Sub burn out?

[kimuk]

I have asked my Dom for a break from being his submissive. It was stressing me out. I wanted to be me for a while.

I miss it lots. Our relationship still thrives. But I wonder if it happens for other subs too?

Ever asked for some time out?

If you did , how did things work out when you resumed?

 

[ecstaticsub]

Yes, I have asked for a time-out twice. Both times were early in our relationship- within the first two years. However, they were not granted the way I had intended. Instead of just getting a time-out from submission I got a time-out from all contact. Looking back it makes sense. He couldn't turn off his dominance and I couldn't turn off my submission. After I asked and he told me that it would be no contact I couldn't take it back. I don't remember how long each one lasted--maybe 2 weeks?

At the time I had asked I was feeling very overwhelmed with life in general. In the long run I do think it had a negative effect on the relationship. We are still together. (On Tuesday it will be 8 years!) But both times we something I wish I could have taken back if I could.

And in case you are wondering why I asked for the second one if I knew what the trade off was going to be..I can't answer that. I forget. Most likely just feeling completely overwhelmed. I should have communicated my feelings better and trusted him to not push me further than I could handle.

I know better now.

 

[knot_sweet]

I think the reason people get sub burnout is they are trying too hard to be someone they aren't.

I'm not suggesting in any way that you aren't a sub. Just that people evolve and change over time and the person you are now has different needs to the person that made the original contract.

Perhaps instead of time out and jumping back into something that pinches and rubs like badly fitting shoes, maybe re-evaluating the boundaries and terms of submission might be the way to go?


Just a thought and take it with salt, lime and tequila if it's not valid.

 

[SirVPL]

Dom/Domme are one with their submissives. A Doctor has his/her nurse. An Executive his/her Secretary. One cannot work w/o the other.

 

[VladHarkonnen]

Rocky Road might be your favorite but if it's what you get every time you go out for ice cream it sometimes does you good to have a creamy and delicious scoop of vanilla...or maybe strawberry. You can still eat it out of the same kind of cone

 

[leighannste17]

I have asked my Dom for a break from being his submissive. It was stressing me out. I wanted to be me for a while.

I miss it lots. Our relationship still thrives. But I wonder if it happens for other subs too?

Ever asked for some time out?

If you did , how did things work out when you resumed?

I certainly can hand it to you. It takes a lot of patience, silence, and listening to be a sub. I wouldn't want your position. It's exhausting, and tiring. But it's a good thing my desire is more on the female dominant side. If your like me and your submissive in real life your exhausted in general, while your growing up. So you go somewhere different were you can be worshipped.

Most women are seduced by the desire of a dominant male taking over their helpless bodies and experimenting with them in different naughty ways.

But for me, I've never been into it. It just seems like if the woman is the one going through the contract and giving you permission to do certain things to her, that she's really the one in control, underneath it all.

 

[luvnmyboys]

Rocky Road might be your favorite but if it's what you get every time you go out for ice cream it sometimes does you good to have a creamy and delicious scoop of vanilla...or maybe strawberry. You can still eat it out of the same kind of cone

This. Now I want ice cream. Grrr.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

It's an entirely reasonable thing to want - if I was in your position though I would definitely be looking at why my relationship was causing me to feel burned out. Is is just the intensity? Or is there something more that needs to be addressed?

 

[Kim_Burly]

I think the reason people get sub burnout is they are trying too hard to be someone they aren't.
I'm not suggesting in any way that you aren't a sub. Just that people evolve and change over time and the person you are now has different needs to the person that made the original contract.

Perhaps instead of time out and jumping back into something that pinches and rubs like badly fitting shoes, maybe re-evaluating the boundaries and terms of submission might be the way to go?


Just a thought and take it with salt, lime and tequila if it's not valid.

