Rookie Literotica author seeking feedback

[swingerjoe]

I know there are a lot of these types of threads here already, but I hope you'll all tolerate one more. I've just had my first story published today, and I'm pleased to see there are over 900 views already. However, it appears that the average rating is only 1.3 stars, which is a bit puzzling. I've been lurking on this board for a while, and I respect the opinions of those who contribute, so I'm hoping you'll provide me with some constructive criticism.

My story, linked below, is about a 41-year-old suburban housewife who has a secretly submissive side to her sexuality that she has difficulty explaining to her husband. She eventually finds someone who fills that void for her.

I don't know if it is the subject matter, plot or pacing that turns people off, or if there is something else I have not considered. Regardless, I would appreciate the feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-submissive-cocksucker

Thanks in advance!

 

[JagFarlane]

Read through it, not a bad story at all, but the first thing I see is that it's in the Loving Wives category, which is notoriously brutal on stories, especially cheating wives stories. I think it would have benefited a bit more in the BDSM category.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

I agree with Jag Macfarlane

I read your story and, while it's not to my taste, I certainly didn't find anything objectionable about the prose, pace, content or conclusion. I would definitely suggest you follow the previously given advice, delete it from the LW category and re-submit it to the BDSM, where the readers, somewhat ironically, tend to be a lot kinder and more tolerant than the LW readership, who seem to take a retarded delight in trashing stories without regard to their actual merit or lack thereof.

 

[Darkniciad]

Keep in mind that a category change may not go as planned, if you decide to go that way. Laurel has the final say, and if the story has too much focus on the marriage, it may very well end up in LW no matter how you categorize it.

Skimming the story, I think it's near that borderline. Not so much as to make me think, "More than likely to stay in LW," but enough to make me think it's a possibility.

Don't take the score and commentary coming out of the LW category as an indicator of anything. They're a notoriously unkind bunch.

 

[PennLady]

I just skimmed your story -- LW or BDSM, neither are quite my favorite -- and wanted to say something, although I doubt this figured into your scoring.

There's kind of an aloof tone to it all, which may have been intentional. I felt like I was watching the characters through a window, as opposed to being closer, for lack of a better word. I felt at a remove from the characters, and hence less involved with them, and cared a bit less about what happened.

One other thing that got me was when you wrote that the woman "felt obligated" to share her sexual details. I thought, "What?" Just because someone tells you something, you aren't obligated to share in kind. If this was part of her submissive nature, then okay, but generally, people are not inclined to discuss such things with coworkers, especially with coworkers of the opposite sex. Just one of those things that usually doesn't happen, and felt a bit contrived to me in the story.

The mechanics were all fine, much better than what you often find.

But as others have said, LW is a bit of a shark pit. People seem to read there just so they can expressly and specifically criticize a story and say awful things about the author. If they really bother you, you can turn off comments. Most people just ignore them.

 

[swingerjoe]

Wow -- thank you all for your feedback. I wasn't expecting such a quick response.

I don't take anything personally, so I'm not bothered by the low scores. I was simply curious as to whether it was likely due to my writing, the plot, the pacing of the story, etc.. Immediately after I posted my question here, I received two anonymous comments, both calling the wife in the story a "whore", so I suppose that answered my question to some degree.

I appreciate all of your comments, and especially your encouragement. I'm beginning to appreciate the community of writers and readers on this site.

To PennLady, I could have (and probably should have) written more depth and detail into the mindset of the main character, but I felt that it would slow the pace of the story to a crawl. I was (and still am) concerned that if I post a story that is too lengthy, I will lose a lot of readers, so I edited myself -- perhaps a bit too much.

As a technical question, how would I change the category of my story if I want to do so? Also, I have noticed that several stories include a blurb from the author at the very beginning, in italics font. I am not sure that I would ever do this, but I'm curious to know how that is done, and whether it is added during or after the story is submitted.

Again, thanks very much to all of you.

 

[PennLady]

I appreciate all of your comments, and especially your encouragement. I'm beginning to appreciate the community of writers and readers on this site.

To PennLady, I could have (and probably should have) written more depth and detail into the mindset of the main character, but I felt that it would slow the pace of the story to a crawl. I was (and still am) concerned that if I post a story that is too lengthy, I will lose a lot of readers, so I edited myself -- perhaps a bit too much.

