Help from a newbie. My wife has lost it.

[xxxCuff]

This is more of a plea for help form people with experience. There is no bragging because, once you read the end, it all went bad….for the record, we had both talked about this a month before, and watched videos and pictures. We went through toys and ideas that worked, and RED/Yellow/Green rules….
On one day, we had an awesome middle of the night flogging (which was her idea). She pulled down her pants, bent over the couch, and asked to be flogged. After a while, I wanted to switch, and she flogged me from the front. After that, she got to her knees, opened to me, and gave me a BJ. During that act, she asked to be flogged lightly across her tits. She said she really liked that. No hard. That was unexpected and yet exciting to me that it would excite her. She never swallowed, and I never came. We just put the flog down, I sat on the floor next to her, and we kissed while mutually masturbating each other. That is how it ended; just the two of us sitting behind the couch, kissing lovingly, stroking each others privates. Not with flogs etc…Excitement that ended with pure genuine, soft Love.
Two nights later, we started another consensual and exciting evening. We started with flogging again. This time show wore wrist restraints like cuffs (not cuffed, just on her like wrist bands, she still had full movement, no restraining at all). I flogged her tits, and she turned and flogged me. I was excited beyond all belief. She had tole me after the first tit flogging (two days earlier) that maybe I could cuff her to the pole in our basement and I could flog her tits that way. So, tonight, after what already started, I stood up and cuffed just her arms behind the pole (Again, her idea). She was so beautiful, and only minimally restrained (actually, her wrists are so small that she can get out of the restraints on her own). But the flogging was just the intro to loving her. She was beautiful, cuffed, a light tit flogging and I needed to take her for a bit. It was exciting, a variety. I slid inside her upside the pole with cuffs. And then I bent her over, and came in from behind. I never orgasmed yet, because I was exploring her, her minimal restraints, her curvy body, soft skin, beautiful hair, those EYES….I wanted to release her and have her mount me on the couch and finish climaxing together.
After a short while, we put on a collar (purely for aesthetics, not to be used, I just love contrast on skin). I showed her the gag ball (with breathing holes), and she lied down on the couch and let me cum on her face. For me it was the most erotic thing ever. And when we were done, we removed everything, and I wiped her off and massaged her. We went to bed and cuddled. Another perfect and exciting finish, except…
The next day, she wouldn’t talk. She wouldn’t make eye contact. She just shut down. I wasn’t sure, was she sick? A Problem? I kept asking her what the problem was, and was worried that it could be related to the night before, but everything was perfect that night. She finally completely broke down, shaking in fear, crying, and it’s been 5 days since and she’s no better. What she admitted was that the whole thing was not what she expected and that she can’t handle what she had done, and our marriage is now completely failing…but she was into it, never gave me a Red or Yellow, and was fine two nights before…I’m lost. What now? Help anyone?

 

[CutieMouse]

HOW was it not what she expected?
- What did she expect vs experience?

WHAT is it that she's done, that she can't handle?
- Is it an enjoyment issue? Guilt? "only bad/dirty, ___ women do __?"

Is it possible shes getting an endorphin ass-kicking? (sub drop)

If your marriage is "completely failing" because of a few toys and a facial, you have bigger things going on that a few toys and a facial...

 

[leatherleaf]

Trust me dude this shit happens.

People react to it in different ways.

You say your marriage is failing - your words or hers?

Reassure her that nothing she did was wrong and that if you both love each other then nothing you can do together that you both agree to is wrong. If its religion there's nothing in the bible that says any of that is wrong.

Ask her if she'd like to talk about it then. Some people work better over text. Don't make a big deal of it because THEN she will.

My two cents.

 

[DVS]

Did she actually enjoy everything, or did she maybe just go along with it all, because you wanted it? If she seemed like she was enjoying everything at the time, and you had no idea that she wasn't enjoying it, I'd tend to agree with CM that it's an extreme case of sub drop.

If you don't know anything about sub drop, read up on it. And don't read just one source, but several. There are different levels of sub drop. Many will experience it right after a session is over. Body shakes, lower body temps, uncontrollable emotions, etc. I've always tried to be very supportive, wrapping her up in blankets, my arms around her, holding her tight, letting her know she's secure and safe.

In my experience, the beginning is usually much sooner than your explanation and while everybody is different, she seems to be exaggerating, or overly emotional about what happened. This could still be sub drop, though.

I'd suggest you both sit down and talk everything through, to see if she might feel better about it. I'd make sure to cuddle, if you have a fireplace, light a fire and maybe sip a little wine (a little)...make sure she's comfortable as possible, maybe lay some blankets out and the both of you snuggle up nice and warm and talk.

The more secure she feels, the more she will open up about anything she didn't like, anything she did just because you wanted to, or if she just changed her mind after she thought about what happened.

Did she maybe read something that said she is sick in the head for liking such things? You have to take your time and figure out what is causing her to feel like the marriage is failing. People usually don't change as drastically as she has. It does happen, and sub drop could be a part of it. And if this is the first time she's experiencing sub drop, she could really be frightened about it. Not knowing anything about it could really worry somebody.

Read up on sub drop. Understand what it is and be able to explain it to her. And if it is sub drop, she needs to know it's not at all uncommon.

 

[GrrlFriday]

It is possible that the 'drop' can only be seen once all of the good vibes have worn off - the afternoon after 'the night before', and for a few days after.

