dilemma, unable get off with someone. advice?

[embers02]

i normally will never speak of this, however a forum seems the best place to get honest advice on a relatively "anonymous" basis.

i will be the first person to admit this is fucked up. i'm 28 years old with a lifetime history of abuse in almost every possible area. my childhood was traumatic & paved the way for most of my adulthood to be that way.
the only exceptions to my life, thanfully, have been never being sexually abused as a child & never getting involved in substance abuse. -whew-

i suppose, the only way this issue of mine will even be remotely understandable to people is if i, kinda reluctantly, explain a little. :/

my first bf, first time ever, resulted in a rather nasty date rape that i tried to bury for years & never spoke of. i've dated multiple violent men, & men who treated me with complete disregard, probably out of the fact that it's what i've been used to. after a more recent 2nd rape that left me with visible physical scars from a knife, i just swore off men until i could heal emotionally & physically & get some space for myself, figure out what i want so i can have a healthy relationship..
i'm a lot better than i was & after some reflection & a lot of self-analysis, i've realized that most of my fantasies & turn-ons have shaped by these experiences since i've known little else & it's left me with a significant dilemma, all fantasies aside...

i've never been able to climax with a man. ever. i don't even know where to begin, how to get there, or if i will ever get there. i'm simply too screwed up physically & mentally in combination for my body to build up & let go. advice on this subject?
i consider myself only a potential disappointment for men in that respect. i enjoy sex. love it. however, i know they have a tendency to feel let down by the end result on my part, even if i explain that i don't mind in the least. sex is all good fun until the end when they wonder why they "failed". i hate that they assume that, since it's something that i never think.

i don't know how to approach that subject with someone, nor do i ever want to explain it because of what he might think & the embarrassment on my part. i have a hard enough time "explaining away" the scars when they are noticed.
no one should ever have to know that or have that in their head, with the clear exception of myself.

can anyone relate at all or does anyone have any advice that might help? i want to be able to acheive that with a man so much, but i don't know how or if i ever can.
would it ever be enough for a man if that never happened with me? or would he always feel unsatisfied/inadequate?
& how do u make someone understand without totally freaking them out with the why's & how's of the situation?

any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated. i've never broached this topic before & can't seem to figure it out by myself.
thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time!

 

[rosco rathbone]

tets oot

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

i normally will never speak of this, however a forum seems the best place to get honest advice on a relatively "anonymous" basis.

i will be the first person to admit this is fucked up. i'm 28 years old with a lifetime history of abuse in almost every possible area. my childhood was traumatic & paved the way for most of my adulthood to be that way.
the only exceptions to my life, thanfully, have been never being sexually abused as a child & never getting involved in substance abuse. -whew-

i suppose, the only way this issue of mine will even be remotely understandable to people is if i, kinda reluctantly, explain a little. :/

my first bf, first time ever, resulted in a rather nasty date rape that i tried to bury for years & never spoke of. i've dated multiple violent men, & men who treated me with complete disregard, probably out of the fact that it's what i've been used to. after a more recent 2nd rape that left me with visible physical scars from a knife, i just swore off men until i could heal emotionally & physically & get some space for myself, figure out what i want so i can have a healthy relationship..
i'm a lot better than i was & after some reflection & a lot of self-analysis, i've realized that most of my fantasies & turn-ons have shaped by these experiences since i've known little else & it's left me with a significant dilemma, all fantasies aside...

i've never been able to climax with a man. ever. i don't even know where to begin, how to get there, or if i will ever get there. i'm simply too screwed up physically & mentally in combination for my body to build up & let go. advice on this subject?
i consider myself only a potential disappointment for men in that respect. i enjoy sex. love it. however, i know they have a tendency to feel let down by the end result on my part, even if i explain that i don't mind in the least. sex is all good fun until the end when they wonder why they "failed". i hate that they assume that, since it's something that i never think.

i don't know how to approach that subject with someone, nor do i ever want to explain it because of what he might think & the embarrassment on my part. i have a hard enough time "explaining away" the scars when they are noticed.
no one should ever have to know that or have that in their head, with the clear exception of myself.

can anyone relate at all or does anyone have any advice that might help? i want to be able to acheive that with a man so much, but i don't know how or if i ever can.
would it ever be enough for a man if that never happened with me? or would he always feel unsatisfied/inadequate?
& how do u make someone understand without totally freaking them out with the why's & how's of the situation?

any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated. i've never broached this topic before & can't seem to figure it out by myself.
thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time!

Insecure men are bothered by it, but your average chauvinist pig cant care less...any port in a storm, we say!

