My Zombie Shelter (open to everyone)

[gearhead73]

Her reaction to the solar panels was unexpected, but wonderful. Once again I experienced the pleasure of holding her in my arms. It didn't last long, but the comfort level between us was increasing with every passing minute. She had spoken of a life here, living beyond the zombies and others around us. Could it be possible? Could we go on on for the rest of our days...together? Maybe she wasn't talking about her and I, maybe she meant the group. I couldn't believe that I was even entertaining the thought. How could this woman, this younger, strong willed, stubborn, dark haired English teacher have found that little bit of humanity that I had tried so desperately to kill?
"I suppose they could be somewhere else on the property, but it just seems weird to leave a place like this. Anyway, I can definitely make this stuff work, I will just need to find the batteries they were going to use for energy storage. Lights and hot water, wow, that could be nice."
I needed to change the subject and get my mind focused on something besides how cute Pan was when she was embarrassed. I wanted to just grab her back up and hold her next to me, but I wasn't sure her or I were ready for that.
"I wonder what they have around here?"

 

[prettyserpentine]

"Well, we will have to find out, I guess," I muttered as I absentmindedly stroked one of the horses. I leaned my head against it's neck. "We shall have to find names for you..." I smiled, closing my eyes. It was like a simpler time. I wondered if I stood there for long enough like that, would the world go back to normal. Would people stop trying to kill each other, and if we wouldn't have to be afraid of the living dead anymore. I felt a little silly for being so familiar with Randy. His loss was as fresh and harsh as mine was, but I think that is what made it easier for us to let go of what happened yesterday. I mean he'd made a joke about a night with him earlier, maybe he was trying to make me feel less awkward. It had been so long since I had to think about social etiquette. I'd always been kind of clumsy that way.

I wished Mara could have seen this. But there was literally no way I could have done anything for her. She had got bitten at kindergarten. Out of all the things we had been warned against, all the things to avoid for little kids, all the vaccinations to get, and our four year old daughter completely fractured our little family. I glanced over my shoulder, Randy was still exploring through the tools and things at the back of the barn. I pressed my face against the horse's neck and shivered a little. It nudged its head against me, maybe it heard my heart break. Animals are pretty astute, and definitely more intelligent than we give them credit for. I loved being around them, and now, I found it kind of soothing. Apollo, there's a name that would suit him. I smiled and nuzzled his neck before moving away. It was funny how such little intimacies affected me today.

"I'm just going to have a look outside," I called as I slipped through the barn doors and out into the sunshine again. There was a little paddock of goats, and a few sheep. I wondered how the hell this person had managed all this on their own. It was incredible. He must have been expecting this, or else he was one of those doomsday preppers. Joel's uncle had been like that. He had a spare room in his house stacked with tins and stored water in case we were ever nuked.

I had taken a look around the cabin last night. I reckoned it was at least four if not five thousand square feet. It had a well stocked, spacious kitchen, a large great room with a fireplace we would probably never light, two store rooms filled with stock, and four bedrooms. Not to mention the bathrooms. It was a place Joel and I never would have been able to afford. There was even a working waste drainage system. Incredible. Plenty of trees, a smallish kind of lake. I found myself thinking about how happy we could have been here. We could have had a swing under that willow tree.

I shook my head, running my hand over my hair again and banishing the thought of my little angel running around the grass here. I could almost see her. I pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes and shook my head. "No..." She was gone. You remember, don't you Pandora? How Joel's body lay there and started to stink, and you just sat beside him crying like a weakling. All the while with her scratching and gnawing on the other side of the door. Why couldn't I remember her like she had been before... Why like this? I walked out and around the back of the log cabin and leaned against it, breathing steadily as I looked at the blue mountains beyond. Trying not to think of that day. I put my hands on my knees and leaned forward, my hair flowing around me like a veil of mourning as I tried to fight the nausea. The memories of the way she had scrambled toward me after I shot her and I had run from her. That was before I figured you had to get them in the head. She just ran at me and all I wanted to do was pick her up... My legs started to shake and I tried hard to keep my breathing calm. Trying not to think about how I had picked up Joel's baseball bat and swung it at a four year old. That was it. I fell to my knees and retched, my nails digging into the oak of the back of the house. GODDAMMIT, I screamed silently to myself. Don't forget now, dear, the sound. I shook, and put my hands over my head. That crack, and the little moan. "Oh my god, what did I do..."