 

[Que]

My ex used to request things, we would play...it seemed mutually enjoyable at the time, then the next day in the cold light of day she would imply I was some kind of pervert. (For going along with HER scene.)

Didn't like that at all.

She would snark, "YOU were in a mood last night." It COULD be taken playfully, but it didn't sound like it.

Sounds like I better read up on sub drop. I have had similar experiences with playmates. It seems reasonable that the more you stoke that adrenaline/endorphin cycle, the harder the drop off?

 

[LallyH]

The first few occasions when I played with my husband and allowed my deepest darkest desires to become known, it was wonderful at the time. But then the doubt, guilt, shame, horror all kicked in - all the thoughts I'd kept hidden had come out into the open and there was no going back, no possible retraction. It was out there, for good. What would he think? Would it change things between us? Would he see me differently, less respectfully? Would he want to do more in the future that I wouldn't?

She *may* be feeling the same way, and that, combined with subdrop, is a hellish place to be, take it from me. As others have said, she needs your support and reassurance (something which IME which can be massively underrated) that all is still well between you.

 

[IrisAlthea]

The first few occasions when I played with my husband and allowed my deepest darkest desires to become known, it was wonderful at the time. But then the doubt, guilt, shame, horror all kicked in - all the thoughts I'd kept hidden had come out into the open and there was no going back, no possible retraction. It was out there, for good. What would he think? Would it change things between us? Would he see me differently, less respectfully? Would he want to do more in the future that I wouldn't?

She *may* be feeling the same way, and that, combined with subdrop, is a hellish place to be, take it from me. As others have said, she needs your support and reassurance (something which IME which can be massively underrated) that all is still well between you.

This.

When you first get to try things you have been thinking of and wanting for a long time, it's easy to get carried away and get in a kind of frenzy to try out everything at once. Then you get overwhelmed processing it afterwards and you get the feeling that perhaps it wasn't the best of ideas afterall.

 

[xxxCuff]

Thanks for the ideas. Since its new, we both probably screwed up (more me than her) even though we talked about it, looked at toys together etc...
It's been 6 days now and she'll talk, but not really about what we did or what happened. I told her a out sub drop and what she needs from me. So we will see.
In the mean time, I put everything away that we had. Just packed it all away.
I'm humiliate and ashamed of my desires now because I thought it was all good, and now who knows. Ill give it some more time. Talk about Pandora's box. Maybe this was t the right idea. Probably should have kept it inside. I had for 15 years.

 

[Prof Bill]

Again, non-judgmental communication is one of the keys to success in D/s and/or BDSM. Here's another idea: see if there is a group in your area that meets on any regular basis. Where I live a group has munches or tavern-gatherings during the month. No play, just meeting folks and talking and having non-scene fun. If guilt is working on her it might be of benefit for her to meet others who do the same sort of thing and enjoy it. If she feels she's the only one to enjoy all these "perversions," it'd be natural for her to begin a cycle of self-loathing. Much better to have her realize that lots of people do what you guys did and that they're just like people she'll meet in the grocery store or out on the street. Good luck.

 

[xxxCuff]

And how do you find a meetup?

 

[Stella_Omega]

1) Cut out that "more me than her" bullshit. She's a grown woman, you can allow her some responsibility for her decisions. Chivalry is sweet and romantic but not very conducive to growth, and it sounds to me like she needs to grow-- both of you do.

Also, read the essay in my signature. Have her read it too, if you can get her to squinch her eyes back open.

2) to find meetups, try joining fetlife.com, do a search for your locale and look for something called a "munch," which is an informal gathering, usually at a restaurant. Street clothes and public manners are the rule, there should, (ideally,) be no intimidating dominance games, and nobody getting beaten-- just talk and getting to know people.

And I would suggest her seeing a therapist. Specify a kink-friendly one, if you can.

 

[subwannabe]

I'm guessing that this was not really her interest in the first place and that she was willing to try it to please you. After doing it, she discovered that it really wasn't her thing. Now she doesn't know what to think about it all because she fears your cat has been let out of the bag and she has discovered that she wants no part of it. She probably fears that this is important to you and that she cannot fulfill your needs.

 

[coacheric]

I was lucky that over the years my wife has opened up to new things with sex. She has, for the most part, always indulged me with my fantasies, if even just in role play.

I do agree with Stella Omega tho in the fact that you really should not blame yourself. This was something that both of you had discussed and agreed to try. The shitty part is that you now have to find a way to make things work again. I would say time to put them new toys away and posiably never pull them out again.

 

[IrisAlthea]

1) Cut out that "more me than her" bullshit. She's a grown woman, you can allow her some responsibility for her decisions. Chivalry is sweet and romantic but not very conducive to growth, and it sounds to me like she needs to grow-- both of you do.

This.

I'm guessing that this was not really her interest in the first place and that she was willing to try it to please you. After doing it, she discovered that it really wasn't her thing. Now she doesn't know what to think about it all because she fears your cat has been let out of the bag and she has discovered that she wants no part of it. She probably fears that this is important to you and that she cannot fulfill your needs.

It could be something like that but from the OP I get more of tried it and liked it a bit to much.

All any of us can do is speculate. OP can probably make the most educated guess because he knows her and was there but she's still the only one who knows what she feels.
I hope you can get the lines of communication open OP.

 

[Prof Bill]

And how do you find a meetup?

The easiest way I know is to start with just about any search engine. Look for D/s and/or BDSM and a locality.

Good luck.