How to begin bdsm with a submissive that has experience?

[HughManatee]

Greetings y'all, this site is so epically informative and full of awesome down to earth folks, I greatly enjoy reading all the posts throughout the board, thank you to all who post.

I started seeing my fiance last June, and we have clicked since the first moment we hugged on our first date. This woman is so amazing and our communication is something I have never experienced.

I have always had some fantasies about bdsm; both taking a dominant roll and submissive role. Low and behold, this awesome woman has experience with being submissive. The subject came up a couple of months into our relationship and the conversation was very down to earth. She enjoys pain and being submissive.

This naturally played out in the bedroom before this conversation took place, in the form me pulling her hair, teasing her breasts, spanking her, etc.

When the tangible topic of bdsm and her enjoyment of pain came up, she advised me that she has a collar, some cuffs and used to have a crop, but had parted ways with it.

Admittedly, and I communicated this with her, I was a bit intimidated. And I take it very seriously, the dynamic of relating to each other on this level of submitting and dominating. We both agreed together that our lovin's are already epic and when the time is right, we will explore this experience together.

The little predicament I have is that I have no experience as a dominant or submissive. What I do know, is that she enjoys being submissive, and when we have talked about her past experiences, I have framed it in the fashion of "so what parts of the dynamic really work for you?" and have purposely stayed away from "what did he/they do to/for you".

My goal is and I have taken this very seriously, I am honored that she has communicated her desire to submit to me, and I have communicated to her that I am honored and am most definitely ready willing and properly motivated to fulfill both of our desires for this experience.

So that's the base level I'm approaching this with. I want to do some research and provide a constructive space in our lives for this to happen.

I have ordered and plan to read "forget the roses, send me the thorns" in order to better understand the dynamic.

This will be OUR shared experience, what I envision I have is to have her present herself to me, inspect her, and tell her how precious, sexy and beautiful she is.

I'm sure I will gain more perspective on the how and why by reading the book and other literature, however, I would greatly appreciate some insight from some of the awesome folks on this board, I have laid out exactly where her and I are at, and would love to hear some first time experiences and any advice y'all are prepared to offer.

Thank you.

 

[MzChrista]

Greetings y'all, this site is so epically informative and full of awesome down to earth folks, I greatly enjoy reading all the posts throughout the board, thank you to all who post.

I started seeing my fiance last June, and we have clicked since the first moment we hugged on our first date. This woman is so amazing and our communication is something I have never experienced.

I have always had some fantasies about bdsm; both taking a dominant roll and submissive role. Low and behold, this awesome woman has experience with being submissive. The subject came up a couple of months into our relationship and the conversation was very down to earth. She enjoys pain and being submissive.

This naturally played out in the bedroom before this conversation took place, in the form me pulling her hair, teasing her breasts, spanking her, etc.

When the tangible topic of bdsm and her enjoyment of pain came up, she advised me that she has a collar, some cuffs and used to have a crop, but had parted ways with it.

Admittedly, and I communicated this with her, I was a bit intimidated. And I take it very seriously, the dynamic of relating to each other on this level of submitting and dominating. We both agreed together that our lovin's are already epic and when the time is right, we will explore this experience together.

The little predicament I have is that I have no experience as a dominant or submissive. What I do know, is that she enjoys being submissive, and when we have talked about her past experiences, I have framed it in the fashion of "so what parts of the dynamic really work for you?" and have purposely stayed away from "what did he/they do to/for you".

My goal is and I have taken this very seriously, I am honored that she has communicated her desire to submit to me, and I have communicated to her that I am honored and am most definitely ready willing and properly motivated to fulfill both of our desires for this experience.

So that's the base level I'm approaching this with. I want to do some research and provide a constructive space in our lives for this to happen.

I have ordered and plan to read "forget the roses, send me the thorns" in order to better understand the dynamic.

This will be OUR shared experience, what I envision I have is to have her present herself to me, inspect her, and tell her how precious, sexy and beautiful she is.

I'm sure I will gain more perspective on the how and why by reading the book and other literature, however, I would greatly appreciate some insight from some of the awesome folks on this board, I have laid out exactly where her and I are at, and would love to hear some first time experiences and any advice y'all are prepared to offer.

Thank you.

I don't think there is any better way for a new dom to train than to be with an experienced sub.

It sounds like you have your shit together, but let me just say this. Dom don't mean egomaniac. Or know it all. Lots of doms ( m or f) get it into their head that if they listen to the sub it lessens their dommieness. Stay out of that trap and you'll do fine.

