Something I Needed to Say

[subhiddenaway]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, so it's love to meet you all. It's a little uncomfortable for me to be baring my soul like this, but I've been needing to get some things off my chest for a while now.


Firstly, I'm a submissive. I'm 21, female, and engaged to be married to a man I've been with for 4 years this July. About 3 months before I met my husband to be, I had one of the most heart-shattering experiences of my life. I discovered that my Dom of 3 years had abandoned me. What had happened was he had joined the Navy, but not before collaring me, and confessing that I was his soul mate, and that we'd be married when he returned from boot camp. Unfortunately, not long after he was shipped off, I discovered (via Facebook, nonetheless) he had eloped with another woman and sent me a letter saying he was sorry.. I never heard from him again.

Now that I've shared that with you, here's a bit more about me. BDSM, for me, is more than just sex. It's a lifestyle. Being a submissive is what I live for. It's a characteristic tethered to my soul (sorry for the dramatics, but I don't know how else to describe it). I ache when I cannot serve. I fall into a deep depression when my needs, as a submissive, aren't met.

I cried for a days after I discovered that he'd left me for good. I didn't eat. I thought I'd surely die without him. Then I met my fiance. He has a very dominate personality, so even though our sex-life is fairly vanilla, I get to serve in other ways. For example; he believes strongly in gender roles, so there's that. He doesn't seem to understand my need for more though.. like I can go a long time without sex, but there's more to it than that... I NEED to be dominated right out sometimes, not just have it hinted at, or live in a constant undertone of it.

I've found myself, with the new year, growing more and more depressed and I can't tell if it's my relationship, or if it's just phase. Sometimes I just get sad and it passes, but this time it's deep. I can't stop thinking about my previous Dom. I hurt inside and I don't know what to do. I feel like a mess. I feel angry. The things my fiance has done for years, now bother me immensely. If he gets firm with me, or angry, or says certain things to me I know that they are coming from him because that's who he is, and not because of our lifestyle. Where my previous Dom used to punish me when I misbehaved and cared for my body afterwards, my fiance just yells at me or ignores me. Where my Dom would let me know if I had done well, my fiance only acknowledges my mistakes and makes me feel stupid for wanting recognition for good deeds. And the initialization! Oh my GOD! I know I'm young, but I've been training for years, and have went through a LOT more than most women my age. I'm NOT a freaking child, but this is something I'm suppose to accept because he's 20 years my senior. Is it wrong for me to compare them? I know that they'll never be the same...why can't I stop thinking about it? Why is it hurting me so much?

 

[LearnerDom]

Hmmmm so many things wrong here.

IMO, he is NOT the man to marry, take it from me, vanilla sex when you have a kink will end badly or frustratingly.

It sucks about your old lover but that's a sign your present one is wrong for you.

Forget about men and love your own life, go to college and find yourself.
Your too young to get tied down.
Get out and meet more people

 

[Ripper93]

Sorry to hear about that

 

[luvnmyboys]

well, I think there are some issues that need to be addressed here. It seems like you've got a bit of a mis-match happening here. I think the two of you need to sit down and talk about your needs and expectations and see if you can improve things. If things don't improve and you continue to feel let down by this relationship, I agree with the previous poster that this isn't the person to marry. I would try not to compare the two because every relationship is a little different and he isn't going to be exactly like your old dom. You can however have an honest conversation about what you want from the relationship and how his actions are making you feel.

 

[IrisAlthea]

What made you get together with and get engaged to the man? Other than "so there's that" things?
Do you think the two of you have a reasonable shot at getting what you need, being married to each other?

Difficult discussions about compatibility do not get easier after marriage.

 

[may_I_please]

Your first relationship, from the age of 14, was with a true Dom and then with a 3 month break at the age of 17 you launched into another relationship with an older man because he had domineering qualities, which if I'm honest merely sound a little sexist, but he is not enough.

Sweetheart you have choices. You can choose to believe there is nothing else out there or you can access your power as a true submissive and realise that there is.

You can then either work to educate your current partner, give him information and ask how he feels about it or you can (and this would be my preference) move on and find out what the world is all about.

Go to college; get a job; find out what you need from life and from love.

 

[Oubliette123]

I am so sorry you have been through a rough time. Some of the things I am going to say may not be what you want to hear.

I really get the feeling that you met your husband to be much too fast after your ex Dom left you. Perhaps you picked up on his dominant side and through rose tinted glasses you moulded him into an imaginary Dom in your head?

You have replaced one relationship with another and magnified the bits in the recent one to mirror your old relationship, when that happens then other aspects of the relationship (that feel wrong to you now) get pushed away and ignored.

There is no way to have a successful relationship when half of it is in your head, he won't be what you want him to be. Apart from the feeling of dissatisfaction for you, it is wrong to pretend everything is ok and hurt your fiance too.

