Married for 15 plus years... Wife Absolutely shocked When I told her I was a Dom

[bluestoneriver]

Hi, new here and did not see anything posted on this that I could find...Hard to get more than a page or two per night cause its... hard!

So I will tell the longer version another time for those that want it but I was a reluctant dom in my college days, late 80's- early 90's to a woman who absolutely loved it. She liked to be spanked and tied up and told she was naughty girl. It took some time for me but I eventually got into and found it fun... it was mostly in a play format. for me, it was a take or leave it. We dated for six years but only got into BDSM the last three and did the sub thing once or twice a month. She was a hard core student and used bdsm as her release after long weeks of study.

We split and she married a dude who was pretty straight.

I went on as a bachelor for a bit but managed to get serious for about 2 years to a lady who was just not the one for me and called it quits. We never strayed into BDSM. Met my wife and we had an awesome whirlwind romance that was free of anything kinky. I never felt urges and she was pretty straight. No problem... we had great sex as a vanilla couple... for a while.

After our third kid, she totally went cold on me and our sex life basically died. There were lots of reasons and she tells it as mostly my fault ... my misjudgement causing financial instability in the household and the stress it creates.... and I will agree that my mistakes put us in a bad place financially. Never cheated, never strayed and never gave her any reason to believe I had. (although she considers porn to be cheating)

I am very touchy kind of guy and will flirt and talk and be extremely frisky and it has turned out to be something she does not like... especially in front of people. I dont want to make her sound like a prude, she is a wonderful person but she is mannered from a nice upstanding catholic family.

I am addicted to her curves and want to rub her from top to bottom. Over the course of our marriage I do that much much less and it has caused a chasm between us. I do take responsibility for a lot of divergence but she has also divided us sexually because of her rediscovered religious beliefs- she was raised Catholic and I was a redneck.

So, I have been lonely for a number of years to be intimate in a way that is fulfilling as well. I like to perform oral sex, love to rub her body from head to toe, love to touch for her pleasure.... I like to watch her masturbate... I like to explore and discover... She, however does not.

I havent seen her naked in years... full body nude and spreading to show it. I could not pick out her pussy in a line up... And get this, she will not let me perform oral sex on her... and I LOVE it...

I am open to trying just about anything sexually and I can only get her to have sex on average about once a month.

I am not a controlling person. She once remarked how I was the only guy who never tried to change her behavior in any way. I am way laid back when it comes to that aspect.

However, the coolness of our relationship caused me to fantasize and go places in the mind and internet that werent normal places i went. So after viewing some porn on occasion happen onto a BDSM seen that reminded me of my college days and I found myself fantasizing about it.... And in a flash I became the reluctant dom all over again.

Now I wanted my wife to be this.... I fantasize about it, I made up elaborate scenarios in my head and for a bit, this held my urges at bay. It is torture to have the one you want so bad... to smell her sweet pussy, to spank the ass you absolutely love... to kiss a restrained lover... it is torture to lay there and not be able to do it. I decided I had to tell her but was afraid of her reaction.

I managed to get her out to eat at new restaurant and planned on how I was gonna tell her I was a dom.... The conversation was shot down before it ever got going.

I told her That i was not a control freak but felt That ineeded her to want to be controlled in the bedroom. I told her I wanted her to own her for a night and that i wanted her fully to kiss to hug, to spank, to lick,

I only got to the point where she realized where the conversation was going before she made it clear that her body was God's and not mine to do with as I chose.

There went my erection!

So, here I am now craving her more than I ever have and knowing that it aint gonna happen. I am sure that there are many who have to deal with this situation and I am wondering others advice.

Thanks

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I don't have any good advice for you, but I wanted to offer my sympathy for a difficult situation! It's always hard when two people's sexual desires are conflicting, particularly if they are committed to each other alone. I hope it all works out for you in the end! I'm sure some folks here will chime in with decent advice



Note: some will chime in with bad advice so be ready with some of those grains of salt...

 

[HussarVanburen]

Hi, new here and did not see anything posted on this that I could find...Hard to get more than a page or two per night cause its... hard!

So I will tell the longer version another time for those that want it but I was a reluctant dom in my college days, late 80's- early 90's to a woman who absolutely loved it. She liked to be spanked and tied up and told she was naughty girl. It took some time for me but I eventually got into and found it fun... it was mostly in a play format. for me, it was a take or leave it. We dated for six years but only got into BDSM the last three and did the sub thing once or twice a month. She was a hard core student and used bdsm as her release after long weeks of study.