A story should be as long as it needs to be but I wasn't particularly talking about the length here. I was talking more about the style, or the approach. Part of it is that you tell the reader what's going on as opposed to showing, and that is always a debate and matter of balance. Some parts of plot and character simply need to be explained, other parts do better if they are "shown" via the characters' actions, reactions, and speech.

Your entire first page, for example, is nearly all telling the reader what was going on. You tell the reader about Rachel's life, her appearance, her feelings, etc., which means the reader has to take it on faith that it's true. It can be more interesting, and make for a better story, if we see that through the character's actions.

As a technical question, how would I change the category of my story if I want to do so? Also, I have noticed that several stories include a blurb from the author at the very beginning, in italics font. I am not sure that I would ever do this, but I'm curious to know how that is done, and whether it is added during or after the story is submitted.

Again, thanks very much to all of you.

You can send a private message (PM) to Laurel with the title of the story and a link and explanation. She may not move it, but you could try.

To put in a note at the start of a story (or end of one), you can use the html tags for italics, which works best if you are pasting your story into the submissions box. You would write something like this in your document:

<i>Author's note: Thanks for reading.</i>

And it would display as Author's note: Thanks for reading.

Otherwise, if you are uploading a file, just make it italics in the story file.

They aren't mandatory by any means, though.

 

[swingerjoe]

Thanks, again, PennLady. It's good to know that HTML tags are allowed in the story. I was wondering how others were doing it.

Your point about the style of my story is valid, and I appreciate your candor. I re-read the story, and I understand what you mean. I spoke a little too much about the main character's feelings from a third-person standpoint when it would have been better to have simply shown the reader what she was feeling through her actions.

 

[PennLady]

Thanks, again, PennLady. It's good to know that HTML tags are allowed in the story. I was wondering how others were doing it.

Your point about the style of my story is valid, and I appreciate your candor. I re-read the story, and I understand what you mean. I spoke a little too much about the main character's feelings from a third-person standpoint when it would have been better to have simply shown the reader what she was feeling through her actions.

You're welcome. Be aware that Lit doesn't take all HTML tags in a story. You can use bold, italics, underline and blockquote. I think you're supposed to be able to use center tags but I've read people had trouble with that.

For your style, to me, there's nothing wrong with it objectively. I didn't care for it, but then that's one opinion. I would say though, that for erotica, I think you need to get your reader a bit closer, a bit more involved.

But keep writing. You'll get better.

 

[desertslave]

First, as others have said, submitting a story containing women indulging in any sort of sex outside marriage in LW is the kiss of death. The discussion of having a different category is a long-suffering and long-ignored issue.

Second, I read your story and feel that it's somewhat dry, as PennLady commented. There's very little emotion or passion described. It makes the reading experience feel rather remote.

 

[sensualwhispers]

opinion

Hi Swingerjoe you asked for an opinion about your story in regards to why it has such a low score. This is my own and i understand that its a personal one.
Looking at how its written the first thing that puts me of is over use of the word she. Not only do you use it within a sentence you also use it to start the sentence, repetitively. Maybe you could find another way of writing what you need to get across. Giving such a lot of information in the first paragraph can be to much for most readers so break it up within the story either by their thoughts or their deeds. if you have to give it out this way do it bit by bit. seeing as the story is written in third person you could use her name to give her more identity.


"She also enjoyed all the attention she received on a daily basis from her male customers and co-workers. With her long, curly red hair, pretty face and stunning green eyes, she had always stood out from the crowd. Her new uniform complemented her firm, petite body, C-cup breasts and heart-shaped ass. Unlike some of her female co-workers who wore dress pants, Rachel opted for a skirt, which rose just above her knees, revealing her smooth and shapely legs. She also wore the highest heels her employer allowed, which added an extra sexy element to her attire."


This is a paragraph from your story and it highlights what i have said previously. if i was to write this i would try something along the lines of...


"Rachel's new uniform complimented her petite figure with its ample breasts and heart shaped ass. Determined to stand out from her female co-workers she opted to wear the dress instead of the trousers. With her shapely legs encased in stockings and ending in the highest heels she dared to wear Rachel knew she look good. Knowing that with her titan coloured hair and emerald green eyes made her stand out from the crowd she was only now becoming more aware of her own attractiveness to the male of the species."

