How to tell him the sex isn't working...?

[TotesProfessional]

...without hurting him or making it sound like it's all his fault.

Hi. Thanks for letting me crash the forum. I don't know who to unload this on because I can't afford to see my shrink and the forum I used to visit closed and this is a bit more detailed than I get with my friends about my sex life. I've read Literotica for ages and thought hey, you all would know about sex.

So here we go:

I was a virgin until February but I've had a really high sex drive and used to masturbate all the time (one reason I'm so familiar with this site). Now I've been dating this guy for 8 months and we've been sexually active for 7 months. At first I thought the sex was unsatisfying because I was still getting used to intercourse. He has a really thick cock and doesn't come easily so he lasts usually 30 to 45 minutes. But now I'm a bit more used to it (which means if it's been at least 4 days since we last fucked it doesn't hurt/feel uncomfortable til near the end) and it's still not satisfying. I refuse to be one of those people who doesn't enjoy sex but I find myself avoiding it because it doesn't get me off and it hurts/is uncomfortable.

I tried buying a vibrating cock ring for him to wear (which felt excellent but doesn't get me all the way off), and ben wa balls (which I barely use so that is something I can work on), and lots of lube. The lube helps the most but he always seems bothered when I use it, like he's disappointed I'm not lubricated enough. So that makes me not insist on using it every time, so then the sex is more uncomfortable, so then I avoid having sex, so then he feels rejected.

I've tried masturbating with him but I can only rarely get off in front of him. This seems like it's because 1) masturbating in front of someone else is weird/different than by myself, and 2) masturbating/stimulating my clit while he's fucking me doesn't feel good, because having my legs that wide open is distracting and having him pistoning in and out is distracting. We tried using my vibrator but after the first time we used it I can't get off with that in front of him either.

He likes touching me and trying to get me off manually but he's terrible at it. He pushes waaay too hard despite the fact that my primary direction to him is "gentler". But also I don't know how to give him directions. Which is odd because I used to jack off all the time and I've had hundreds or thousands of orgasms in my lifetime, but when he's touching me I don't know what type of stimulation I need so I don't know how to tell him.

He's not that into going down on me which I was fine with because it didn't really do much for me when he tried it. The last time he did it I enjoyed it more though and got soaking wet so I can see maybe that's something I'd like us to try more.

And there are other things, like the fact that I feel we've barely explored my kinks. And that's a huge disappointment because I waited so long to have a sex partner and the only porn I read is nonconsent fantasy stuff but he's really not into that. I'm not into pain, I just like the control. We tried playing a blackmail scenario but he jumped straight to the sex and I need him to play it out, tease me more first. His idea of teasing me is rubbing my clit hard.
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So we need to have a talk about everything and I'm trying to figure out what to say. I don't want to say "I'm not satisfied with our sex life. These are the things that suck" and then provide him with a big long list. But I do have a long list of things that suck and I do really want to talk to him about all of them. I need us to address all of them and I'm happy and willing to address all the things he's dissatisfied about too.

Any recommendations on how to have this conversation?

TL;DR: How do I say "The sex sucks, which is why I never want to have it. Here are all the ways" without crushing his self-esteem?

 

[RuReal]

Break it up in stages and be open and honest.

Very few women get of from vaginal stimulation alone.

My wife needed tons of lube when we started and it has taken years to start using less and less the fact is that different bodies behave differently. She did not enjoy me going down on her at the start, but she enjoys it now.

Lots of this is growing and development he needs to grow up and understand that life is not a porn movie some couples have to work to sort it all out in the bedroom. The woman I dated before my wife we just clicked when it came to the bedroom.

Most couples do not talk enough so talking this out is a great thing.

 

[NippleMuncher]

You really only have three options, stay with him and continue as is, leave him and look for greener pastures, or TEACH him how to be a good lover.

To say nothing and continue down a path that is not enjoyable for you will only lead to your own heartache, despair, and eventually being fed up with a crappy lover.

Leaving is certainly an option, but you never know what you're going to find until you're "hip deep" in it again with someone else, who may or may not be any better. If your relationship is otherwise good, then the third option would be best for both of you.

Teach him how to be a good lover. If BOTH of you can not communicate openly, honestly, and learn from each other, then you have no business having sex. If he refuses to listen to your needs and learn new tricks, then run while you still can, your sex life and everything else will go downhill quickly if you don't. Don't wait until you resent him to walk away, do it now or teach him new tricks.

