Tsotha
donnyQ
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2013
- Posts
- 1,462
Hello, everyone. You may have seen me around, writing some stuff.
I've been holding off on submitting, or even asking for feedback here, because I didn't want to waste your time with something that not even I consider read-worthy. Which ends in a conundrum: while I know what I like, I don't know why I like it, I don't know if what I like is "good", I don't even know if it is a poem (you'll notice I created a thread asking what a poem is).
So... Perhaps I should ask for some guidance. I was thinking about which of mine to present and ask for feedback. Should I present what I consider to be the best? Should I present one that I have mixed feelings about (which can be improved more)? In the end, I've decided for this one, which Desejo and Neonurotic liked, as I participated in the 30 in 30.
What can you tell me about improving this? Go ahead and tear it apart. No mercy.
I've been holding off on submitting, or even asking for feedback here, because I didn't want to waste your time with something that not even I consider read-worthy. Which ends in a conundrum: while I know what I like, I don't know why I like it, I don't know if what I like is "good", I don't even know if it is a poem (you'll notice I created a thread asking what a poem is).
So... Perhaps I should ask for some guidance. I was thinking about which of mine to present and ask for feedback. Should I present what I consider to be the best? Should I present one that I have mixed feelings about (which can be improved more)? In the end, I've decided for this one, which Desejo and Neonurotic liked, as I participated in the 30 in 30.
You and me,
we are like a bonsai tree.
A pretty seed meant for great things
planted in a pot too small.
A young trunk made gnarled by force,
sustained by roots grown too big,
too starved, pushing the envelope,
sustaining thin, atrophied limbs,
cut again and again,
never meant to bear fruit.
An experiment,
perfect in its execution,
perhaps good for exposition.
we are like a bonsai tree.
A pretty seed meant for great things
planted in a pot too small.
A young trunk made gnarled by force,
sustained by roots grown too big,
too starved, pushing the envelope,
sustaining thin, atrophied limbs,
cut again and again,
never meant to bear fruit.
An experiment,
perfect in its execution,
perhaps good for exposition.
What can you tell me about improving this? Go ahead and tear it apart. No mercy.