Tales from the Bad Girl Bar

[LWulf]

I wasn't aware there was a "critique area" in addition to the "feedback area." I apologize for the analytical format, if there is another format accepted here, I haven't seen it being mentioned.

In addition to what I stated below, please note I broke the "fourth wall" and knowingly have a paragraph of "stream of consciousness." If you aren't aware of what a stream of consciousness is, please look it up on wikipedia before you say "you have a paragraph without any punctuation or proper sentence structure!"

Also note: while I have the tag "incest", that, as a whole, the story is, for the most part, non-sexual. Besides a blowjob outside of the "incest" segment of the story, there is NO penetrative sexual instances. The incest segment of the story is an acted part of a Play, within a strip bar. So, does a bare bottom spanking from someone pretending to be your parents constitute "incest"? meh.

Originally, the story was intended to be submitted to a website that had clauses that any BDSM story could NOT have sex depicted in it. This is a U.S. LAW that governs pornographic movies and some websites decided to extended that to stories as well, especially if they dealt with purchasable movies AND posted free stories.
The website closed and instead of rewriting the whole story, I just accepted I was going to introduce sex into the next chapter.

Title: Tales from The Bad Girl Bar - Chapter 1
Author: LWulf
Editor: YDB95 (note: additional self-editing was done after the fact)
Category: BDSM
Description: Family Values - Lashley auditions & Summer's 1st time on stage
Word Count: 12,373
Type of Critique Wanted: Any constructive feedback
Story tags:

• Comedy/Serious
• Non-Consent (light)
• Bondage
• Spanking
• BDSM
• M/f
• F/f
  ...........
• A play within a strip club (which consists of: )
• Mother (acted)
• Father (acted)
• Incest (acted - Domestic Discipline (non-sexual))
• Exhibitionism/voyeurism
• First time
  ...........
• Oral sex (suggested)
• Older man/younger woman

Accompanying Illustrations:
Outside The Bad Girl Bar - Scene 1
Tales from The Bad Girl Bar - Scene 4

 

[soflabbwlvr]

LWulf--I finished reading your story, and I will provide a more thorough response as soon as I have some time to write, which should be within the next day or two. I did want to say a few things that were less about your story and more about the SDC in general. First, it has been many months since this forum has operated the way it was intended, that is, with an author initiating a discussion about a story and readers giving detailed feedback. Thank you for your submission. I hope others will follow your lead and contribute to this discussion as well as initiate more such discussions once this thread has run it course.

Second, the general practice when this board is operating correctly is that authors direct the conversation by tossing out some questions they feel will generate useful responses. Many often close with a request for "any and all other comments," but only after first posing some pointed questions. This isn't intended as a criticism of you or your thread, but merely a point of information in the hope that this forum returns to its former glory. In any event, I will be working on my critique and I hope to post it within 24-48 hours. Thank you once again for submitting your story for discussion.

 

[LWulf]

Wow! A comment! Cool.

Well, generally, I like to use a thread or area as it was intended. There are plenty of other threads to get social. It's not like there is any shortage of them, so then why make waves, right? *shrug*

I appreciate you taking time out to write out the commentary and will wait anxiously to hear your thoughts.
Cheers.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

LWulf, let me first thank you once again for giving this forum something to do other than ask for the whereabouts of a story read many years ago, possibly on this site or elsewhere. It has been a long time.

Second, I want to state my biases and prejudices up front so that you can attach whatever weight you deem appropriate to what follows. I'm not a big fan of BDSM. I don't practice it, I don't read stories about it on Lit., and I'm really not that curious about the lifestyle. I have attended parties and clubs, but that was many years ago. I was not impressed--mostly poseurs dabbling in something they were not committed to.

Turning to your story, I mentioned previously that you did not provide any questions to focus the discussion, but instead asked for any and all helpful comments. I'm not sure how helpful my comments may be, but I will provide them in the general format I follow when beta reading a story for another author.

