Where Did I Go Wrong?

[harmonyjones]

Alright so I am seriously pursuing a career in writing. I haven't submitted any work to a publisher yet because a lot of the feedback I was getting from friends and relatives was that my romance scenes needed work, relationship dynamics weren't believable, and that dialogue seemed forced. A friend of mine told me that I should try writing erotic stories in order to work on my romance stuff. Since I can't share these types of stories with most of my friends (and definitely not my relatives) I thought posting here would be the best thing to do. Plus I've been a Lit reader for... going on 10 years now... *blushing*

I started writing the story which has been posted already, which is loosely based on my own personal experiences (since I thought that would be easiest to start with) and I've been having so much fun with it that I really want to keep writing erotic stories and also finish the story I've started. I want to work up to where I can write something entirely fictional and actually finish it. I've been using the votes on my stories to kind of gauge my ability. Not sure if that's a good idea or not though since I'm starting to realize that voting up or down depends on whether the reader was aroused by the content, and I have no control over what individuals are aroused by.


So, I honestly thought that this particular chapter in my story would be the best so far and get the best votes, but I guess something about it fell flat. Maybe it was too formulaic or vanilla? I enjoyed writing it so I'm not upset but I want to improve my skills... so I want to know what I need to work on. I'm about to write a similar scene for the next chapter and I don't want to start writing it until I know what I need to work on improving.

Unfortunately whoever was taking the time to vote it down didn't want to take the time to tell me what they didn't like. Which is fine. We don't all have the time or desire to do that. But it would be nice... its a little frustrating since someone read it all the way to the end to make it to the voting page and took the time to vote but not at least tell me the story sucked.

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-love-affairs-of-harmony-jones-ch-03 <- this is the chapter.

I'd really like some honest, constructive criticism. My ego isn't so sensitive that I can't take it. I know I'm not an amazing writer and I don't think I deserve 5 stars from everybody or something like that. I did go back and read it and did notice some very minor grammar and spelling errors, but nothing I felt would be glaring enough to distract from the overall story.

p.s. you don't have to read the other chapters in order to understand this one, but if you have a good deal of time on your hands I'd appreciate some feedback on my whole story so far.


thanks a ton!

 

[Hypoxia]

My first glance: I see huge paragraphs, and very little dialog, and most dialog is buried within those huge paragraphs. If I saw this on my tablet screen (using the LIT app) I would go no further, just skip on to another story. Why bother with this dense stuff?

I do see this on my full-size screen and it's slightly easier to read, but still a pain. I glanced over the first paragraph -- no grabber to start, nothing to hook my attention, just a big block of text. I quickly decided that it's just not worth slogging through. I won't even bother to vote.

I can't read others' minds, don't know why they voted for you at all. I can just give my personal reaction: this story needs drastic re-formatting to be worth my time reading it.

Another personal note: I've done technical writing for a long time, and songwriting, but I just started writing fiction a few months ago, all erotica for this site. I felt my first submissions here were pretty good. Ha! My main problems were:

* Too much telling, not enough showing -- stories shouldn't be tutorials.
* Too much exposition, not enough dialog -- let the characters tell the story.
* Not breaking the text into easy-to-swallow chunks -- reformat! reformat!
* Too much description, not enough motivation -- reveal internal thoughts
* "The road to hell is paved with adverbs." -- S.King -- adverbs are lazy

Stories I have currently in the pipeline are MUCH better IMHO than my first submissions. Stay tuned for THAT'S MY GIRL and THE GOSPEL OF RUTH -- in a week or two.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

First impression.

The bones, muscles, and brains are there but they need discipline and need to learn how to work as a team. It needs to become a German blitzkrieg and less of a drunken mob. Its a bull in a china shop. That's good. Just tone down the wild part.

 

[harmonyjones]

thanks

My first glance: I see huge paragraphs, and very little dialog, and most dialog is buried within those huge paragraphs. If I saw this on my tablet screen (using the LIT app) I would go no further, just skip on to another story. Why bother with this dense stuff?