We split and she married a dude who was pretty straight.

I went on as a bachelor for a bit but managed to get serious for about 2 years to a lady who was just not the one for me and called it quits. We never strayed into BDSM. Met my wife and we had an awesome whirlwind romance that was free of anything kinky. I never felt urges and she was pretty straight. No problem... we had great sex as a vanilla couple... for a while.

After our third kid, she totally went cold on me and our sex life basically died. There were lots of reasons and she tells it as mostly my fault ... my misjudgement causing financial instability in the household and the stress it creates.... and I will agree that my mistakes put us in a bad place financially. Never cheated, never strayed and never gave her any reason to believe I had. (although she considers porn to be cheating)

I am very touchy kind of guy and will flirt and talk and be extremely frisky and it has turned out to be something she does not like... especially in front of people. I dont want to make her sound like a prude, she is a wonderful person but she is mannered from a nice upstanding catholic family.

I am addicted to her curves and want to rub her from top to bottom. Over the course of our marriage I do that much much less and it has caused a chasm between us. I do take responsibility for a lot of divergence but she has also divided us sexually because of her rediscovered religious beliefs- she was raised Catholic and I was a redneck.

So, I have been lonely for a number of years to be intimate in a way that is fulfilling as well. I like to perform oral sex, love to rub her body from head to toe, love to touch for her pleasure.... I like to watch her masturbate... I like to explore and discover... She, however does not.

I havent seen her naked in years... full body nude and spreading to show it. I could not pick out her pussy in a line up... And get this, she will not let me perform oral sex on her... and I LOVE it...

I am open to trying just about anything sexually and I can only get her to have sex on average about once a month.

I am not a controlling person. She once remarked how I was the only guy who never tried to change her behavior in any way. I am way laid back when it comes to that aspect.

However, the coolness of our relationship caused me to fantasize and go places in the mind and internet that werent normal places i went. So after viewing some porn on occasion happen onto a BDSM seen that reminded me of my college days and I found myself fantasizing about it.... And in a flash I became the reluctant dom all over again.

Now I wanted my wife to be this.... I fantasize about it, I made up elaborate scenarios in my head and for a bit, this held my urges at bay. It is torture to have the one you want so bad... to smell her sweet pussy, to spank the ass you absolutely love... to kiss a restrained lover... it is torture to lay there and not be able to do it. I decided I had to tell her but was afraid of her reaction.

I managed to get her out to eat at new restaurant and planned on how I was gonna tell her I was a dom.... The conversation was shot down before it ever got going.

I told her That i was not a control freak but felt That ineeded her to want to be controlled in the bedroom. I told her I wanted her to own her for a night and that i wanted her fully to kiss to hug, to spank, to lick,

I only got to the point where she realized where the conversation was going before she made it clear that her body was God's and not mine to do with as I chose.

There went my erection!

So, here I am now craving her more than I ever have and knowing that it aint gonna happen. I am sure that there are many who have to deal with this situation and I am wondering others advice.

Thanks

The quick and nasty of it is this:

You have a shit wife.

A woman who has not given herself to you, body and soul, is not a woman truly worthy of being called a wife. In fact, her nonsense about God is especially ridiculous considering the traditional, "God-based" marriage, is one in which the wife surrenders completely to the husband.

To love, honour, and obey.

Ephesians 5:22-23: 22Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.…

 

[knot_sweet]

The quick and nasty of it is this:

You have a shit wife.

A woman who has not given herself to you, body and soul, is not a woman truly worthy of being called a wife. In fact, her nonsense about God is especially ridiculous considering the traditional, "God-based" marriage, is one in which the wife surrenders completely to the husband.

To love, honour, and obey.

Ephesians 5:22-23: 22Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.…

If you take this advice, you'll probably end up in another bedroom.

Try asking what your wife wants in bed. Give her the reigns and see where it goes. She might have desires she hasn't asked for because "religion"

Or, maybe just try asking why she doesn't seem interested in sex with you.

It could be that her feelings have gotten cold because of the finacial stresses you admit to putting the family under. Sometimes, there's an ocean of things you don't say because you're trying to be the better person and get past it. Doesn't work, but...