Why couldn't I just be glad we were alright now? Here, in a haven, there was a way we could survive. I just wanted to forget those days. I rocked a little, my stomach settling, my breathing still too fast and I tried to concentrate on where I was now instead of where I used to be. I heard the faint bleating of the goats back at the barn, and I guessed we all would end up holding on to our history. I mean, Randy had killed a person, and he was okay. God knows what Mike had done, Kristi had watched all her friends die, and I had had to kill my baby. I tossed a little gravel over the area I had deposited my coffee, and was thankful I didn't eat anything for breakfast, and I just sat there, looking out at the mountains.

 

[gearhead73]

I was looking through all of the bobbles and widgets that were stored in the various cabinets and shelving units at the back of the barn. Whoever had put all of this stuff here had definitely been a bit of a do-it-yourselfer and knew the value of investing in quality. There were lots of tools, but not the Craftsmen homeowner type of stuff. There were lots of Snap-on and Mac, and even some Matco and Cornwell as well; professional grade stuff. There were fittings and various electrical connectors along with crimpers, strippers, testers, and a whole host of other parts and pieces that gave me that old familar sense of being in a world that still made sense. This is what I would have wanted at our home given a little time and some money to make it happen. This was the epitome of a "man cave" and I was feeling right at home.
Pan announced that she was going to go look outside and for a moment I thought of following her. However when I saw the familiar look of saddness on her face, I thought it best to leave her alone for a bit. I had been hanging on to her like a lost puppy for a good while and maybe she just needed a little time to herself.
I was the opposite. Sure, I could spend time in here, messing around, with no one around, but that was the same thing in a different way. I hated the times when things were quiet and I was left with my own thoughts. That's when there was oppritunity for the memeories and fears to creep their way to the forefront of my mind. I needed someone or something to keep me occupied. Pan was more than that of course, in fact I think we were close to being friends. Yet, at times even when we were bickering or fighting, I had realized that it was nice having her there, so I didn't have to wrestle with the things that I had done or the memories of life before; I could focus my energies elsewhere.
I did wonder what Fiona would think of her though. They were a lot alike, yet there were stark differences that even when measured against the perfection that was my wife, I liked. She was tough and smart like Fiona, but there was a softeness that until recently I had always equated with weakness. Pan was gentle and thoughtful and filled with a nurturing quality that she couldn't hide even after all the fucked up things she had been through. I was glad that she had never lost that, and I sliently thanked her for deciding to stay with us. I liked Mike, and River seemed cool, but Pan...was different. She seemed to already know how to handle my mouth and attitude and had on more than one occasion matched my wit and put me in my place. Yeah, without a doubt Pan would be a keeper.
I finished up my investigation of the tools and such and after a qick review of the livestock situation, I headed back outside to continue on taking inventory of what was there.
I saw Pan sitting on the ground looking out at the landscape around us. She had this look about her, that same look we all get whenever the past comes rushing in. I thought about suggesting that we keep moving, but thought that maybe, this was her way of coping. That maybe instead of finding something to distract her, she chose to work through it.
I sat down beside her and looked out into the mountains trying think of something to make her feel better. I had never been good at that sort of thing and really what could anyone say that would ease the burden that we all carried. Instead, I put my arm around her shoulder and gave her arm a gentle squeeze. If I couldn't help maybe I could at least let her know that she wasn't alone.

 

[AmenRa]

"You know, Emily Dickinson wrote that 'Dogs are better than human beings because they know, but do not tell'." I looked back at Max and scratched him lovingly under his chin.

I returned a smile to her. This exact quote was printed on a poster that hung in the K9 Team office back at the sheriff's office. "Yeah," I answered, "and she was very right."

Max was enjoying the attention to the point where he put out a paw a few times for her to hold. I nodded my approval, more to myself than anyone else, because it meant he was accepting her as part of the pack.

Randy looked over the maps with me and concurred with my thinking of doing a supply recon and run.

"There are probably hundreds of houses outside of those towns too. Most folks head to the city looking for what they need, and totally ignore what people had in their homes. I could use and AR15 and some ammo for all of the rest. I don't know if I will be lucky enough to find something chambered in 5.56, but yours is, so that makes ammo a little bit easier to find."

"Yep," I said, nodding, "I've been reluctant to check abandoned houses as I was passing through the towns because I was worried about running in on someone who was holed up. But, now since just about everyone has probably fled out, it's a good idea to start checking them.

"We had tons of .308 and 5.56 at the sheriff's office," I continued, "I wish I could have gotten by there and hit the armory before I left, but we had to bug out in a damn hurry."

