Inconsistancy in our d/s relationship

[pandapompom]

Hi there,

My Mistress and myself have been dating for 5 months now and everything is great except one issue.

My Mistress has had experience with training other submissives however she states that I was the first one that she had to train from scratch and that the others - although she was to train them to her standards and ways - knew a majority of the foundations and positions for example.

I have come a long way, it's just this side of the relationship is so inconsistent. I have tried talking and we fix it and it seems to slip again.

At first, the rules were changed to be more accommodating for us. Then it slipped when one of us fell ill. We spoke and agreed we should still continue within reason.

Now it's got to the point of tiredness and totally disregarding the rules. Having changed them I think 8 times.

It hurts when I'm remembering them and Mistress is not pulling me up on it. I'm having to remind her alot.

She does apologise and promise to deal with it but I'm getting tired of starting again over and over.

It just stops.

I still don't know how to kneel properly, or to present myself. I keep stressing I think this is where we need to begin but I also don't want to disrespect her ways.

How can I go about dealing with this?

Thanks peeps

 

[loneranger8921]

Sounds like a problem I have when Doming my sub. It is our real lives encroach on rules that I set and she agrees too but life make us break them. Our solution has been to set play times and normal time. You are setting your standards to high let it evolve more. Trust me it will work if you and your mistress make the effort.

 

[desertslave]

Real life IS and always WILL BE; everything else is optional. Everyone needs to learn to roll with it and to be flexible. Hopes and expectations are nice but it's very important to remember that the people on both sides of the leash (if you will) ARE still people.

Also, from this submissive's viewpoint, you need to let go of your strong expectations and learn to accommodate your mistress, as-is. Being a submissive isn't about learning positions. (After serving three different dominants, I've never been taught a formal position in my life; it's not how any of them worked their magic.) Being submissive IS about serving your mistress in whatever way she asks of you when she asks it. If she's tired, offer to give her massage, draw her a bubblebath, read her a book, or just make her some soup and put away groceries. It's not up to you to judge her performance.

(And yes, sweetheart-darling-Master-Sir, I've just given myself a kick in the head, accordingly )

 

[pandapompom]

Thanks for your reply


I find myself submitting in ways I usually would regardless, I make her lunch for work, make sure dinner is served on her return, give her foot massages etc

It's just there are no rules in place and this can happen for a month or so then one day, I ask 'are the rules back on' and then I start to get into the mindset again and she tells me I'm progressing then we can go another 2 weeks or longer without rules or play again.

I think it's just playing with my mind, this off and on thing. I don't mind when she is tired, I want her to rest more than anything and I want to cater for her.

I just feel that it's because I'm not submitting properly or that there is something I'm not doing right that's lead her to push it aside each time.

 

[desertslave]

You are doing what she needs you to do. That IS, most absolutely, submitting properly! The rest is just whipped cream with an occasional cherry.

There is a special grace in ordinary service. (I forget this too, way too often.) Yeah, there's no chains or ropes or floggers, but sometimes it's the best kind of service because it IS so ordinary. It still has value, and so do you, in doing it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

If you two are serious about your D/s relationship, I would suggest Bob Rubel's books, He's an educator who has written extensively about Master/slave protocol and dynamics. http://rubelpresents.com/publications/

(edited to delete a bunch of questions that you had already answered)

 

[CutieMouse]

WHY do you need the rules back on? Is it a comfort thing? How you measure your performance [internally]? Do you need them to remind you that it's a power based relationship (otherwise making sandwiches is just like anyone else on the planet making sandwiches)?

Did you both want/agree to highly structured/protocol style relationship in the beginning? Did you have the same "vision" of what a day to day D/s relationship looked like?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Also, there is no reason for you to agree to drop the rules. If she's asking, you can, and should, tell her: "I really need them, they help me tremendously."

 

[Primalex]

Can someone translate her problem for me? I don't get it.

Also, there is no reason for you to agree to drop the rules.

 

[eastern sun]

Sometimes it's really frustrating to submit to someone who isn't dominating you. On a pleasure-seeking, reward-seeking level.

 

[Netzach]

Is she really a rules person or is she trying to be a rules person because that's "what Dominants do?" according to whatever we're supposed to think.

I used to be into rules and I used to fret about this stuff, and I used to think that getting sick meant I was "sliding" but the bottom line is that if M does what I tell M to do when I tell it for the most part, isn't that the point?