I think Knot nailed it. Maybe you were meant to have a more in the bedroom D/s and closer to him as the Head of the Household your daily life relationship, perhaps not. I think finding balance, is the ultimate key to happiness as a sub, least it is to me. I'm stilling having trouble accepting that Sir and I are really going to be married in 6 more months . He is a true leader and I am having some trouble letting go of some things, but he gives me space. Ours is not a pure whips and chains S&M type deal. It is more of a happy, loving relationship, but he is the boss and he can rule with an iron fist. He can also let things slide or give me punishments I hate, but it's not always a harsh spanking or caning. When I brat he will have me stand facing a wall, holding a piece of paper against the wall with my nose. I am fully dressed while doing this for 15, 30 or 60 minutes. The only thing makes it the least bit erotic is that I have my hands handcuffed behind me and I am wearing obscenely tall and uncomfortable heels .

I guess my point is he asks me what I think and listens to my answers. Sometimes I know I change his mind. Maybe lighten it up a little bit. Best of luck and please report back .

 

[VladHarkonnen]

This. Now I want ice cream. Grrr.

Muhahaha!


Actually I could go for a scoop of vanilla right now...in a thick, crunchy waffle cone

 

[kimuk]

Physical sub no problem. Mentally I'm there. Emotionally now there is my struggel. Its not the way he treated me . Its not that his expectations were too high. He listened to me. We are very much partenrs.
But its like my expectations of myself are to high? I'm my own worse critic? I was the one beating myself up, feeling i was not doing well enough.
The intensity was about wanting / needing to give myself so completly , i lived and breathed it 24/7.
Addicted?

 

[SubMrs]

To me a sub surrenders the right to burn out or to ask anything of the dom.

 

[shewantsmore]

i think if you are to become a sub you must expect to give up both your physical but menta lstrengths,to give everything to your dom

 

[knot_sweet]

Physical sub no problem. Mentally I'm there. Emotionally now there is my struggel. Its not the way he treated me . Its not that his expectations were too high. He listened to me. We are very much partenrs.
But its like my expectations of myself are to high? I'm my own worse critic? I was the one beating myself up, feeling i was not doing well enough.
The intensity was about wanting / needing to give myself so completly , i lived and breathed it 24/7.
Addicted?

Oh, now I get you.

Yeah, been through that.

All I can say is, when you feel not good enough to the point it's overwhelming you, ask for some feedback.

Stewing on it until you want to scream "AArrgghhh I'm never going to be able to do this" then needing to time out is just adding to the feelings of utter uselessness.

Subbing is one of those rare things in my life where I thrive on positive feedback. It took me forever to understand that about myself.

Maybe you need to hear "good girl" (or some version that works for you both) once in a while too??

Again, just a thought, and one you can dismiss at your leisure.

 

[the captians wench]

Physical sub no problem. Mentally I'm there. Emotionally now there is my struggel. Its not the way he treated me . Its not that his expectations were too high. He listened to me. We are very much partenrs.
But its like my expectations of myself are to high? I'm my own worse critic? I was the one beating myself up, feeling i was not doing well enough.
The intensity was about wanting / needing to give myself so completly , i lived and breathed it 24/7.
Addicted?

I don't think I've ever asked for a break from being submissive, but the bolded part I totally get.

What came to mind for me was when I first went back to school. Jounar had me on a daily pic sending task, which included an hour of nipple pegging. But I was working 45-47 hours a week, plus school 8 hours a week, plus home work, plus a mandatory 3 hours a week volunteer work, and drive time, and trying to sleep...to say I had my plate full would be putting it mildly. I was overwhelmed, and the pressure to keep up these tasks for him added to that stress. I wanted to please him, but some nights I would come home with only 5 hours before my next class or shift, and I would beat myself up over choosing to sleep rather than complete my task. I thought that I was failing him by not completing this, and that stress and pressure had me at my breaking point.

When we finally had time to chat, I explained to him what was going on. How I wanted to do these task for him and how I would beat myself up over not doing them, but the pressure was just too much. I couldn't ease my work or school burden, and if I burned out of school this early in the game, I'd never make it.

He agreed. Me going to school is just too important to mess with, and we found other ways to keep things interesting and our dynamic alive.

But Jounar and I slide easily from Master/slave to lovers to Dom/sub to bffs with out much conversation or need to announce the movement.

Not sure if that helps or not.

 

[compliantamy23]

......

 

[ecstaticsub]

~snip~

But Jounar and I slide easily from Master/slave to lovers to Dom/sub to bffs with out much conversation or need to announce the movement.