I am not a fan of lengthy disclaimers at the front of a story listing what is contained and what is omitted from a story. In most cases I can glean this information from the title, the tag line, and the tags. There are cases, however, where this is helpful. One such case is when the author is warning me not to expect much actual sex in a story. I thank you up front for that warning, as I would have been otherwise disappointed to read 4 Lit. pages without a pay off. For some people that isn't an issue, but I prefer to know in advance when there is limited sexual content. Often I will skip such stories, or put off reading them until more chapters are up. Bottom line--the disclaimer was overly broad, but it contained the information I needed.

There is no shortage of Lit. stories set in a strip club or other type of sex club, so I wasn't really expecting anything new or unique in this instance. I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't so much the activity that took place inside the club that was unique, but the thoroughness with which you presented the play. The script could have used a little tweaking, but overall it was a new and interesting device.

I have to question the placement of this story in the BDSM category. I don't read many stories with that subject matter, but most involve more than spanking as performance art. I don't know if the BDSM crowd will be offended by the "light" content, or if another category might have been more appropriate. Fetish? I really don't know, and perhaps another reader of those genres will provide some enlightenment. In many places BDSM and Fetish are combined, so I'm not sure where the exact division between the two occurs.

That being said, there were nonetheless a number of problems with the story. The first thing that leaped out at me was inconsistent tenses. You started out in present tense, switched to past tense halfway down page 1, and then reverted to present tense on page 2 through the end of the story. I'm not sure why you used present tense--most literature is written in past tense--I suspect it may have been due to the heavy use of the script in the last two pages. (I'm currently writing a heavily scripted story, and I found myself writing it in present tense. Not yet sure if it will stay that way in the final draft). The error here is not the unusual use of present tense, but the switching between the two. Next time pick one and stick with it.

Another problem I had was after finishing the chapter, I still didn't know who are the main characters or the main conflict. At first I thought it would be Mike and possibly his friends, but they quickly receded to the background. Next up I thought Emily, but she disappeared after page 2. Summer? Reg? I don't know. Do you? This structure is Ok if you are going to write an anthology of separate but related stories, but right now I don't know if that is your intention. You have to give your readers a clue. If it isn't your intention, then I need to know whose story is being told. At this moment I'm just confused.

Your dialogue could use a little work. It doesn't snap. Part of the problem is that you try too hard to give the girls accents. When I read one character saying "goil" I cringed. Is this a 1930s gangster movie? Real people don't talk like that.

I also had a problem with the "faux girls." My first issue was with the way they were introduced. The reference to "recent studies" was just clunky. What do those studies say about the health risks of successive men ejaculating into fake vaginas? Who couldn't tell the difference between a real woman and a plastic facsimile? Do you have any idea how hot the lit end of a cigar would be? That scene did a good job of showing Vinnie's character, but it exceeded my tolerance for unbelievability. I would have left that out.

On the other hand, I liked the spanking turnstile. Your description could have been a little better, but the device was brilliant.

The best scene, by far, was the play that comprised the second half of the story. Like I said, the script could have been a little more imaginative, but the concept was sound and you succeeded in giving me something new. This was also the point of the story where you finally gave us descriptions of the characters. I was surprised that Emily turned out to be blonde. Up until that point I had to supply my own idea of what they looked like, making it a little difficult to tell them apart. I'm not saying that you need to give us a BOLO account for every character, but a few distinguishing features goes a long way toward keeping them separate in my head.

Tara was the closest to my "type", but Emily was, for me, the most interesting character. I was disappointed that I did not get to see more of her. I hope the story coalesces around her. If not, I would consider that a lost opportunity.

This, however, takes me back to my biggest problem. I don't know who this story is supposed to be about. If it is supposed to be an anthology with an ensemble cast, then that is going to be difficult to pull off. Good luck.

This story has potential, but it needs focus. It has a very low score so far, and I'm wondering if that is because it could be in the wrong category. It is much better than the score would indicate.