Something that occurs to me is that if he's got a big cock (and who doesn't ) he may think that is all he needs to be great in the sack, which is obviously a misconception. You need to initiate talking about your sex life with him outside the bedroom. Lay down some ground rules and let him know that you must have lube to even remotely enjoy the sex. He has to listen to you when you say "gentle", and you have to learn to give him guidance. I suspect your inability to guide him is more about being nervous telling him what to do. Again, it isn't going to get any better unless you start having these conversations with him and he listens and takes your needs to heart.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

 

[Mistress_Sheli]

Sometimes, it is difficult for a person who is used to masturbating to get off when someone else takes the reins. Think about it. You know EXACTLY what you want...what feels good...where and how to touch. After 7 months, he hasn't had time to learn how to touch you yet. You must be completely honest and open with him about what feels good to you. As far as the lube issue, as you become more accustomed to eachother and you start to enjoy sex with him more, that issue will rectify itself. Honesty is the KEY

 

[luvnmyboys]

talk, talk, talk... i'd sit down and discuss what you want and ask him what he wants. if there are things you want him to do differently, then give him direction in a positive way. don't say suck or hate or anything negative. tell him it would feel incredible if he did it this way. you may want to explain that lube makes it more enjoyable for you, that it isn't anything personal. maybe try a lube that provides a cooling or warming sensation. sometimes, i need a little something extra to help get me there and added sensation helps. it sounds like you are in a bit of a hurry trying to make up for lost time. my biggest advice is to relax. you are still fairly new to having sex and it may take some time and experimenting to figure out what you like. that's part of the fun of sex. you can teach him to be a great lover if you are comfortable telling me what you like and how you like it. i'd take it slow. keep talking about it and try to enjoy your journey.

 

[subwannabe]

You're not going to like what I have to say but you came here for advice and I'm going to throw in my two cents. For whatever reason, many young people, especially women, tend to think they have to stay in relationships. Women always think they can change men. If your boyfriend is open to learning then someone can teach him. My guess is, in his case, he probably isn't ever going to get to be where you want him, and if he ever does, it is going to be years down the road. You don't have to wait that long. The way it is supposed to work is you date several different people, maybe three, maybe five, maybe ten, maybe twenty, before you find Mr. Right. Trying to make this guy Mr. Right is going to be very frustrating for you, possibly for years and years. I really don't believe he is ever going to get to be at a point where you will be satisfied. Move on and find someone else.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

one avenue for opening up channels of communication is to share some stories together - read a story, or better yet, write a story together. explore his desires, fantasies, hang ups as well through fiction rather than the direct method. Writing a story with a lover is actually really hot and amazing for your sex life...

This is meant as just one of several avenues you can and should take to create a level of comfortableness with each other's sexuality.

Good luck and have fun!

 

[Lord Pmann]

I have a question... Are you on birth control?

My wife enjoys sex more since she's no longer on it. The need for lube is a rare occurrence. Also, her sex drive has increased too. She's more sensitive to stimulation as well.

Also, if your boyfriend is inexperienced at oral, that may be why you didn't like it. It's like cooking the first time and not doing a good job, so you assume eating isn't good. No, you just have to practice. Try things. Sex is all about experimentation.

 

[RuReal]

I have a question... Are you on birth control?

My wife enjoys sex more since she's no longer on it. The need for lube is a rare occurrence. Also, her sex drive has increased too. She's more sensitive to stimulation as well.

Also, if your boyfriend is inexperienced at oral, that may be why you didn't like it. It's like cooking the first time and not doing a good job, so you assume eating isn't good. No, you just have to practice. Try things. Sex is all about experimentation.

Good one on the birth control pills that changed huge with my wife when she stopped with that shit. As for the Oral thing I would not say that you would be amazed at how different people can be. I tend to find generalizations mess things up.

 

[EroticApology]

...without hurting him or making it sound like it's all his fault.

Hi. Thanks for letting me crash the forum. I don't know who to unload this on because I can't afford to see my shrink and the forum I used to visit closed and this is a bit more detailed than I get with my friends about my sex life. I've read Literotica for ages and thought hey, you all would know about sex.

So here we go:

I was a virgin until February but I've had a really high sex drive and used to masturbate all the time (one reason I'm so familiar with this site). Now I've been dating this guy for 8 months and we've been sexually active for 7 months. At first I thought the sex was unsatisfying because I was still getting used to intercourse. He has a really thick cock and doesn't come easily so he lasts usually 30 to 45 minutes. But now I'm a bit more used to it (which means if it's been at least 4 days since we last fucked it doesn't hurt/feel uncomfortable til near the end) and it's still not satisfying. I refuse to be one of those people who doesn't enjoy sex but I find myself avoiding it because it doesn't get me off and it hurts/is uncomfortable.