Or it might just be that she isn't really into sex. There are people like that.

The only way you're going to find out is through open, no blame laying, no whining, no demanding, conversation.

A very close friend of mine just reconciled with his wife. They started with text messages. He said it worked because it gave them each time to consider their replies more carefully and say what they thought, rather than just reacting emotionally.

I'm not suggesting that it's the ideal solution and as bhndblueyes88 said, any advice here is offered with plenty of salt.

But my sympathies and best wishes to you both. I truly hope it works out for you.

 

[Alliecat1970]

This is going to sound awful and really manipulative, but have you thought of using her recommitment to her faith to your advantage? Perhaps take a HOH approach. You are the husband, the head of the household, she is you wife and is yours to protect and guide. Guide her right into the bedroom. Then slowly ramp up the activities.

This is not a philosophy particularly associated with Catholicism, but the charismatic Catholics can get up to some pretty freaky stuff, Opus Dei, etc. Plus Catholicism is based on fairly patriarchal philosophies.

It might just be meeting her where she is at the moment. Divorce would likely be worse from her perspective...

 

[bluestoneriver]

@allie I have thought about that and discussed it somewhat (not in the same context) but the Catholic's believe sex is for making babies and so any other use is really not holy.... So it is like that. I have ideas in my head of sending off the kids one night and then do HOH on her. Who knows, maybe that would... but

She has had bad experiences with men in the past that may help explain reluctance to even try it for me and that is under all the issues that accumulates over 15 years of marriage.

She is a type A go getter.... I am not! I'll take a hike to enjoy the peacefulness.... she hikes to get heart rate to "x" level.

Hygiene is extremely important to her and I believe oral sex is extremely taboo in her mind.... big bummer there. Touching her with my hands is off limits too, i get blocked from touching her there.

She has these hips that just drive me crazy with lust and passion but tells me it starts to annoy her if I hold them for more than a few minutes..... and i love touching her whole body and she loves it when it is in massage mode, but not in passion mode it seems. I like to lick her toes and that sends her ballistic.... really hates it when i do that....

She is pretty defensive sometimes.... Not sure why I put it all out there but it is killing me keeping it bottled up.

On the plus side, she is a wonderful woman, truly... outside of the sex, she is a model human being and I am extremely proud to call her my wife. We homeschooled our kids, she is a great mom, teacher and is very spiritual... I really admire that in her. She is an awesome person inside and out....

I think really, she has fallen out of love but made a commitment and sticking to it. I too made the commitment. We are in it for our kids now but it gets harder to be a partnership outside the bedroom right now.

Thanks for the replies and thoughts...

Just a silly thought... Wonder what God thinks of all my BDSM prayers?

 

[Alliecat1970]

I think God has heard more than a few BDSM prayer, certainly a lot of "Oh, God".

I think love is a constantly shifting continuum, if the basis is there, it can be reinvigorated. Sexual frustration is a bitch though...

Have you thought of finding a priest with whom you feel comfortable and getting marital counseling. I think there are priests out there who are open to considering sex a vital part of marriage, not just for procreation. That might make it more palatable to your wife and demonstrate your commitment to the relationship in a tangible way to which she can relate...

 

[bluestoneriver]

I think God has heard more than a few BDSM prayer, certainly a lot of "Oh, God".

I think love is a constantly shifting continuum, if the basis is there, it can be reinvigorated. Sexual frustration is a bitch though...

Have you thought of finding a priest with whom you feel comfortable and getting marital counseling. I think there are priests out there who are open to considering sex a vital part of marriage, not just for procreation. That might make it more palatable to your wife and demonstrate your commitment to the relationship in a tangible way to which she can relate...

No, I had not. But it could be worth it.

"Yo father, she has been a little naughty girl lately...." Be fun to his face with that.. lol J/k

 

[Alliecat1970]

Sounds like the set up for a few of my fantasies from my parochial school days....

 

[Alliecat1970]

I did sort of land Father What a Waste... sigh

 

[Ssultana]

I think I am in a similar situation as you, but in reverse. I am the one who wishes my husband was dominant so that I could submit to him, but he has absolutely no interest and I think, is actually a bit repelled by the idea of it. He's Catholic also. It's funny how you can spend so much time with a person, be married and have children together, but find it so difficult to reveal that hidden side of you. It has caused a serious rift in our marriage, and it seems we are together at this point for the kids. Of course there are other problems as well, but sex is a major issue for many marriages as everyone has such different needs/wants.

