How two people relate to each other is what counts. Either skin to skin or online, it's up to the people involved to communicate in a way that makes the relationship work. As for proof that something has been done? I'm one that would be more inclined to believe the submissive fulfilled the task and not demand physical proof. Maybe an account of what the submissive did, how she felt while doing it, etc. would be enough proof.

But, some are going to want physical proof for their satisfaction. That sometimes means pictures going through the Internet. I don't like doing that, because once a picture is out there, you can't ever get it back. Be cautious about any picture that shows faces or anything that can identify you. Of course, this is just my opinion. There are many people out there who do this and have no issues with it.

Every relationship begins with two opinions. Communication and negotiation is just a part of getting to know each other. Personally, I'd hold back any real emotional connection, make it just good sex. I know it's often difficult to do that, but there are those who choose the online relationship, because it's very easy to simply vanish, if the relationship is no longer satisfying them. That can be traumatic for the other person, especially when they are left with all kinds of unanswered questions.

If one of you requests something the other can't reciprocate, don't be someone you wouldn't be in real life. I know it's just online, but you either end up lying to your partner that you did something you didn't really do, or you do it and then you're lying to yourself. There's a whole lot of fish in the online sea. Find someone who fits your desires.

 

[msteel4u]

Hello,
I hope it's OK that I am asking this question. I am new and just trying to figure out how something like this actually works online? Or does it? Does the sub actually act out what is asked or is it just online acting? How does the Dom even know if what he asks is being done? Just confused and thought someone might be able to help. Thanks.

First, it is always, always, OK to ask questions. You should have as much information available to you as possible. You have gotten some good answers, but let me share my thoughts.

Does this work on-line. Absolutely. But going into it, you have to realize that it is a much different relationship than real life. You have to operate within the boundaries of the on-line experience. People's reasons vary. For some it is a safe way to explore this deep seated desire to be submissive or Dominant. For some r/l have restrictions that preclude being able to participate fully in the lifestyle. Others want to discover exactly what they want from their submissive or Dom side. I tried r/l and I have had on-line. Does it work? Yes. I am/ or was as the case may be, just in the best relationship I ever had on-line. She will always be one of the top loves of my life. For me, it was as real as it gets.

Play and exploration is one of the things that have to be worked out between Dom and sub. Much like real life, you have to understand your own limitations and the Dom must honor them. If you meet a Dom who doesn't earnestly ask for your limits, be very afraid. Also, a Dom should always be concerned for the welfare of his sub and not put them in harms way. But assuming these two things are in order, then as a submissive, if you are asked to do something, you should carry it out. If you don't, then you might want to revisit if you are truly submissive.

How does the Dom know if the sub carried out what was asked, honesty and trust. That is at the core of an on-line relationship. In parting, let me offer you some unsolicited advice. Explore on-line with a very open but cautious approach. As in many things, one has to be careful of those who mean you harm. A real Dom for example will respect your safety and should not ask for your last name, address, etc, until time and trust are built up. Maybe never! There are a lot of trolls out there. People who are not "Doms" and won't respect a sub. Those experiences will turn you off on the lifestyle. Don't let it. As the saying goes, you might have to kiss a few frogs to finally get a prince.

In Domination,

Steel

 

[lucyforever]

Hello,
I hope it's OK that I am asking this question. I am new and just trying to figure out how something like this actually works online? Or does it? Does the sub actually act out what is asked or is it just online acting? How does the Dom even know if what he asks is being done? Just confused and thought someone might be able to help. Thanks.

correct me if i am wrong: i think the question about "how do you know if the other is actually doing what is asked" is pretty much the same for any virtual context. it's the same with cybersex. how do you know if the other person is who she says she is, if she's wearing what she says she's wearing, if she's doing whatever she says she's doing? we don't. and i'd like to honestly ask then: does it really matter? if you're turned on, if your needs are being met, if what you want is a virtual dynamic... is it really important that the other is doing exactly what you expect? maybe the turn on for him is lying, and he's getting his needs met by doing so...

i don't know. i always think about this and about that documentary "catfish", about virtual relationships that were major disappointments once they tried to become "real"... i think the safe way to do it is to not change the dynamic; if it's virtual, keep it so. don't try to evolve from virtual to real. if you want to, you have to be way more careful. but if it's virtual all you want, i really think it does not matter what happens on the other side "for real", as long as it happens virtually.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Interesting thread. Thank you SubToBe for starting it.

Best is to view it as two different concepts entirely, very much like cyber sex and regular sex. Both is real. Both is about satisfying a need. Both "work" the way they are supposed to. But they are not the same, not even similar.


If the fantasy part takes a bigger role, without actually acting it out, it's usually (or should be) called sexual roleplaying. The different levels of desired reality between the persons involved is, I think, one of the biggest problems during the dating process. The rest is really part of subtle and not so subtle negotiations and there is not just one answer to, but as many answers as there are people.

How does the Dom know that you did what you were supposed to do? Well, there are two concepts:
a) The Dom doesn't care. It is assumed that you did as you were told, because, why else would you still be with the Dom, if you ignore what he says and you don't have fun? You wouldn't stick around in such a case. So in the end, it comes down to that you enjoy it and he enjoys it and that's sufficient.
b) The Dom does care. In such a case he will expect a proof, one way or the other.