I tried buying a vibrating cock ring for him to wear (which felt excellent but doesn't get me all the way off), and ben wa balls (which I barely use so that is something I can work on), and lots of lube. The lube helps the most but he always seems bothered when I use it, like he's disappointed I'm not lubricated enough. So that makes me not insist on using it every time, so then the sex is more uncomfortable, so then I avoid having sex, so then he feels rejected.

I've tried masturbating with him but I can only rarely get off in front of him. This seems like it's because 1) masturbating in front of someone else is weird/different than by myself, and 2) masturbating/stimulating my clit while he's fucking me doesn't feel good, because having my legs that wide open is distracting and having him pistoning in and out is distracting. We tried using my vibrator but after the first time we used it I can't get off with that in front of him either.

He likes touching me and trying to get me off manually but he's terrible at it. He pushes waaay too hard despite the fact that my primary direction to him is "gentler". But also I don't know how to give him directions. Which is odd because I used to jack off all the time and I've had hundreds or thousands of orgasms in my lifetime, but when he's touching me I don't know what type of stimulation I need so I don't know how to tell him.

He's not that into going down on me which I was fine with because it didn't really do much for me when he tried it. The last time he did it I enjoyed it more though and got soaking wet so I can see maybe that's something I'd like us to try more.

And there are other things, like the fact that I feel we've barely explored my kinks. And that's a huge disappointment because I waited so long to have a sex partner and the only porn I read is nonconsent fantasy stuff but he's really not into that. I'm not into pain, I just like the control. We tried playing a blackmail scenario but he jumped straight to the sex and I need him to play it out, tease me more first. His idea of teasing me is rubbing my clit hard.
-------------
So we need to have a talk about everything and I'm trying to figure out what to say. I don't want to say "I'm not satisfied with our sex life. These are the things that suck" and then provide him with a big long list. But I do have a long list of things that suck and I do really want to talk to him about all of them. I need us to address all of them and I'm happy and willing to address all the things he's dissatisfied about to






Sounds like you need more mental and physical stimulation. You are able to masturbate without any problems because you're already mentally aroused. The stories you read having to do with control is more mental than physical. Its very common for an inexperienced man not to understand the difference. You should not have issues with discussing this with him because a man would feel more adequate knowing he has pleased his partner.

 

[bailadora]

You're not going to like what I have to say but you came here for advice and I'm going to throw in my two cents. For whatever reason, many young people, especially women, tend to think they have to stay in relationships. Women always think they can change men. If your boyfriend is open to learning then someone can teach him. My guess is, in his case, he probably isn't ever going to get to be where you want him, and if he ever does, it is going to be years down the road. You don't have to wait that long. The way it is supposed to work is you date several different people, maybe three, maybe five, maybe ten, maybe twenty, before you find Mr. Right. Trying to make this guy Mr. Right is going to be very frustrating for you, possibly for years and years. I really don't believe he is ever going to get to be at a point where you will be satisfied. Move on and find someone else.

Oh, FFS! Seriously?

Nowhere in her post do I read reluctance to learn or dismissal of her concerns on his part. In fact, given that she's here asking for advice on how to communicate with him without injuring his feelings, he might not even be aware of her dissatisfaction. I don't know of anyone who is a mind reader and problems can't be addressed if one partner is unaware that they even exist.

If she tries her best to communicate her concerns with him and he ignores her feelings or needs, THEN I'd say you'd be justified in offering the advice to get out. Until such time, I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

Quit

Quit having sex until and unless you can't do without it. If you aren't aroused to the point that you WANT IT NOW, don't participate. If that disappoints him, tough nookies. In other words, stop being used. You are a human being. You deserve respect and that means you do not EVER need to have sex for any reason other than your own desire. He's selfish and self-centered. It's your body and it deserves to be romanced, seduced, and treated preciously and tenderly. If sex is more fun by yourself than with him, you know exactly how to proceed.

 

[Lord Pmann]

You deserve respect and that means you do not EVER need to have sex for any reason other than your own desire.

I am certainly glad that My wife isn't like you. You don't see any time where you can see having sex for something other than your own desire? That's stupid. I've had sex before when I wasn't inthe mood to please my wife. And she's certainly done so for me. Just because both partners aren't foaming at the uglies doesn't mean you can't have sex. What a narrowminded view of sex. It's not just about your pleasure mate. There are two people in a partnership.

