Feisty Submissive?

[littleslutt18]

closed thanks for the help-

Thanks for your help

 

[WishItsTrue_TG]

Hey there. I've gotten a new girlfriend recently, and I'm showing her how great the bdsm life can be. She's very intrigued and I'm beginning to transition her into being my sub. However she can be very argumentative, and often fights for dominance. Any suggestions on how to put her in her place without scaring her away?
Please let me know. Thanks for your help.

Didn't you ever hear of Sam's, smart assed masochists. Subs that argue and fight back, even though they volunteer for the submissive position. They feel a drive for submission, but an urge to resist it.

You might have an interesting problem on your hands.

 

[MPGirlGoneBad]

Maybe she's resisting in an effort to get you to be a little more forceful or rough. Trying to make you mad?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Just because she likes to be done unto and is cute and female doesn't mean she is submissive. You may just have to respect that.

Read the essay in my signature.

 

[Ahlam]

Could it be that she just wants to wrestle? Sometimes I like to kick a top's ass around a bit before bottoming just to be sure that they understand what they're getting when I choose to cooperate.

 

[KoPilot]

Ask her why she likes doing it...?

Personally, I've gotten a kick out of fighting in the past. Wrestling, roughousing, hatefucking, that sort of thing. I got more into the habit of just asking him to be a mean asshole instead, though. Mostly accomplishes the same thing.

 

[crazychemgirl]

that reminds me of... me.

 

[akiraGrl]

Didn't you ever hear of Sam's, smart assed masochists. Subs that argue and fight back, even though they volunteer for the submissive position. They feel a drive for submission, but an urge to resist it.

You might have an interesting problem on your hands.

Haha this sounds like me!

Sometimes I go willingly, but more often then not I will put up a fight. I know in my heart that I am a submissive, but there is a part of me that will always fight it. I don't know why, I just accept that it is part of who I am.

 

[Scheherezade]

Although the original post was edited out, in reading this thread I started thinking about some of the reasons why a sub might struggle or fight back, either physically or in other ways. This is a topic I've considered off and on over the years in relation to my own feelings so I thought I might offer up some possibilities that have occurred to me:

Freedom from guilt: she might feel a certain amount of embarrassment or guilt about her desire to be a sub. That could be caused by difficulty bucking today's societal norms, or it could be for other reasons. By fighting back she forces you to actually subdue her, which in turn releases her from any responsibility for "allowing" someone else to dominate her.

Need for proof: she may take her need to be dominated very seriously indeed, so much so that she can't get her head into subspace unless her Dom can prove that he's able to make her submit -- either physically, psychologically, or both. Otherwise, she might feel as if she's compromising: submitting to someone who is not in fact her Master or someone who isn't capable of dominating her without her voluntarily capitulating.

Freedom to struggle: perhaps she enjoys the helplessness of being restrained, and struggling intensifies it for her. Or she may possibly have demons she needs to exercise, so that in fighting she's finally able to give voice to her protest and/or absolve herself of some perceived "sin" from her past.

Consistency and/or testing limits: at some point -- perhaps even regularly -- most submissives need to verify limits. Her Dom's limits, the boundaries of the D/s relationship, perhaps even her own limits. Mouthing off or struggling might be one way for her to find out where the edges of the sandbox are, what the rules are going to be, and if they're consistently enforced. Consistency and knowing one's limits is a comforting thing for most subs, I think.

Pushing buttons: I've also seen subs who like to top from the bottom, and sometimes they use "feisty" behavior to push their Dom or fight him for control.

She's really just not that into it: it happens.

To be clear, I'm not trying to classify anyone or say that any or all of these necessarily apply to all "feisty" subs. I'm sure there are many other motivations or needs that such a sub might be trying to have met -- but I recognize some of the above apply to my own occasional desires to struggle/push back (regardless of whether I actually act upon that desire or not.)

 

[KlaytonFrost]

If she's fighting for dominance, maybe it's because she wants to fight for dominance rather than becoming your submissive?

 

[DVS]

Although the original post was edited out, in reading this thread I started thinking about some of the reasons why a sub might struggle or fight back, either physically or in other ways. This is a topic I've considered off and on over the years in relation to my own feelings so I thought I might offer up some possibilities that have occurred to me:

Freedom from guilt: she might feel a certain amount of embarrassment or guilt about her desire to be a sub. That could be caused by difficulty bucking today's societal norms, or it could be for other reasons. By fighting back she forces you to actually subdue her, which in turn releases her from any responsibility for "allowing" someone else to dominate her.

Need for proof: she may take her need to be dominated very seriously indeed, so much so that she can't get her head into subspace unless her Dom can prove that he's able to make her submit -- either physically, psychologically, or both. Otherwise, she might feel as if she's compromising: submitting to someone who is not in fact her Master or someone who isn't capable of dominating her without her voluntarily capitulating.

Freedom to struggle: perhaps she enjoys the helplessness of being restrained, and struggling intensifies it for her. Or she may possibly have demons she needs to exercise, so that in fighting she's finally able to give voice to her protest and/or absolve herself of some perceived "sin" from her past.

Consistency and/or testing limits: at some point -- perhaps even regularly -- most submissives need to verify limits. Her Dom's limits, the boundaries of the D/s relationship, perhaps even her own limits. Mouthing off or struggling might be one way for her to find out where the edges of the sandbox are, what the rules are going to be, and if they're consistently enforced. Consistency and knowing one's limits is a comforting thing for most subs, I think.