 

[kbate]

See a therapist who specialises in Sexual relations if you actually care.

But, men are morons, just fake it and get yours after the sod falls asleep.

 

[embers02]

See a therapist who specialises in Sexual relations if you actually care.

i have had counseling, but it's something i prefer not to dwell or talk about much & only want to move forward. nobody can help me more than i can help myself in the end, but a discussion board seemed like a good place for my questions.

But, men are morons, just fake it and get yours after the sod falls asleep.

that's not typically my view & not really the point. i hate the idea of doing that, but i suppose it would satify some haha

ty!

 

[Soulen]

be honest. don't fuck a guy until you know whether he is a guy you would be able to say anything to or not. if he isn't, toss him. if he is, tell him everything. if you hold on to your secrets for ever, you will eventually find the tables have turned. they will no longer be your secrets. you will be their secret. the more your experiences own you, the further away from your true self and any other human being you give a shit about you will find yourself.

 

[embers02]

Insecure men are bothered by it, but your average chauvinist pig cant care less...any port in a storm, we say!

you've got a good point on the insecurity, but chauvenism is something i don't plan on putting up with.

 

[kbate]

i have had counseling, but it's something i prefer not to dwell or talk about much & only want to move forward. nobody can help me more than i can help myself in the end, but a discussion board seemed like a good place for my questions.

Truthfully, a discussion board is a poor place to get real answers. I have no answers outside of sarcasm and humour for relations with men because I do not have sexual relations with men. Few members of the General Board will attempt to do anything but insult you based on your opening post, they cannot help it, they believe that they are smart if they can call you dumb.

If you cannot speak to a counselor about this, then you will find it difficult to fix the problem, if indeed it can be fixed. The entire point of counseling is to develop a level of trust with the therapist which lets you speak of anything without reservation. If you cannot establish that trust, you are wasting your money and time with that particular counselor.

It is just as possible that trust is the problem and you have to learn to find a way to trust people. That is the disease that comes from abuse - trust is lost.

 

[Saint Peter]

I wish I had a pussy.

 

[kbate]

I wish I had a pussy.

Buy a kitten. Laurel will smile.

 

[embers02]

be honest. don't fuck a guy until you know whether he is a guy you would be able to say anything to or not. if he isn't, toss him. if he is, tell him everything. if you hold on to your secrets for ever, you will eventually find the tables have turned. they will no longer be your secrets. you will be their secret. the more your experiences own you, the further away from your true self and any other human being you give a shit about you will find yourself.

i suppose it all comes down to an understanding person with a good heart. but aren't those conversations kind of mood killers? that's what i've always been told. good points. being careful really is important to me.

 

[Saint Peter]

Buy a kitten. Laurel will smile.

I have a few of those. The dog thinks they are fun.

 

[Recidiva]

Are you attracted to men? Can you climax with masturbation?

 

[embers02]

Buy a kitten. Laurel will smile.

those make me sneeze lol. i want a kitten. <3

 

[embers02]

Are you attracted to men? Can you climax with masturbation?

only men. so many women seem to have interests in other women, but for some reason, i'm not among those.
i can, but it's with someone that really matters to me.

 

[Wings]

i suppose it all comes down to an understanding person with a good heart. but aren't those conversations kind of mood killers? that's what i've always been told. good points. being careful really is important to me.

You should probably never have a conversation like this in the middle of sex. This is a conversation you have at a quiet time when you're both clothed. Any person who cares about you will want to help you feel satisfied. If you can't talk about this with a partner you shouldn't be bumping uglies with them.

It's the same as protection and history of diseases. You don't wait until you're naked to discuss it you do it long before anyone shucks their pants.

 

[Recidiva]

only men. so many women seem to have interests in other women, but for some reason, i'm not among those.
i can, but it's with someone that really matters to me.

Okay. Why don't you try masturbating with him and go from there?

 

[embers02]

Truthfully, a discussion board is a poor place to get real answers. I have no answers outside of sarcasm and humour for relations with men because I do not have sexual relations with men. Few members of the General Board will attempt to do anything but insult you based on your opening post, they cannot help it, they believe that they are smart if they can call you dumb.

If you cannot speak to a counselor about this, then you will find it difficult to fix the problem, if indeed it can be fixed. The entire point of counseling is to develop a level of trust with the therapist which lets you speak of anything without reservation. If you cannot establish that trust, you are wasting your money and time with that particular counselor.

It is just as possible that trust is the problem and you have to learn to find a way to trust people. That is the disease that comes from abuse - trust is lost.

some of that is prob true. even a post a message board about this gives me anxiety.
lol well, if all someone can do is crack an insult, their comments aren't worth beans.

