Ending violence against women: Resources for you or loved ones

[wynterskies1]

I just had a great conversation with a great guy about ending violence against women and I want to share some information with people.

Remember that some men are victims of domestic violence, too. Although, most victims of domestic violence are women and children. 1 in 3 women faces violence in her lifetime.

Here's a website with resources for getting help yourself or helping an abuse victim: http://feminist.org/911/crisis.html

This is the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Here is their website: http://www.thehotline.org/

Information on domestic/global violence against women: http://www.amnestyusa.org/our-work/...inst-women/violence-against-women-information

Information on domestic violence: http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf

This website might help anyone you or anyone you know if abuse is a problem in your community. Caution: There are a couple of religious references. I'm not religious, but most of the advice is the same advice you can find on any non-religious site about domestic violence. This is an area of speciality for me, so I can say that even non-religious people can use all of these points.
It's a really good source for teaching people how to recognize abuse and help to stop it. Please see the website: http://www.roarforfreedom.com/helping-a-domestic-violence-victim/

Here are some things from the website:
- Listen to her story and validate her feelings. Even if you know her husband and can’t believe he would do what she is telling you, keep an open mind and give her an opportunity to tell her story.
- Be aware that she may not see herself as an “abused woman.” Let her know that abuse of any kind is wrong, and name the behavior for what it is without verbally attacking the abuser.
- Acknowledge her bravery and courage in breaking the silence and seeking help. Realize that she may feel like she is betraying her husband by talking about the abuse. Help her understand she has done the right thing for the whole family to seek help.
- Assess her level of safety by asking questions about what is currently going on and what abuse has taken place in the past. Ask her to describe her husband’s behavior in various scenarios.
- Be supportive, but do not tell her what to do. Give her options that will help her make decisions for herself. If she decides to go to a shelter, call a crisis hotline, or make other arrangements to leave, give her the phone number and let her make the call herself. This allows her to be responsible for her own decisions. Exception: In a crisis when she is in danger, take action to help her get to safety.
- Keep your conversation confidential, and DO NOT contact the abuser to tell him you have been talking to his wife (unless she gives you permission to do so). If he contacts you, DO NOT divulge any information, especially if she has been taken to a safe location. You could endanger her life!
- Never advise a woman to return home to work things out with her abuser if she has been physically battered or if her life has been threatened. You will place her in greater harm!
- If the victim chooses to return home against your advice, make sure she knows how to contact you if she needs help. Find out when it would be okay for you to call and find out how she is doing. Don’t try to force her into making a decision she is not ready to make.
- Realize that you have only heard a part of the story. Don’t minimize the seriousness of the situation just because the victim appears to be strong and brave, or because you can’t believe her husband would act that way. Ask questions and be an attentive listener as the story unfolds.
- Don’t spend much time deciding who provoked whom. When you see dynamics of fear and control at work in the marriage, it is the abusive behavior that must be confronted.
- Never counsel the abuser and victim together. It puts the victim in more danger and gives the abuser more power. Most victims will not feel free to talk about what is really going on in the home if the abuser is sitting next to her. He will try to control the conversation and intimidate the victim with words or a look that lets her know she should keep her mouth shut if she knows what’s good for her.
- Marriage counseling does not work in domestic violence situations.
- Anger management classes do not work in domestic violence situations. The abuser may learn how to divert his anger from physical abuse to verbal or emotional abuse, but unless his opinions about women and feelings of entitlement are changed, he will repeat his behavior.
- If the abuser is a member of your church [my edit: or any other organization] and wants to meet with you, do so in a location where he will not come into contact with his wife.
- Do not expect him to admit being abusive. He may suggest his wife is mentally unstable and demonstrate a false concern about her mental health. He will minimize his behavior or blame his actions on his wife’s behavior.
- Refer the victim and abuser to professionals who are experienced with domestic violence issues. Don’t try to deal with the problem alone.
- Don’t fall for the abuser’s claim that he has changed, even if he does admit being abusive. He may claim a conversion experience, and even if it is real, he should still be held accountable for his actions. An apology, tears, promises, or a religious experience does not eliminate the need for maintaining safety until the change can be verified by time and professional counselors.
- Do not encourage reconciliation too soon. In the case of physical abuse, safety is the priority. If the abuser has truly changed and wants to do whatever is necessary to restore the marriage, he will be willing to wait as long as it takes to prove himself and rebuild trust.
Statements of Affirmation To The Victim:
- You are not alone.
- Abuse is wrong. It is not your fault.
- You did not deserve being hit.
- You are not responsible for his behavior.
- You have a right to see your family.
- No one deserves to be talked to that way.
- Your first responsibility is to protect yourself and your children.
- God [my edit: or whatever you believe in] does not condone abuse. He wants you to be safe.
- God [my edit: or whatever you believe in] will not abandon you regardless of your choices.
[my edit: Just a reminder, you DON'T have to be religious/believe in anything to get help with these resources. The last resource has some religious references, but the hotlines are non-partisan, so religious and non-religious people alike are welcome at all these resources. It's for everyone.]