I do see this on my full-size screen and it's slightly easier to read, but still a pain. I glanced over the first paragraph -- no grabber to start, nothing to hook my attention, just a big block of text. I quickly decided that it's just not worth slogging through. I won't even bother to vote.

I can't read others' minds, don't know why they voted for you at all. I can just give my personal reaction: this story needs drastic re-formatting to be worth my time reading it.

Another personal note: I've done technical writing for a long time, and songwriting, but I just started writing fiction a few months ago, all erotica for this site. I felt my first submissions here were pretty good. Ha! My main problems were:

* Too much telling, not enough showing -- stories shouldn't be tutorials.
* Too much exposition, not enough dialog -- let the characters tell the story.
* Not breaking the text into easy-to-swallow chunks -- reformat! reformat!
* Too much description, not enough motivation -- reveal internal thoughts
* "The road to hell is paved with adverbs." -- S.King -- adverbs are lazy

Stories I have currently in the pipeline are MUCH better IMHO than my first submissions. Stay tuned for THAT'S MY GIRL and THE GOSPEL OF RUTH -- in a week or two.

Just to be clear, is it because its dense that its unappealing at first? I like am writing first for myself and second for others and what *I* like is a longer story which builds to a big finish. But I also like short and sweet stories too. So I can get why some would see all the text and multiple pages and click right off. I can easily fix the formatting issue. I'll keep that in mind for my next chapters.

Do you feel like its sounding too much like a tutorial? In a way I feel like I'm good on internal thoughts, since its from a first person pov and the whole time its Harmony's thoughts and feelings. Should I also be revealing the internal thoughts of the other characters?


Thanks for taking the time to read and review. I appreciate it!

 

[PennLady]

I have to agree with Hypoxia. I think your biggest problem may be large paragraphs. As Hypoxia noted, they are difficult to read on a full-size screen and if you go smaller, such as on a tablet or phone, it's even worse. That's an easy fix, though, as far as those things go.

I couldn't read the whole thing, sorry. It's a lot me, I just couldn't focus. But I did notice that your narrator says that she was so drunk she couldn't remember the name of the hotel, yet we get a pretty good and detailed description of the bathroom. That could just be me, but it did strike me as a little odd.

Anyway, like I said, I can only agree with Hypoxia, but I would encourage you to keep going. As in anything else, practice will help you improve.

Also, as is often suggested, read a lot. Not necessarily erotic stories, but those too if that's what you want to write. Notice what you like and don't, and then you can work that into your own style.

 

[harmonyjones]

First impression.
It needs to become a German blitzkrieg and less of a drunken mob.

haha love it! i completely get what you mean too, i think.

Do you have any suggestions on how to do that?

What do you mean by tone down the wild part? I thought the wild part was the fun part? Or am I not describing the wildness properly?

 

[harmonyjones]

thank you so much!

I have to agree with Hypoxia. I think your biggest problem may be large paragraphs. As Hypoxia noted, they are difficult to read on a full-size screen and if you go smaller, such as on a tablet or phone, it's even worse. That's an easy fix, though, as far as those things go.

I couldn't read the whole thing, sorry. It's a lot me, I just couldn't focus. But I did notice that your narrator says that she was so drunk she couldn't remember the name of the hotel, yet we get a pretty good and detailed description of the bathroom. That could just be me, but it did strike me as a little odd.

Anyway, like I said, I can only agree with Hypoxia, but I would encourage you to keep going. As in anything else, practice will help you improve.

Also, as is often suggested, read a lot. Not necessarily erotic stories, but those too if that's what you want to write. Notice what you like and don't, and then you can work that into your own style.

In regards to the drunk thing, I remember that part too and my friend who read it said the same thing. If i could go back and fix it i would but I don't know how to edit once its been published. Is that possible to do on this site? I looked all over and can't find a way. I originally put that in because I didn't want to name a hotel and have people who've stayed there have associations or whatever. In hindsight I should have just made up a fake name. Duh!

