How do you write this?

[astuffedshirt_perv]

I've alway been uneasy writing this scenario. How do you write a dialog with a reaction from another?

"You know you didn't hang up the phone last night," he said. Sue winced and covered her mouth. "I heard everything."

or

"You know you didn't hang up the phone last night," he said.
Sue winced and covered her mouth.
"I heard everything."

What if it was "Sue winced and covered her mouth. Her eyes found his...blah blah blah." Is there a rule of thumb for how long the reaction (Sue winced and ...) can be before you split into new lines?

 

[PennLady]

I think the only real rule is to make sure it's clear to the reader. You could try something like this:

"You know, you didn't hang up the phone last night," he said. "I heard everything you said."

Sue winced and covered her mouth.

It's hard to say much more without more context.

 

[sr71plt]

The second is the correct rendering. It could, though, use something added--something about his demeanor after the "I heard everything"--to make it quite clear that "he" was the speaker of that phrase. What's there is correct, but I paused to check who the speaker of that phrase was and other readers might too. As an author, you want the reader to flow right through that with total understanding of who is speaking what, not to have to pause to check that even if the original is technically correct.

 

[LWulf]

I think stuffedshirt is asking about format; using separate lines for individual characters opposed to putting a few character's quotes in one paragraph.

 

[sr71plt]

I think stuffedshirt is asking about format; using separate lines for individual characters opposed to putting a few character's quotes in one paragraph.

??? Umm, yes. Which I answered. That's what the second example does.

 

[LWulf]

My point is that isn't such formatting just a convention of practice and not an institution?

I believe Hemingway had a format that was considered "unorthodox" which prompted people, to this day, to question "who actually said what line" in some of his stories.

This would support the concept that a format is not an institution...?

 

[sr71plt]

My point is that isn't such formatting just a convention of practice and not an institution?

I believe Hemingway had a format that was considered "unorthodox" which prompted people, to this day, to question "who actually said what line" in some of his stories.

This would support the concept that a format is not an institution...?

Literotica rejects a story if the editor sees that dialogue for separate characters isn't in separate paragraphs, so I see no reason to even start into that argument on a Literotica submissions question.

 

[LWulf]

Literotica rejects a story if the editor sees that dialogue for separate characters isn't in separate paragraphs, so I see no reason to even start into that argument on a Literotica submissions question.

So I guess a stream of consciousness would be an unacceptable literary form to use here to??

Edit: I mention this because I wrote a story that is going through the editorial process as we type and was asking around for POV's to see if I had gotten an internal dialog for a person of that age/gender correct.

I mean if a different style of format is not considered proper here, then a paragraph lacking punctuation would almost certainly raise alarm bells too, no?

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

What I don't like about doing it right--using separate lines--is that it gets spacey. Using 3 whole lines just for that brief exchange seems poor.

 

[sr71plt]

So I guess a stream of consciousness would be an unacceptable literary form to use here to??

Edit: I mention this because I wrote a story that is going through the editorial process as we type and was asking around for POV's to see if I had gotten an internal dialog for a person of that age/gender correct.

I mean if a different style of format is not considered proper here, then a paragraph lacking punctuation would almost certainly raise alarm bells too, no?

Yes, a paragraph without punctuation would raise alarms with the Lit. editor, unless it was explained to her. To get it through, you should include a what/why discussion in the Notes box when you submit (and then cross your fingers--the job of the acquisitions editor is to see that readers will understand it, not that the author thinks it's nifty).

I don't know how stream of consciousness would be connected to the "separate dialogue by separate characters in separate paragraphs" issue, though. Stream of consciousness is already a chore for the reader. I don't know why anyone would want to put stream of consciousness of more than one character in the same paragraph anyway.

I could see one character's thoughts on what another character said in the same paragraph--although this could be handled in separate paragraphs--but in that case, I'd definite give the spoken dialogue and the thoughts separate format treatments.

 

[sr71plt]

What I don't like about doing it right--using separate lines--is that it gets spacey. Using 3 whole lines just for that brief exchange seems poor.

That's sort of something you need to get over. Go look at a novel in print.

 

[PennLady]

What I don't like about doing it right--using separate lines--is that it gets spacey. Using 3 whole lines just for that brief exchange seems poor.

It's the internet. Lots of space and no wasted paper!

You could combine it into two lines, as I did, but I don't think it makes much difference.

And I've done exchanges like that with even fewer words per line.

Here's an excerpt from one of my stories (Rhythm and the Blue Line), with the female lead, Ryan, talking to her best friend, Lara:

Lara sat up, eyes wide. "Are you serious? He's cute, he's an athlete, and he cooks? Dear God, Ryan, if you don't go out with him I'm going to break up with Trout and take your place."

"Okay."

"I'm serious."

"Have at."

"Ryan." Lara threw up her hands. "What am I going to do with you?"

Those short lines can have a good effect.

 

[LWulf]

I don't know how stream of consciousness would be connected to the "separate dialogue by separate characters in separate paragraphs" issue, though. Stream of consciousness is already a chore for the reader. I don't know why anyone would want to put stream of consciousness of more than one character in the same paragraph anyway.

