A little overwhelmed, where to start?

[LittleOne14385]

Hello all,

I have been a member with Lit for awhile now and up until recently haven't really even been on the Lit forums except for a one time question about a story.

Here is my question, my significant other and I are seeking to experiment more with D/s play. Personally I have a little experience with a Dominant a number of years ago but I'm now finding that I'm craving that play to transition us out of vanilla sex.

He is more than happy to experiment with this world but I'm finding myself struggling with where to start. I have numerous stories and drawings on Lit about different experiences that I have and fantasies over experiences that I would like to have. I want so badly to have him be Dominant in the bedroom but I'm finding it confusing to transition the mindset to one of D/s. He is more than excited to dive in feet first but although I want it I'm just scared that in his forward ho attitude he may cross a line and burn me with going beyond my limits.

Knowing the D/s I had a number of years ago I know the difference in dynamic and it leaves me curious if it is in fact possible to have D/s fun without living in the lifestyle 24/7 and where to even start?

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Maybe-- try starting with topping and bottoming first. Let the dominance come naturally.

 

[LittleOne14385]

Maybe-- try starting with topping and bottoming first. Let the dominance come naturally.

I've heard the terms but I'm not sure that I completely understand them.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I've heard the terms but I'm not sure that I completely understand them.

There's an essay in my signature that addresses just that very question!

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

You can Google a BDSM checklist and specify one or two elements at a time that you are willing to experiment with. That way you can add specific elements when you are ready.
You also mention that you are afraid he will cross a line and burn you by going beyond your limits. You should discuss that concern with him so that he knows how you feel, and of course have a plan so you can call a stop to things if you really need to. He needs to be willing to control himself off you need him to.
Just because you will be subjecting yourself to his will doesn't mean you are a doormat. You set up the boundaries, and then he gets to play IN THAT SPACE. You will no doubt have to discuss that space over and over, and it should shift as you get more comfortable.
You are the one initiating it, so just make sure that you continue to have a say in the path you take. Good luck and have fun
C/C

 

[LittleOne14385]

I've heard the terms but I'm not sure that I completely understand them.

Thank you Stella_Omega, that does provide some perspective.

Also Collar N Cuffs, we have tried to talk through things we would like to explore I'm just not 100% sure that he understands when I'm telling him no in a real sense. I think he assumes that being "dominating" means that he does what he wants disregarding what I say and I know this to be the opposite. As the submissive I know that I actually hold the control or the cards per se but any time I try to communicate to him or say "no", he gets upset and feels that I'm not "playing the game right."

I know I'm rambling I'm just not sure how to express what I'm trying to say I guess.

 

[Eastcoast1956]

Hello all,

I have been a member with Lit for awhile now and up until recently haven't really even been on the Lit forums except for a one time question about a story.

Here is my question, my significant other and I are seeking to experiment more with D/s play. Personally I have a little experience with a Dominant a number of years ago but I'm now finding that I'm craving that play to transition us out of vanilla sex.

He is more than happy to experiment with this world but I'm finding myself struggling with where to start. I have numerous stories and drawings on Lit about different experiences that I have and fantasies over experiences that I would like to have. I want so badly to have him be Dominant in the bedroom but I'm finding it confusing to transition the mindset to one of D/s. He is more than excited to dive in feet first but although I want it I'm just scared that in his forward ho attitude he may cross a line and burn me with going beyond my limits.

Knowing the D/s I had a number of years ago I know the difference in dynamic and it leaves me curious if it is in fact possible to have D/s fun without living in the lifestyle 24/7 and where to even start?

Any advice would be appreciated.

I find getting undressed opening my mouth and sucking the dick of the man without objection is a good starting point. Also spread my legs and let him have a good tast

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Thank you Stella_Omega, that does provide some perspective.

Also Collar N Cuffs, we have tried to talk through things we would like to explore I'm just not 100% sure that he understands when I'm telling him no in a real sense. I think he assumes that being "dominating" means that he does what he wants disregarding what I say and I know this to be the opposite. As the submissive I know that I actually hold the control or the cards per se but any time I try to communicate to him or say "no", he gets upset and feels that I'm not "playing the game right."

I know I'm rambling I'm just not sure how to express what I'm trying to say I guess.

I think I understand. Have you tried being this direct with him? HEY! Listen up, being the Dom it's NOT like a Get Out Of Jail Free card!! Have you tried that? Because it sounds to me like you might be having some communication / understanding challenges. Is that the case?