 

[Recidiva]

My edit: Men sleep. If they hit you, make sure they don't wake up.

 

[dolf]

spam with a conscience?

 

[Recidiva]

spam with a conscience?

I think it's more missionary work. Going into the deep dark recesses of the internet and saving the obviously depraved.

 

[Saint Peter]

I am now fearful of spending the night with Reci.

 

[dolf]

what if we want a bit of abuse?

 

[wynterskies1]

spam with a conscience?

No, just trying to reach out to other women who grew up around domestic violence. I've met lots of people on Lit who survived domestic violence as children or in relationships.

This is the general board, so we can post about anything. I think the spam is in all of the racist posts that people make.

 

[Saint Peter]

Spend the night with Reci.

 

[Recidiva]

I am now fearful of spending the night with Reci.

Just don't hit me and it wouldn't be a problem.

I'd leave first. I understand that there are those that make it hard to leave and then stalk. Those are the guys that would need to worry.

 

[wynterskies1]

what if we want a bit of abuse?

Consensual BDSM is just fine! That's not what the hotline or this post is about, though. The hotline and web info is for people who need help getting away from abusive people or for friends/family who want to help an abuse victim.

 

[Recidiva]

No, just trying to reach out to other women who grew up around domestic violence. I've met lots of people on Lit who survived domestic violence as children or in relationships.

This is the general board, so we can post about anything. I think the spam is in all of the racist posts that people make.

I think men get abused a lot, as much as women if not more. They just won't report it because for a woman it gets her sympathy, for a man, it gets him more abuse.

 

[Bert Notorius]

Consensual BDSM is just fine! That's not what the hotline or this post is about, though. The hotline and web info is for people who need help getting away from abusive people or for friends/family who want to help an abuse victim.

tits or gtfo.

 

[Saint Peter]

Just don't hit me and it wouldn't be a problem.

I'd leave first. I understand that there are those that make it hard to leave and then stalk. Those are the guys that would need to worry.

I am a lover, not a hitter.

 

[Recidiva]

I am a lover, not a hitter.

It was my dad that taught me to fight and stand up for myself. Not my mom.

 

[wynterskies1]

I think men get abused a lot, as much as women if not more. They just won't report it because for a woman it gets her sympathy, for a man, it gets him more abuse.

Men can be victims of domestic violence, too. However, I have friends who work with abuse victims and most of them are women and children. 1 in every 3 women is abused at some time in her life. The resources for women are poor because there's still a lot of victim-blaming, so there's not as much sympathy as you think. Sometimes, the police even ignore reports for help and blame the woman.

 

[Saint Peter]

It was my dad that taught me to fight and stand up for myself. Not my mom.

The school yard taught me a similar lesson.

I have never been abused. I have never hit a woman. Going there is unimaginable.

 

[wynterskies1]

It was my dad that taught me to fight and stand up for myself. Not my mom.

That's pretty common because women aren't taught to be tough and confrontational like men, so your mom was probably never taught to be strong and wouldn't have known how to teach you. I think things are changing a little in some parts of the world, though. In my family, both women and men taught me to be strong.

 

[Recidiva]

Men can be victims of domestic violence, too. However, I have friends who work with abuse victims and most of them are women and children. 1 in every 3 women is abused at some time in her life. The resources for women are poor because there's still a lot of victim-blaming, so there's not as much sympathy as you think. Sometimes, the police even ignore reports for help and blame the woman.

Men don't seek support or treatment. Most of the violence done in the world is male on male.

I support men and women getting outside help. I also support them walking out on the violence. In the end, though, men do and take the most damage as far as physical abuse goes.

Women win on emotional abuse.

There are loads of resources for women. When's the last time someone proposed a battered men's shelter? Oh right...those are called "prisons" and "armies."

 

[Recidiva]

The school yard taught me a similar lesson.

I have never been abused. I have never hit a woman. Going there is unimaginable.

I've hit lots of women and lots of men in practice in martial arts classes.

The not hitting women thing bugs me. I could kick your ass, but I get a pass because...why?

My judo classes wouldn't allow me to compete with guys, though I could mop the floor with them in practice.

 

[Recidiva]

That's pretty common because women aren't taught to be tough and confrontational like men, so your mom was probably never taught to be strong and wouldn't have known how to teach you. I think things are changing a little in some parts of the world, though. In my family, both women and men taught me to be strong.

Women were taught to deceive men and seek their favor. That doesn't make them morally superior. I just chose not to play stupid and weak and find someone to wrap around my finger on the basis of my beauty and ability to manipulate.

It's bitten women in the ass. Men's strategies have also bitten them in the ass. It takes an individual choice to not be a dumbass when presented with social teachings.

 

[wynterskies1]

Men don't seek support or treatment. Most of the violence done in the world is male on male.

I support men and women getting outside help. I also support them walking out on the violence. In the end, though, men do and take the most damage as far as physical abuse goes.

Women win on emotional abuse.

There are loads of resources for women. When's the last time someone proposed a battered men's shelter? Oh right...those are called "prisons" and "armies."

Statistically, this is wrong. Even in war, there is at least equal violence done against women because rape is used as a weapon of war and because of civilian casualties.