Pushing buttons: I've also seen subs who like to top from the bottom, and sometimes they use "feisty" behavior to push their Dom or fight him for control.

She's really just not that into it: it happens.

To be clear, I'm not trying to classify anyone or say that any or all of these necessarily apply to all "feisty" subs. I'm sure there are many other motivations or needs that such a sub might be trying to have met -- but I recognize some of the above apply to my own occasional desires to struggle/push back (regardless of whether I actually act upon that desire or not.)

All of these are very true, depending on the submissive and the situation. I don't mean to burst your bubble, but they're all documented traits of the submissive mindset, in one way or another.

But, it's good to see them printed out like this. This is the place people go to for information. Newbies will see them and understand a bit about themselves and why they act the way they do.

 

[DVS]

If she's fighting for dominance, maybe it's because she wants to fight for dominance rather than becoming your submissive?

That's a possibility. When I first read that, I was thinking the same thing. I'd guess it was just the way he wrote it, and not what he really meant. If you are correct, there is something really wrong in their relationship. But, hopefully they are communicating and if they are, surely this has come up. Well...one can only hope.

 

[Dyslexicea]

Have any of you considered the possibility it might just be fun. Just sayin!

 

[DVS]

Have any of you considered the possibility it might just be fun. Just sayin!

Sure. I love it when a woman fights back. It shows she has spirit. And it goes along with the list above where she could be pushing his buttons by what she's doing. And any of the rest of the list could also be going on. Especially the one about guilt. That can be a biggie, with many women, because their inner desires can seem so dirty and perverted that they can't bring themselves to the reality that they enjoy it. So, they fight back. In doing so, they relieve any guilt from themselves, because the dom overpowered them, forcing them to participate. And, of course, they never seem to fight hard enough that they win.

 

[Scheherezade]

All of these are very true, depending on the submissive and the situation. I don't mean to burst your bubble, but they're all documented traits of the submissive mindset, in one way or another.

But, it's good to see them printed out like this. This is the place people go to for information. Newbies will see them and understand a bit about themselves and why they act the way they do.

Doesn't burst my bubble at all; while I haven't studied said documentation specifically, each seemed as if they could be consistent with the behavior and their various psychological profiles or history.

Re: your second graph, thank you...that was sort of what I was thinking when I started listing them out, that it might be insightful or generate more discussion. As noted, definitely not necessarily a comprehensive list, just the ones that occurred to me...figured others might have more to add.

 

[kimuk]

Although the original post was edited out, in reading this thread I started thinking about some of the reasons why a sub might struggle or fight back, either physically or in other ways. This is a topic I've considered off and on over the years in relation to my own feelings so I thought I might offer up some possibilities that have occurred to me:

Freedom from guilt: she might feel a certain amount of embarrassment or guilt about her desire to be a sub. That could be caused by difficulty bucking today's societal norms, or it could be for other reasons. By fighting back she forces you to actually subdue her, which in turn releases her from any responsibility for "allowing" someone else to dominate her.

Need for proof: she may take her need to be dominated very seriously indeed, so much so that she can't get her head into subspace unless her Dom can prove that he's able to make her submit -- either physically, psychologically, or both. Otherwise, she might feel as if she's compromising: submitting to someone who is not in fact her Master or someone who isn't capable of dominating her without her voluntarily capitulating.

Freedom to struggle: perhaps she enjoys the helplessness of being restrained, and struggling intensifies it for her. Or she may possibly have demons she needs to exercise, so that in fighting she's finally able to give voice to her protest and/or absolve herself of some perceived "sin" from her past.

Consistency and/or testing limits: at some point -- perhaps even regularly -- most submissives need to verify limits. Her Dom's limits, the boundaries of the D/s relationship, perhaps even her own limits. Mouthing off or struggling might be one way for her to find out where the edges of the sandbox are, what the rules are going to be, and if they're consistently enforced. Consistency and knowing one's limits is a comforting thing for most subs, I think.

Pushing buttons: I've also seen subs who like to top from the bottom, and sometimes they use "feisty" behavior to push their Dom or fight him for control.

She's really just not that into it: it happens.

To be clear, I'm not trying to classify anyone or say that any or all of these necessarily apply to all "feisty" subs. I'm sure there are many other motivations or needs that such a sub might be trying to have met -- but I recognize some of the above apply to my own occasional desires to struggle/push back (regardless of whether I actually act upon that desire or not.)

Interesting and personally enlightening. Thanks

 

[GrrlFriday]

Is it possible, (and I'm by no means trying to suggest that this is universally true, or that this is true for all feisty subs) that someone may fight against performing a submissive role because it's 'too close' to a past trauma?

 

[newsubandtop]

I'm sorry, guys... I am really confused after reading this. Can you give an example of her fighting you back? Are you talking about disagreements on the shopping list or about her resisting you physically?

I am new to this but after a brief experience, if I know something about bdsm is that communication is a must. Typically, you are going to be involved in situations that are very delicate to handle and you both need to know if she is not into whatever it is you put her through. You have to listen to her when she says "no" and talk about it. Maybe she does it out of guilt maybe she doesn´t but you need to figure that out together, for her own well-being and your future together. As a sub, I didn't like and accept some of my ex-dom suggestions and I can't imagine how I would have felt if he had just thrown me into it without asking first.

I wish you good luck