My first story....would love to know what people think

[ExiledWelshman]

So after being a (very) long time reader of Literotica I decided to take the pluge and put fingers to keyboard.

The story is 2 chapters in so far. I have no idea how far it can go, but I have a fair amount of ideas.

I know that, so far, it is far from perfect and would appreciate any constructive feedback anyone is kind enough to give me.

Enjoy (I hope!).

Chapter 1: http://www.literotica.com/s/helping-hands-horny-hands

Chapter 2: http://www.literotica.com/s/helping-hands-horny-hands-ch-02

Thanks.

 

[Bert_Fegg]

Well, they do say that if all the women in Manchester were laid end to end along Deansgate - Nobody would be surprised

Not a bad start m8 - keep going...

 

[ExiledWelshman]

Well, they do say that if all the women in Manchester were laid end to end along Deansgate - Nobody would be surprised

Not a bad start m8 - keep going...

ha cheers pal

 

[DeathAndTaxes]

So this was your first story on Lit, and this is my first time I've picked a story from the Feedback forum to read and comment on, so we've both been deflowered.

I think you're off to a good start, and it will be interesting to see if you write more chapters with these two characters - what other creative play will they get up to? Will Sarah bring a friend? Guess we'll have to find out!

For my personal taste the sex acts were a bit vanilla, but that is probably because I usually find myself in the BDSM or Non-Con/Reluctance section - like I said this is the first random story I've picked up from this forum and I had no idea what section it would be in.

What DID do it for me was because of your user name I heard the story in my head in a Welsh accent, and I'm one of those American broads who hears a voice from across the pond and becomes a bit restless in my seat.

Keep writing!

 

[ExiledWelshman]

Chapter 3 is up for anyone interested.

 

[thefoxwhisperer]

Nice story Mate. I'd recommend using more contractions and try to remove extraneous words. It helps the readers flow, especially when written from a first person view.

For example:
"Now, I am going to go and get us some more wine. While I am gone, I want you do undress and lay on the bed, face down."

Change to:
"I'm going to get us more wine. While I'm gone, I want you to undress and lie face down on the bed."

Keep up the good work.

Cheers!

 

[ExiledWelshman]

Nice story Mate. I'd recommend using more contractions and try to remove extraneous words. It helps the readers flow, especially when written from a first person view.

For example:
"Now, I am going to go and get us some more wine. While I am gone, I want you do undress and lay on the bed, face down."

Change to:
"I'm going to get us more wine. While I'm gone, I want you to undress and lie face down on the bed."

Keep up the good work.

Cheers!

Thanks for the advice mate, much appreciated.

 

[prettyserpentine]

Hi!

Just read your story, and this is my first time providing feedback too! Anyway, the only complaint I had was that there wasn't more! I thought it was great, it's my first time reading a story about a bigger lady, and as I happen to be one myself, it was nice to see the appreciation! Keep up the good work!

 

[ExiledWelshman]

Hi!

Just read your story, and this is my first time providing feedback too! Anyway, the only complaint I had was that there wasn't more! I thought it was great, it's my first time reading a story about a bigger lady, and as I happen to be one myself, it was nice to see the appreciation! Keep up the good work!

Thanks, glad you like! There's more on the way soon!

 

[robertreams]

I stopped reading when I got to clothing sizes and bra sizes.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Read all three chapters.

I think the story has some very good aspects, and is definately describing a horny situation, however I think there are a few things to bear in mind.

Firstly, as a style thing, you tend to give each sentence its own paragraph. It'd be easier to read if you grouped the sentences together, otherwise everything seems rather abrupt. Also chapters one and two would be better as one chapter and you should publish chapters three and four together, as none of them are too long and you really want to have a sex scene in each chapter, otherwise you one chapter with all buildup and no sex and another chapter with no buildup and all sex/

Given that the main kink in the story is older larger women, I think you need to spend a little bit more time describing Sarah physically. Although robertreams was quite abrupt with his criticism, he is right that you need to do more than just list ages and dress sizes. For example at the start of chapter one, the main character notes that he is attracted to Sarah, seeing her from behind, but the reader doesn't get any sense at this point that she is particularly a larger/older woman. I think we also need a little more about why this guy likes older/larger women and what his history with this kind of woman is.

Finally I'd be interested in knowing which British town this is taking place in, from the slang and references to frozen pizza, it seems like a tale of working-class folk; given that Sarah is "a local lass" it would be nice to know exactly where so we get a clearer picture of what she's like, accent and so on.

 

[Bettyspages]

I read the first two parts. I'm having trouble with the word "wank". It makes me laugh. But I'm American.
I think this story is for men and I don't think men would want to hear about how short and chubby the main character is.
I don't know if sizes run differently there but in the US a size 18 would BBW territory.

I like a good cougar story, but it seemed a little too "and then this happened and then this and this" without good descriptions of the full sensual experience or any tension between them.
Take it for what it's worth I'm new too!

I probably won't read the third part because I am bored to tears by the bisexual woman introducing her bisexual friends to a man. It's kind of a male thing I think.

 

[robertreams]

Ho Hum! My cock,her big boobs, Amazing! All done . Let's shower, dick wet cunt cum, Done. Sorry, but it is only about 1/2 on the peter meter. not even a tiny blood surge. And you need to find things to say besides dick, cunt, boobs, amazing. What did her juicy wet cunt looklike? Di the deep blood red inner lips pooch out to crab our cock as you withdrew? What did your cock look like? Pink? Dark? Ominous? Fearsome? scarred? White, long? Curved up, down, left, right? And your orgasms do not even exist. If my orgasms were as short as your entire lovemaking, I would swear off sex forever. One would assume it would take longet to write about it than to actually do it, but not in your case. Did you ever hear of foreplay?

I do not mean to be insulting. At first your writing seemed perfecly fine, terse and to the point. Then we got to the sex and it seemed to be written by someone who had never had sex with a woman, I mean there was so little there to appreciate.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think robertreams was having a bad hair day.

True, you do use numbers and sizes which are traditionally a turn-off for many readers. This;

Size 18, maybe? About the same height as me, 5 foot 7, wonderful boobs, which I later found to be size 40 EE, and a very nice face, which lit up when she smiled. I put her at about 55 to my 32.

would make a lot of readers click back. Try description;

"Her voluptuous curves captivated me. We stood eye to eye even though my friends tease me about being quite short. Her breasts were magnificent, very large and inviting a tongue to caress the perky nipples. She smiled and I melted as her beautiful face lit up. I guessed she was a good twenty years older than me at not much over thirty."

Not Shakespeare but it makes the point.

A slow build-up is great, on Lit there are specialists saying, "You have to plow through an eternity of pages to get to the good stuff. You have the opposite failing. After building to the great erotic scene you don't finish what you started.

The climax is anything but an erotic high. We do need the sex scene to be erotic. Either/both need to be leading to a climactic moment at the end of the story. You do need a 'Big Bang' in my opinion.

 

[observer7]

I think robertreams was having a bad hair day.

More like robertdreams is on the rag.

Don't mean to be insulting? Please, robbo. Yeah, you do. Just own it like a wanker.

Agree with the earlier gal on Welsh accents, though.