 

[LWulf]

Okay, wow, that was a buckshot load! Well done!

Second, I want to state my biases and prejudices up front so that you can attach whatever weight you deem appropriate to what follows. I'm not a big fan of BDSM. I don't practice it, I don't read stories about it on Lit., and I'm really not that curious about the lifestyle. I have attended parties and clubs, but that was many years ago. I was not impressed--mostly poseurs dabbling in something they were not committed to.

I appreciate your determination to continue reading it in spite of it not being your scope of interests. *nods in thanks*

you did not provide any questions to focus the discussion, but instead asked for any and all helpful comments. I'm not sure how helpful my comments may be, but I will provide them in the general format I follow when beta reading a story for another author.

I was thinking about what sort of question I could ask, but based on my lack of writing background, I couldn't think of framing a proper question. I'll have to think about this some before submitting another request for a critique.

I am not a fan of lengthy disclaimers at the front of a story ... There are cases, however, where this is helpful. One such case is when the author is warning me not to expect much actual sex in a story... Bottom line--the disclaimer was overly broad, but it contained the information I needed.

Believe it or not, neither am I, but I knew the non-sexual was important. Also, I DO always post the obligatory "not for kids" and "no one under 18" disclaimers. Then I felt anybody contributing to the story needed to be noted... So, in the end, I felt "in for a penny, in for a pound." *shrug* Not saying that's a good excuse, just stating how I got there...

...I wasn't really expecting anything new or unique in this instance. I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't so much the activity that took place inside the club that was unique, but the thoroughness with which you presented the play. The script could have used a little tweaking, but overall it was a new and interesting device.

I always try to make some "hook" in the story that makes it fresh or interesting in some way...

I have to question the placement of this story in the BDSM category...

I have to admit, this was a mistake that happened in the 11th hour. I hadn't figured out "how to" make a chapter. So I put it originally into the "Chain Story" category. Needless to say, 3 days later, and getting some interested parties who kept asking when the story would be out, I get a "failed to post re: category". It was nearly midnight, I was tired, wah wah wah... I dumped it quickly into BDSM. It was remarked by a few people that I should have posted to "fetish". *shrug* It was a mistake.

That being said, there were nonetheless a number of problems with the story. The first thing that leaped out at me was inconsistent tenses ... The error here is not the unusual use of present tense, but the switching between the two. Next time pick one and stick with it.

Agreed, and maybe you will now understand why I said my editor was whisked away to an insane asylum for a nervous breakdown! heh

Humor aside, I tried to follow his numerous changes like that and felt I needed to explain, in that lengthy disclaimer, that I DID use an editor, but anything not picked up is likely my fault.
He, like others before, described that anything in past tense tends to read like a pages from a diary. *shrug* I tried to do it in a humorous left handed way.

Another problem I had was after finishing the chapter, I still didn't know who are the main characters or the main conflict. At first I thought it would be Mike and possibly his friends, but they quickly receded to the background. Next up I thought Emily, but she disappeared after page 2. Summer? Reg? ... This structure is Ok if you are going to write an anthology of separate but related stories, but right now I don't know if that is your intention. You have to give your readers a clue.

This is an excellent point. I sort of addressed this in my profile, but that doesn't help my stories, does it? Even then, I'm not sure the answer is "proper" in it's context.

The best answer I can offer is that the main character is "The Bad Girl Bar," if that answer doesn't satisfy, then saying it is an anthology is probably the closest that might apply. Did you ever watch Babylon 5? If not, they would bring in a couple of characters and follow them around. Then bring in some more characters and follow them around, sometimes you would follow around someone new, or you would follow around someone "secondary".

For the point being, all characters listed are the main characters. Save perhaps the "Vinnie and the those girls. They are tertiary characters, much like the bartenders, and while they will pop up from time to time, their parts are bit parts only.