There are battered men's shelters, they're just rare. That's sad and needs to be changed because boys and men need these kinds of shelters, too.

Men face domestic violence, too. However, the kind of violence that I'm talking about is the sexual violence and physical abuse that most women face at some time in their lives. Like I said, 1 in 3 women face domestic violence at the hands of men in their lives. Most women know the person who abuses them, so it's not usually random street violence (although, that happens a lot, too).

The things you're saying about emotional abuse vs. physical abuse we know now to be stereotypes. Women can also be physically abusive, and male abusers don't always use physical violence. Lots of male abusers are only verbally and emotionally abusive, but that's still abuse and illegal.

It's not usually so easy for women to walk away from an abusive relationship. Most of them are too afraid and brainwashed to think they can leave, or their male partners THREATEN TO KILL THEM if they do. That's a crucial thing to keep in mind. If you've never been in a situation where you fear for your life or for your kids' or pets' lives, you shouldn't judge.

 

[Recidiva]

Statistically, this is wrong. Even in war, there is at least equal violence done against women because rape is used as a weapon of war and because of civilian casualties.

There are battered men's shelters, they're just rare. That's sad and needs to be changed because boys and men need these kinds of shelters, too.

Men face domestic violence, too. However, the kind of violence that I'm talking about is the sexual violence and physical abuse that most women face at some time in their lives. Like I said, 1 in 3 women face domestic violence at the hands of men in their lives. Most women know the person who abuses them, so it's not usually random street violence (although, that happens a lot, too).

The things you're saying about emotional abuse vs. physical abuse we know now to be stereotypes. Women can also be physically abusive, and male abusers don't always use physical violence. Lots of male abusers are only verbally and emotionally abusive, but that's still abuse and illegal.

It's not usually so easy for women to walk away from an abusive relationship. Most of them are too afraid and brainwashed to think they can leave, or their male partners THREATEN TO KILL THEM if they do. That's a crucial thing to keep in mind. If you've never been in a situation where you fear for your life or for your kids' or pets' lives, you shouldn't judge.

Ma'am...you're an idiot. Well meaning or not, you are a victim factory.

 

[wynterskies1]

Women were taught to deceive men and seek their favor. That doesn't make them morally superior. I just chose not to play stupid and weak and find someone to wrap around my finger on the basis of my beauty and ability to manipulate.

It's bitten women in the ass. Men's strategies have also bitten them in the ass. It takes an individual choice to not be a dumbass when presented with social teachings.

This is just victim-blaming. Women don't stay in abusive relationships because they're "weak" or have failed to be "manipulative". They stay because they fear for their lives or because they have nowhere else to go.

I grew up around this kind of thing and I know how abusive men threaten women and beat them (verbally and physically) into submission. Abuse wears the victim down and they start to believe their abuser. The abuser does everything they can to convince their victim that the victim isn't worthy of anything better. Psychological abuse and verbal abuse are just a much a part of men's manipulative abuse as it is when women are abusers.

 

[wynterskies1]

Originally Posted by wynterskies1
[Statistically, this is wrong. Even in war, there is at least equal violence done against women because rape is used as a weapon of war and because of civilian casualties.

There are battered men's shelters, they're just rare. That's sad and needs to be changed because boys and men need these kinds of shelters, too.

Men face domestic violence, too. However, the kind of violence that I'm talking about is the sexual violence and physical abuse that most women face at some time in their lives. Like I said, 1 in 3 women face domestic violence at the hands of men in their lives. Most women know the person who abuses them, so it's not usually random street violence (although, that happens a lot, too).

The things you're saying about emotional abuse vs. physical abuse we know now to be stereotypes. Women can also be physically abusive, and male abusers don't always use physical violence. Lots of male abusers are only verbally and emotionally abusive, but that's still abuse and illegal.

It's not usually so easy for women to walk away from an abusive relationship. Most of them are too afraid and brainwashed to think they can leave, or their male partners THREATEN TO KILL THEM if they do. That's a crucial thing to keep in mind. If you've never been in a situation where you fear for your life or for your kids' or pets' lives, you shouldn't judge.]
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posted by Recidiva:
Ma'am...you're an idiot. Well meaning or not, you are a victim factory.

-----------
wynterskies1:
I'm just not blaming the victims for being victimized. There are reasons why they are afraid to leave and I don't blame them for that. I know they can get help and that they're strong, but abuse wears a person down so that they don't know how strong they are.

If you've never been abused, don't judge the victims. You don't know what we've been through.

 

[Recidiva]

This is just victim-blaming. Women don't stay in abusive relationships because they're "weak" or have failed to be "manipulative". They stay because they fear for their lives or because they have nowhere else to go.

I grew up around this kind of thing and I know how abusive men threaten women and beat them (verbally and physically) into submission. Abuse wears the victim down and they start to believe their abuser. The abuser does everything they can to convince their victim that the victim isn't worthy of anything better. Psychological abuse and verbal abuse are just a much a part of men's manipulative abuse as it is when women are abusers.

Life is hard. Get a helmet.