I think all you can do, is express how you feel and really try to get her to open up about the reasons why your relationship has changed over the years, especially her interest in sex. I know from being married, the little things accumulate over time and it's hard to forget and/or forgive. Therapy is an option as well. My husband and I have gone separately and I found it helpful to have the chance to just talk about yourself and your needs, to someone without judgement. You could try couples therapy or even speak to a priest. Maybe not getting into the hardcore details of BDSM, but just about her feelings towards you and sex in general.

In the end, you can't change the other person's feelings about sex, how often they want it, how they want it and who they want it with. It's difficult, and I offer my sympathy to you. That's why the Literotica forum exists, so that you can meet people in similar situations and we can all be frustrated together!

Good luck! I hope God answers your BDSM prayers, he must have misplaced mine in a pile somewhere in heaven

 

[bluestoneriver]

I was not into at first but was seduced.

Maybe you could seduce him into being a Dom? Get to him with what you know is a turn on, get him fired up then beg for what you want to continue what he wants...

Seems like if you can get on the right path with a male brain, maybe be able to add to his experience of his turn on.... So instead of him doing something new, add to what he already loves.

So if he was into doggy, give it to him open and when he near the end, stop and ask for a spank or your hair to be pulled... or something you want. Now he has an association what you desire with what he enjoys... and just keep building til he gets.

Maybe that could work??

It is something I tried with my wife, but we work very opposite hours so it was hard to reinforce and we only average sex once or twice per month (and only maintenance sex- maintaining me staying home, lol)

I think I am in a similar situation as you, but in reverse. I am the one who wishes my husband was dominant so that I could submit to him, but he has absolutely no interest and I think, is actually a bit repelled by the idea of it. He's Catholic also. It's funny how you can spend so much time with a person, be married and have children together, but find it so difficult to reveal that hidden side of you. It has caused a serious rift in our marriage, and it seems we are together at this point for the kids. Of course there are other problems as well, but sex is a major issue for many marriages as everyone has such different needs/wants.

I think all you can do, is express how you feel and really try to get her to open up about the reasons why your relationship has changed over the years, especially her interest in sex. I know from being married, the little things accumulate over time and it's hard to forget and/or forgive. Therapy is an option as well. My husband and I have gone separately and I found it helpful to have the chance to just talk about yourself and your needs, to someone without judgement. You could try couples therapy or even speak to a priest. Maybe not getting into the hardcore details of BDSM, but just about her feelings towards you and sex in general.

In the end, you can't change the other person's feelings about sex, how often they want it, how they want it and who they want it with. It's difficult, and I offer my sympathy to you. That's why the Literotica forum exists, so that you can meet people in similar situations and we can all be frustrated together!

Good luck! I hope God answers your BDSM prayers, he must have misplaced mine in a pile somewhere in heaven

 

[bluestoneriver]

I did sort of land Father What a Waste... sigh

Sorry....

Read some of your past posts....

I understand the expectations and the fakeness... Not sure where the time frame of that issue is but it resonates!

 

[CutieMouse]

There is often a belief withing certain Faith communities (Roman Catholic, Evangelical) that dogma states sex is for procreative purposes, only. This is often an uninformed, watered down, simplified bastardization of actual Church teachings, because lets face it - sex is complicated.

Yes, the ultimate purpose of sex us for procreative purposes. *HOWEVER*...

Every time a husband and wife are sexually intimate, it is viewed (by most theologians) as a renewal of their covenant before God. Even The [Catholic] Church recognizes the importance of sexual union within the confines of marriage, aside from pro-creative purposes. The *actual* teachings revolve around an *openness* towards pro-creation (recognizing the ultimate conclusion of the sex act is one of biological function- pregnancy), not an attitude that any sex outside of the roughly 72 hour window of fertility (each month) is evil, bad, immoral, etc. In fact, depending on the counselor you speak with (deacon, priest, etc), they may suggest that by refusing to nurture intimacy in the marriage, one of the founding covenants of marriage.

 

[box13]

So you're probably approaching "middle age", and she's very likely concerned about her body aging...and it could be some hormone changes as well, and she's a member of a belief system that holds celibacy as the highest form of earthly good.

