settledseas
Literotica Guru
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- Aug 9, 2008
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- 58,925
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
settledseas
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Posts
- 58,925
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,090
Hahahahahaha, good one!!
Devlishone4fun
I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide
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- Feb 18, 2013
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GiggLeGasm
June Cleaver Wannabe
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2011
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- 22,811
I wish I had a place to repurpose that etch-a-sketch one.. <laughing>
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Irony:
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year, the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."
Thus ends today's lesson in irony.
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year, the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."
Thus ends today's lesson in irony.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
From the mouths of children
A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.'
Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks
the prettier my mom gets.'
Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on
television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
Grady - 'My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at
parties.'
Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more
they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good
thing.'
Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants
sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances.
One time he danced right into the pool.'
Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he
burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
Mary - 'I think beer tastes bitter and I don't like it. Mom likes it,
but she gets tired and leans on guys and they have to help her to the
bedroom for a quick nap. When they come back, she is all perky and
happy, and the guys are all tired out.
Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
Brittney - I don't like beer, but mom says it helps you get the guys
you want, so I'll have to learn to like it.
Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my
father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go
bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
Fergie - My mom never drinks beer when dad is home, but he sometimes
does. Then she yells at him when it makes him want to smooch. Mom only
drinks beer when dad is away. When it makes her want to smooch, she
will do it with everybody, even the Pizza guy, and he is weird.
Alice - My sister told me you have to drink your own weight in beer
before you start to like it. She has some ways to go yet, I think. The
guys usually ignore her until they have had a whole lot of beer, then
they get nice and play with her.
Brad - Beer tastes disgusting. My brother told me it makes you think
the girls are pretty. With his girlfriend I would need an awful lot of
beer.
A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.'
Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks
the prettier my mom gets.'
Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on
television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
Grady - 'My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at
parties.'
Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more
they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good
thing.'
Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants
sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances.
One time he danced right into the pool.'
Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he
burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
Mary - 'I think beer tastes bitter and I don't like it. Mom likes it,
but she gets tired and leans on guys and they have to help her to the
bedroom for a quick nap. When they come back, she is all perky and
happy, and the guys are all tired out.
Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
Brittney - I don't like beer, but mom says it helps you get the guys
you want, so I'll have to learn to like it.
Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my
father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go
bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
Fergie - My mom never drinks beer when dad is home, but he sometimes
does. Then she yells at him when it makes him want to smooch. Mom only
drinks beer when dad is away. When it makes her want to smooch, she
will do it with everybody, even the Pizza guy, and he is weird.
Alice - My sister told me you have to drink your own weight in beer
before you start to like it. She has some ways to go yet, I think. The
guys usually ignore her until they have had a whole lot of beer, then
they get nice and play with her.
Brad - Beer tastes disgusting. My brother told me it makes you think
the girls are pretty. With his girlfriend I would need an awful lot of
beer.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini," Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini," Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay rights group approached the Pope. They noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure." The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini," Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay rights group approached the Pope. They noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure." The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Two businessmen in new shopping mall.....They were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, must be doing well..."Only two left."
I keep telling you, don't mess with us old people.....
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, must be doing well..."Only two left."
I keep telling you, don't mess with us old people.....
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,090
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Cell Phone Etiquette
Cell Phone Etiquette
Guess that will do it….!
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell
Phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not
The four thirty, but I had a long meeting.”
“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman
sitting next To him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Cell Phone Etiquette
Guess that will do it….!
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell
Phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not
The four thirty, but I had a long meeting.”
“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman
sitting next To him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Cell Phone Etiquette
Guess that will do it….!
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell
Phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not
The four thirty, but I had a long meeting.”
“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman
sitting next To him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
LOL...too funny!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Bob comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.
As he passes through the swinging doors,
he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs
around here?"
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure am."
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,
"Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."
As he passes through the swinging doors,
he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs
around here?"
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure am."
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,
"Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Reasons Not To Mess With Children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,090
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Priceless! I love Walter.
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,090
hahaha me too!!
*snerk*
***************************
Brand New Truck
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba," said Jimmy Joe, "where'd you get that truck?"
"Bobbi Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" said his skeptical friend.
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road, put the truck into 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want!' So, I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you are one smart man!" said Jimmy Joe. "Them clothes woulda never fit you."
LoveNLaughter
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 5, 2011
- Posts
- 303
Laughter is Contagious??
I am NOT contagious!!!
I took antibiotics for that.
I am NOT contagious!!!
I took antibiotics for that.
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,090
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
hahaha me too!!
*snerk*
***************************
Brand New Truck
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba," said Jimmy Joe, "where'd you get that truck?"
"Bobbi Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" said his skeptical friend.
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road, put the truck into 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want!' So, I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you are one smart man!" said Jimmy Joe. "Them clothes woulda never fit you."
LOL too funny
I am NOT contagious!!!
I took antibiotics for that.
I heard there's an app for that too!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice
restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I though
he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment
on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said ,'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled
slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do
with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant
and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
----- Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice
restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I though
he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment
on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said ,'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled
slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do
with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant
and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
----- Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
The Darwin Awards Are Out Again..
It's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a
hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something
that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger
again.
This time it worked.
And now, the Honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine
and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for
himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that
the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo
had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby
bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad
told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a
moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the
cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of
cash he got from the drawer: $15.
If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block
bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The
liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse
and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put
him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told
to stand there for a positive ID.
To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti,
Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because
he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The frustrated gunman walked away.
And Finally, the 5-STAR "STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER"
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by
sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a
very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that
the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had
and the perp had been punished enough!
It's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a
hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something
that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger
again.
This time it worked.
And now, the Honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine
and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for
himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that
the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo
had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby
bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad
told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a
moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the
cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of
cash he got from the drawer: $15.
If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block
bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The
liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse
and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put
him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told
to stand there for a positive ID.
To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti,
Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because
he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The frustrated gunman walked away.
And Finally, the 5-STAR "STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER"
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by
sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a
very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that
the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had
and the perp had been punished enough!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ....
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ....
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,090
^^^^^^^ LMAO!! Good stuff!
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
- Status
