Has anyone come out to a vanilla friend?

[Kim_Burly]

A few months ago, just before I hit my version of rock bottom, I stumbled in here. I posted and got lots of great feedback, but I also blathered away with TMI. I realized that nobody here knows me and from what I've seen, there is a 40/60% chance that I am a thirty five year man old living in his Mom's basement.

So I thought "I'll come out to my friend Linda", I've known her for years and I trust her. She'll listen to me drone on about how my new Dom wants me to trim my pubic hair and I wore a dress to work for the first time in 10 years and so on and not mind. So I tried to gently tell her about my proclivities and what had lead to my divorce and what had happened since. What a huge mistake! At first she was hurt that I hadn't confided in her what I had gone through in the last five years.

Linda is a doll, a great friend and listener, but everything she learned about BDSM came from Harlequin Romances and 50 Shades of Grey. She still can't get over the fact that we have a real live sadist in our neighborhood (my ex Dom and I did not identify him to her). To her he might as well be a serial killer. She simply can't understand why I, want and need the things I do, yet she won't stop prying for intimate details. One Saturday morning, I was basking in the afterglow of a good caning and she talked me into showing her my butt. She actually dropped her coffee cup and freaked out when she saw the marks.

She acts differently around my new Dom now that she knows he is a pervert too. I trust her not to tell anyone, I recently ran into her husband and I would know if she had told him, so that was a relief. I am trying to ween her off of talking about my love life but she seems fascinated and repulsed at the same time.

Who else has come out to a vanilla friend, did it go better for you?

 

[game_master24]

I came out to my friend Ian just before a former sub of mine was supposed to come visit me (She never showed up). He had no idea what I was talking about, so I guess it went well.

 

[marieR19]

Let's see.... Pretty much every online friend I have knows, no matter how vanilla they are. Never had any totally negative reactions.

In Real Life, though? Hmmm. I told my co-worker because she's become a close friend, and because she tells me a lot about her "guy issues" so I already knew she wasn't a total prude or anything. She reacted well, and we talk about it sometimes.

I've told pretty much every therapist I've had in the last 5 years, but that's different, I guess. That's more, if I'm supposed to be working out personal problems with this person, I don't want them to suddenly freak on me if I happen to let something slip.

I've.... *hinted*... to another friend that I've become very close to. She knows I'm gay, and seems okay with that, and she knows I'm a writer so I've hinted at the bdsm stuff by talking a little bit about my stories, but I don't really want to say anything outright 'cause I'm really not sure how she'll react... Her acceptance of my sexuality was sorta surprising, so... She's a church person. In fact, I know her through my mom's church. So....

 

[Netzach]

I let them do the asking as much as possible. I dish sex once in a while, but there are some friends you just never dish sex with.

Again, I let them do as much of the asking as I can. A number of people know. A number probably know secondhand. Nobody has freaked, but I don't tend to have a lot of friends who would freak.

 

[Netzach]

I came out to my friend Ian just before a former sub of mine was supposed to come visit me (She never showed up). He had no idea what I was talking about, so I guess it went well.

Love this. Most people truly do not care. They care about the sex they're getting and that's it.

It's rare that anyone really wants to go there and learn all about everything. I am known as the go-to when someone wants to get spanked or spank a boyfriend or get toys or whatnot.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Tried it once and will never do it again.

She kept going on about how the person that was prepared to hurt me was sick and twisted and had issues they should see someone about. She then went on about how people like me made guys think it was OK to beat females and treat them like shit, even though I had told her that I only let certain people do it to me but apparently it was everyone. She then proceeded to tell everyone she knew what I was into which translated to me been a slut and having every creep try to hit on me *sigh*

 

[seela]

I rarely talk about my sex life in detail with anyone thesedays, that includes my friends. Those who know, have been cool and either just shrugged because they don't really care or said that they're into something similar themselves. I don't remember anyone even being shocked by it.