 

[subwannabe]

These are the clues I read (other than how terrible he is, which was mentioned several times):

"He likes touching me and trying to get me off manually but he's terrible at it. He pushes waaay too hard despite the fact that my primary direction to him is "gentler". "

"He's not that into going down on me"

"And there are other things, like the fact that I feel we've barely explored my kinks And that's a huge disappointment because I waited so long to have a sex partner and the only porn I read is nonconsent fantasy stuff but he's really not into that."




I still stand by my original post. People dump people all the time because they aren't any good at sex. I pointed out a few parts of her post where she has communicated a little already and he didn't respond or he just plain "isn't into that". She wants to explore her kinks more and he hasn't even passed sex 101 yet. She is never going to be happy with this guy, ever. Young women, and sometimes older ones too, just can't cut the cord and start over. For some reason they feel obligated to stay in a relationship where they are not happy. That's ridiculous unless you have signed on the dotted line and need to work things out if you can.

 

[123Josh]

Just tell him u enjoy fore play better than sex. That's how I am too. Some people like sex but are not "perverted" like you and i.

 

[bailadora]

These are the clues I read (other than how terrible he is, which was mentioned several times):

"He likes touching me and trying to get me off manually but he's terrible at it. He pushes waaay too hard despite the fact that my primary direction to him is "gentler". "

"He's not that into going down on me"

"And there are other things, like the fact that I feel we've barely explored my kinks And that's a huge disappointment because I waited so long to have a sex partner and the only porn I read is nonconsent fantasy stuff but he's really not into that."




I still stand by my original post. People dump people all the time because they aren't any good at sex. I pointed out a few parts of her post where she has communicated a little already and he didn't respond or he just plain "isn't into that". She wants to explore her kinks more and he hasn't even passed sex 101 yet. She is never going to be happy with this guy, ever. Young women, and sometimes older ones too, just can't cut the cord and start over. For some reason they feel obligated to stay in a relationship where they are not happy. That's ridiculous unless you have signed on the dotted line and need to work things out if you can.

You seemed to have missed a key point in her post: But also I don't know how to give him directions. So I stand by what *I* said - there is not sufficient information to cast him as the callous, selfish, disinterested bastard. None of us are born knowing how to be good lovers. It's a learned skill that takes time and patience. And even then, what rocks one person's world might leave another cold. Each time you get with someone new, the learning process starts all over again. Partners MUST learn to effectively communicate with each other in order to even begin to address problems. If you aren't able to clearly and effectively articulate your needs, it's quite likely this sort of problem will crop up over and over again, regardless of who you're with.

He may have not passed sex 101, but she's not exactly an expert herself (and OP, that's no slur on you). If they both truly care about each other and are committed to honest communication and improvement, positive change can occur. Hell, I've been with my lover over 23 years now and I'm STILL learning new things about him. The journey has been half the fun and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[SweetErika]

I think you should try to work with him and teach him what you enjoy. There are some great tips in The Blank Manual sticky near the top of the main How To forum page that you could use as a jumping off point. Even something as simple as tracing the alphabet and numbers on your clit with his well-lubed finger (make sure you stress being gentle in that sensitive area up front; maybe even ask him to always start as lightly/gently as possible, and you'll let him know if you need him to gradually increase the pressure) or his tongue can be a great learning experience on which motions work best.

Something else that's coming to mind is a book a few guys on here have recommended. It's called "She Comes First" and because it was available as an ebook via my library system, I checked it out and found it to be excellent. My husband isn't a self-help book kind of guy, but even he enjoyed the author's style and we both picked up some tips. I think reading a book like that together is the best way to go; then you two can discuss what you think, point out ideas that appeal to you, etc. There are lots of positive ways you can suggest something like that; since I just told you about it, telling your bf you read/heard it was a good read with an odd title and thought it might be worth checking out for your mutual pleasure wouldn't even be a white lie.

However, I also believe there is such a thing as fundamental sexual incompatibility. Your guy may be a perfect match for a woman who primarily gets off on intercourse, loves thick cocks, doesn't care about oral and has more traditional fantasies. Those women exist, although they're pretty rare. Likewise, an ideal match for you might be someone who's more into foreplay, maybe more experienced and definitely more openminded. Hopefully you can work to bridge the gap with your current partner, but I think subwannabe's point is it's perfectly healthy to explore your options and seek someone who's more compatible. It's probably even smart because you certainly don't want to feel like you're dying to see who might be a better match for you a year or ten down the road with a partner who's not so compatible!