OK, so things aren't looking hopeful.

There are groups out there (CDD for one) that discuss including some Dom-ish / discipline into their marriages, and I get the feeling from reading lots of posts that it kind of spans the range of simple over-the-knee and then for some the tied-to-a-spanking-bench-and-whipped kinds of interests. And I think it also includes being sexually subservient as well, to the point that the HOH directs the entire show (of course, the graphic detail is missing, but you can fill in the blanks). A lot of people just aren't comfortable with the "BDSM" label though, so you have to kind of walk a line between the two worlds I suppose.

But from my understanding of Catholic Tradition, and how it tends to trump a few Bible verses here and there, I don't know that you're not going to have much luck in using the Ephesians Bible Study approach to bedroom fulfillment. However, there may be a Catholic authority that at the very least discourages wives from trying to become nuns while they're married. That makes sense to me personally, but still a great many people with lofty ideals look at sex as something to make babies with, and once that's done, then it's over. Or at least that's what they say in public.

There are also Christian authors who try to push back the misconception that "faith" means "without sex", and the book I'm reading now addresses that subject. So I think there's information out there. But those old pagan traditions are difficult to shake.

Now with all of that being said, I'm sort of in a similar boat myself....and having the conversation about being a "Daddy" because, like yourself, something happened in the 80's and 90's, just wouldn't go over very well I imagine. More because I don't think it suits her personality, or because to her it sounds perverted, and not so much because of her personal belief system, although that may play a small part.

This is where the word "sublimate" comes in handy. *sigh*

 

[MeekMe]

Have you tried wooing her without sex?

If you suspect she has fallen out of love with you, perhaps you should try to get her to fall back in love with you? Personally, I had to be secure with my feelings before I could have sex with someone. Maybe she needs you to go on dates and gave great conversations without it leading to sex?

Just a thought. I wouldn't bother with BDSM until she can actually like just having sex with you. I'm no expert, and things like this are probably better left to professionals.

Good luck (*^_^*)

 

[GrrlFriday]

I'll second MeekMe's suggestion of wooing your wife - it sounds like she's lost some of her trust in you. Have you tried to reduce the divergences in your marriage that you've caused?

'My body is God's, not yours' sounds like she's trying to protect herself. Sometimes, it can be a monkey's grip - a guy being pushy can lead to a girl not wanting to try new things, and a girl not wanting to try new things can make a guy desperately want to be pushy. (I'm speaking here about her past relationships. You're the only guy who's never wanted to change her - and now 'suddenly' you want to change her.)

 

[Pachet]

If you try everything and nothing works, then it's my opinion it's best to separate. To me, part of being a parent is modeling what a successful, healthy, loving relationship looks like. I've never agreed with staying together for the kids in a marriage that isn't working. I understand she's a wonderful wife and mother. But life on this earth is SHORT. There is no reason to stay in a relationship that is irretrievably broken. Whether yours is or not is your call, of course. But don't you believe you deserve a real relationship? A woman who allows you to touch her sexually? Someone who is compatible with your sexuality? You really want to spend the rest of your life pining for what you need while you play "perfect family" for the kids, who know better anyway once they reach 8 or so?

Model brave behaviour, and a refusal to settle for anything but something real. If nothing works and your wife refuses to make ANY steps towards you, try any compromise, or show any understanding of your needs and feelings, then explain to her that you married to be loved, in love, and intimate - not just so you could raise children, and that showing children what a healthy relationship is, is as important as telling them not to run after balls in the street. Scary? yes, scary as hell, for both of you probably, but to me, the alternative - living the rest of your years pretending to be the perfect happy couple while inside you just keep wishing for something you absolutely need but can't have, as your children learn that that's what marriage looks like - that's even scarier.

 

[midwestyankee]

Look, there is hardly a married man (present or former) alive who hasn't spent some time in the my-wife-won't-fuck-me wing of the adulthood hotel. It's just part of the territory. Now, before you start complaining that I'm trivializing your situation, please read on.

I spent nearly ten years in that wing so I know a little bit about your state of mind. Perhaps my room wasn't quite as dismal as yours, but trust me when I say that the view was absolutely shitty and the sun rarely shone in through the grime on the windows.