Thank you so much for your time!

 

[Seanathon]

Hi,

I'm also relatively new to both Literotica and writing so I don't know how qualified I am to offer any advice. But as a new writer I found the articles in the How To category and the Writer's Resources to be really informative on normal stumbling blocks like paragraphing, dialogue, etc.

And I also think, especially on Literotica, it's important to write for your target audience. That's why I find it so important to properly categorize stories.

With the number of stories that flood the site every day, it's very easy for a story to get lost in the shuffle. So if you make sure it's in the category where your target reader will be looking and properly tagged you will get more reads and more votes (if that's what you are interested in).

I'm not sure what type of readership Novels and Novellas gets, but you may get better feedback posting in more specific categories (i.e. Lesbian, Group Sex etc.).

And if you want your story to appeal to readers in those categories, read some of the top-rated stories and you can easily get an idea of what the readers are looking for.


Good luck and Keep Writing!

 

[PennLady]

In regards to the drunk thing, I remember that part too and my friend who read it said the same thing. If i could go back and fix it i would but I don't know how to edit once its been published. Is that possible to do on this site? I looked all over and can't find a way. I originally put that in because I didn't want to name a hotel and have people who've stayed there have associations or whatever. In hindsight I should have just made up a fake name. Duh!

Thank you so much for your time!

You can resubmit an edited version. Fix up your story, then submit it as you did before, with the same title but after the title put the word "EDITED." Put an explanation in the notes field that you're submitting an edited version. It will probably take about as long to post as an original submission.

It's no problem to not name a hotel -- people write stories (I have) where they don't even name the town or anything like that. Making up a name would be fine as well. And as for real names, I wouldn't worry about it. Plenty of stories out there have people at Marriotts, Holiday Inns, etc.

 

[Catchalot]

I'll agree that the paragraph sizes are a killer.

You also need to spend more time asking yourself why the reader needs to know the details you've included. If this is based on your real life, keep in mind that 90% of what we do in life is boring, or very predictable.

The whole bathroom scene and the lotion covered feet, did nothing for me, and then she walked through the room with lotion covered feet, so later, when he sucks on her toes, I have this rather disgusting image in my head.

I guess I don't see the story arc, and I can't find a character I care about. Without those two things, a story is going to be very flat.

 

[Dream_Operator]

Never mind

 

[harmonyjones]

dang...

I'll agree that the paragraph sizes are a killer.

You also need to spend more time asking yourself why the reader needs to know the details you've included. If this is based on your real life, keep in mind that 90% of what we do in life is boring, or very predictable.

The whole bathroom scene and the lotion covered feet, did nothing for me, and then she walked through the room with lotion covered feet, so later, when he sucks on her toes, I have this rather disgusting image in my head.

I guess I don't see the story arc, and I can't find a character I care about. Without those two things, a story is going to be very flat.

I wish I had thought of that! I didn't think it was worth mentioning that the lotion had soaked in by the time they got around the toe sucking. All the stuff Chad does with Harmony's feet and legs is meant to imply he's got a foot fetish, which I was planning to explore later on. I obviously have a lot to work on. Thanks so much for your help!

 

[harmonyjones]

You can resubmit an edited version. Fix up your story, then submit it as you did before, with the same title but after the title put the word "EDITED." Put an explanation in the notes field that you're submitting an edited version. It will probably take about as long to post as an original submission.

It's no problem to not name a hotel -- people write stories (I have) where they don't even name the town or anything like that. Making up a name would be fine as well. And as for real names, I wouldn't worry about it. Plenty of stories out there have people at Marriotts, Holiday Inns, etc.

Thank you!!

 

[harmonyjones]

Hi,

I'm also relatively new to both Literotica and writing so I don't know how qualified I am to offer any advice. But as a new writer I found the articles in the How To category and the Writer's Resources to be really informative on normal stumbling blocks like paragraphing, dialogue, etc.

And I also think, especially on Literotica, it's important to write for your target audience. That's why I find it so important to properly categorize stories.