This might be an utter crap idea, but I want to play with it and see where it leads...

Your dialogue could use a little work. It doesn't snap. Part of the problem is that you try too hard to give the girls accents. When I read one character saying "goil" I cringed. Is this a 1930s gangster movie? Real people don't talk like that.

"goil" ROFLMAO *wiping tears from my eyes* Ahem... yes, okay. Let's temper things a bit. Accents are a bit of a big thing to me. Some people really don't notice them, I do. I've lived in over 65 different places in this great country (U.S.) and traveled to 15 countries. One of the main places I lived was New York. It is quite common to hear Jamaican accents, southern accents, Brooklyn accents (born 'dere) among many many others.

I look at language as being a hot dog. Accents are the relish and chili and cheese and ketchup and, and, and, all that stuff there. When I see "monotone" text, I tend to think "real people don't talk like that." *shrug* Some people think pointing out lingual differences is racist or some other "-ist", I LOVE them! It's the differences that make people interesting. *shrug*
Okay, it's fair to say I was pushing it with "goil" (LMAO) but tell me, when you saw it, didn't you instantly have an image of what she looked like in your mind, or is that just me? (Emaciated thin, short pixie haircut, beauty mark on her face...)

I also had a problem with the "faux girls." My first issue was with the way they were introduced. The reference to "recent studies" was just clunky. What do those studies say about the health risks of successive men ejaculating into fake vaginas? Who couldn't tell the difference between a real woman and a plastic facsimile? Do you have any idea how hot the lit end of a cigar would be? That scene did a good job of showing Vinnie's character, but it exceeded my tolerance for unbelievability. I would have left that out.

This really should be divided into two separate answers but I'll try to roll it into one... I realized I was "jumping the shark" with the whole "faux girls" concept. In a dark hallway, would you realize that some part bodies made of synthetic rubber or were they real bodies??? True, the whole "sloppy seconds" concept would, I think put off most guys into trying them out. As for the cigar scene, I thought I had spelled that out well enough, but understand, it was, basically, a hot foot. Yes, it is something that would burn quite literally and not in a funny way. Yet I DID put in that lengthy disclaimer that it was "campy"...

As to "clunky", I, the writer, was monologuing. Don't most monologues come across as clunky inserts into a story??? "disclaimer: campy" SO campy, in fact, that one of the characters broke the fourth wall getting bored while I prattled on.

On the other hand, I liked the spanking turnstile. Your description could have been a little better, but the device was brilliant.

As to my description, I concede my ability lacks. I can only work on it to polish it up a bit (make that "a lot" (we're talking "HUGE")). Thanks for liking the turnstiles!
To explain something, I have the entire bar drawn up in 3D, with "working" (IOW "very detailed") models. If it wasn't for my lacking ability to draw characters quicker, I would have made this an illustrated story!

The best scene, by far, was the play that comprised the second half of the story. Like I said, the script could have been a little more imaginative, but the concept was sound and you succeeded in giving me something new. This was also the point of the story where you finally gave us descriptions of the characters. I was surprised that Emily turned out to be blonde. Up until that point I had to supply my own idea of what they looked like, making it a little difficult to tell them apart.

Okay, let me give an insight into how the story was created, which might help...

Originally, the play was written when I was younger, *ahem* MUCH younger. Therefore it was "creative" but simplistic in script. It was actually far simpler to be honest. It was just the very base dialog and focused more on the drama of lights and shadows and the "crowd surfing."

Then, one night, I had a dream, much like all other stories I write (not much published anywhere, yet). In the dream, I floated along following first one group before moving to another, like a baton in a relay race. When I awoke, I wrote the Bad Girl Bar, BUT it had a play in it which, frankly, stank like stuff on ice! Then I recalled the play I had written when I was younger and did some doctoring...

Okay, so my "doctoring" skills makes me come across more like Dr. Frankenstein, instead of Hemingway. *shrug* I can only work at it...