So definitely try to make it work with education, guidance and feedback, but if it doesn't (or he's not eager to learn/grow/be openminded, which is a huge red flag for your relationship in general), don't hesitate to move on and see who else is out there in safe, smart ways. You didn't mention what the rest of your relationship is like, but I might propose waiting longer than a month to have sex with future partners as a general guideline. Having sex too early on can color your perceptions of reality, lead you to make not-so-great decisions and really impact the course of the relationship. It's just some food for thought.

 

[silverwhisper]

lyrric: i don't know how old your bf is but if he's had much sexual experience--and this really does make a difference--he might think because he's got a big dick that all he has to do is show up. he might also think that emulating what he sees in pron is a great idea.

he's wrong in both counts.

1) he's big, so the fact that lube is necessary is non-negotiable. you can play this as "look, you're fucking enormous. i'm not. if you want mr happy to get happy, lube has to be part of the equation".

2) if he doesn't like lube he better learn what foreplay is.

and as to how to break it to him? in all honesty, if he isn't fucking listening to you--the person into whose pants he wants to get more--show him this thread. you say that you don't want to make it sound like it's his fault but the fact of the matter is that it really is.

he sounds like a very inexperienced--and hence, selfish--lover. if he ever gets the foreplay thing down, he'll probably be great with that kind of stamina.

but that clearly isn't the case today.

ed

 

[subwannabe]

I think Erika did a good job of expanding on my train of thought. I have often posted words of encouragement to communicate more in relationships but I am also not afraid to give my honest assessment when certain relationships just seem to be doomed and are a waste of time. She doesn't really have much time invested in this relationship, it has been bad sexually from the getgo (even after some minor communication), and she seems to be very sexual and wants to experiment with kink and she is in a fairly short term relationship with a guy who doesn't like to go down on her and he's not really into the nonconsent fantasy stuff - which is the road she would like to go down. It's very doubtful that he is going to change in those two areas, at least not to the degree where he will ever be into it enough to satisfy her. The way dating is supposed to work is you date someone, and if it doesn't look like things are going well enough to continue then you dump the person and start over. You're not supposed to marry your first date and work on the relationship.

 

[bailadora]

I think Erika did a good job of expanding on my train of thought. I have often posted words of encouragement to communicate more in relationships but I am also not afraid to give my honest assessment when certain relationships just seem to be doomed and are a waste of time.

Nor am I. No sense in beating one's head against the wall if your partner is unwilling to work with you. However, more often than not, I read more pessimism in your posts than encouragement: dump the bastard, he's never going to change, you're never going to be happy, yada, yada, yada - when, IMHO, sufficient evidence has not been presented that such drastic measurements are necessary.

 

[Edensgarden]

Oh, FFS! Seriously?

Nowhere in her post do I read reluctance to learn or dismissal of her concerns on his part. In fact, given that she's here asking for advice on how to communicate with him without injuring his feelings, he might not even be aware of her dissatisfaction. I don't know of anyone who is a mind reader and problems can't be addressed if one partner is unaware that they even exist.

If she tries her best to communicate her concerns with him and he ignores her feelings or needs, THEN I'd say you'd be justified in offering the advice to get out. Until such time, I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

I'm agreeing with you on this one. I've read through this entire thread and am really surprised at all the boyfriend bashing going on.

He is OP's first lover. Years of masturbating doesn't suddenly make her a sexpert. She's stated she has problems communicating to him what she likes and needs....that's understandable and will come with experience and being comfortable with her own body. It sounds to me he's unaware she's not enjoying it as opposed to not caring about her needs. Does he realize she isn't having orgasms during sex? Is she faking having an O by chance?

Was he a virgin prior to her or very inexperienced as well? Maybe his not wanting to go down on her is due to inexperience as opposed to not liking it. It may intimidate him if he is unsure how to please her. She stated she didn't even know if she liked oral sex at first, so she definitely wouldn't be communicating with him on this as how to pleasure her.

To the OP - I think it is wonderful that you recognize there are areas you as well may need improvement in. Do you go down on him? How experienced are you in this area? Maybe you could use this as a conversation starter. He obviously knows you were a virgin prior to him. Why not ask him if there are things you could be doing differently? Ask him what you could improve on to make him feel more pleasure? If you start the conversation focusing on yourself, then maybe it will be easy to slip into talking about what you need as well.

Good luck.

 

[culloden]

Have you tried different positions? From your post, it sounds like missionary all the time. Perhaps you would be more comfortable and have more control riding cowgirl?