Swinging and new relationship?

[WomanInProgress]

Hi there everybody,

This is my first thread here, but as I've read many very helpful advices here I'd like to ask some advice myself.

I'm in a pretty new relationship of about 4 months with a man who is very much into swinging.

I've only had the good old 3somes in previous relationships, but am very interested in trying swinging.

The thing is, after reading up on the issue, pros and cons and possible consequences for the relationship, I'm not sure if it is wise to venture into that one yet.

He is not pushing the issue at all, basically leaving it up to me, but I'm excited by the idea of trying it out and none of my previous partners was up to it.

Considering the fact that the relationship is brand new and reading up on the issue all you see is that it is only advisable in "stable", "established" etc relationships, but this is all referring to long standing relationships that have been monogamous so far.

I'm wondering if it is ok to go ahead now with trying it or waiting?

Hoping for some input here from people who have been in a similar situation.

Thanks in advance for any advice/ideas you put out there.

 

[blksoldier]

Hi there everybody,

This is my first thread here, but as I've read many very helpful advices here I'd like to ask some advice myself.

I'm in a pretty new relationship of about 4 months with a man who is very much into swinging.

I've only had the good old 3somes in previous relationships, but am very interested in trying swinging.

The thing is, after reading up on the issue, pros and cons and possible consequences for the relationship, I'm not sure if it is wise to venture into that one yet.

He is not pushing the issue at all, basically leaving it up to me, but I'm excited by the idea of trying it out and none of my previous partners was up to it.

Considering the fact that the relationship is brand new and reading up on the issue all you see is that it is only advisable in "stable", "established" etc relationships, but this is all referring to long standing relationships that have been monogamous so far.

I'm wondering if it is ok to go ahead now with trying it or waiting?

Hoping for some input here from people who have been in a similar situation.

Thanks in advance for any advice/ideas you put out there.

I feel that you have to be comfortable with yourself, if is something that you really want to try it then go for it but communication is key to success in any relationship this is something you can't read up on this is life there is no directions.

 

[Goey]

Personally I think 4 months are far to early. I mean in the first year all couples do pretty much is fuck (well that's what we did) so I'd wait.

Give it a year (if not 2) at least.

 

[subwannabe]

Womaninprogress:

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that that rule of thumb really is meant to apply to a very serious long term relationship. The reason that is, is because if you aren't in a rock solid relationship then this could tear your relationship apart. Being in a fairly new relationship I'm guessing this person is not really yet your "significant other" and that so far you don't have wedding bells ringing in your mind and wondering if your first name and his last name sound good together. You are basically in the dating new boyfriend phase and you're not thinking long term at this point. So, since you are interested anyway, I really don't see any reason not to go ahead with this, assuming that you're smart enough to worry about STD's. You seem a little more adventurous than the average woman so maybe this guy will wind up being Mr. Right in the end. I think your relationship with him has about the same chance of working out long term as any other relationship would, whether you do this or not.

 

[roomfor1more]

There are two ways of looking at the issue here. One way is to say the two of you are fairly new as a couple, still learning about each other and a threesome right now could adversely impact your relationship. Another way is say it might be of examining it is by saying if you feel the two of you have the communication then it might be worth trying.

My own feeling, is to wait until the two of you have been together for at least two years and then approach having a threesome. At least by then you will have had the opportunity to work through some issues, developed your relationship, and develop your communication. By being together for at least two years, it could prove vital if the threesome does not go as planned.

 

[Sistinas74]

I think anyone who has been in the lifestyle has a tough time being in a traditional relationship with anybody after having those experiences, however, the time invested building a couples emotional intimate bond can only deepen and grow if they are only focusing on each other...You should figure out what kind of relationship you are wanting in the long run to decide whether to bring others in at this point, once you open this can of worms it will likely be more of a sexual relationship.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

The two of you are in a relationship that is relatively new, but neither of you are inexperienced in the lifestyle. It is a mutual interest that both of you have enjoyed in the past with others, and I don't see any reason why you should not enjoy it together. Both of you should know by now the advantages and risks of this type of activity. A willingness to engage in sex with more than one person is probably one of the factors that brought the two of you together. Why deny yourself the pleasure?

I know singles in the lifestyle who have paired up after both were already active participants. They didn't take a break from swinging to get to know each other--rather, that was what brought them together. I'm not saying that is the only reason they are together, but if each of them has a healthy interest in sharing, then why not?