Part of it seemed to me to be part dime store gumshoe detective novel, which in my mind, always starts out with "the unfavorable way to start out" with "It". e.g. "It was a murky night. The kind of night that...." etc. I tended to describe the interior with "reds" and "diamond tucked this or that" which one, I guess what you'd call a "beta reader" who said it reminded her of an old french bordello, which is similar to the "feel" I was shooting for.

The story concept was supposed to be:
Main part - exposition/introduction (Mike/Wendy)
bit part between (Vinnie)
Main story - action ( Emily/Lashley)
bit part between - build-up (Chloe/Tanya/Lashley)
Final main part - peak action (Summer's Play)

I like that "motif" or "meter" and want to explore that in future chapters, Kind of like Voltron, He-man, The Incredible Hulk, or Airwolf. You knew how many times the action would play out before the show ever started.

Tara was the closest to my "type", but Emily was, for me, the most interesting character. I was disappointed that I did not get to see more of her. I hope the story coalesces around her. If not, I would consider that a lost opportunity.

I try to put a "type" in there for everyone. *shrug*
I DO tend to skirt the line of telling too much and not telling enough, I mean, I want everyone to keep coming back for more!!
So I will neither confirm nor deny the possibility that Emily (AKA Lashley) will have a larger role in future chapters.

...maybe that is the wrong way for me to be or that I need to adjust the location of that "line" a bit... IDK

This, however, takes me back to my biggest problem. I don't know who this story is supposed to be about. If it is supposed to be an anthology with an ensemble cast, then that is going to be difficult to pull off. Good luck.

I DO tend to aim ambitiously and high! *nods* Thanks, I think I'm going to need it!

This story has potential, but it needs focus. It has a very low score so far, and I'm wondering if that is because it could be in the wrong category. It is much better than the score would indicate.

I think some people were voting based on there being no sex.

In summation, I probably shouldn't have tried to "trim the back-story" so much and let the story write out as long as it needed to. I was trying to stick to an internal gauge on how fast a "tempo" I should stick to. I had done much the same thing for my first story posted here. As one common-tater here said, I trimmed off "too much appetizer and even some off the main course!"

I'll try to make the next chapter, better! Thanks for your well written critique. It was very well thought out and well worded!

Sadly this has really wiped me out today... Thanks again for taking the time out to critique my story. It was very informative!

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I'm pleased that you were able to accept my points in the spirit they were intended, that is to offer suggestions for improvement and not to belittle you or your skills. I don't hold myself out as any kind of expert--I'm just another amateur writing for fun. In any event, submitting a story to the SDC can be a traumatic experience, especially for someone unfamiliar with the ordinary function of this forum. I had hoped that by now others would have added their comments--not to gang up on you, but to give you a wider range of opinions to consider. Sadly, this forum is no longer what it once was.

Okay, wow, that was a buckshot load! Well done!


I appreciate your determination to continue reading it in spite of it not being your scope of interests. *nods in thanks*

No problem. It was a pleasurable read.

I was thinking about what sort of question I could ask, but based on my lack of writing background, I couldn't think of framing a proper question. I'll have to think about this some before submitting another request for a critique.

It's entirely up to you. If you dig down several pages you will find older discussions with good examples of the type of questions that other authors have asked.

I have to admit, this was a mistake that happened in the 11th hour. I hadn't figured out "how to" make a chapter. So I put it originally into the "Chain Story" category. Needless to say, 3 days later, and getting some interested parties who kept asking when the story would be out, I get a "failed to post re: category". It was nearly midnight, I was tired, wah wah wah... I dumped it quickly into BDSM. It was remarked by a few people that I should have posted to "fetish". *shrug* It was a mistake.

I made that mistake before. In my case it was a keyboard glitch that changed my selection. I've learned to proof read the submissions page before submitting.

This is an excellent point. I sort of addressed this in my profile, but that doesn't help my stories, does it? Even then, I'm not sure the answer is "proper" in it's context.