Not sure if that helps or not.

This doesn't sound to me like sub burn out or even a change in dynamic. It sounds like a healthy, long term, loving relationship. Good for you both!

 

[kimuk]

I think , for me its about acepting the sub in me. The deep routed feeling of needing his power and ownership. It goes way beyond sex. Its so intense it burns.

When I have to say "I cant do this" I feel like utter crap. He dosnet want me to feel like that. I just do!

Anyway were working through it. Fuck, kinky sex is easy , its the living in your own sub headspace that casues me problems.

The most difficult thing is acepting it myself. I dont just want it. I need it.

So maybe not "burn out" more coming to terms with it? or with myself?

 

[MrNiceGuy22]

I know what you mean

I think , for me its about acepting the sub in me. The deep routed feeling of needing his power and ownership. It goes way beyond sex. Its so intense it burns.

When I have to say "I cant do this" I feel like utter crap. He dosnet want me to feel like that. I just do!

Anyway were working through it. Fuck, kinky sex is easy , its the living in your own sub headspace that casues me problems.

The most difficult thing is acepting it myself. I dont just want it. I need it.

So maybe not "burn out" more coming to terms with it? or with myself?

I've known I was submissive for a while, but I have been hesitant exploring it. I think that I am i the same boat as you-- I think it is something of self-consciousness or an inability to outwardly accept my submissive tendencies. I can't get off sexually without playing some kind of submissive role. But I don't really behave submissively, although I know that my submissiveness encompasses more than simply my sexual preferences. Some times I wonder if I would be more happy if I just gave into it and was completely submissive

 

[celestialdragon]

I have never had to ask for a break. Before my fav. Dom and I got into a D/s relationship, we were close friends, and he knew me extremely well. He could pinpoint my moods and knew what would make me feel better. At the time there was a lot of shit going on at home, and so whenever I was upset, he would take care of me, and I was open with him on how I was feeling. He knew I had a lot on my plate, and he would recognize my moods so he could properly deal with them.
Coming to terms with the fact that you're submissive is hard, especially if you are typically toward the top- coming to terms for me was difficult, as a top student, a member of the elite, that sort of thing. But when I accepted it, I accepted it as a part of me, and who I am. It just takes time and patience.

 

[subp]

Think carefully. Do you actually want to end it? If so, don't draw it out. don't cause both of you pain. ask yourself why you need time out and answer it honestly. xx

 

[kimuk]

Think carefully. Do you actually want to end it? If so, don't draw it out. don't cause both of you pain. ask yourself why you need time out and answer it honestly. xx

I've asked my self those questions and tormented myself with the answers. I think its fear. Not of the relationship because that is wonderful and very special. Afraid of where I will let it take me?

 

[eastern sun]

I can relate. My own burn-out has always been a result of unrealistic expectations - sometimes his, sometimes mine. I want to be able to do more than I can. And sometimes he wants me to do more than I can, and I try to. It's always disappointing, but it's a necessary part of finding out where our real limits lie.

It's also true that things change. His desires have changed. My desires have changed. The circumstances of our life have required, and sometimes forced, changes in our behavior. That can be disappointing too, especially if it feels one-sided.

But a strong relationship can weather these changes, or maybe, it's just that a relationship grows stronger by weathering these changes.

Don't be too hard on yourself, kimuk. Just pay attention to what's happening.

(I think your insight into the part that fear plays in all of this is important.)

 

[kimuk]

Thank you for the posts on here and the private messages I have recieved.
We met on friday.
What a wonderful day. We talked for hours. We had lunch togeather. We indulged in our shared fetishes and I was recollared.
My beautiful, wonderful man how good you made me feel.
Just proves that no problems are insurmountable and the key, as always, is to talk. Not hold back, not try to anticipate the answers and to reconnect in every way.
I had a wonderful day Sir and feel blessed that I'm yours
Thank you my love.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

There is something so beautiful and inspiring about the rawness of your honesty in your journey. Sounds like you have both put in the work, so I wish you both the very best of life stuffs.

Thank you for the wonderful smile making updates.