talikat
Music is my refuge
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- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,161
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Love this!
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Love this!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that
the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why
would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?', asked the couple. 'Because I am the artist, who painted the
picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that
the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why
would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?', asked the couple. 'Because I am the artist, who painted the
picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,161
https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/923143_10151434923778477_296475467_n.jpg
WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Priceless!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Grammar
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightie, gown.
7. Lymph , v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightie, gown.
7. Lymph , v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,161
ROFLMAO!!! I love it!!!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
My Last Trip to Costco
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,161
Earl
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2002
- Posts
- 9,525
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who had just celebrated his 95th birthday. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't give him the care he needed any longer and decided to take him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly, the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
Around this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's OK," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
Read more: http://www.askmen.com/daily/jokes/2011_oct/oct23.html#ixzz2Skeeug2J
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly, the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
Around this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's OK," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
Read more: http://www.askmen.com/daily/jokes/2011_oct/oct23.html#ixzz2Skeeug2J
talikat
Music is my refuge
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- Oct 14, 2005
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- 41,161
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five grand and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Hollywood, California ."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Hollywood."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her lawyer
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being fucked by a lawyer!
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five grand and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Hollywood, California ."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Hollywood."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her lawyer
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being fucked by a lawyer!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
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- Oct 30, 2004
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- 4,034
BlueEyedGent
Literotica Guru
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talikat
Music is my refuge
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BlueEyedGent
Literotica Guru
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I liked this one...and I am an attorney, go figure!
Oops.
No worries whatsoever. I constantly say things not so complimentary about other attorneys .Every profession has bad seeds....I'm a good one, promise.
2wild2care
Literotica Guru
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Cinner
At home with LiteTouch10.
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- Jun 27, 2010
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This is a true story of correspondence that took place
between a hotel guest and the staff. The hotel who submitted this
has a policy of giving free soap to all of its guests.
----------------------------------
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in
my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please
remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the
medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are
in my way. Thank you.
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the
shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I
took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in
case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I
left today which are my standing instructions from the management.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her
concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room
this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf
under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for
two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need
those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way
when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel
soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6
soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap
dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet
for your convenience.
I did not remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always
placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which
you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let
me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder informed me this A.M.
that you called ham last evening and said you were unhappy with
your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I
hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If
you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it
my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 A.M. and 5
P.M. Thank you .
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the
hotel for business at 7:45 A.M. and don' t get back before 5:30
P.M. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night - you
were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do
anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you
assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since
she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along
with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In
just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why
are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap
to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further
assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8:00 A.M. and 5:00
P.M.. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken
from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in last last
night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere
Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room
since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time
they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Asst. Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came
in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54
little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.
Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my
bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap
was missing so I personally returned them - the 24 Camays which
had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.
I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously
your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she
also broguth 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know
where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was
able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:
On shelf under medicine cabinet -
18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser -
7 Cashmere Bouquet in 1 stack of 3 & 1 stack of 4, 1 hotel-
size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet -
14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the
stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that
stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that
my bedroom window sill, which is not in use, will make an
excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have
purchased another bar of bath-size Dial which I am keeping in the
hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
between a hotel guest and the staff. The hotel who submitted this
has a policy of giving free soap to all of its guests.
----------------------------------
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in
my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please
remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the
medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are
in my way. Thank you.
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the
shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I
took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in
case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I
left today which are my standing instructions from the management.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her
concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room
this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf
under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for
two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need
those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way
when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel
soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6
soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap
dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet
for your convenience.
I did not remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always
placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which
you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let
me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder informed me this A.M.
that you called ham last evening and said you were unhappy with
your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I
hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If
you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it
my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 A.M. and 5
P.M. Thank you .
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the
hotel for business at 7:45 A.M. and don' t get back before 5:30
P.M. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night - you
were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do
anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you
assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since
she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along
with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In
just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why
are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap
to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further
assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8:00 A.M. and 5:00
P.M.. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken
from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in last last
night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere
Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room
since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time
they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Asst. Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came
in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54
little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.
Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my
bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap
was missing so I personally returned them - the 24 Camays which
had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.
I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously
your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she
also broguth 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know
where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was
able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:
On shelf under medicine cabinet -
18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser -
7 Cashmere Bouquet in 1 stack of 3 & 1 stack of 4, 1 hotel-
size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet -
14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the
stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that
stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that
my bedroom window sill, which is not in use, will make an
excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have
purchased another bar of bath-size Dial which I am keeping in the
hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,161
No worries whatsoever. I constantly say things not so complimentary about other attorneys .Every profession has bad seeds....I'm a good one, promise.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,161
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,161
Rodeo Sex
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
GiggLeGasm
June Cleaver Wannabe
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2011
- Posts
- 22,811
I don't know any professional with the ability to laugh at jokes as much as my friends who are lawyers.. can't wait to pass them on..
and I'm so glad that I'm alone when actually laughing out loud..
and I'm so glad that I'm alone when actually laughing out loud..
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
A.a.a.d.d.- Know The Symptoms!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry
smotherman
Ass-phyxiation
- Joined
- May 7, 2005
- Posts
- 37,182
"Deadly Fruit"
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
talikat
Music is my refuge
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Posts
- 41,161
munch2much
Intelligence is sexy
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2008
- Posts
- 14,093
- Status