 

[MasterMix]

Books or others' opinion are just somethings for your reference. Follow your heart. Don't pretend who you are not. If you have the dominant side, you would know what you want. Then, make her get to learn your desire and pleasure. She was trained for her ex's desire, not yours.

What you need to learn is, how to guide her to learn to be yours. This is nothing fancy. Respect, communication, and pateince. Books for being a teacher, leader, etc. would be more useful than those bdsm guides if you are not just treat this as a game. Good luck.

 

[MzChrista]

Books or others' opinion are just somethings for your reference. Follow your heart. Don't pretend who you are not. If you have the dominant side, you would know what you want. Then, make her get to learn your desire and pleasure. She was trained for her ex's desire, not yours.

What you need to learn is, how to guide her to learn to be yours. This is nothing fancy. Respect, communication, and pateince. Books for being a teacher, leader, etc. would be more useful than those bdsm guides if you are not just treat this as a game. Good luck.

I think the biggest problem most starter doms have is lack of self confidence. That's where books and advice can help. It doesn't matter how dominant you feel if you don't know how to express it and have confidence that you can express it effectively.

No disrespect, and maybe I am reading you wrong, but you make it sound like a one way street. Like, he's going to decide everything about the relationship, and she's going to just say Sir, yes Sir. More likely, if he isn't attentive to what she wants out of the deal she's going to tell him to get bent.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I think the biggest problem most starter doms have is lack of self confidence. That's where books and advice can help. It doesn't matter how dominant you feel if you don't know how to express it and have confidence that you can express it effectively.

No disrespect, and maybe I am reading you wrong, but you make it sound like a one way street. Like, he's going to decide everything about the relationship, and she's going to just say Sir, yes Sir. More likely, if he isn't attentive to what she wants out of the deal she's going to tell him to get bent.

This. Submissives are not "one size fits all".

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I said this to a "beginner" submissive recently, but it's also something a new dominant needs to keep in mind as well:

There is a huge difference between "dominating" and "domineering." (MzChrista's first response says this in a different way.) Another pair of books that help establish a good D/s relationship is "The Loving Dominant" and "The Loving Submissive." Both are highly recommended for *both* of you to read.

 

[midwestyankee]

1. Be sure that you both know full well what the other one means by "dominant" and "submissive." These words have extraordinarily wide meanings in common use.
2. Learn broadly but play narrowly at first. In other words, read lots but don't try to fit every cool practice you've read about into a single play session.
3. Talk to her. You're apparently already doing this and MzChrista said the same thing. She's right.
4. Use your mind more than your cock.
5. Discover that your voice is a powerful tool. Learn to use it effectively for her.
6. Do one thing well before you add to your repertoire.
7. Use your mind more than your cock. Yes, I'm repeating myself. This is, unfortunately, a lesson most newer doms need to hear more than once.

 

[MzChrista]

1. Be sure that you both know full well what the other one means by "dominant" and "submissive." These words have extraordinarily wide meanings in common use.
2. Learn broadly but play narrowly at first. In other words, read lots but don't try to fit every cool practice you've read about into a single play session.
3. Talk to her. You're apparently already doing this and MzChrista said the same thing. She's right.
4. Use your mind more than your cock.
5. Discover that your voice is a powerful tool. Learn to use it effectively for her.
6. Do one thing well before you add to your repertoire.
7. Use your mind more than your cock. Yes, I'm repeating myself. This is, unfortunately, a lesson most newer doms need to hear more than once.

Really good post.

Ya know, you hear a lot of people talk about being "natural dominants" or "natural submissives."

Ok, if that's how some peeps feel, but it means about nothing to me. Without learning any skills, by which I mean mental, not just physical, you ain't a Dom, you are just Mr or mrs Bossypants. Or on the other side a sad ass doormat.

It's like being an artist. You can have all the artistic talent in the world, but if you never learn how to hold a paintbrush or which end of the pencil has the point on it, or most of all, how to envision what you want to create, you ain't no artist.

 

[midwestyankee]

Really good post.

Ya know, you hear a lot of people talk about being "natural dominants" or "natural submissives."

Ok, if that's how some peeps feel, but it means about nothing to me. Without learning any skills, by which I mean mental, not just physical, you ain't a Dom, you are just Mr or mrs Bossypants. Or on the other side a sad ass doormat.

It's like being an artist. You can have all the artistic talent in the world, but if you never learn how to hold a paintbrush or which end of the pencil has the point on it, or most of all, how to envision what you want to create, you ain't no artist.