I don't think you're a dom. My take is that you're a guy who spent some time getting his rocks off as a service top to a woman who liked to bottom to you and when you both got together the sex was better than most college guys can fantasize about. Now that your rocks are turning bluer by the day, your mind is going back to that one period in your life when you got sex of the best kind: frequent. Now, you're missing all forms of physical intimacy and the depth of your horniness is fueling wild fantasies from your past that are fooling you into thinking that that guy, who was only ever a top who had frequent access to an amenable bottom, was a dom and that he is the same guy as the current you. Not likely.

Thing is, it looks like things won't get any better for you, possibly for quite a while. I only know of one way out this wing that you're in: give her the key to open the door, use the key yourself to walk out into the fresh clean sunshine, or decide to stay where you are. Your choice.

We can't possibly learn enough about you and your wife from a few hundred - or even several thousand - words that you might post here. The most you can reasonably expect is to read here that others have been in the same place and they lived to tell about it.

Perhaps you're asking what I did that I'm still here to tell the tale. I put the key in her hand and said I believe we need to talk about this. I continued to say that at that point I was quite sure that the only foreseeable finale was divorce. Instead, we talked and talked and talked for several months and worked things out so we're both happier and more satisfied than ever before. Maybe we got lucky or maybe we just did the same smart things that many survivors do. I can't really say which is true.

Just do understand one thing: if you think your room in the my-wife-won't-fuck-me wing is ugly, you ought to see the corridor that leads to the front door.

But then you should also see how pretty the grounds are outside.

 

[desertslave]

The quick and nasty of it is this:

You have a shit wife.

A woman who has not given herself to you, body and soul, is not a woman truly worthy of being called a wife. In fact, her nonsense about God is especially ridiculous considering the traditional, "God-based" marriage, is one in which the wife surrenders completely to the husband.

To love, honour, and obey.

Ephesians 5:22-23: 22Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.…

As Master has said in the past, you can't argue with god. But I do think HVB has a very valid point that she made a vow to you before that same god to honor you (maybe obey), and join with you.

Is there any chance that she is afraid of getting pregnant again? As a 'good catholic' that might be a problem.

 

[bluestoneriver]

Thanks for the replies...Not a lot of time so quick reply....

As for the Pregnant- cant happen, it has been negated.

"Wife won't fuck..... Wing of Adult Hotel...." That was damn funny

As for wooing her, that is something worth trying...

Thank you all for the support and the advice. I have a lot of running to do but I will be back later to follow up more.

Thanks again.

 

[desertslave]

One more thought on the religious lines...if she attends church perhaps you could enlist the help of her priest in restoring some carnal harmony to your marriage. I'd leave out the D/s aspect, of course, but perhaps some priestly support of your needs would help. If you know him, too, you might seek some time to talk with him privately, as well. (Mainly to be sure he'd actually be on your side.)

 

[FurryFury]

Many times, women are slow builders to sex. If they see you love them and admire them (not sexually, necessarily, which can feel pushy to a woman who is resistant to sex) it can open them up, renew positive feelings.

Seeing you helping out with household duties or going the extra mile romantically, can make a huge difference. If she gets the message that she has a partner in life who values her and that she is not doing nearly everything herself, that can also go a long way.

But if she gets the message, he just wants sex, that's not likely to go well.

 

[DrHappy]

I only got to the point where she realized where the conversation was going before she made it clear that her body was God's and not mine to do with as I chose.

If she's going to try to invoke scripture at you, then give her 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 (NIV):

4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer...

 

[Aphro]

After our third kid, she totally went cold on me and our sex life basically died. There were lots of reasons and she tells it as mostly my fault ... my misjudgement causing financial instability in the household and the stress it creates.... and I will agree that my mistakes put us in a bad place financially. Never cheated, never strayed and never gave her any reason to believe I had. (although she considers porn to be cheating)

Having kids is the thing...they are tiring, demanding, and suck the life right out of you. How old are the kids now? If you've been married 15 years, they must be out of baby/toddlerhood, so I am hoping sleep deprivation is no longer a factor.

As for your misjudgement and the financial instability...what are you doing or have you done to help alleviate this? Is it still an issue? Have you guys done any couples counselling to discuss these issues? Grudge holding is a sure fire way to put the pilot light out in the bedroom

I am very touchy kind of guy and will flirt and talk and be extremely frisky and it has turned out to be something she does not like... especially in front of people. I dont want to make her sound like a prude, she is a wonderful person but she is mannered from a nice upstanding catholic family.

