wakingDown
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2012
- Posts
- 250
When memory fails and I am left only with instinct, senses, and emotions it is difficult to keep calm. Those are the times when my emotions run the highest. Anger becomes rage, sadness becomes black despondence, happiness becomes mania. Those are the times when the wheel house in my head feels adrift. The chartroom stands empty, and everything is just kind of going wherever it ends up, no guidance or direction. These episodes are hard to explain, but I think that they are rather revealing when it comes to observing and analyzing my mind. They lay bare many aspects of my personality that otherwise would remain wrapped in ego or self consciousness. When memory takes a powder, those considerations drop and near the end, when memory begins to come back, I have a small amount of surreal time when I have full comprehension and am frighteningly devoid of ego or personality. A time when I can see the framework of my emotional structures and the logic engines that are so carefully constructed off of them. All of it is very clear and concise, no haze or blur. Then memory finishes reinserting, and all the old character traits come crashing in, burying the structure under an ocean of self awareness and sentience.
My memory is not full, or fully functional. The warehouse has many lights that are dim, and many, many more that are broken completely, leaving great swathes of darkness where knowledge and learnt intuition used to be. Where gathered experience and the lessons it cultivated used to reside, but now is a void. Broken and inconsistent though memory may be, it still drowns the logic, emotion, instinct structures. Everyday, more of the warehouse is dim or black, and every time memory recedes it seems to stay gone a little longer, leaving me a confused, excitable, temperamental shell that acts on urges and compulsions, on instinctive reactions, instead of considered, socially acceptable-framed logic. I don't like when this happens. It frightens me and makes me sad.
My memory is not full, or fully functional. The warehouse has many lights that are dim, and many, many more that are broken completely, leaving great swathes of darkness where knowledge and learnt intuition used to be. Where gathered experience and the lessons it cultivated used to reside, but now is a void. Broken and inconsistent though memory may be, it still drowns the logic, emotion, instinct structures. Everyday, more of the warehouse is dim or black, and every time memory recedes it seems to stay gone a little longer, leaving me a confused, excitable, temperamental shell that acts on urges and compulsions, on instinctive reactions, instead of considered, socially acceptable-framed logic. I don't like when this happens. It frightens me and makes me sad.
, I am very sorry for being so AWOL. 
, if I have to write something of this kind I do it so it would make a troll cry). They say, "give us a week, we are looking into it." Hooray! I can bog off for a few days, enjoying being with my nephew, doing my marking as normal and tootling along. If the line manager foolishly attempts to contact me, I can say, "Pi$$ off, senior management are looking at you." 
chums.