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Actually, I think you should have HIM read Stella Omega's essay with extra sparkle... would that help?

 

[Prof Bill]

Hello all,

I have been a member with Lit for awhile now and up until recently haven't really even been on the Lit forums except for a one time question about a story.

Here is my question, my significant other and I are seeking to experiment more with D/s play. Personally I have a little experience with a Dominant a number of years ago but I'm now finding that I'm craving that play to transition us out of vanilla sex.

He is more than happy to experiment with this world but I'm finding myself struggling with where to start. I have numerous stories and drawings on Lit about different experiences that I have and fantasies over experiences that I would like to have. I want so badly to have him be Dominant in the bedroom but I'm finding it confusing to transition the mindset to one of D/s. He is more than excited to dive in feet first but although I want it I'm just scared that in his forward ho attitude he may cross a line and burn me with going beyond my limits.

Knowing the D/s I had a number of years ago I know the difference in dynamic and it leaves me curious if it is in fact possible to have D/s fun without living in the lifestyle 24/7 and where to even start?

Any advice would be appreciated.

I think you can always trust Stella for good advice (and already written suggestions, which can be printed and shared). I'll return to a common answer for me: communicate. When I started, we all used some kind of questionnaire and it was a lengthy one with a great deal of detail. I would ask my potential sub to fill it out, we would meet, I would review it with her and tell her my answers to the same questions. We'd do this over coffee or lunch or something like this--in a public place and after she had arranged for safe calls. By the time we'd finished our discussion, we had a good idea of what each of us enjoyed, what we wanted to bring to and receive from the relationship, what our limits were (at least at that time on that day), and how we wanted to proceed. I'm sure there are dozens of such lists online in various places (probably on lit, to make it easy), but if you can't find one let me know and I'll send you a copy of the one I've used. Finally, remember these suggestions: there is no rush; change is inevitable; limits are meant to be respected but pushed; it's all sensual and sexual and different people react differently to different physical stimuli; and it's supposed to be fun. Enjoy and good luck.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thank you Stella_Omega, that does provide some perspective.

Also Collar N Cuffs, we have tried to talk through things we would like to explore I'm just not 100% sure that he understands when I'm telling him no in a real sense. I think he assumes that being "dominating" means that he does what he wants disregarding what I say and I know this to be the opposite. As the submissive I know that I actually hold the control or the cards per se but any time I try to communicate to him or say "no", he gets upset and feels that I'm not "playing the game right."

I know I'm rambling I'm just not sure how to express what I'm trying to say I guess.

This is why I suggested you take "dominate" and "submit" out of the conversation for a while. And it's why I wrote that essay.

Because really-- that's not completely true. the word "submit" has a very definite meaning. We can be provisionally submissive, which is what you're talking about (and is far healthier for nearly all of us) but submission really does mean giving up your power. It's foolish to forget that, and if that's not your intent, you MUST make sure the boundaries are clear.

You may very well be submissive by nature, but that doesn't mean you will submit to someone you don't trust yet. If that's what he really wants, he's going to have to earn it by showing some proficiency.

Start off by calling it "play" and concentrate on the physical side for a while.

 

[Dyslexicea]

Thank you Stella_Omega, that does provide some perspective.

Also Collar N Cuffs, we have tried to talk through things we would like to explore I'm just not 100% sure that he understands when I'm telling him no in a real sense. I think he assumes that being "dominating" means that he does what he wants disregarding what I say and I know this to be the opposite. As the submissive I know that I actually hold the control or the cards per se but any time I try to communicate to him or say "no", he gets upset and feels that I'm not "playing the game right."

I know I'm rambling I'm just not sure how to express what I'm trying to say I guess.

I'm not sure I agree with you that as a submissive you hold the control unless you mean you have the right to set your own limits, in short practices you believe are safe, sane and consensual. Saying no should mean NO, if he can't respect your limits and goes beyond those it is not dominance it is abuse.

He/she has every right to push your limits, you may find as I did, my Domme pushing my limits expanded my rather limited concepts of what I really wanted or could tolerate but regardless I always have the right to say no, even for things we've already done and may do again. Don't take this to mean it's all about your Dom/Domme, you have every right to have your sexual desires fulfilled, including orgasms, just like he/she does, if it doesn't work for both of you what's the point.