My friends are already used to me checking pretty much everything with J before I make any promises or plans with them or spend money, so I guess they haven't been surprised to hear that he controls what goes on in the bedroom as well.

Honestly, though, it took me good sweet time to realize sm was something a lot people are ashamed of or at least they don't talk about. I guess I've been lucky and I've been able to do sm things with all my boyfriends, so I've never thought it's something that couldn't be talked about. It's more the outside bedroom stuff that has taken people some time to get used to. Most of the people who have known me since highschool know about my bdsm leanings, because I used to talk about it more before. Newer friends from the university etc. don't know so much.

One friend of mine was a bit taken aback when I told her that our relationship is open. At the time I told her about it, J was seeing someone else too, and she didn't seem to understand why I would be ok with it (well, at that moment I wasn't completely ok with it, which was probably also why I brought up the other woman with her in the first place) and want to be in a relationship like that.

It was around 4 years ago and after that she has brought up the subject twice. The second time I didn't remember exactly how much she knew alredy (turned out it was just about the open relationship, nothing about bdsm) and blurted out something about bdsm too, and then she said that it explained everything and she understood my relationship much better now.

My sister-in-law also at least suspects that there's something more to my relationship with J than just our boringly traditional gender roles. She read the Fifty Shades trilogy and when we talked about it, I probably knew too much about the subject and that clearly made her go a-ha. So I guess my brother knows too.

I don't have any great need to talk about bdsm with anyone anymore, because the bedroom stuff isn't anybody's business and after six years everyone is pretty much gotten used to how J and I handle our relationship. When someone asks, though, I don't make any white lies or cover-up stories. If you ask, I assume you're also prepared to hear the truth.

tl;dr Yes, I've told, nobody's really had a problem with it, didn't even realize someone could have a problem with it until after I had already been participating in all kinds of bdsm things for years, what's most difficult for people usually to handle, IME, is not the hitting and hurting stuff, but the controlling and submitting to his will that happens outside bedroom in everyday life.

 

[LMQ]

ive told a few of my vanilla friends. I haven't exactly gone into detail about what I do and who I do it with, because im pretty sure they would freak out or something if they knew.
generally theyre accepting and just think im quirky. hence my name here and in the chat rooms.
there are plenty of people I would never tell though.

 

[eastern sun]

I have told a few friends and family members. I can see by their reaction to my first tentative statements whether or not they will be supportive.

If a look of surprise or horror crosses their brow, even for a second, I change the subject and listen to them talk about their lives. It never comes up again.

On more than one occasion, though, the person I was talking to had experiences of their own they started sharing with me. And it made us feel even closer to each other to share these "secrets" we don't usually share with others.

I also have gotten better over the years at knowing who to bring it up with. Once I fully embraced my perverted self, it was a lot easier to sense perversion in others.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

I confided in my best friend that I am a sub, then in return she confided that she was secretly a Domme. Made for a very interesting conversation!

 

[Ahlam]

I once mentioned it to a 'vanilla' friend. She stared at me like I had coughed up a hamster. Lesson learned! I don't think I could comfortably discuss my sexuality with most of my other friends, but I'm very much okay with that because then I'd have to listen to them talk about theirs!

 

[DVS]

I've always lived by a standard of not talking about things to many people. I usually don't talk about religion, politics, guns, abortion, racism and sexual experiences. There are some friends who I agree with a few of these topics so I can talk to them, but if I don't know what side of a fence they are on, I know it can turn into quite an issue, if the other person feels strongly against my position.

Sex is a difficult topic for many people, even when it is just basic sex talk. But, when you get into BDSM, many people still consider it quite disturbing to hear that someone enjoys inflicting pain on someone else or enjoys pain. Many also still consider BDSM or D/s and S/m lifestyles in particular to be one dominant man abusing a meek and helpless woman. Some police do, too.

The problem is these abusive relationships do exist and to an outsider they can look very much like a D/s or S/m sexual relationship. And when someone sees the actual result of something...like a caning, it can almost confirm their suspicions of an abusive relationship.