With the number of stories that flood the site every day, it's very easy for a story to get lost in the shuffle. So if you make sure it's in the category where your target reader will be looking and properly tagged you will get more reads and more votes (if that's what you are interested in).

I'm not sure what type of readership Novels and Novellas gets, but you may get better feedback posting in more specific categories (i.e. Lesbian, Group Sex etc.).

And if you want your story to appeal to readers in those categories, read some of the top-rated stories and you can easily get an idea of what the readers are looking for.


Good luck and Keep Writing!

Thank you! I read some of your submissions before and really liked them! I think since I started the story in the n&n category I'm going to let it stay there, but I've already submitted some new stuff to other categories so hopefully they will do a bit better. I checked out the WR and they were really helpful too. Thanks again!

 

[Bramblethorn]

Just to be clear, is it because its dense that its unappealing at first? I like am writing first for myself and second for others and what *I* like is a longer story which builds to a big finish. But I also like short and sweet stories too. So I can get why some would see all the text and multiple pages and click right off. I can easily fix the formatting issue. I'll keep that in mind for my next chapters.

"Dense" and "long" don't have to be the same thing. I like stories that aren't afraid to take their time - hell, I write porn where people spend several pages discussing cellos - but it needs to be done with a purpose and it needs to be structured so readers can follow it.

As others have said, you're trying to do way too many things in each paragraph. Try to break paragraphs when moving from one idea to the next (e.g. from how the narrator's feet hurt to the layout of the place). Also, consider whether these things need to be told (1) at all, (2) in that much detail, and (3) in the place where you're telling them.

For instance, in the first paragraph you give a very detailed description of the suite. I don't know whether all that detail ends up being important to the story later, because I didn't make it that far - but if I had, I probably wouldn't remember it by the point where it does matter. If it were me, I'd give a brief description of how big and nice the suite was, and then mention other details at the point where they become relevant.

(Exception: stuff like detective stories where the author is trying to fool their reader by presenting important details in such a way that they won't be noticed.)

 

[ambiguityperson]

In addition to what's been said, I have a little observation of my own. These are the first nine sentences of your story:

The hotel was a few more blocks away, so we decided to walk again instead of getting a cab for such a short distance.

By the time we were halfway there I was ready to call a taxi anyway, because my feet were killing me.

I was regretting my footwear of choice before, but now I was ready to pitch them in the gutter.

When we finally got to the hotel I thought that when I took my shoes off (unpunctuated pause) they would be filled with blood and my feet would be one giant blister.

I had been complaining about them for the last block or so.

I knew it wasn't sexy to be a complaining drama queen (unpunctuated pause) but the alcohol had taken away what little self control I normally had.

In the end it did me no harm, since when we were in the elevator Chad offered to give me a foot massage so I was looking forward to that.

Kallie looked a little bit jealous that he was paying attention to me and not her, but she was trying to hide it.

We made it upstairs to Derrick and Mona's room (unpunctuated pause) and decided to check things out.

With the exception of sentence 5, every one of these sentences has the same cadence. Sure, sometimes there's more syllables before the pause, sometimes more after, but there's always a statement, a pause, and another statement.

When I read, I hear a voice in my head. I don't think I'm alone in that. The voice I heard reading your story settled into a monotone very quickly, because there is very little variety in your sentence structure. Part of it is that you are explaining these interactions between people instead of describing them, letting the characters talk and have their own individual voices. Part of it is quite simply that you've overused one of the myriad sentence structures possible in the English language.

You say that you like a longer story that builds to a big finish, but this opening paragraph sounds like it's in an awful damn hurry to get somewhere. I haven't read your other chapters, so I don't know if you've spent any time in character development there or not, but the way you've treated this opening paragraph, I feel like you're telling me that these characters aren't interesting enough for you to take the time to relate their actual conversations, and you're skipping ahead to get to the good stuff.