 

[embers02]

You should probably never have a conversation like this in the middle of sex. This is a conversation you have at a quiet time when you're both clothed. Any person who cares about you will want to help you feel satisfied. If you can't talk about this with a partner you shouldn't be bumping uglies with them.

It's the same as protection and history of diseases. You don't wait until you're naked to discuss it you do it long before anyone shucks their pants.

i agree.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Truthfully, a discussion board is a poor place to get real answers. I have no answers outside of sarcasm and humour for relations with men because I do not have sexual relations with men. Few members of the General Board will attempt to do anything but insult you based on your opening post, they cannot help it, they believe that they are smart if they can call you dumb.

If you cannot speak to a counselor about this, then you will find it difficult to fix the problem, if indeed it can be fixed. The entire point of counseling is to develop a level of trust with the therapist which lets you speak of anything without reservation. If you cannot establish that trust, you are wasting your money and time with that particular counselor.

It is just as possible that trust is the problem and you have to learn to find a way to trust people. That is the disease that comes from abuse - trust is lost.

I was a therapist forever, and much of your post is poppycock. Trust has nuthin to do with it. Your therapist aint your Ma or Pa.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You should probably never have a conversation like this in the middle of sex. This is a conversation you have at a quiet time when you're both clothed. Any person who cares about you will want to help you feel satisfied. If you can't talk about this with a partner you shouldn't be bumping uglies with them.

It's the same as protection and history of diseases. You don't wait until you're naked to discuss it you do it long before anyone shucks their pants.

Youve obviously never stuck your nose in a stinky vagina.

 

[embers02]

Youve obviously never stuck your nose in a stinky vagina.

LMFAO

 

[Wings]

Youve obviously never stuck your nose in a stinky vagina.

Hmm. Well I've never had a partner that doesn't like to clean her bits before I put my mouth there, no.

Maybe I date cleaner women than you do?

 

[dogwatch]

i suppose it all comes down to an understanding person with a good heart. but aren't those conversations kind of mood killers? that's what i've always been told. good points. being careful really is important to me.

Don't start this conversation just as he is putting on his condom. You need to plan ahead.

 

[dolf]

i normally will never speak of this, however a forum seems the best place to get honest advice on a relatively "anonymous" basis.

i will be the first person to admit this is fucked up. i'm 28 years old with a lifetime history of abuse in almost every possible area. my childhood was traumatic & paved the way for most of my adulthood to be that way.
the only exceptions to my life, thanfully, have been never being sexually abused as a child & never getting involved in substance abuse. -whew-

i suppose, the only way this issue of mine will even be remotely understandable to people is if i, kinda reluctantly, explain a little. :/

my first bf, first time ever, resulted in a rather nasty date rape that i tried to bury for years & never spoke of. i've dated multiple violent men, & men who treated me with complete disregard, probably out of the fact that it's what i've been used to. after a more recent 2nd rape that left me with visible physical scars from a knife, i just swore off men until i could heal emotionally & physically & get some space for myself, figure out what i want so i can have a healthy relationship..
i'm a lot better than i was & after some reflection & a lot of self-analysis, i've realized that most of my fantasies & turn-ons have shaped by these experiences since i've known little else & it's left me with a significant dilemma, all fantasies aside...

i've never been able to climax with a man. ever. i don't even know where to begin, how to get there, or if i will ever get there. i'm simply too screwed up physically & mentally in combination for my body to build up & let go. advice on this subject?
i consider myself only a potential disappointment for men in that respect. i enjoy sex. love it. however, i know they have a tendency to feel let down by the end result on my part, even if i explain that i don't mind in the least. sex is all good fun until the end when they wonder why they "failed". i hate that they assume that, since it's something that i never think.

i don't know how to approach that subject with someone, nor do i ever want to explain it because of what he might think & the embarrassment on my part. i have a hard enough time "explaining away" the scars when they are noticed.
no one should ever have to know that or have that in their head, with the clear exception of myself.

can anyone relate at all or does anyone have any advice that might help? i want to be able to acheive that with a man so much, but i don't know how or if i ever can.
would it ever be enough for a man if that never happened with me? or would he always feel unsatisfied/inadequate?
& how do u make someone understand without totally freaking them out with the why's & how's of the situation?

any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated. i've never broached this topic before & can't seem to figure it out by myself.
thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time!

deja vu!!


that's spookily like my own story & fuck up.

as for advice? i got's nothing!

good luck, girly