Even when you try to explain things to them, some have a difficult time understanding, or even believing someone would enjoy such a life. To most people, sex is seen as pleasure and pain isn't a part of that for them.

Also, an abuse victim will sometimes stay with their abuser. Maybe it's fear or maybe they have known nothing else and don't have an outlet to change. Whatever the reason, they will sometimes act like their situation isn't as bad as it looks to someone on the outside, just like someone who is into D/s or S/m will try to explain their situation.

So, it's going to be difficult for you to get your friend to understand your sexual desires. If she cares for you she might feel hurt that you didn't confide in her as a friend. And her many questions could be just her way of finding out just how abusive your situation is. She might end up trying to help, maybe going to someone who she thinks can help or maybe giving you names of councilors or even someone in a church who she thinks can help.

You need to give her as much information as she wants, but you also have to watch how you give her this information so you can keep her fears of your abuse from getting any worse. Maybe she's never heard of BDSM, at least the real BDSM. "The Shades of Grey" is pretty mild, if it's even to be considered BDSM.

It's really sad that people don't understand BDSM. It's getting more exposure as time goes along, but it's still pretty much a taboo for many people. I have had less relationships in my life than a man with more vanilla sexual urges just because of that reason. It's difficult to even bring the topic up to someone, especially if she considers things like domination, bondage and pain to be symptoms of abuse. To someone who doesn't know any better, I'm a very abusive man. Go figure.

Oh, maybe I've had fewer sexual experiences than my vanilla counterpart, but I would bet mine have been quite a bit more satisfying. We aren't just performing the mandatory missionary position for five minutes each night before rolling over and going to sleep. We are living our sexual fantasies.

Good luck with your friend.

 

[DVS]

Tried it once and will never do it again.

She kept going on about how the person that was prepared to hurt me was sick and twisted and had issues they should see someone about. She then went on about how people like me made guys think it was OK to beat females and treat them like shit, even though I had told her that I only let certain people do it to me but apparently it was everyone. She then proceeded to tell everyone she knew what I was into which translated to me been a slut and having every creep try to hit on me *sigh*

People's limitations can be difficult, can't they? This is basically what I fear if I tell someone what I enjoy. The problem is, my sexual life suffers because of that. Why are people so judgmental?

 

[Kim_Burly]

I'm dealing with yet another bad decision I've made . Actually, deep down I think my freind is somewhat turned on by hearing about my kinks, she just doesn't want to admit it. I've drawn her into a few stories of shall we say "rough seductions" with Master. G and when she is hooked and nearly drooling, I pull the rug out from under her. "I'm sorry" I say innocently "I didn't mean to be so graphic, I know you don't like hearing that." and then I change the subject. Then she'll reassure me that I should go ahead get it off my chest . I just hate it when she makes stupid assumptions that I want to be spanked by every man I meet. I also think that women like to hear other women complain about their men or lives or whatever. They won't sit and listen for hours about how happy or how much in love you are, but tell them how bad your life is and they'll eat ice cream and drink with you all night.

I know over time, she will accept it and the novelty will wear off for her. I won't tell anyone else, that's for sure and fortunately my Dom is very, I don't know if I would say secretive, perhaps discreet is a better term.

I've always lived by a standard of not talking about things to many people. I usually don't talk about religion, politics, guns, abortion, racism and sexual experiences. There are some friends who I agree with a few of these topics so I can talk to them, but if I don't know what side of a fence they are on, I know it can turn into quite an issue, if the other person feels strongly against my position.

Sex is a difficult topic for many people, even when it is just basic sex talk. But, when you get into BDSM, many people still consider it quite disturbing to hear that someone enjoys inflicting pain on someone else or enjoys pain. Many also still consider BDSM or D/s and S/m lifestyles in particular to be one dominant man abusing a meek and helpless woman. Some police do, too.