 

[LittleOne14385]

This is why I suggested you take "dominate" and "submit" out of the conversation for a while. And it's why I wrote that essay.

Because really-- that's not completely true. the word "submit" has a very definite meaning. We can be provisionally submissive, which is what you're talking about (and is far healthier for nearly all of us) but submission really does mean giving up your power. It's foolish to forget that, and if that's not your intent, you MUST make sure the boundaries are clear.

You may very well be submissive by nature, but that doesn't mean you will submit to someone you don't trust yet. If that's what he really wants, he's going to have to earn it by showing some proficiency.

Start off by calling it "play" and concentrate on the physical side for a while.

Thank you everyone for the perspectives. In my statement about having the cards it was simply to imply that in reality my limits would define the outline for our experiences as he doesn't seem to have a single limit.

The idea of the checklist may be wise at this point, we have talked in detail about what we do and don't want and I've been proud of my ability to communicate clearly my limits. My issue is that I think he is misunderstanding the realities of a Dominant. As someone who has survived vicious sexaul assault in my life, I am very vocal when something concerns me.

It just seems that he listens then he starts "playing" and ignores me when I voice concern that he may be crossing one of my lines. I'm just not sure where to go from here aside from shutting everything down and going back to vanilla sex which is NOT of interest at all.

I'm so confused.

 

[Prof Bill]

Thank you everyone for the perspectives. In my statement about having the cards it was simply to imply that in reality my limits would define the outline for our experiences as he doesn't seem to have a single limit.

The idea of the checklist may be wise at this point, we have talked in detail about what we do and don't want and I've been proud of my ability to communicate clearly my limits. My issue is that I think he is misunderstanding the realities of a Dominant. As someone who has survived vicious sexaul assault in my life, I am very vocal when something concerns me.

It just seems that he listens then he starts "playing" and ignores me when I voice concern that he may be crossing one of my lines. I'm just not sure where to go from here aside from shutting everything down and going back to vanilla sex which is NOT of interest at all.

I'm so confused.

OK, Little One. Bells just went off, red flags jumped in the breeze. ". . . he listens then he starts 'playing' AND IGNORES ME WHEN I VOICE CONCERN (emphasis mine) that he may be crossing one of my lines."

Personally, and based only on what has been written by you so far, I suggest you begin a quick withdrawal (no matter how emotionally painful) and begin a re-examination of yourself and what you want. People who listen and do not respect limits are not to be trusted, in my experience.

I can understand your confusion and I wish you good luck.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Are you guys in a reasonably metropolitan area? You might look for munches and classes from within the community. A lot of guys who won't listen to their partners, will learn something from a mentor-- male, of course.
This is where community can be important. To find them, join fetlife.com and search for your area.

If he is a reader, there are some excellent books available.

And if all else fails, you should really listen to Prof Bill.

 

[LadiLucki7]

Very great advice. Semi newbie here as well ! Good luck

 

[LittleOne14385]

Thank you Prof Bill and Stella_Omega I will definitely look into the community events in the hopes that he'll get more of an understanding from others in the community. We had kind of an episode today after he crossed a line and I flat out told him that for right now we need to put this sort of play aside until we can define our no go areas.

I also was very clear in saying that if we can't find that balance it may be that unfortunately we're not meant to have a "lifestyle" relationship. I'm praying this is not the case because that would leave me empty in that regard but I think it got my point across.

Thank you everyone, it's nice to know that I'm not crazy.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Thank you Prof Bill and Stella_Omega I will definitely look into the community events in the hopes that he'll get more of an understanding from others in the community. We had kind of an episode today after he crossed a line and I flat out told him that for right now we need to put this sort of play aside until we can define our no go areas.

I also was very clear in saying that if we can't find that balance it may be that unfortunately we're not meant to have a "lifestyle" relationship. I'm praying this is not the case because that would leave me empty in that regard but I think it got my point across.

Thank you everyone, it's nice to know that I'm not crazy.

I think you did the right thing! And congrats on having the chutzpah to do it However things work out, at least you are on your own terms. This may be what he needs to understand your limits... I hope so.

 

[LittleOne14385]

I think you did the right thing! And congrats on having the chutzpah to do it However things work out, at least you are on your own terms. This may be what he needs to understand your limits... I hope so.

I could not agreed MORE!