Most often you'll end up in a mix between those two. Often a proof is also requested early, to figure out if you are actually only looking for sexual role playing or for reality and once this is cleared, the proof becomes less important over time.


In essence, the first step should be that you identify what you want to achieve.
Examples:
- Having someone to fuel you with live BDSM fantasies to masturbate to
- Getting a virtual friend with benefits, who is there for emotional and sexual support, but does not meddle with your real life at home
- Getting a friend with benefits, who also gets to have you in real life, as long as it's not getting too serious
- Finding a partner via the Internet, to share your life with in the real world, to marry and live together in harmony for eternity
...


HTH

Do you agree with the people who say that online is a good way to find out if you're compatible with someone or if/what part of BDSM is for you?

I have a hard time understanding how that could work because to me there are a lot of things that are very hot as a fantasy, but don't work well in reality.
It's also much easier to want to rub someones feet for the whole evening than actually doing it when you had a bad day yourself and just want to read the last chapters of the book waiting by the bed.

The bolded part can't be bolded enough, I think.
It's just like going to the mall. If you wander around there aimlessly, you come home with a lot of crap you didn't want.

 

[Primalex]

Do you agree with the people who say that online is a good way to find out if you're compatible with someone or if/what part of BDSM is for you?

No.


The benefit of online search is that you get a selection of prospects independent from being at the right time at the right place.
Not more.
Not less.

I have a hard time understanding how that could work because to me there are a lot of things that are very hot as a fantasy, but don't work well in reality.

This is not an online problem though. Masturbating to a hot fantasy that you would never act out happens even without a computer

It's also much easier to want to rub someones feet for the whole evening than actually doing it when you had a bad day yourself and just want to read the last chapters of the book waiting by the bed.

That's right. Online tells you if you are compatible online. You can't make the conclusion that this works out in real life. And, the weird thing is, the opposite is true, too. You can be a great combo in real life and be totally incompatible online.

 

[IrisAlthea]

This is not an online problem though. Masturbating to a hot fantasy that you would never act out happens even without a computer

=)
Life would be bleak otherwise.

That's right. Online tells you if you are compatible online. You can't make the conclusion that this works out in real life. And, the weird thing is, the opposite is true, too. You can be a great combo in real life and be totally incompatible online.

Yes, the opposite I know.
Sucks when you meet great people who live too far away and how dare people move away?

 

[nodakgirl]

Dear newbie

I started playing online and had mixed experiences with D/s. I think mostly because I wasn't meeting people who had enough face to face experiences... Lol.

However, I think it was worthwhile and time well spent overall. For me it was a gateway to finding and meeting kinksters face to face. I learned about myself online, and I am richer for those experiences.

Just don't rule out face to face. Both types of play can be involving...emotionally and physically in their own ways. Just totally different.

 

[Endless_Night]

I'd considered trying online submission at one point, but just couldn't see how the mechanics could make it emotionally fulfilling. My need for control wars with my desire for sexual submission, and I seem to need a little force stirred into the mix. How do you apply a "force" dynamic online? Role play? Somehow the thought leaves me unmoved.

Im curious. Has anyone else with similar issues found satisfaction online?

 

[Prof Bill]

As have a goodly number on here, I've had online D/s relationships, real life D/s relationships, online D/s relationships that became real life, and D/s relationships that began with a face-to-face introduction or meeting. Each is different, each has its value (in my opinion), and each can be quite pleasurable.

Let me offer one piece of advice and then make a sweeping generalization or two. The advice is to read Stella Omega's brief essay defining terms. In and of itself I suspect it can answer many questions newbies will have. It should certainly help the newbie discover what he or she really desires in a D/s or BDSM relationship.

And now the sweeping generalizations. Real life will be quite different from online. When we're online, we're all breathtakingly handsome and beautiful, we are perfectly coordinated, and we each meet the other's idea of perfection. We are the most exciting and accomplished lovers anyone could hope to have, able to push each and every button perfectly and turn each other on in ways we've never imagined before. If you don't think this is great fun, you've never done it.

In real life, however, life intrudes and we discover partners who need sleep, or who have the flu, or who might not really like to be strung up by their heels and flogged with a cat-o'-nine-tails. We find "real submissives" who are quite happy to tell their "true Dominants" exactly how they want to be made love to, exactly how they will serve the Dominant and when, and so on. Believe it or not, this can be fun, also--at least for a while.

My advice (second phase)? Keep reading, try to find munches to attend where you'll meet people who are active in the scene, get on fetlife (which I've never been on but is recommended by people who seem to know what they're talking about), and--most important--go slowly.

And good luck. And have fun.

 

[Endless_Night]

<We are the most exciting and accomplished lovers anyone could hope to have, able to push each and every button perfectly and turn each other on in ways we've never imagined before.If you don't think this is great fun, you've never done it.>

Ah, nicely put. I see the appeal. There is emotional satisfaction to be had, just a different type than found in a face-to-face encounter.

Thanks, Prof Bill.

 

[LadiLucki7]

Hmm that's so true I never thought to that notion....that would definitely suck but nothing you can really do to help it I guess.

 

[siobhansmut]

it doesn't. its a sad diversion for people not motivated enough to actually live in real life.

 

[LadiLucki7]

Yes. While I consider myself a definite newbie, I like to think I have a pretty good sense in what I want and strictly online is definitely not the route for me. But good luck with your experience as well

 

[mcauburn]

edited