The best answer I can offer is that the main character is "The Bad Girl Bar," if that answer doesn't satisfy, then saying it is an anthology is probably the closest that might apply. Did you ever watch Babylon 5? If not, they would bring in a couple of characters and follow them around. Then bring in some more characters and follow them around, sometimes you would follow around someone new, or you would follow around someone "secondary".

For the point being, all characters listed are the main characters. Save perhaps the "Vinnie and the those girls. They are tertiary characters, much like the bartenders, and while they will pop up from time to time, their parts are bit parts only.

This might be an utter crap idea, but I want to play with it and see where it leads...

It's a concept that can work, if you stick with it. Ensemble stories work well on TV, and there's no reason that a Lit. story can't function the same way. Just find a way to let the audience know that's how it is going to play out.

"goil" ROFLMAO *wiping tears from my eyes* Ahem... yes, okay. Let's temper things a bit. Accents are a bit of a big thing to me. Some people really don't notice them, I do. I've lived in over 65 different places in this great country (U.S.) and traveled to 15 countries. One of the main places I lived was New York. It is quite common to hear Jamaican accents, southern accents, Brooklyn accents (born 'dere) among many many others.

I look at language as being a hot dog. Accents are the relish and chili and cheese and ketchup and, and, and, all that stuff there. When I see "monotone" text, I tend to think "real people don't talk like that." *shrug* Some people think pointing out lingual differences is racist or some other "-ist", I LOVE them! It's the differences that make people interesting. *shrug*
Okay, it's fair to say I was pushing it with "goil" (LMAO) but tell me, when you saw it, didn't you instantly have an image of what she looked like in your mind, or is that just me? (Emaciated thin, short pixie haircut, beauty mark on her face...)

I agree with your analysis. I at times struggle with making my black and latin characters stand out from one another, and the use of accents is one device I use. I just felt that you pushed the concept a little too far in the first half of the story.

As to my description, I concede my ability lacks. I can only work on it to polish it up a bit (make that "a lot" (we're talking "HUGE")). Thanks for liking the turnstiles!
To explain something, I have the entire bar drawn up in 3D, with "working" (IOW "very detailed") models. If it wasn't for my lacking ability to draw characters quicker, I would have made this an illustrated story!

That would have been ambitious. I suspect, however, it would have decreased the views. I'm not sure that illustrated is a popular category on this site.

Part of it seemed to me to be part dime store gumshoe detective novel, which in my mind, always starts out with "the unfavorable way to start out" with "It". e.g. "It was a murky night. The kind of night that...." etc. I tended to describe the interior with "reds" and "diamond tucked this or that" which one, I guess what you'd call a "beta reader" who said it reminded her of an old french bordello, which is similar to the "feel" I was shooting for.

The story concept was supposed to be:
Main part - exposition/introduction (Mike/Wendy)
bit part between (Vinnie)
Main story - action ( Emily/Lashley)
bit part between - build-up (Chloe/Tanya/Lashley)
Final main part - peak action (Summer's Play)

I like that "motif" or "meter" and want to explore that in future chapters, Kind of like Voltron, He-man, The Incredible Hulk, or Airwolf. You knew how many times the action would play out before the show ever started.

For me, the problem was that there was not enough of the main story to go along with the other bits. Maybe if you had introduced Emily earlier and perhaps finished with her talking to Summer after the play, then you would have had a better balance.

I try to put a "type" in there for everyone. *shrug*
I DO tend to skirt the line of telling too much and not telling enough, I mean, I want everyone to keep coming back for more!!

This is a matter where there is a difference of opinion. Some authors believe no description is best, so that the reader can impose his own fantasy and become a participant in the story, more or less. Others like highly detailed descriptions. I like to paint a picture for the reader, but I try to paint in fairly broad strokes rather than fine detail. Much of my writing, however, is directed toward a particular niche audience who share my tastes. Other authors here--some with a much larger readership--feel that hair color, height, weight, etc. are unnecessary details that clutter the story.