Yes to all of this. Stella has a solid explanation of the Dom/Top and Sub/Bottom distinctions linked in her sig area. It's very good starting place to come to the realization that what floats your boat might be the actions of the Top/Bottom more than the actual relationship matters that are the stuff of Dom/Sub.

 

[MzChrista]

Yes to all of this. Stella has a solid explanation of the Dom/Top and Sub/Bottom distinctions linked in her sig area. It's very good starting place to come to the realization that what floats your boat might be the actions of the Top/Bottom more than the actual relationship matters that are the stuff of Dom/Sub.

Cool. I will look for that. Thanks.

My opinion is that there are lots of kinks out there. D/s is one of them. It's a really good one. But it isn't the be all and end all. I have known a lot of pain sluts in my time who just wanted an ass beating for the sensation of it and didn't give a rats ass about roles. They deserve their props as much as anyone else.

 

[Loverskitten]

Ya know, you hear a lot of people talk about being "natural dominants" or "natural submissives."

Ok, if that's how some peeps feel, but it means about nothing to me. Without learning any skills, by which I mean mental, not just physical, you ain't a Dom, you are just Mr or mrs Bossypants. Or on the other side a sad ass doormat.

It's like being an artist. You can have all the artistic talent in the world, but if you never learn how to hold a paintbrush or which end of the pencil has the point on it, or most of all, how to envision what you want to create, you ain't no artist.

I don't want to get into a nature vs. nurture discussion here, but I think you're wrong.
I believe one can be "naturally dominant" or "naturally submissive" you see it all the time watching children at play.
I've met people who just ooze dominance and others who would be perfect subs.
Now would I, say, let someone suspend me who has no rope training? No

I also know there are/have been plenty of self tought artists and those who showed tallent before any training. But then, I don't want to get into a "what is art" discussion either.

 

[MzChrista]

I don't want to get into a nature vs. nurture discussion here, but I think you're wrong.
I believe one can be "naturally dominant" or "naturally submissive" you see it all the time watching children at play.
I've met people who just ooze dominance and others who would be perfect subs.
Now would I, say, let someone suspend me who has no rope training? No

I also know there are/have been plenty of self tought artists and those who showed tallent before any training. But then, I don't want to get into a "what is art" discussion either.

I think maybe you took me wrong. Wouldn't be the first time I didn't make myself clear.

Sure there are people who are naturally dominant or submissive. I was saying it doesn't matter if they don't know how to express it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think the biggest problem most starter doms have is lack of self confidence. That's where books and advice can help. It doesn't matter how dominant you feel if you don't know how to express it and have confidence that you can express it effectively.

No disrespect, and maybe I am reading you wrong, but you make it sound like a one way street. Like, he's going to decide everything about the relationship, and she's going to just say Sir, yes Sir. More likely, if he isn't attentive to what she wants out of the deal she's going to tell him to get bent.

^^^^ May I just say-- what a seriously real fucking pleasure to meet you!

 

[DVS]

I think maybe you took me wrong. Wouldn't be the first time I didn't make myself clear.

Sure there are people who are naturally dominant or submissive. I was saying it doesn't matter if they don't know how to express it.

I consider myself naturally dominant, but only in sex play. I knew I was this way a long time ago...nearly 50 years ago. But, being naturally dominant doesn't mean you don't need skills. It just means the skills tend to come naturally to you. Being a natural at anything is the same.

If you're a natural born singer, you don't need a lot of training, and you probably already have a great voice and can tell when something is in tune. That natural ability also comes with a good ear for musical style and rhythm. But, even with all of that going for you, you still need to educate yourself on how to nurture those tendencies into skills. Some call this paying your dues, but there's more to it than that. While paying your dues, you are also learning those skills.

 

[MzChrista]

^^^^ May I just say-- what a seriously real fucking pleasure to meet you!

Wow thanks. I have been seeing a lot of your posts and I am looking forward to reading more.

 

[MzChrista]

I consider myself naturally dominant, but only in sex play. I knew I was this way a long time ago...nearly 50 years ago. But, being naturally dominant doesn't mean you don't need skills. It just means the skills tend to come naturally to you. Being a natural at anything is the same.

If you're a natural born singer, you don't need a lot of training, and you probably already have a great voice and can tell when something is in tune. That natural ability also comes with a good ear for musical style and rhythm. But, even with all of that going for you, you still need to educate yourself on how to nurture those tendencies into skills. Some call this paying your dues, but there's more to it than that. While paying your dues, you are also learning those skills.

See, this is a great skill I have. I can get other people to come by and say what I was saying, only being articulate.

Thanks, bro.