 

[blksoldier]

to the point

I think anyone who has been in the lifestyle has a tough time being in a traditional relationship with anybody after having those experiences, however, the time invested building a couples emotional intimate bond can only deepen and grow if they are only focusing on each other...You should figure out what kind of relationship you are wanting in the long run to decide whether to bring others in at this point, once you open this can of worms it will likely be more of a sexual relationship.

I couldn't have said it better myself excellent advice

 

[SweetErika]

I'm actually going to say go for it whenever you're ready. It's something you're interested in, not being pushed into, and it's obviously part of your bf's lifestyle/relationship style, so there's a benefit in getting to know him better as a swinger. If you wait a year or three, it may put a false spin on the relationship, you may even find out it's not your thing after all, or even that it's not something you want to do with him in particular (e.g. if you don't like his style, he doesn't stick to your agreements, etc.), and then you've wasted time trying to build something that won't work out longer-term.

It would also be a little safer to try it now if you and your bf are not "fluid bonded" yet (i.e. you're still practicing safer sex together), although I'm sure you realize that having sexual encounters with multiple people who are promiscuous is very risky health-wise, even when condoms are used. But, at least you're less likely to give each other a fluid-borne illness if you're still using condoms every time together.

Anyway, if you're concerned at all, you could always ease into it by going to a party together and just having sex with each other, lighter play or "soft" swinging/swapping with others. Definitely make sure you talk about concerns, consequences and groundrules ahead of time. It might also be wise to limit the amount of time you two spend swinging (maybe say, once or twice a month to start, so you still have ample time together) and specifically set aside time for just the two of you to connect and do fun, special things as a couple.

So, if you go in with your eyes wide open, communicate through it, set boundaries, maybe test the waters first, be as safe as possible, and commit to developing your relationship as a couple, I don't think it's a bad idea at all. It's certainly less risky emotionally than, say, trying to transition from monogamy to an open relationship after 10 years of marriage, two kids and a dog!

Good luck, be safe and let us know how it works out for you, whatever you decide!

 

[DuckLover]

Do it smartly

I have to agree with Sweet Erika. The fact that you've both actively been in the lifestyle suggests to me that there's little reason to hold back if you both want it.

The key, I think, is to clearly communicate and agree to terms about what "swinging" means to you. Maybe it means inviting a third to join you once in a while. Maybe it means going to a club and playing with another couple there (with or without intercourse). Or maybe it means a fully-open relationship with no exclusivity or partner participation expected. My sense is that the latter is pretty rare, and I wouldn't recommend it as part of a new relationship - at that point, it sounds more like fuck-buddies to me. But finding a non-monogamous balance point seems perfectly reasonable.

Good luck!

 

[Riles]

I am posting via my phone in a waiting room, so I didnt get the chance to read ALL the replies....forgive me if I a. repeating.

I think that every relationship has it's own risks assocaited with it, and if you are both of the mindset and experience where introducing other couples into your sex life is not one of those risks you worry about, then go for it! If you worry it will detract from your budding romance AND feel this guy has the potential for long term....why interupt a good thing between just the two of you?

Key to remember....swinging is inviting others into your sex life only....keep that perspective and it can be worked out.

 

[WomanInProgress]

Well, quite a few posts, thank you all so much for your kind input.

As some of you pointed out, I myself feel that it would make sense to explore the swinging during the "getting to know each other" phase, as sexual compatibility simply is a major cornerstone of any relationship.

Still, I'm not going to rush the issue yet and not setting any fictive time frame either, simply going along by feeling it out.

This being Jamaica W.I. here, there are unfortunately no swinger clubs around and even finding couples that are into the lifestyle is a hard task, the general mind set here is very hypocritical and pretentious. Therefore it most likely will naturally take quite a while to even get there.

However, before deciding on even start looking around actively though I felt it best to make up my own mind about in which direction to proceed.

Your varied replies here were definitely helpful in that respect, so thank you all lots again.

 

[OnceFuturePoly]

Thank you for following up with us.

So many people (especially trolls --not you, but others) fire their one shot and sail off, leaving us bobbing on the ripples.

PS: I agree with you. You are choosing a wise course.

 

[WomanInProgress]

Well sure, that's imho the thing to do. I did ask for input and when people are kind enough to to take the time in their busy schedules to assist, I believe it's only appropriate to thank everybody who has chipped in.