So I will neither confirm nor deny the possibility that Emily (AKA Lashley) will have a larger role in future chapters.

...maybe that is the wrong way for me to be or that I need to adjust the location of that "line" a bit... IDK



I DO tend to aim ambitiously and high! *nods* Thanks, I think I'm going to need it!



I think some people were voting based on there being no sex.

Good point. I excused that omission, but others may not have been so forgiving.

In summation, I probably shouldn't have tried to "trim the back-story" so much and let the story write out as long as it needed to. I was trying to stick to an internal gauge on how fast a "tempo" I should stick to. I had done much the same thing for my first story posted here. As one common-tater here said, I trimmed off "too much appetizer and even some off the main course!"

I'll try to make the next chapter, better! Thanks for your well written critique. It was very well thought out and well worded!

Sadly this has really wiped me out today... Thanks again for taking the time out to critique my story. It was very informative!

You are quite welcome. And keep writing--you have a skill that just needs more practice.

 

[Flowsnake]

Caveats: First time poster, amateur, non-BDSM lover, with no idea what distinguishes the SDC from the feedback forum. ( Hi everybody! )

soflabbwlvr has articulated many points that I agree with. Lets get the major complaints out of the way first. Changing tenses is a problem. Stick to past tense and stay in that lane for the whole ride.

Grammatically, my biggest beef was comma usage. Here is a good example:

"Meanwhile, in the next area, before the three young men go through the turnstile, Vinnie, an olive skinned barrel-chested bouncer, standing proudly in his doorman suit and slicked back hair, smokes on a fat smoldering cigar. "

That is a run on sentence. It isn't even punctuated correctly, which would read like this (and still be a bad idea):

"Meanwhile, in the next area, before the three young men go through the turnstile, Vinnie, an olive-skinned, barrel-chested bouncer standing proudly in his doorman suit and slicked back hair, smokes on a fat smoldering cigar."

Break that shit up! Something like:

"Vinnie the doorman scrutinized the three men as they moved through the turnstile. His Middle-Eastern features and slicked-back hair were barely discernable behind the smouldering embers of his fat cigar. The three would reach him in a few moments and Vinnie had to be ready. He thrust out his barrel chest and looked at the gals next to him."

This breaks up the sentence, gets similar details across, but more naturally. In many cases throughout you throw descriptions on like facebook tags:

Rich [TAG] a tall lanky blonde dude[/TAG]

Now onto the actual story. I think it has a ways to go, but I see a lot of promise here. You frequently conjure up a vibe which is surrealistic, cheerful, and sinister. Art deco-meets-Pigalle. You have themes of pay-it-forward, innocence vs experience, faux-aggression, and fraternity among coworkers. Those themes could be intensified. You seem to want the reader to discover the audacious wonders of the BGB along with some of the characters. That is indeed a good idea.

Most of your characters are ciphers. They exist merely because they exist, because you put them on the page. Why are they there? What are the characters showing us? Are they intended to be real characters, or like props in a combined dance? If they are meant to be real, flesh them out. Make us care. If Rich gets hit by a bus I won't cry. I won't even notice. Rich has friends, I think. They are male. That's about all I know. If Emily gets hit by a bus I will be sad. Why do I care more about Emily than Rich? What details or inner dialogue did you write that made be pull for her? Figure that out and do the same for the others.

This is my favorite bit of character building:

"Lashley gave a huff and started walking a little faster to catch up with them. She wove through the crowd as she got to the other end, but again, the bartenders had doubled back via the near side, making Lashley parade around the whole bar.

In spite of her situation, Lashley started giggling as she half ran through the crowd and finally caught up to the bartenders. The crowd applauded which caused her to look around, eyes smiling, turning, and she gave a little curtsey in all directions. She wasn't trying to curtseying though; she was really showing off her well-spanked bottom to anyone who had missed it."