Well, my point was if one irregular literary form is not acceptable, then is it possible another irregular literary form would likewise not be acceptable.

However, you seem to have answered that one would while another would not. Why I would need to point that out to an editor (how did you know my editor was a she?) is sort of beyond me. However that is very off topic to the OP's question and does them absolutely no good, so I'll end it there.

 

[sr71plt]

However, you seem to have answered that one would while another would not. Why I would need to point that out to an editor (how did you know my editor was a she?) is sort of beyond me. However that is very off topic to the OP's question and does them absolutely no good, so I'll end it there.

One of my points is that you won't know whether an irregular style is accepted until you try it out and I provided what I thought was the quickest, best guidance in checking it out.

Surprise, it's not all about the author and this is Laurel's Web site. If you can't bring yourself to discuss with her what she'll accept and what she won't--in the Notes section of the submission--than you're up the creek by yourself.

I'm sorry, I don't feel your pain on this.

 

[LWulf]

Surprise, it's not all about the author and this is Laurel's Web site. If you can't bring yourself to discuss with her what she'll accept and what she won't--in the Notes section of the submission--than you're up the creek by yourself.

Surprise! You have misunderstood me.
Actually, that's not very surprising on this website I find of late. People get LOTS of exercise jumping to conclusions!

However, AGAIN, this is very off topic which, to me, is wrong, being it does NO good to the OP, and I'll consider this off-topic discussion to be closed.

 

[sr71plt]

Why I would need to point that out to an editor (how did you know my editor was a she?) is sort of beyond

The submissions editor on Literotica, Laurel, is a she. Yes, we apparently are on two different tracks. I'm not sure where yours diverged.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

So I guess a stream of consciousness would be an unacceptable literary form to use here to??

Edit: I mention this because I wrote a story that is going through the editorial process as we type and was asking around for POV's to see if I had gotten an internal dialog for a person of that age/gender correct.

I mean if a different style of format is not considered proper here, then a paragraph lacking punctuation would almost certainly raise alarm bells too, no?

Perhaps I'm missing your point. Stream of consciousness is fine, but not dialogue without punctuation, and should be broken into bite-size paragraphs with normal punctuation. Think of your readers!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I think the only real rule is to make sure it's clear to the reader. You could try something like this:



It's hard to say much more without more context.

It wont fly with Laurel; been there, done that, got the rejection slip. She's anal about distinct paragraphs for dialogue. Something like, "Did too, did not, DID TOO!, DID NOT!" wont cut it.

I'm not sure how Laurel would deal with internal dialogue.

 

[Bramblethorn]

It wont fly with Laurel; been there, done that, got the rejection slip. She's anal about distinct paragraphs for dialogue. Something like, "Did too, did not, DID TOO!, DID NOT!" wont cut it.

I'm not sure how Laurel would deal with internal dialogue.

I've combined external and internal dialogue in the same paragraph and that went through without any complaints.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I've combined external and internal dialogue in the same paragraph and that went through without any complaints.

You must be a homo, she'd never let a straight get away with it.

 

[Noira]

What I don't like about doing it right--using separate lines--is that it gets spacey. Using 3 whole lines just for that brief exchange seems poor.

What you're forgetting is that there's a certain rhythm to writing.

A paragraph catches the reader's breath. It gives punch. Impact. Short, carefully placed sentences change the way something reads.

It's a way of forcing your reader to read it the way you want it to be read. There's a beat. She gasps. Covers her mouth. It's not all one string of things happening at once. He says it. The impact hits.

The most important thing is that it's clear to the reader, and the paragraphs space out the events.

Now... IF Sue is the 3rd person limited narrator, established as the only narrator, and you aren't using an open 3rd, it would be acceptable to say, write it like this.

"You know you didn't hang up the phone last night." Sue winced, and covered her mouth as he continued: "I heard everything."

Of course this brings up the argument of whether or not to use 'as', which as some people here may know, is frowned upon in some circles. I would personally probably choose to do:

"You know you didn't hang up the phone last night," he said.

Sue winced and covered her mouth.

"I heard everything."

What would have the most punch? You decide. Clarity is the most important thing. Does your reader know for certain who's talking, who's reacting? Who have you established as the narrator. If it's him? Phrase her reaction from his view.

"You know you didn't hang up the phone last night." He watched Sue wince and cover her mouth. "I heard everything."

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

'A beat is a the smallest unit of story telling. It is a piece of the story in which something happens.'

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

Gah, I have so much to learn about writing. Maybe I should stick to what I do well, like drinking.

 

[rexbrookdale]

Don't let it bring you down....

Gah, I have so much to learn about writing. Maybe I should stick to what I do well, like drinking.

Don't let the writing bring you down....



Write those stories, and then let an editor work with you to polish your story up a bit.

Cheers to you. Be careful, don't drink and drive. Especially if you're driving in Budapest.

 

[robertreams]

There are so many writers and editors who are indebted to you for a chance to blow their own horn and argue with one another.

If i were writing what you wrote, I would include "She winced. . . " in the first graph and "I heard, in the next graph. Since only one person speaks in your example, you could make it all one graph, but personally I like short dialogue it keeps the action going more. Any of these would pass laurel's high standards, because, as i say, only one person speaks in your example.