And yes, yes, the paragraphs are dense. And intimidating. Erotica is, at its essence, the exploration of interaction between people on a very personal and intimate level. It isn't well suited to big, clunky paragraphs. Watch this.

A touch. Light, like the feathers of an angel's wings.

Moist lips against skin, hot breath spilling from the corners.

Breaking little things up into small paragraphs of their own makes them more important, more monumental.

Or maybe I'm talking out of my ass.

It happens.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

haha love it! i completely get what you mean too, i think.

Do you have any suggestions on how to do that?

What do you mean by tone down the wild part? I thought the wild part was the fun part? Or am I not describing the wildness properly?

I mean more method and purpose and organization. Every act need not be a wild animal act. Give readers an occasional pause to catch their breaths. How you do it is with character and scene diversity....just like real life. Find the right mix of method and madness...like hamburger!

For example: Hard crime pulps of the 20s-50s are my thing. Some are like a walk with Gramps in the park zzzzzzzzz, some are manic like swinging with monkeys in their cages, and some are like the recent Super Bowl....blitz & slow agony.

Get your proportions right and youll rock.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

In addition to what's been said, I have a little observation of my own. These are the first nine sentences of your story:

The hotel was a few more blocks away, so we decided to walk again instead of getting a cab for such a short distance.

By the time we were halfway there I was ready to call a taxi anyway, because my feet were killing me.

I was regretting my footwear of choice before, but now I was ready to pitch them in the gutter.

When we finally got to the hotel I thought that when I took my shoes off (unpunctuated pause) they would be filled with blood and my feet would be one giant blister.

I had been complaining about them for the last block or so.

I knew it wasn't sexy to be a complaining drama queen (unpunctuated pause) but the alcohol had taken away what little self control I normally had.

In the end it did me no harm, since when we were in the elevator Chad offered to give me a foot massage so I was looking forward to that.

Kallie looked a little bit jealous that he was paying attention to me and not her, but she was trying to hide it.

We made it upstairs to Derrick and Mona's room (unpunctuated pause) and decided to check things out.

With the exception of sentence 5, every one of these sentences has the same cadence. Sure, sometimes there's more syllables before the pause, sometimes more after, but there's always a statement, a pause, and another statement.

When I read, I hear a voice in my head. I don't think I'm alone in that. The voice I heard reading your story settled into a monotone very quickly, because there is very little variety in your sentence structure. Part of it is that you are explaining these interactions between people instead of describing them, letting the characters talk and have their own individual voices. Part of it is quite simply that you've overused one of the myriad sentence structures possible in the English language.

You say that you like a longer story that builds to a big finish, but this opening paragraph sounds like it's in an awful damn hurry to get somewhere. I haven't read your other chapters, so I don't know if you've spent any time in character development there or not, but the way you've treated this opening paragraph, I feel like you're telling me that these characters aren't interesting enough for you to take the time to relate their actual conversations, and you're skipping ahead to get to the good stuff.

And yes, yes, the paragraphs are dense. And intimidating. Erotica is, at its essence, the exploration of interaction between people on a very personal and intimate level. It isn't well suited to big, clunky paragraphs. Watch this.

A touch. Light, like the feathers of an angel's wings.

Moist lips against skin, hot breath spilling from the corners.

Breaking little things up into small paragraphs of their own makes them more important, more monumental.

Or maybe I'm talking out of my ass.

It happens.

I use the voice in the head analogy a lot. Reading the very best writing I'm as alert as a rabbit in a wood filled with wolves, and scanning for any odd sound. With the worst writing every bit of noise inside and out intrudes on my attention. I wanna do anything else but read.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

* Too much telling, not enough showing -- stories shouldn't be tutorials.
* Too much exposition, not enough dialog -- let the characters tell the story.
* Not breaking the text into easy-to-swallow chunks -- reformat! reformat!
* Too much description, not enough motivation -- reveal internal thoughts
* "The road to hell is paved with adverbs." -- S.King -- adverbs are lazy

I thought hypoxia gave great and very succinct advice.