But on the flipside, does he know about your preferences? Have you spoke to him about it? Is this lifestyle something he could be into and share with you?

I think honesty is the only way through this, being honest to yourself first and foremost and then honest to him.

Good luck with it all, now is the time to communicate-before you walk down that aisle

 

[RustyIron]

Sounds like you are in a spot.
However no one can tell you what to do you need to think seriously, about if you are heading down the right path or not.

From what you say he is not a DOM, but may have some characteristics of a Dom.
Very different, you are very young and may have gone thru a lot, but you have plenty of time to find the right person for you.
If it does not feel right it generally isn't. It sounds to me from what you are saying it does not feel right.

Good luck, and think carefully.

 

[subwannabe]

I know you say you are not a child but you are. You were with a Dom for three years starting at the age of 14? That is not normal. Then you up and found your current fiance 3 months after your Dom dumped you? You need to cancel this engagement and boyfriend right now, find yourself, get your head screwed back on, and then resume life. That may very well be as a submissive but this relationship is a very huge mistake. Please don't do it. Mistakes like this are very hard to overcome. You are on the wrong road. You need to take a break and find the right road. If you don't do this you are condemming yourself to an entire life of misery.

 

[1sickbastard]

Relationship graveyards are littered with tombstones of sexual incompatibility.

Before you go through with marriage, you need to have an open, brutally honest, adult conversation about both your kinks and his (if he has any, and its likely he does, even if he hasn't admitted them to himself).
If your kinks are incompatible and y'all can't work with an open relationship so you can get your kinks satisfied, do both of you a favor and call it off.

 

[Primalex]

And people call me a troll.

 

[unregistered]

 

[DVS]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, so it's love to meet you all. It's a little uncomfortable for me to be baring my soul like this, but I've been needing to get some things off my chest for a while now.


Firstly, I'm a submissive. I'm 21, female, and engaged to be married to a man I've been with for 4 years this July. About 3 months before I met my husband to be, I had one of the most heart-shattering experiences of my life. I discovered that my Dom of 3 years had abandoned me. What had happened was he had joined the Navy, but not before collaring me, and confessing that I was his soul mate, and that we'd be married when he returned from boot camp. Unfortunately, not long after he was shipped off, I discovered (via Facebook, nonetheless) he had eloped with another woman and sent me a letter saying he was sorry.. I never heard from him again.

Now that I've shared that with you, here's a bit more about me. BDSM, for me, is more than just sex. It's a lifestyle. Being a submissive is what I live for. It's a characteristic tethered to my soul (sorry for the dramatics, but I don't know how else to describe it). I ache when I cannot serve. I fall into a deep depression when my needs, as a submissive, aren't met.

I cried for a days after I discovered that he'd left me for good. I didn't eat. I thought I'd surely die without him. Then I met my fiance. He has a very dominate personality, so even though our sex-life is fairly vanilla, I get to serve in other ways. For example; he believes strongly in gender roles, so there's that. He doesn't seem to understand my need for more though.. like I can go a long time without sex, but there's more to it than that... I NEED to be dominated right out sometimes, not just have it hinted at, or live in a constant undertone of it.

I've found myself, with the new year, growing more and more depressed and I can't tell if it's my relationship, or if it's just phase. Sometimes I just get sad and it passes, but this time it's deep. I can't stop thinking about my previous Dom. I hurt inside and I don't know what to do. I feel like a mess. I feel angry. The things my fiance has done for years, now bother me immensely. If he gets firm with me, or angry, or says certain things to me I know that they are coming from him because that's who he is, and not because of our lifestyle. Where my previous Dom used to punish me when I misbehaved and cared for my body afterwards, my fiance just yells at me or ignores me. Where my Dom would let me know if I had done well, my fiance only acknowledges my mistakes and makes me feel stupid for wanting recognition for good deeds. And the initialization! Oh my GOD! I know I'm young, but I've been training for years, and have went through a LOT more than most women my age. I'm NOT a freaking child, but this is something I'm suppose to accept because he's 20 years my senior. Is it wrong for me to compare them? I know that they'll never be the same...why can't I stop thinking about it? Why is it hurting me so much?

OK, here's the deal. If you're for real, you've gotten yourself into a fix at a pretty early age. I understand what you're talking about when you say you liked your previous dom, but if that's true, why did you get together with your fiance, if he isn't a little closer to how your previous dom was? Or I'd at least not marry the guy, if he's not going to satisfy your needs, and it doesn't sound like he's doing a very good job of that.

I'd suggest (and others already have suggested this) you both sit down and talk this over. Tell him what you expect from a marriage with him and have him tell you what he expects from a marriage with you. It might turn out OK, if he understands how deep you are into this. Or, you could end up not marrying the guy, and saving yourself some insanity or a divorce, whichever comes first.