Giving some information as part of a conversation would make the characters more rounded and show there individual personalities off.
I found myself asking questions as i was reading your story, none of which got answered. How did she realise she was that submissive, what was the turning point to make her have that eureka moment. Not all information has to be given but something as important as this needs to be explored more than it was, even if only a small amount. Did something happen with her husband during sex that made her want to explore this side of her own personality.

The actual story was good. For me it was just the writing that i had an issue with. As for the genre it's in the right place, it isn't strong enough to go in BDSM.
For a first time story its good and doesn't deserve the scores its got. But like others have commented LW is notorious for its scathing comments and low scores.

Keep writing.xox

 

[lovecraft68]

"Rachel's new uniform complimented her petite figure with its ample breasts and heart shaped ass. Determined to stand out from her female co-workers she opted to wear the dress instead of the trousers. With her shapely legs encased in stockings and ending in the highest heels she dared to wear Rachel knew she look good. Knowing that with her titan coloured hair and emerald green eyes made her stand out from the crowd she was only now becoming more aware of her own attractiveness to the male of the species."

The first sentence. with "its" ample breasts. The uniform has ample breasts? It can be read that way. "her" ample breasts.

I think "titan" colored hair will lose people. If I did not previously know she was a redhead, I would have no clue and people are not going to go look it up.

Also you contradict yourself

Rachel knew she look good.

then

she was only now becoming more aware of her own attractiveness

If she knew she looked good the other line makes no sense.

You can also lose unlike her FEMALE coworkers she opted for the skirt. Female is unnecessary unless the men wear skirts for some reason.

Credit for "ample" over the c-cup. Statistics are a turn off to me and many others.

Just a little critique of your critique.

 

[PennLady]

The first sentence. with "its" ample breasts. The uniform has ample breasts? It can be read that way. "her" ample breasts.

I had a similar reaction. Yes, it should be "her."

I think "titan" colored hair will lose people. If I did not previously know she was a redhead, I would have no clue and people are not going to go look it up.

And the word is "titian," with an extra I, if I recall correctly. I don't see it used much anymore.

 

[lovecraft68]

I had a similar reaction. Yes, it should be "her."



And the word is "titian," with an extra I, if I recall correctly. I don't see it used much anymore.

Yes! That didn't hit me when I first looked at it last night.

I would have gotten that it was a shade of red, but really only because years ago I had a part time night job at a salon warehouse that sold redken hair color.

I doubt the average person would get it.

I think that's a case of maybe trying too hard to be different.

I say "auburn" sometimes instead of leaving it at just red.

 

[sensualwhispers]

i never said i was perfect it was just a quick example and this post was written at 3am in the morning when i was half asleep. so i give my apologies for my own mistakes. my own stories stand on here for people to judge and comment on so i have returned the favour.xox

 

[griffingirl]

I like the story. I think you could zoom up to "Oscar was a handsome man"
You know work up the tension between the two.
When they are on their commute together and are each sharing their stories about their sex lives that scene could be a lot Hotter with some reworking. She says how much she enjoys giving blow jobs and how good she is at it. Why not have her actually say exactly what she does.
Well I have not even submitted a story yet. I think this is good but could be really golden.

 

[swingerjoe]

Thank you, Griffingirl. I agree with your criticism. When I wrote this story, I was very concerned with the length and pace of the story. I assumed that if I took too long to set the stage and establish the characters, I would lose most of the readers. And I'm sure I would have. But if I had a chance to rewrite this story, I would have spent more time on character development than worrying about losing the audience. And if I had done so, I believe I would have written a better story.

 

[redzinger]

Yes! That didn't hit me when I first looked at it last night.

I would have gotten that it was a shade of red, but really only because years ago I had a part time night job at a salon warehouse that sold redken hair color.

I doubt the average person would get it.

I think that's a case of maybe trying too hard to be different.

I say "auburn" sometimes instead of leaving it at just red.

I have red hair but every time I'm asked to describe it, I tend to use a different word.


Never used 'titan' though. It makes me picture giants leaping out of the poor girl's scalp...

 

[lovecraft68]

I have red hair but every time I'm asked to describe it, I tend to use a different word.


Never used 'titan' though. It makes me picture giants leaping out of the poor girl's scalp...

As long as you don't say "carrot top"