The problem is these abusive relationships do exist and to an outsider they can look very much like a D/s or S/m sexual relationship. And when someone sees the actual result of something...like a caning, it can almost confirm their suspicions of an abusive relationship.

Even when you try to explain things to them, some have a difficult time understanding, or even believing someone would enjoy such a life. To most people, sex is seen as pleasure and pain isn't a part of that for them.

Also, an abuse victim will sometimes stay with their abuser. Maybe it's fear or maybe they have known nothing else and don't have an outlet to change. Whatever the reason, they will sometimes act like their situation isn't as bad as it looks to someone on the outside, just like someone who is into D/s or S/m will try to explain their situation.

So, it's going to be difficult for you to get your friend to understand your sexual desires. If she cares for you she might feel hurt that you didn't confide in her as a friend. And her many questions could be just her way of finding out just how abusive your situation is. She might end up trying to help, maybe going to someone who she thinks can help or maybe giving you names of councilors or even someone in a church who she thinks can help.

You need to give her as much information as she wants, but you also have to watch how you give her this information so you can keep her fears of your abuse from getting any worse. Maybe she's never heard of BDSM, at least the real BDSM. "The Shades of Grey" is pretty mild, if it's even to be considered BDSM.

It's really sad that people don't understand BDSM. It's getting more exposure as time goes along, but it's still pretty much a taboo for many people. I have had less relationships in my life than a man with more vanilla sexual urges just because of that reason. It's difficult to even bring the topic up to someone, especially if she considers things like domination, bondage and pain to be symptoms of abuse. To someone who doesn't know any better, I'm a very abusive man. Go figure.

Oh, maybe I've had fewer sexual experiences than my vanilla counterpart, but I would bet mine have been quite a bit more satisfying. We aren't just performing the mandatory missionary position for five minutes each night before rolling over and going to sleep. We are living our sexual fantasies.

Good luck with your friend.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

People's limitations can be difficult, can't they? This is basically what I fear if I tell someone what I enjoy. The problem is, my sexual life suffers because of that. Why are people so judgmental?

I get around the issue now by just not having a sex life. It really saves so much hassle and aggrevation

 

[DVS]

I'm dealing with yet another bad decision I've made . Actually, deep down I think my freind is somewhat turned on by hearing about my kinks, she just doesn't want to admit it. I've drawn her into a few stories of shall we say "rough seductions" with Master. G and when she is hooked and nearly drooling, I pull the rug out from under her. "I'm sorry" I say innocently "I didn't mean to be so graphic, I know you don't like hearing that." and then I change the subject. Then she'll reassure me that I should go ahead get it off my chest . I just hate it when she makes stupid assumptions that I want to be spanked by every man I meet. I also think that women like to hear other women complain about their men or lives or whatever. They won't sit and listen for hours about how happy or how much in love you are, but tell them how bad your life is and they'll eat ice cream and drink with you all night.

I know over time, she will accept it and the novelty will wear off for her. I won't tell anyone else, that's for sure and fortunately my Dom is very, I don't know if I would say secretive, perhaps discreet is a better term.

Let me be the devil's advocate here to explain one possible scenario. Use your own judgement as to how you should deal with this, but unless she is a closet submissive like you think, you could be giving her more information than is in your best interest. If she thinks you are a victim of abuse, she could be keeping a record of the abuse you have experienced. No telling what she might end up doing with that, if she thinks it will help get you out of your abusive situation.

I don't know how close your relationship is with her, but if you can explain your desires to her so she knows how much you enjoy it, that might help to ease her suspicions that it's abuse. But you will need to be convincing, so she knows it's your choice that you stay with him and not his brainwashing.

ADDED AFTER THE INITIAL POST:
I might add that I think this thread should be moved to the Talk forum, because it deals with BDSM and abuse, two things many vanilla people see as the same, when we know they are very different. And you are far from the first to have to deal with a friend or family member being shocked by what we love.

There have actually been organized interventions to get the "victim" out of what they see as an abusive situation. It's similar to a family trying to change a gay person's sexual inclinations. They have good intentions, but their information is faulty.