Randy said he had a map, too. "Let me go check my back pack, I have a map that I had marked as well. We can compare notes and weed out the ones we have been through."

"Hell yeah," I agreed. "We'll probably be able to narrow a search area to something not so imposing."

He left to get his maps and Pan actually stopped petting Max for a minute. The German Shepherd Dog looked at her as if she was crazy to stop the scratching and petting.

I pulled myself to my feet and dusted off my jeans. "A trip for supplies wouldn't be such a bad idea. Whoever made this place was pretty thorough from what I've seen, but we still could do with a few basic things, soap, maybe a change of clothes, medical supplies. And food. Although he does have that covered for a good few months I'd say. There's animals out back too. Chickens and the like. I'll go and see exactly what's back there. At least in the daylight it'll be easy." I flashed a friendly smile at Mike, and patted Max on the side. "Thank you, by the way, for last night. For letting me come back with you." I patted Mike once on his forearm.

"We don't leave anyone behind," I told her.

She had eyeballed the visible portion of my tattoo the could be seen below the right sleeve of my tee shirt. I smiled and turned back to my map. It's not like it was some big secret or anything, my military service. If people wanted to know about me, all they had to do was ask. I've been in the service, I've been a cop, and I've been trying to figure out why the world decided to end in the reanimation of dead people. I figured I was probably just about as fucked up as everyone else in that regard.

 

[prettyserpentine]

Sitting there beside Randy, felt nice. Knowing I wasn't alone in this helped. I looked at Randy, he was staring out at the mountains too. I turned my head forward.

"It would make you think that nothing is wrong, wouldn't it. So peaceful and quiet."

 

[gearhead73]

"Yeah, looking out there, you would never know how things have changed."
It was nice to just sit for a moment. I hadn't taken the time to even notice how beautiful the scenery really was here.
"Who know though, maybe things will reach a new normal someday."
It was a nice moment sitting with Pan. I reached over and took her hand in mine. I looked over and noticed that the breeze would make strands of her hair dance around.

 

[prettyserpentine]

I looked down at my battered shoes. "It's funny the things you miss. Silly things. Like humanity probably won't ever have the need to have dinner parties again. I always liked to cook." I smiled wistfully. "But I suppose the whole looting thing is a plus. Maybe I can finally get a motorbike, now that I can be reckless." I looked around at Randy, half squinting in the sunlight. He was looking at me.

I flushed and pulled my knees up to my chest. I'd lost weight since all this had started. I never been able to get my knees up that far. Baby weight, and all that. I squeezed his hand and then let go, linking my hands together around my shins. "I can't really understand why I don't hate you, after last night," I confessed.

 

[gearhead73]

I laughed a bit and then looked bak out into the distance.
"Which part? I kinda went off the rails there for a bit."
I looked back at her trying to decifer what she was wanting me to say. I had never been especially good at apologies, and now there seemed to be so much to say I was sorry for.
"I never meant to hurt you in the trees, honestly. The gun...that was a reflex more than anything. I just wanted to scare you, not shoot you. I know that doesn't make it right, but I'm just trying to explain it."
I looked away again trying to organize my thoughts to make them make sense when I said them.
"Then later, when you said you wanted to leave, that I should have killed you, I got so pissed. I thought how could you possibly want to die after fighting so hard to stay alive."
I sat there thinking about her hanging there. The more I thought about it the more idiotic it seemed.
"I will never hurt you Pandora. I am truly sorry for what I did. Please forgive me."
At the end of the day that's all I could so, was apologize and see what happened. I liked her, I liked her a lot, but as usual with me, I have a way acting on instinct instead of reason.
"Well, I better get these maps in there to Mike. He seems bent on doing some shopping so I need to get my head right, to go back out there."

 

[prettyserpentine]

"I forgive you, it's alright," I said meekly. He was looking out at the mountains again and then said he was going to get the maps to Mike, and get his head sorted. I had reached out a little with my hand to his, and pulled it back. He had to get ready and I was being stupid. I got the distinct impression he didn't want to stay there with me so I pulled myself up to my feet and dusted off my behind. I smiled overly bravely.

"Sure, um, just let me know what I can do, if you need anything like, a person to uh go out with." I flushed scarlet. "I didn't mean go out, as in, go out, I meant go out as in go out and uh, do recon. You know, um. I... I'll uh..." I stared at the ground and tucked my hair behind my ear again. "I'll uh... I'll just start checking through the store rooms in the house, and see what I can find." I nodded, to no one probably but myself, feeling terribly awkward. I opened my mouth and took a breath, looked at Randy, closed it again and went: "Right". Mortified. I brushed my legs off and waved awkwardly as I started to walk back past the barn to the front of the house.