I was reading your four-parter on a backlit, rolling screen and nearly clicked off faced with walls of black ink. For Lit (not published fiction) limit your paras to 6 - 8 lines.

You meander without following a story arc. Characters breeze in and out with little relevance. JBJ made a good point about blitzkrieg. It doesn't matter if you write erotica or romance, the protag must play off a controllable second tier.

You make two errors for a newbie writer. I don't want to open a new war with sr but, if you write in first person, you can't know what your man is getting behind closed doors.

Keep it relevant. In theatre, TV and cinema, directors eliminate anything that isn't pertinent to the plot. And everything resolves round dialogue.

 

[harmonyjones]

"Dense" and "long" don't have to be the same thing. I like stories that aren't afraid to take their time - hell, I write porn where people spend several pages discussing cellos - but it needs to be done with a purpose and it needs to be structured so readers can follow it.

As others have said, you're trying to do way too many things in each paragraph. Try to break paragraphs when moving from one idea to the next (e.g. from how the narrator's feet hurt to the layout of the place). Also, consider whether these things need to be told (1) at all, (2) in that much detail, and (3) in the place where you're telling them.

For instance, in the first paragraph you give a very detailed description of the suite. I don't know whether all that detail ends up being important to the story later, because I didn't make it that far - but if I had, I probably wouldn't remember it by the point where it does matter. If it were me, I'd give a brief description of how big and nice the suite was, and then mention other details at the point where they become relevant.

(Exception: stuff like detective stories where the author is trying to fool their reader by presenting important details in such a way that they won't be noticed.)

Ah! Okay I get what you are saying. That helps!

 

[harmonyjones]

In addition to what's been said, I have a little observation of my own. These are the first nine sentences of your story:

The hotel was a few more blocks away, so we decided to walk again instead of getting a cab for such a short distance.

By the time we were halfway there I was ready to call a taxi anyway, because my feet were killing me.

I was regretting my footwear of choice before, but now I was ready to pitch them in the gutter.

When we finally got to the hotel I thought that when I took my shoes off (unpunctuated pause) they would be filled with blood and my feet would be one giant blister.

I had been complaining about them for the last block or so.

I knew it wasn't sexy to be a complaining drama queen (unpunctuated pause) but the alcohol had taken away what little self control I normally had.

In the end it did me no harm, since when we were in the elevator Chad offered to give me a foot massage so I was looking forward to that.

Kallie looked a little bit jealous that he was paying attention to me and not her, but she was trying to hide it.

We made it upstairs to Derrick and Mona's room (unpunctuated pause) and decided to check things out.

With the exception of sentence 5, every one of these sentences has the same cadence. Sure, sometimes there's more syllables before the pause, sometimes more after, but there's always a statement, a pause, and another statement.

When I read, I hear a voice in my head. I don't think I'm alone in that. The voice I heard reading your story settled into a monotone very quickly, because there is very little variety in your sentence structure. Part of it is that you are explaining these interactions between people instead of describing them, letting the characters talk and have their own individual voices. Part of it is quite simply that you've overused one of the myriad sentence structures possible in the English language.

You say that you like a longer story that builds to a big finish, but this opening paragraph sounds like it's in an awful damn hurry to get somewhere. I haven't read your other chapters, so I don't know if you've spent any time in character development there or not, but the way you've treated this opening paragraph, I feel like you're telling me that these characters aren't interesting enough for you to take the time to relate their actual conversations, and you're skipping ahead to get to the good stuff.

And yes, yes, the paragraphs are dense. And intimidating. Erotica is, at its essence, the exploration of interaction between people on a very personal and intimate level. It isn't well suited to big, clunky paragraphs. Watch this.

A touch. Light, like the feathers of an angel's wings.

Moist lips against skin, hot breath spilling from the corners.

Breaking little things up into small paragraphs of their own makes them more important, more monumental.

Or maybe I'm talking out of my ass.

It happens.

Thank you so much! This really helped me understand. I really get what you are saying about sentence structure. I will work on that!