It shows the playful side of the bar and the graceful resignation of Emily.

Vignettes are what you're after. You have so many of them crammed together that they don't breathe, but again takes as a whole they show promise. If I were you I would do two things.

1) Imagine an ending for one or more of the characters and work backwards from that. Then use that thread as the flagpole for everything else. Make it Rich, or Emily, and then focus on that thread long enough to get everyone situated.

2) Pick one vignette, focus on it, flesh it out, and make it tale 1: the spanking turnstile. Tale 2: The faux girls. Tale 3: The play. Tale 4: The audition.

Have fun!

 

[LWulf]

Thanks snowflake for choosing my story to comment on ...I think.
As near as I can understand it, the SDC is more for lengthy commentary, while Story Feedback is more for short brief commentary.

Yup, no argument run-on's are one of my foibles. There are exceptions to literature that they can be present in very noteworthy and highly esteemed works. Not saying that because they exist here, that my work is noteworthy, but they DO exist sometimes. I am always seeking to reducing them though, so thanks for pointing that out. *nods*

Not sure where you were going with "Rich [TAG] a tall lanky blonde dude[/TAG]"

The rest of your assessment I think is nail-on-the-head, for better or worse. *shrug*

I think you have a feeling I don't know where the story is going to go, likewise about character development. Suffice that I have details already carved out, up to chapter four and characters will get fleshed out more as the story proceeds. Interactions with different characters are planned to weave back and forth, mixing freely with each other. To a certain degree, I don't know where it will go after that.
I plan on dropping some characters and adding in new ones by around that chapter. Until then, I have to stumble along with chapter two, first! XD

As far as the vignettes, I have to disagree. While you might be correct that I should only focus on one, I feel I have to explore them combined for a couple of more chapters at least. Besides which, I like using the lesser vignettes for greater comedic effect as a glue that bonds the greater vignettes which deal with less comedic avenues.

Thanks for the critique and don't worry, I AM having fun!

 

[Flowsnake]

You're probably right that focusing on vignettes is not the way to go. The strength of the story is a quirky sense of comaraderie and spanking-as-communication. It is fun and the people are perky. The combined chorus of antics is enjoyable but confusing. If you keep with the melange I suggest a tighter focus on character establishment.

The facebook tag thing.... fuhgettaboutit. Here's what I mean. Organically describing the character is great. You do that well here:

"Just past the vestibule curtains, in the wall ahead of them is a very small ticket window with a young woman seated behind it. She is leaning forward slightly in her chair such that her curly brown haired frames her face. A generous view of her lightly freckled breasts wrapped loosely by a lacy black bra, is all they can additionally see."

Sometimes the character descriptions seem tacked on:

" She is in her late twenties with a short cropped pixie haircut."

"She has wavy brown hair with blond streaks and is dressed in a black with gold trim corset, black thong panties with stockings, but likewise, no shoes. "

Those seem like tags placed next to the characters names. It is not that big a deal, really.

You've mentioned the run on paragraph... I thought it was cool. It was a real look inside her mind and a reaction to stress.

 

[LWulf]

Aha! I see. You might not have ever read these books, but I used to get into reading Edgar Rice Burrough's John Carter of Mars, and Victor Appleton's Tom Swift Jr. series.

The reason I point these out, is that they had a quirky way of using "description tags" as you basically describe them, (e.g. the incomparable Dejah Thoris). To a certain degree, I tried to us likewise description tags like that in this story. Some of the descriptions, were just that; descriptions, but I also tried to use these description tags too. I mean, you can't use a description tag, then leave other characters undescribed, right?

Does it still need work? Horribly so, but thanks again for assisting in the process.

and thanks for noting about the "stream of consciousness". I was very worried if I had gotten that part correct or not and had asked several ladies for their input on if it seemed "right" or not.
While some parts are definitely male fantasy driven, others I tried to get as close to realistic as possible.