 

[gearhead73]

I watched as she started toward the house. I couldn't help but smile at her awkwardness. It was cute, and endearing. Even in the middle of the end of the world, it was nice that at their core, some people relly hadn't changed that much.
"Pan! Hold on a minute!" I shouted as I took off jogging after her. I caught her just as she was reaching the house, so I jumped in front to block her way. She seemed to still be reeling from the remarks that she had made and part of me wanted to prolong that, just for a bit. However since I had just gotten back into her good graces, I decided against it.
"I just wanted to say thank you...for forgiving me. I mean what I said...I would never hurt you."
I leant forward and kissed her gently on the cheek. I pushed an errant strand of her hair behind her ear and smiled. I turned to head back into the house, but before I reached the door i stopped and turned.
"Oh, and I would love to go out with you sometime...you know to do recon and what not."
I winked and headed through the doorway toward the kitchen.

 

[prettyserpentine]

I twisted the bottom of my tee shirt and sighed, walking past the kitchen door and around to the front, in through the front main door and into the great room. I took the stairs to the upper level two at a time and wandered around the bedrooms. They were basic enough. Each one had a decent king bed, folded army cots against the walls and plenty of blankets. I passed the bathrooms, there were two of them. One even had a tub. I couldn't remember the last time I had a bath. I wandered to one of the bedrooms facing the front of the house and stood at the window, looking out at the front of the compound. Mike's tent was pitched quite comfortably. The watchtower where we had slept looked out across the front gate, and beyond, to what I could only imagine we're the surrounding forest and the clearing we had all met the previous evening.

I folded my arms and saw something out of the corner of my eye that made me jump. Movement. I shot my eyes sideways and immediately recoiled. It was a mirror. And the me in it did certainly not look like old me. I looked at myself. I must have lost a good few pounds. More than that. I put my hands on my hips, they were still pretty curvy. My tummy was a good bit flatter. My bust was still the same. I smiled and looked at my face, and the smile fled. My busted nose. I ran my fingers over it. I had shadows under my eyes, and they looked so much sadder than I ever remember. And my hair, it had grown almost a foot since the last time I had seen myself. My lip was bust and I was still as pale as ever. I sighed at myself and imagined Joel standing behind me. But this wasn't our bedroom.

I reached up and touched my face where Randy had kissed me.

 

[gearhead73]

I walked into the kitchen and layed the maps that I had along side of Mike's. It was easy to see from the start that I had taken a more haphazardly path to where we are no than he had. Then again, I'm a mechanic, not a navigator and whileI can read a map, it wasn't so much about plotting a course, it was more about trying to avoided areas that I thought would be populated.
After a bit of comparison though,it seemed to me that further westward toward the coast hadn't been touched by either one of us. There was no telling which direction Pan and River had come from, but they had both been traveling pretty light. We were going to need more guns definitley. River had a sidearm and her sword, but at any distance, but at a distance, both of those were useless. Pan had her 'Devil Bat', but she had shown a bit of kill using Mike's M4, so setting her up witha pistol and rifle should be a priority.
For me, I have always believed in "Peace Through Superior Firepower", so I am for going to be picking up any weapon I can get my hand on as well as all the ammo we can haul. A sporting goods store would be optimum, but there was a chance that those would have been raided first. The mom and pop places might still be intact though, so maybe finding a phone book could give us some ideas on where they might be located.
'Damn, too bad we can't just Google it.' I thought as I continued to pour over the road and topographical maps we had of the surrounding areas.
Another part of my mind was on Pan. She hadn't really reacted when I kissed her, which I couldn't understand. I think there was a part of her that liked me, but then again, how was I to know. I had half expected her to punch me, but I was ready for it. After the shit I had pulled with her I couldn't have blamed her.
We were compiling the list of places we should go first when Pan strolled through the kitchen, stopping to scratch Max, before walking out without so much as a word.
"I should see if Pan can tell us any of the places she has been, then we can mark them too."

 

[prettyserpentine]

I stood chewing on my nails and looking out the window. I hadn't seen Kristi in a while. I assumed she just wanted to be left alone. I knew how she felt, but now that there were other survivors, we had to make the effort to keep going, no matter how hard it was. I turned and walked out of the room, and back down the stairs into the great room. We had really struck it lucky, I thought as I looked over the books on the mantelpiece.