Abusers use brainwashing to various degrees in an effort to sever friend and family relationships that they feel are "in the way" of their objective. This is an effort to be the only one the abused person has any contact with. It's a control thing and that is a major part of their desire. This is something you'll have to explain away.

You could google "Abuse versus BDSM" or a similar site, to get ammunition to help you explain the difference between abuse and what your relationship actually is.

 

[DVS]

I get around the issue now by just not having a sex life. It really saves so much hassle and aggrevation

NO SEX? SERIOUSLY?

 

[Primalex]

She then proceeded to tell everyone she knew what I was into which translated to me been a slut and having every creep try to hit on me *sigh*

So, Lit in real life. *shrugs*

 

[Loverskitten]

I'm dealing with yet another bad decision I've made . Actually, deep down I think my freind is somewhat turned on by hearing about my kinks, she just doesn't want to admit it. I've drawn her into a few stories of shall we say "rough seductions" with Master. G and when she is hooked and nearly drooling, I pull the rug out from under her. "I'm sorry" I say innocently "I didn't mean to be so graphic, I know you don't like hearing that." and then I change the subject. Then she'll reassure me that I should go ahead get it off my chest . I just hate it when she makes stupid assumptions that I want to be spanked by every man I meet. I also think that women like to hear other women complain about their men or lives or whatever. They won't sit and listen for hours about how happy or how much in love you are, but tell them how bad your life is and they'll eat ice cream and drink with you all night.

I know over time, she will accept it and the novelty will wear off for her. I won't tell anyone else, that's for sure and fortunately my Dom is very, I don't know if I would say secretive, perhaps discreet is a better term.

Is this the same friend from the original post? If not maybe you need to think about why you feel the need to tell everyone the graphic details of your sexlife? Sounds like you take pleasure in shocking and bragging to your friends.

Ya know, I'm not into say, scat, so no matter how a friend could try to explain it to me, I won't "get it" I'd rather not hear about it. Just a different point of view.

 

[shy slave]

I have come out to all kinds of people.

I think I am past the point where I give a damn as to what people think. If they judge me then I did not know that person as well as I thought I did.
I am not asking for approval when I speak about it, and it has come up during those 'girl moments' when discussing partners or ex's.

Few years ago my eldest son was fixing my computer and found my posts on here. He lectured me about safety, double bluff calls, and all kinds of things. He was 18, I was 35; it made me smile.

I have since come out to vanilla friends and a couple of family members.

Last year in a pub having had about three drinks (I am a lightweight), the conversation turned to '50 Shades...' I came out to MD and another director, plus a couple of peers. They were fascinated and have never judged me nor made life difficult for me at work.

But I wouldn't recommend it as a work strategy!

 

[Kim_Burly]

Is this the same friend from the original post? If not maybe you need to think about why you feel the need to tell everyone the graphic details of your sexlife? Sounds like you take pleasure in shocking and bragging to your friends.

Ya know, I'm not into say, scat, so no matter how a friend could try to explain it to me, I won't "get it" I'd rather not hear about it. Just a different point of view.

Well, good evening to you too. Did you take the time to read either of my posts? Yes, it is the same friend. I thought I explained why I decided to tell her in the original post, I also confessed that it turned out to be a bad decision. You don't know what I've told her, do you? It's certainly not the most shocking or graphic details of our love life. I wish I never made bad decisions and mistakes, but I do. I am trying to post less boring stuff here, but when I do post I am going to be as open and honest as I can be, isn't this a place for that or do I have to pretend to be someone I not here too?

 

[intothewoods]

Well, good evening to you too. Did you take the time to read either of my posts? Yes, it is the same friend. I thought I explained why I decided to tell her in the original post, I also confessed that it turned out to be a bad decision. You don't know what I've told her, do you? It's certainly not the most shocking or graphic details of our love life. I wish I never made bad decisions and mistakes, but I do. I am trying to post less boring stuff here, but when I do post I am going to be as open and honest as I can be, isn't this a place for that or do I have to pretend to be someone I not here too?