I would also say, as others have already mentioned and you know already, he isn't going to be a perfect match to your previous dom. But, if he agrees to change, after he knows more about how you feel, you might end up still getting married. But, if he doesn't want to or can't change his ways, and you can't continue with him as he is, can't you figure out for yourself what you'd need to do? If nothing else, you have a lot of your life ahead of you to find someone else that better fits your needs and desires.

 

[unregistered]

 

[bluesky496]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, so it's love to meet you all. It's a little uncomfortable for me to be baring my soul like this, but I've been needing to get some things off my chest for a while now.


Firstly, I'm a submissive. I'm 21, female, and engaged to be married to a man I've been with for 4 years this July. About 3 months before I met my husband to be, I had one of the most heart-shattering experiences of my life. I discovered that my Dom of 3 years had abandoned me. What had happened was he had joined the Navy, but not before collaring me, and confessing that I was his soul mate, and that we'd be married when he returned from boot camp. Unfortunately, not long after he was shipped off, I discovered (via Facebook, nonetheless) he had eloped with another woman and sent me a letter saying he was sorry.. I never heard from him again.

Now that I've shared that with you, here's a bit more about me. BDSM, for me, is more than just sex. It's a lifestyle. Being a submissive is what I live for. It's a characteristic tethered to my soul (sorry for the dramatics, but I don't know how else to describe it). I ache when I cannot serve. I fall into a deep depression when my needs, as a submissive, aren't
I cried for a days after I discovered that he'd left me for good. I didn't eat. I thought I'd surely die without him. Then I met my fiance. He has a very dominate personality, so even though our sex-life is fairly vanilla, I get to serve in other ways. For example; he believes strongly in gender roles, so there's that. He doesn't seem to understand my need for more though.. like I can go a long time without sex, but there's more to it than that... I NEED to be dominated right out sometimes, not just have it hinted at, or live in a constant undertone of it.

I've found myself, with the new year, growing more and more depressed and I can't tell if it's my relationship, or if it's just phase. Sometimes I just get sad and it passes, but this time it's deep. I can't stop thinking about my previous Dom. I hurt inside and I don't know what to do. I feel like a mess. I feel angry. The things my fiance has done for years, now bother me immensely. If he gets firm with me, or angry, or says certain things to me I know that they are coming from him because that's who he is, and not because of our lifestyle. Where my previous Dom used to punish me when I misbehaved and cared for my body afterwards, my fiance just yells at me or ignores me. Where my Dom would let me know if I had done well, my fiance only acknowledges my mistakes and makes me feel stupid for wanting recognition for good deeds. And the initialization! Oh my GOD! I know I'm young, but I've been training for years, and have went through a LOT more than most women my age. I'm NOT a freaking child, but this is something I'm suppose to accept because he's 20 years my senior. Is it wrong for me to compare them? I know that they'll never be the same...why can't I stop thinking about it? Why is it hurting me so much?

what you are experiencing is an abusive relationship not a loving sub/ dom one ,he is just making you feel small to cover his own inadequacies and in my opinion you should get out now .

 

[unregistered]

 

[October46]

Hi, I feel sorry for you, life deals us some crappy cards at times, but we must dig deep and get over the set backs. I know this does not help right now, but some time in the future you will look back at this experience and realize it was for the best. You are young and you feel that your world is ending, but it is just starting. You will realize this in years to come.

If you ever need to talk, let me know, I will listen!

A Friend

 

[Domesticity]

It's much easier to leave someone who you're not a good fit with than to live in a shitty marriage. It's also much easier to leave a fiancé than to get a divorce. Sexual incompatibility tends to get worse, in my experience.

 

[Fuckette]

You were 13 years old? How old was your dom?

 

[Vixandra]

I'm thinking there's more to your past here than you've typed out (and you have every right not to type it out.) But from what you've posted, you've been in a BDSM relationship since 14, which honestly makes me cringe. Now, you're with a man 20 years your senior, who hooked up with you at 17 (illegal in most states) and you're unhappy with.

If he treats you like a child now and his style of conflict resolution isn't compatible with yours, better to leave now. He's not changing. Why should he- his style of behavior got him one young woman to put out, why change a working pattern?

You say you've been through a lot, but how much have you been through on your own? Without being able to fall back on some real or pseudo dominant? Have you lived on your own or with non-romantic roommates? Gone after any kind of education or trade skill that will keep you fed/housed/clothed should you suddenly find yourself on your own?