I untangled my hair from the knot and let it hang loose over my back, and then stood up on my tiptoes to lift down a pretty extensive survivalist's manual. I skimmed the back and then set it back up before heading down the little hallway off the great room towards the two store rooms. I pulled back the sliding door and stood in the room. Water, cans of fruit, tinned fish, peas, beans, soup. It was a survivalists heaven. Dried fruits and other provisions hung there. Some tinned meats and stuff too. I shut the door and found the same in the other room too. Vats of coffee and sugar, tea and even a few bottles of alcohol. We could use those medicinally. Even though I spotted a bottle of Californian red and just wanted to pour myself a glass and head for the tub upstairs.

I went into the kitchen and silently moved past the map-reading convention, scratching Max on the head and lifting the little pink backpack. The dog looked at me with it's big innocent eyes and I smiled at him, hiking the bag over my shoulder and tossing it on a chair before heading back out to the watch tower.

I climbed up to the top, taking a moment when I reached it to wince and grumble about the pain in my healing back. I threw my legs over the edge and sat there, my eyes trained on the forest ahead for any prospective walkers. Or better yet, survivors. I rested my head on the post beside me, wrapped my arm around it and dangled my legs.

 

[gearhead73]

I walked outside and started back toward the out buildings where the animals were kept to see if I could find Pan. She seemed to have a thing for them, so I thought that might be where she would head. I didn't find here there or by the tree where we had sat earlier. I had started to wonder if she had decided to leave again, but then I remembered the guard tower.
I climbed the stairway and saw her sitting on one of the short walls with her head leaned against the corner post.
I walked up behind her and put my hands on her shoulders. I guessed I was taking some liberties with all of the physical contact, but it just felt nice. The closer we got and the more we touched, the more I like it. I hadn't thought I could ever care about anyone ever again, but here, in Jerkwater, Washington, I managed to find someone with the same emotional scars as I had. I guess birds of a feather do flock together.
"See anything of interest?" I asked not quite sure what the greeting was for interrupting someone when they might have wanted to be alone.

 

[prettyserpentine]

I felt hands on my shoulders before I heard a sound, I must have drifted off. My kill or be killed instinct took over and I swept around with my right elbow aimed for the offender's body, connecting with his torso with a crack.

Of course, he spoke just too late.

"Dammit Randy, don't sneak up on a girl like that! Christ, I could have killed you if I'd had a weapon..." I looked at him apologetically as I moved away a little, expecting the man I met last night to appear, I stood defensively, my hands raised and balled into fists.

 

[gearhead73]

I stood there doubled over trying to catch my breath. Her elbow had caught me right at the bottom of the sternum and pushed all of the air right out of me. As I knelt there, trying to get my lungs working again, I could hear her yelling at me. 'That's the Pan I know' I thought as I started to breath normally and was able to stand.
She was standing there, fists balled up, arms bent like a scene out of a western when two men were gonna "square off". Two thoughts struck me, one she looked ridiculous, and two, if I wanted to hurt her, I'd shoot her. I hobbled over to the edge and leaned against the wall as I continued to catch my breath.
"Nice one, but next time try to add some hip to it, that will give you a little more power."

 

[prettyserpentine]

I folded my arms. "Well, my shitty fighting skills have served me to survive so far. Against the undead," I hastened to add as he'd pretty much kicked my ass last night. I shivered as I thought, if he'd been a walker, his teeth would have been in my neck already. And then I thought about Randy's teeth and I flushed a little. I backed up to the other post and leaned against it, crossing my legs at the ankle. I kind of wanted to check he was alright, but if there was any time he'd hit me back, it'd be now.

I blinked at him and bit my lip.

 

[gearhead73]

"Well, my shitty fighting skills have served me to survive so far. Against the undead," she hissed and then went to a corner adjacent to me.
I put my hands up palms toward her, "Yo, let's ratchet it down a notch. I wasn't criticizing, just offering a suggestion. You did the right thing, I'm just glad there wasn't a tree here or you might try to get some payback."
I put on my best smile, but in truth my stomach still hurt a bit. I took a few cleansing breaths and looked out at the scenery. It was actually amazing that no matter what goes on in the world, there is still beauty to be found. To look out now, one would never know what could lay beyond those trees. I looked back at Pan. She seemed on edge, like she was ready for a fight. I didn't think I had come off that way but I guess my track record wasn't stellar at this point. I decided to slide down and sit on the floor. She would have advantage over me and maybe she could chill out a bit.