If you'd read the fitness thread, you would know that LK is carb-deprived and needs a cupcake.

Carry on!

 

[intothewoods]

But I wouldn't recommend it as a work strategy!

That made me LOL.

I would say that, within reason, there is something to not giving a shit. Like if you're seeking approval and kind of telegraphing shame and discomfort (like what Dan Savage describes as the "I have cancer" voice when coming out), it never seems to go well. Either you want too much from them, or they become uncomfortable, or they like the power you've given them or who knows what. Somehow if you're like, yeah, and?? people follow your lead.

Within reason, of course. Telling your bible thumping cousin is never going to be a good idea.

I would also say -- wait until you're out of the new relationship energy -- new kink energy zone.

 

[Kim_Burly]

Let me be the devil's advocate here to explain one possible scenario. Use your own judgement as to how you should deal with this, but unless she is a closet submissive like you think, you could be giving her more information than is in your best interest. If she thinks you are a victim of abuse, she could be keeping a record of the abuse you have experienced. No telling what she might end up doing with that, if she thinks it will help get you out of your abusive situation.

I don't know how close your relationship is with her, but if you can explain your desires to her so she knows how much you enjoy it, that might help to ease her suspicions that it's abuse. But you will need to be convincing, so she knows it's your choice that you stay with him and not his brainwashing.

ADDED AFTER THE INITIAL POST:
I might add that I think this thread should be moved to the Talk forum, because it deals with BDSM and abuse, two things many vanilla people see as the same, when we know they are very different. And you are far from the first to have to deal with a friend or family member being shocked by what we love.

There have actually been organized interventions to get the "victim" out of what they see as an abusive situation. It's similar to a family trying to change a gay person's sexual inclinations. They have good intentions, but their information is faulty.

Abusers use brainwashing to various degrees in an effort to sever friend and family relationships that they feel are "in the way" of their objective. This is an effort to be the only one the abused person has any contact with. It's a control thing and that is a major part of their desire. This is something you'll have to explain away.

You could google "Abuse versus BDSM" or a similar site, to get ammunition to help you explain the difference between abuse and what your relationship actually is.

OK, I guess I stuck my foot it my mouth again. Yes, she was shocked, but no, she is not going call the police. And no, I don't think she is a closet submissive, she has very good marriage and sex life, she must they have 5 children 2-12 years old. She has told me she is happy being "normal". I've been judicious about what I told her, I did go too far with the coffee cup issue. This afternoon, before I came on here I was telling her that she was the topic of discussion on an online forum for kinky people. She said "Don't make me sound like a naive suburban housewife." LOL. I'm sorry for freaking people out. I should just shut up .

 

[shy slave]

That made me LOL.

I would say that, within reason, there is something to not giving a shit. Like if you're seeking approval and kind of telegraphing shame and discomfort (like what Dan Savage describes as the "I have cancer" voice when coming out), it never seems to go well. Either you want too much from them, or they become uncomfortable, or they like the power you've given them or who knows what. Somehow if you're like, yeah, and?? people follow your lead.

Within reason, of course. Telling your bible thumping cousin is never going to be a good idea.

I would also say -- wait until you're out of the new relationship energy -- new kink energy zone.

You know have never thought about the 'when to tell,' aspect as it has just sort of come up in those girl type chats.

But ITW, you are right, telling when in that new energy relationship is probably a bad idea. People may presume you are seeing abuse through rose tinted glasses.

Luckily I don't have any bible thumping cousins, I have a sister who is one though. Can't say I would discuss sex with her; she has thought badly of me for years. I don't fan flames with her, no matter how tempting.

I should just shut up .

Kim - Don't shut up, people read your posts (after all they take time to reply), and one thread can spark many thoughts and/or discussions.

If we always hid what was in our head, Lit would be a pretty quiet place to drop by.