When you say you are touchy and flirty, are you talking about with her, or with other women? If it's with other women, I can see why that might piss her off!

If it is with her, but she doesn't like PDA's then I guess you need to respect her boundaries. However, is she also against little displays of affection, such as coming up behind her and putting your arms around her, or a playful slap on the ass, when you are at home and alone? If so, then see point A about the counselling. From my perspective, at least, sex has to begin long before you take the clothes off, and loving touches are a big part of that.

I am addicted to her curves and want to rub her from top to bottom. Over the course of our marriage I do that much much less and it has caused a chasm between us. I do take responsibility for a lot of divergence but she has also divided us sexually because of her rediscovered religious beliefs- she was raised Catholic and I was a redneck.

Why is it you do it much less? When you do have sex, what happens? Does she shut you down? Tell you to get on with it? What?

Here's a thought...can you pleasure her without expecting anything back? I'm thinking can you make it all about her, and not just as a prelude to getting your rocks off? That way, you are not "using" her body for your pleasure, but for hers? I don't know what the bible says about female sexual pleasure, any good theology students able to help me out?

So, I have been lonely for a number of years to be intimate in a way that is fulfilling as well. I like to perform oral sex, love to rub her body from head to toe, love to touch for her pleasure.... I like to watch her masturbate... I like to explore and discover... She, however does not.

Has she actually said she does not like these things? Is it because she seems unresponsive to you that you think she doesn't like them? How did she used to respond to you sexually, pre-kids?

I havent seen her naked in years... full body nude and spreading to show it. I could not pick out her pussy in a line up... And get this, she will not let me perform oral sex on her... and I LOVE it...

I am open to trying just about anything sexually and I can only get her to have sex on average about once a month.

Body issues and insecurity. Guaranteed. If she gained weight with pregnancy, has stretch marks, maybe boobs that are not as perky as they once were, she may think she is not as attractive to you anymore.

I told her That i was not a control freak but felt That ineeded her to want to be controlled in the bedroom. I told her I wanted her to own her for a night and that i wanted her fully to kiss to hug, to spank, to lick,

I only got to the point where she realized where the conversation was going before she made it clear that her body was God's and not mine to do with as I chose.

Well, I can see why that didn't go well! Kinda incongruous to go from having unsatisfactory sex once a month to honey I want to have a night of kinky bondage sex! I really think this is something you have to work up to.

Although I am not part of the BDSM board/community, I wanted to respond to you.

Heck, for me, Dom is what goes with Perignon…

However, I used to be “that wife” who didn’t want sex. In fact, I used to be the goddamn desk clerk at that wife-won’t-fuck-me adult hotel Midwestyankee referenced!

Sex was something to be gotten through as quickly as possible so that I could get some sleep, and if we did it, then I would think “well, good, that should hold him for at least a week or so”. It’s a long story, and feel free to PM me if you want all the gory details about how things changed and what I did to change them.

For those who are saying that you should go all head of the household on your wife, and demand sex from her because the bible says it’s her wifely duty…well, good luck with that. Sure, you could demand, in fact, even rape her and tell her that it’s your right as a husband. But is that really the kind of sex you want? You could buy one of those sex dolls for all the responsiveness you are going to get. I don’t think in the long run this will prove in any way satisfactory. It sounds to me that you want your wife to desire you as much as you desire her.

Sex starts in the head, not between the legs. So somehow, you have to figure out a way to get into her head. If the lack of sexual interest is about your marriage on a larger level, then yeah, you may need to go back and revisit where things went wrong and try to fix them. I’d consider marital counseling of some sort if there are lots of past hurts and grudges that are possibly getting in the way. Women are notorious for hanging on to stuff that you did that pissed them off from ten years ago…so you have to try and figure out how to help her let that stuff go.

I agree with midwestyankee in that I think you love your wife, and want sex with her to be as passionate and fulfilling as it was with during your experimental college days more than just wanting one night to tie her up and spank her. Again, I am not speaking from a sub/Dom sort of perspective, but as a woman who was once "that wife" in the "don't-fuck-me-hotel". I really hope you can find a way to fix your relationship and your sex life in the process.