 

[prettyserpentine]

I exhaled slowly. It was relaxing as I turned to look out. He was looking out. I'd pissed him off, and I thought it had been going kind of well. I guess I'd never been the social butterfly and now, after months alone, it was even worse. I frowned at myself. "I thought you and Mike were busy? I didn't want to get in the way." I looked down at my hands and wrung them a little. I was nervous, I couldn't understand why.

 

[gearhead73]

I started to get up but my gut still ached a bit so I decided against it.
"Pan, you are never in the way. You are part of the group...and equal part, don't be afraid to interject. If I have learned anything from you in the last two days, is that sometimes another point of view can help you see things a little more clearly. And maybe...my way...isn't the only way."
I took a deep breath and gritted my teeth as I made my way to my feet.
"You are always welcome wherever I am."

 

[prettyserpentine]

I watched him climb to his feet with a little grumble and I felt bad. I scooted forward and jumped up, moving towards him. His hand was shielding his stomach, I'd hurt him. I looked up into his eyes, and put my hand over his. He was warm.

"That's nice of you to say..." I blushed. My hands were cold. Like always. "I guess I'm almost as bad at the social thing as you are." I looked up at him a little pleadingly. "Although you did sneak up on me..."

 

[gearhead73]

"I did, and I should know better..." I said smiling. "I guess I'm lucky you didn't have that fuckin bat of yours. You may have ruined the part in my hair."
I run my fingers through the tangled mop on my head. 'God I have let myself go' I thought as I put on a show of primping. Her hand felt good on mine and I opened my fingers letting hers fall between them lacing our hand together.
"And what do you mean I'm bad at the social thing?" I said in mock anger. "I thought we were getting along like peas and carrots."

 

[prettyserpentine]

I breathed a laugh and shook my head. "Peas don't try and assault carrots, Randy." I flushed again as his fingers intertwined with mine. It felt different. Not necessarily bad, but it kind of made my stomach flip over. I stiffened a little, and pulled my hand away. 'He'll think you're a tease,' I thought and I frowned a little. I just looked up at him, and when I spoke my voice sounded a little lost. "Randy, I don't really know what I'm doing... This is confusing. One minute you're trying to kill me and less than a day later you're being all nice, and I don't know if it's to fool me into a false sense of security so I'm easier to kill, or what it is... Maybe just my own paranoia." I was running off in the mouth again.

I shivered a little. "It's been an awful long time since I talked to somebody, never mind even being around another regular person. It's a little difficult." I was trying to look at him, but I kept finding myself taking an unnatural interest in the floor.

 

[gearhead73]

She seemed to be obsessed with the fact that I had tried to kill her. Honestly, as much as I liked her, I was becoming a tad annoyed. How many times can guy try to make it up to someone. I had tried being decent, but that didn't seem to be working, so maybe it was time for the direct approach.
"Just for clarification, when we set out last evening, we were heading to get Mike's car. I didn't plan on killing anyone, and I still don't. I know we don't know each other, I get that. If I have put forth the feeling that I have 'expectations', I'm sorry, cause I don't. Do I like you? Yes. Do I want to get to know you better? Yes..."
With a practiced motion I retrieved my Kimber from the holster and racked the slide. I grabbed her hand and with a practiced flip, set the grip in her hand. I pulled her wrist up until the barrel was set squarely against my temple.
"But if you still think that I have any desire to hurt you, then pull the trigger. I may be a lot of things, but I ain't no killer. The things I've done, I've done to stay alive except for a score that I needed to settle..."
I took a step forward, keeping my pistol and her hand firmly in place.
"And I have to live with that for the rest of my miserable life. I am not proud of the things that I have done, but there aren't too many I wouldn't do again. If you think that I am some kind of monster, then here's you chance to put me down. I won't give you another."

 

[prettyserpentine]

I had always hated guns. But the feel of the cold steel in my hand made me feel strangely powerful. I stood there for a minute, with the gun pressed against his head and I thought how easy it is to take a life. This would have been the view that Joel had when he told me to close my eyes. I lowered the gun, and crouched down, and set it on the floor. When I stood up, Randy was looking at me coldly. I put my hands on either side of his face and looked at him sternly.

"We are all monsters now, Randy. We just have a little spark of humanity left that the lifeless ones don't. We aren't so different. They kill to survive, just like we do. I'm a monster. I killed my baby girl. Do I deserve to die?" I hoped he wouldn't answers because I knew what answer I would give, as I stood there and looked at his stubbly face, his messy hair. He was tortured. We both were.