Sick changes shit, it really does. However it gives a submissive infinitely more meaningful opportunities for useful service than anything else.

 

[njlauren]

It sounds like what you are complaining about is you want a certain level of D/s, where protocols have to be followed and the like and that for various reasons you guys slip out of the D/s protocols/rules and then you feel like you are missing something.

There is a lot here, and understand I a making these points, not to criticize you (or her), but to help you figure out what you need.

-Keep in mind that if you are into the whole D/s protocol thing, where there are specific rules on how you do things, etc, that it can be a burden even on experienced Dom/mes to train someone, especially someone who is new. It might seem easy to be the D in a relationship like that, but it isn't, it is emotionally and physically draining to train someone and then have to correct/punish them.

It could be she is getting overwhelmed (yes, Dommes are quite human), and it is understandable. I think you have to realize that to get a working D/s, to really make it work, can take time,and patience, too. You guys have been together 5 months, and you are both learning about each other.

-I say this with all due respect, but it also sounds like you are topping from the bottom, getting what you want/desire, and aren't thinking about her enough. It could be she needs time out of that space, or has a lot of real life stuff hitting her, and while it is important to talk about things, you also have to be cognizant that she is not all powerful and knowing, and is human. If she slips out of domme space maybe there are reasons for it, maybe it is all just too much for her, or maybe she isn't feeling great....

I understand the eagerness, when I had it become lifestyle I was over the moon and would forget a)this was not pro play, which I was used to and b)my domme was learning, experiencing, this for the first time...it is easy to get over eager and push too hard.

If she is falling out of domme space, then my suggestion would be to take it easy, and try and see why. It could be having to train you takes a lot out, and she doesn't have the energy to do it all the time, you need to talk to her about it.

Maybe you should talk about having the full blown D/s on only during certain periods, like on the weekend, and the rest of the week it is not as strict protocol...still D/s, but maybe during the week she would appreciate being more of a couple, with you as her s but not the constant dynamic of protocols and rules,might give her time to recharge.

The idea of training is to get an s to perform the way a D/M wants, and when a s reaches the proper level the D/M doesn't have to do as much work; but when learnig, it might be overwhelming her to try and keep a newbie s on high level D/s all the time.

 

[Que]

.......



mmmm whipped cream...now im hungry...

You are doing what she needs you to do. That IS, most absolutely, submitting properly! The rest is just whipped cream with an occasional cherry.

There is a special grace in ordinary service. (I forget this too, way too often.) Yeah, there's no chains or ropes or floggers, but sometimes it's the best kind of service because it IS so ordinary. It still has value, and so do you, in doing it.

 

[dangersexqueen]

.......



mmmm whipped cream...now im hungry...

Cherry's.. I can tie the stem in 8 seconds using only my mouth.. I have video!!

 

[Que]

........

Cherry's.. I can tie the stem in 8 seconds using only my mouth.. I have video!!

wait I thought I ID'd my ex's (current) stalker ID...honey?

I never timed it but that was one of her fellatio referencing mouth tricks.

 

[seven_of_nine]

Sometimes it's really frustrating to submit to someone who isn't dominating you. On a pleasure-seeking, reward-seeking level.

This.

Your mistress took you on knowing you would need training from the ground up, so sick or not, she bears some responsibility for that. Some people find illness and vulnerability leaves them the furthest thing from dominant. Not everyone can exercise dominance while relying on the sub a great deal, or while physically unable to mete out punishments.

It sounds like 'the rules' would benefit you and if that's the case there's nothing wrong with saying so. You don't have to ask for them to be instantly reinstated. In fact it may well be more effective for you to neutrally mention how useful you found them and how you hope they'll be reinstated once your mistress is in better health.

What's your mistress's emotional wellbeing like? If she's depressed or dealing with the daily grind of chronic illness, she may not be in the right place mentally to dominate you with love, from a position of inner strength. Some people won't do it at all if they can't do it right. Try to identify ways you can support her emotionally or help her to access professional support if necessary.

You should also ask yourself why you need these rules so badly and more importantly, what's really stopping you. If you want to follow the rules, follow the rules. Maybe keep a record of slips as a catalyst for when your mistress is better and feeling like play. Maybe tell her you're on bread and water for the day because you forgot something basic and see how she reacts. Make her see that you're capable of living by an agreed set of rules whether she's standing behind you with a flogger or not. Perhaps then she'll realise you're better trained than either of you gave you credit for.