You're 21 and most people that age have no business getting married. There are exceptions (hell, I got married at 19 and we're still together over a decade later) but for the most part, you're still learning who you are. Some will disagree with me and that's okay. But from my experience with most young adults in the 18-24 range, most of them aren't ready for the lifelong commitment that marriage should be. Don't tie yourself to someone who's conveniently there now when you could find a dominant that can meet your needs and you his.

 

[eric60red]

In a true real MASTER and sub relationship, the sub has all the power, she has the right to walk away at any time, and leave her so called Master and he if he is proper Dom, can do nothing to stop you. If you need any guidance, just ask me

 

[Master276]

I don't know how to respond to this except to say as a master of 32 I have met many people in the lifestyle, many were nice, many more were scum. you young lady ha ve no business on God's Green earth getting married. Several people who have written on here are sexually selfish. If you can't talk with your partner pr satisfy their needs don't marry them I'm an engaged man and I would sooner lay down my life for my bride then walk away

 

[unregistered]

 

[fire_breeze]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, so it's love to meet you all. It's a little uncomfortable for me to be baring my soul like this, but I've been needing to get some things off my chest for a while now.


Firstly, I'm a submissive. I'm 21, female, and engaged to be married to a man I've been with for 4 years this July. About 3 months before I met my husband to be, I had one of the most heart-shattering experiences of my life. I discovered that my Dom of 3 years had abandoned me. What had happened was he had joined the Navy, but not before collaring me, and confessing that I was his soul mate, and that we'd be married when he returned from boot camp. Unfortunately, not long after he was shipped off, I discovered (via Facebook, nonetheless) he had eloped with another woman and sent me a letter saying he was sorry.. I never heard from him again.

Now that I've shared that with you, here's a bit more about me. BDSM, for me, is more than just sex. It's a lifestyle. Being a submissive is what I live for. It's a characteristic tethered to my soul (sorry for the dramatics, but I don't know how else to describe it). I ache when I cannot serve. I fall into a deep depression when my needs, as a submissive, aren't met.

I cried for a days after I discovered that he'd left me for good. I didn't eat. I thought I'd surely die without him. Then I met my fiance. He has a very dominate personality, so even though our sex-life is fairly vanilla, I get to serve in other ways. For example; he believes strongly in gender roles, so there's that. He doesn't seem to understand my need for more though.. like I can go a long time without sex, but there's more to it than that... I NEED to be dominated right out sometimes, not just have it hinted at, or live in a constant undertone of it.

I've found myself, with the new year, growing more and more depressed and I can't tell if it's my relationship, or if it's just phase. Sometimes I just get sad and it passes, but this time it's deep. I can't stop thinking about my previous Dom. I hurt inside and I don't know what to do. I feel like a mess. I feel angry. The things my fiance has done for years, now bother me immensely. If he gets firm with me, or angry, or says certain things to me I know that they are coming from him because that's who he is, and not because of our lifestyle. Where my previous Dom used to punish me when I misbehaved and cared for my body afterwards, my fiance just yells at me or ignores me. Where my Dom would let me know if I had done well, my fiance only acknowledges my mistakes a/nd makes me feel stupid for wanting recognition for good deeds. And the initialization! Oh my GOD! I know I'm young, but I've been training for years, and have went through a LOT more than most women my age. I'm NOT a freaking child, but this is something I'm suppose to accept because he's 20 years my senior. Is it wrong for me to compare them? I know that they'll never be the same...why can't I stop thinking about it? Why is it hurting me so much?

I am a lurker of these forums, and I will tell you that the regular posters are one of the keenest, most intelligent, wisest people I've had the pleasure of reading (and for some who drift on over to the other part of the board, interacting with).

I do want to say one thing, though; your final paragraph sends chills down my spine and raises up a slew of red-flags. A relationship, and one where the power dynamics are closer to the surface, is a partnership. Yes, the power exchange may be different, but it is a partnership nonetheless. When one partner does not support the other, belittles for mistakes, ignores the other, and makes the other feel stupid for wanting recognition. Partners help each other grow, otherwise the relationship is dead. Period.

You are exceedingly young. You may have experienced more than the average 21 year old (which should make you realise that you don't have to get married at this age), but you are young nonetheless. Would you be able to survive on your own, if for whatever reasons, you are left alone and have to fend for yourself? Do you have an education or a trade to fall on? What happens if 5 years down the line, he has a heart attack or leaves you and you are alone with a child or two? Can you stand on your own two feet without relying on any others? And by the way, to quote Baz Luhrmann, even if you have a trust fund or a wealthy spouse, you never know when one of them runs out. In these uncertain economic times, you cannot be 100% reliant that you will be fully taken care of. Have you travelled? Lived your life under your terms? You may identify as a submissive, but that does not mean you must always be in a relationship.

I may be wrong, so I strongly suggest that you take the advice given by those who are considerably wiser than I.

*goes back into lurk-mode*

 

[unregistered]