 

[harmonyjones]

I thought hypoxia gave great and very succinct advice.

I was reading your four-parter on a backlit, rolling screen and nearly clicked off faced with walls of black ink. For Lit (not published fiction) limit your paras to 6 - 8 lines.

You meander without following a story arc. Characters breeze in and out with little relevance. JBJ made a good point about blitzkrieg. It doesn't matter if you write erotica or romance, the protag must play off a controllable second tier.

You make two errors for a newbie writer. I don't want to open a new war with sr but, if you write in first person, you can't know what your man is getting behind closed doors.

Keep it relevant. In theatre, TV and cinema, directors eliminate anything that isn't pertinent to the plot. And everything resolves round dialogue.

So, I shouldn't write in first person? Or I'm not doing a good enough job at it?

I think I am having trouble figuring out what it is relevant. I want to put the reader in the room, and I guess I've been doing that by describing the little details (like what the hotel room looks like or whatever) but I suppose that's not the way to go about it?

 

[sr71plt]

So, I shouldn't write in first person? Or I'm not doing a good enough job at it?

Oh, god, yes, writing in first person is just as good as third. And first person is particularly good for erotica, as it is the more intimate of the two voices.

It's rarely a problem of the voice used when there are problems in a story--as long as you keep to one voice or clearly sectionalize the use of voices if you want to do that and the story begs for it.

This is the bugaboo of a woman (elfin) who hasn't posted a story here in nine years and one month--and only posted four stories here before that.

Just go with your instincts on the best voice to use with that story and don't spend a lot of time trying to please folks who haven't done much, if any, more writing of erotica than you have done.

 

[PennLady]

So, I shouldn't write in first person? Or I'm not doing a good enough job at it?

I think I am having trouble figuring out what it is relevant. I want to put the reader in the room, and I guess I've been doing that by describing the little details (like what the hotel room looks like or whatever) but I suppose that's not the way to go about it?

First person is fine. If it works best for your story, then use it.

You do need to remember in first person that you are limited to your narrator's perceptions. She can't say what's in someone else's head unless she knows, either because she has previous experience, or they tell her, or whatever. Or, she can guess, and then be right or wrong.

The question of how much detail to include comes up all the time, and there's really no good answer, except perhaps for: as much as your story needs. And that would hold for whether you're describing people, cars, or hotel rooms.

Many people will say, and they aren't wrong, that if you say someone is in "a hotel room," that's about as much detail as you need right there. Most of us have been in hotels or motels and can guess at what such a room looks like. Now, if there is something about that room that's important, put it in -- maybe it's a ritzy place, or perhaps it's pretty ratty. Maybe it's one that caters to romantic rendezvous and has mirrors on the ceiling.

So it is all up to you as the writer. And with all this said, there are readers who love tons of details, and others who don't. You need to decide whether it adds to the story or slows it down.

No pressure, right?

 

[laptopwriter]

I noticed a few things;

I just scanned your responses so if they've already been posted forgive my duplication.
I know several have already mentioned the long paragraphs. I counted 4 different paragraphs within your first.
You are also long winded. You need to be more thrifty with your wording.
For example; The hotel was a few more blocks away, so we decided to walk again instead of getting a cab for such a short distance. (for such a short distance) is duplicating the beginning of the sentence and does not need to be there. ie: The hotel was a few more blocks away, so we decided to walk again instead of getting a cab.
As others have said, I saw very little dialogue. I use it liberally and usually get great comments concerning the flow of it. I believe it's because of my use of contractions. I use them a lot. ie:
"I do not know why they are doing this." (sounds stiff)
"I don't know why they're doing this." (sounds more like how people really talk)
Also pay heed to what pennlady said about first person. I use it a lot but it has its limitations and you must be aware of them. You can only write what you know for yourself; like testifying in court...(that's hearsay and not allowed.) If you were not privy to a conversation then you are not aware of it so you cannot narrate it. Of course there are ways around this, (I overheard them say...or, he/she told me...)
Good luck